The MIT is home. He has been home since Sunday night. He has yet to have a good night sleep, but i am determined to send Him to school today. He needs to get back into His routine. i am so happy He is home. We have had a good couple of days of doing very little, napping during the day, and trying to figure out how to feed Him on an Australian schedule. i did get presents. i got sand from 2 beaches. i got lots of pictures. i got an Australian jacket. i think that is it.
Tonight we were supposed to go to Toronto to celebrate Samhain and Halloween. The MIT is still off, and with this being His first day back at school, i don't think either He or i could handle going out of town. He is already feeling anxious with the idea of going back to school, and i don't want to add in more anxiety for Him. Instead, He and i will be handing out candy to any kids that come to our door.
i need to figure out what i am going to dress as. i am thinking little red riding hood, with a twist. i haven't worn that outfit in a long time, and i think i want to again. On top of that, i want to do a Samhain ritual. i need to set up my alter, and get some apples to bury, and some sage to cleanse the house, and some pictures of Mike and Papa for the alter.
Well, that is all for today. After the MIT leaves for school, i am going to lie down in bed, and then head to the store for candy, apples, and other things for my alter, and the day.
Happy Halloween, and happy Samhain everyone
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Day 22 of October "vacation"
6 more sleeps. 6 more sleeps until the MIT comes home. 6 more sleeps until my baby is here, under my roof. 6 more sleeps until my Mom and Dad are back, and i don't have all the responsibilities. 6 more sleeps and life is sort of back to normal. That is all that is left, and i want it to be shorter. i want them all home. i have wanted them all home since last week. i have been missing them to bits. i have walked into the MIT's room and laid in His bed, and wished He was here. Yes, it is official. i am missing Him to bits, and it feels really good.
Last week was rough. i couldn't leave the house. i would have a shower. i would get dressed. i would have a list of things to get done. Then i would start to hyperventilate. my chest would get tight. i would start to shake. i just couldn't leave the house. i was feeling so much. Missing the MIT, my Mom and my Dad. Missing Mike, and talking to Him. Feeling sad, and hurt, and missing, and crying. i just couldn't leave.
It got all better, when i was able to IM with my Dad. Finally i had actual contact with them. They had been traveling across Australia. They had been staying in hotels. They didn't leave me which hotels they were in, or even which town they were in. That was the worst. Finally on Saturday, they were back in Sydney. They weren't out and about. They were back at Kay's. Everything was better then. i could call them if there was a problem. i knew where they were. They weren't in some hotel room, with no way for me to call and check on them. Everything was better then.
So, i am better now, and waiting for them all to return home to me. i can't wait to hug them, to cuddle with my MIT, to actually touch them.
Last week was rough. i couldn't leave the house. i would have a shower. i would get dressed. i would have a list of things to get done. Then i would start to hyperventilate. my chest would get tight. i would start to shake. i just couldn't leave the house. i was feeling so much. Missing the MIT, my Mom and my Dad. Missing Mike, and talking to Him. Feeling sad, and hurt, and missing, and crying. i just couldn't leave.
It got all better, when i was able to IM with my Dad. Finally i had actual contact with them. They had been traveling across Australia. They had been staying in hotels. They didn't leave me which hotels they were in, or even which town they were in. That was the worst. Finally on Saturday, they were back in Sydney. They weren't out and about. They were back at Kay's. Everything was better then. i could call them if there was a problem. i knew where they were. They weren't in some hotel room, with no way for me to call and check on them. Everything was better then.
So, i am better now, and waiting for them all to return home to me. i can't wait to hug them, to cuddle with my MIT, to actually touch them.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Day 11 of October "vacation"
So, i haven't written in a few days. OK, almost a week. Not much to really tell.
My Sis has been doing better. What i mean is i haven't caught her in any lies since the last set. She has also agreed to come to therapy with me tomorrow. That is a good sign. Right?
What have i been doing? Not much. i haven't travelled anywhere. i haven't gone on any adventures. i have walked in two different woods, looking for acorns and willows. i found a cool stick, and may make something out of it. i did finish another ceramic project just for Halloween. i like it. It is my "Spooky bowl". Pictures will be at the end of this entry. i got a post card from the MIT. It tells me that He isn't missing me. i love Him, but sometimes it would be nice to just hear (or read) that He misses me a little.
Today i had a massage (1/2 hour). my reflexology teacher is a massage therapist. She worked on the area of my back that seems to be spasming. It hurt while she was working on it, but i regained some of my range of motion. Yesterday, when i did 2 reflexology session, i had to take a muscle relaxant so i could do the procedures. She also gave me some stretches to do, to help keep and expand my range of motion.
The other exciting thing that happened today, is that my dryer broke. Stopped dead. Won't run at all. It is 10 years old. i emailed Mom and Dad, and i am going with my Nana to get a new one. We are doing that tomorrow morning.
This coming week, i have stuff i want to do. i want to go to St. Jacob's village and wander around. i need it to be good weather, and not rain. i also want to go for a walk on the beach. That would be something nice to do. Tonight, i am just going to watch my favourite shows and then head off to bed early.
Spooky Bowl
My Sis has been doing better. What i mean is i haven't caught her in any lies since the last set. She has also agreed to come to therapy with me tomorrow. That is a good sign. Right?
What have i been doing? Not much. i haven't travelled anywhere. i haven't gone on any adventures. i have walked in two different woods, looking for acorns and willows. i found a cool stick, and may make something out of it. i did finish another ceramic project just for Halloween. i like it. It is my "Spooky bowl". Pictures will be at the end of this entry. i got a post card from the MIT. It tells me that He isn't missing me. i love Him, but sometimes it would be nice to just hear (or read) that He misses me a little.
Today i had a massage (1/2 hour). my reflexology teacher is a massage therapist. She worked on the area of my back that seems to be spasming. It hurt while she was working on it, but i regained some of my range of motion. Yesterday, when i did 2 reflexology session, i had to take a muscle relaxant so i could do the procedures. She also gave me some stretches to do, to help keep and expand my range of motion.
The other exciting thing that happened today, is that my dryer broke. Stopped dead. Won't run at all. It is 10 years old. i emailed Mom and Dad, and i am going with my Nana to get a new one. We are doing that tomorrow morning.
This coming week, i have stuff i want to do. i want to go to St. Jacob's village and wander around. i need it to be good weather, and not rain. i also want to go for a walk on the beach. That would be something nice to do. Tonight, i am just going to watch my favourite shows and then head off to bed early.
Spooky Bowl
Friday, October 05, 2007
Day 5 of October "vacation"
So, it is Friday and i have therapy today. i have so much to talk about. Way too much to talk about. There has been drama with my Sis again. There is also my adventures for the last few weeks.
my Sis. Well, she was given an ultimatum by my parents. One more secret, one more lie, and she would no longer be living in their house. She was supposed to be keeping a detailed account of what she spent and where it went. Well, guess what. There was one more, and i had to find it. She actually thought she could "fix" things while my parents were away. She has been driving without insurance since the 15th of Sept. This ultimatum was given at the end of Sept. It should have come out back then. She kept it secret. She was sure she could "fix it before they got back". She also got a "pay as you go" credit card from Much. Another secret. Another one of those "it would be gone before they got back" situations. So i found out. The i searched her room. She gave me reason. She told another lie. She deserved no privacy. Good thing i did it. Turns out, she had a roach in her room. In my parent's house. Plus i found one of her journals. Yes, i read it. She lied to ME. To MY face. She had continued to carry and sell stuff after she promised me she would stop. The promise she made back in June. The stuff she was doing was in July.
i confronted her first. She came out with the same old stuff. i wanted her out of the house right then. i wanted her to figure out she was fucked. i called my parents. i didn't know what else to do. They are letting her stay in the house until they get home. Then she is out of the house. my punishment is different. i am done. i am finished with her. i can't trust her for anything anymore. i no longer trust her with the MIT. She no longer gets to see the MIT. That is the end of that. No more looking after Him. No more talking to Him. No more anything to do with Him. my contact with her is now limited to me going to the house and checking the mail. No more talking to her. No more after that. i am done.
As for my adventures, well, i went to St. Catherine's to get the selenite candle holder i had put on one side at Pagan Pride. i then decided to take the back roads home. i got lost a bit, but found i recognized stuff in the area, and made it home ok. i also went to ceramics class, and finished 2 projects. One is here. He is Green Man. i painted Him all by myself. i did it differently than anyone thought i should, and He turned out great. i am proud of Him. He is now hanging in my living room, where the picture of the MIT and Mike Myers was hanging. He looks good where He is. i'll hang the picture in a different place.
my Sis. Well, she was given an ultimatum by my parents. One more secret, one more lie, and she would no longer be living in their house. She was supposed to be keeping a detailed account of what she spent and where it went. Well, guess what. There was one more, and i had to find it. She actually thought she could "fix" things while my parents were away. She has been driving without insurance since the 15th of Sept. This ultimatum was given at the end of Sept. It should have come out back then. She kept it secret. She was sure she could "fix it before they got back". She also got a "pay as you go" credit card from Much. Another secret. Another one of those "it would be gone before they got back" situations. So i found out. The i searched her room. She gave me reason. She told another lie. She deserved no privacy. Good thing i did it. Turns out, she had a roach in her room. In my parent's house. Plus i found one of her journals. Yes, i read it. She lied to ME. To MY face. She had continued to carry and sell stuff after she promised me she would stop. The promise she made back in June. The stuff she was doing was in July.
i confronted her first. She came out with the same old stuff. i wanted her out of the house right then. i wanted her to figure out she was fucked. i called my parents. i didn't know what else to do. They are letting her stay in the house until they get home. Then she is out of the house. my punishment is different. i am done. i am finished with her. i can't trust her for anything anymore. i no longer trust her with the MIT. She no longer gets to see the MIT. That is the end of that. No more looking after Him. No more talking to Him. No more anything to do with Him. my contact with her is now limited to me going to the house and checking the mail. No more talking to her. No more after that. i am done.
As for my adventures, well, i went to St. Catherine's to get the selenite candle holder i had put on one side at Pagan Pride. i then decided to take the back roads home. i got lost a bit, but found i recognized stuff in the area, and made it home ok. i also went to ceramics class, and finished 2 projects. One is here. He is Green Man. i painted Him all by myself. i did it differently than anyone thought i should, and He turned out great. i am proud of Him. He is now hanging in my living room, where the picture of the MIT and Mike Myers was hanging. He looks good where He is. i'll hang the picture in a different place.
Speaking of the MIT, my Dad sent me a few pictures from Australia. They look like they are having a lot of fun. They walked through a shark tank in a glass tunnel with the fish swimming right around them at the Aquarium. At Wildlife World, they saw Koalas and the MIT touched a lizard.
This weekend, i am going to do something. i am not sure what yet. Sis wants us to have dinner together. i am not sure. Yes it was my idea first, but now i am so mad at her. i just don't know if i can have dinner with her, and not get emotionally hurt again. i will have to think about that. i may go to St. Jacob's village. i may go to the Cambridge outlet mall. i may just stay home and watch movies, and make myself food, just for me. i am not sure yet. i am still moseying.
Here are the pictures from Australia
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Day 2 of October "vacation"
So they called last night. They had made it. They were at Kay's place, and had settled in a little bit. i had expected them to call around 8:00pm, but they didn't call for an hour. Mom let me know that the MIT had a rough go of it on the first flight. He had gone full blown and had seized a number of times. i hated hearing that. i didn't need to know that. i wish i was there to make Him feel better. i wish i was there to hold Him and do "magic". Hell, i just wish i was there to snuggle with Him and make sure He really is ok. At least they made it ok. At least they are there and get to have fun now. i just wish she had let me hear His voice. Oh well.
Yesterday i did exactly what i said i would. i read all day. i relaxed in the house and outside, wearing my sarong. i only answered the phone if it was long distance or family. i ended up reading the entire Deathly Hallows book. It was really good. i cried at spots where Harry reminded me of me. Pushing away his grief to do what he had to do. i cried at Hagrid's reaction to carrying Harry to the school. It was a great book. i am sad it is the last of the series.
Today is an easy day. i am going to go with the whole moseying idea from camp. Today is a visit to the doctor's. Today is going to Chapters and Michaels and other places to just wander. Today is getting groceries finally. Today i also have a reflexology session lined up. Someone new, and here at my place. i have decided to move where i do the sessions, since the wheelchair is away in the MIT's room.
Well, that is that. i don't know if i will be posting every day or not. i'm just going to go with the flow of things. Until next time.....
Update : well, my client for tonight cancelled. i didn't go get groceries. i did get 4 new books. i think that is what i am going to do tonight. Read and relax, and go to bed early and sleep in late tomorrow. i wish it was sunny out.
Yesterday i did exactly what i said i would. i read all day. i relaxed in the house and outside, wearing my sarong. i only answered the phone if it was long distance or family. i ended up reading the entire Deathly Hallows book. It was really good. i cried at spots where Harry reminded me of me. Pushing away his grief to do what he had to do. i cried at Hagrid's reaction to carrying Harry to the school. It was a great book. i am sad it is the last of the series.
Today is an easy day. i am going to go with the whole moseying idea from camp. Today is a visit to the doctor's. Today is going to Chapters and Michaels and other places to just wander. Today is getting groceries finally. Today i also have a reflexology session lined up. Someone new, and here at my place. i have decided to move where i do the sessions, since the wheelchair is away in the MIT's room.
Well, that is that. i don't know if i will be posting every day or not. i'm just going to go with the flow of things. Until next time.....
Update : well, my client for tonight cancelled. i didn't go get groceries. i did get 4 new books. i think that is what i am going to do tonight. Read and relax, and go to bed early and sleep in late tomorrow. i wish it was sunny out.
Monday, October 01, 2007
First day off
The MIT, my Mom and my Dad left yesterday. Right now they are flying over the ocean. They have passed Hawaii.
Today i plan on doing nothing. No driving. No cooking. No cleaning. No talking on the phone. All i am going to do is read, sit on my back patio, listen to music, maybe watch some TV. Other than that, nothing. Even computer stuff is being put on hold (once i am done posting). i have the last Harry Potter book to read. i have stayed away from spoilers as much as possible. i am going to enjoy reading it. i am not even planning on getting that dressed. i have a sarong on. i am loving it. Oh, and it fits better than when it was bought for me last year.
Tomorrow will be other stuff. Going to the doctor's. Going to Chapters. Going to Michael's. Getting groceries. Basically running around. Wednesday will be getting back to doing my ceramics class. i have 3 projects on the go, and one to start. Thursday may be chili cooking day. That or stew day. i haven't decided yet. i will decide tomorrow when i am getting groceries for the week.
Other stuff i am going to be doing differently this month is walking more, taking the bus more, eating healthier, sleeping in, taking drives to enjoy the outside. Stuff like that. Stuff where i don't have to worry about what time i get home, or if i am on call for the MIT.
Well, time to go and read and relax.
Today i plan on doing nothing. No driving. No cooking. No cleaning. No talking on the phone. All i am going to do is read, sit on my back patio, listen to music, maybe watch some TV. Other than that, nothing. Even computer stuff is being put on hold (once i am done posting). i have the last Harry Potter book to read. i have stayed away from spoilers as much as possible. i am going to enjoy reading it. i am not even planning on getting that dressed. i have a sarong on. i am loving it. Oh, and it fits better than when it was bought for me last year.
Tomorrow will be other stuff. Going to the doctor's. Going to Chapters. Going to Michael's. Getting groceries. Basically running around. Wednesday will be getting back to doing my ceramics class. i have 3 projects on the go, and one to start. Thursday may be chili cooking day. That or stew day. i haven't decided yet. i will decide tomorrow when i am getting groceries for the week.
Other stuff i am going to be doing differently this month is walking more, taking the bus more, eating healthier, sleeping in, taking drives to enjoy the outside. Stuff like that. Stuff where i don't have to worry about what time i get home, or if i am on call for the MIT.
Well, time to go and read and relax.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
4 more sleeps, and getting something back
The MIT is getting more and more excited. It is nice seeing Him get so excited about the trip. It is also nice to have Him being so cuddly right now. Every chance He gets, He snuggles up to me and lets me just hold Him.
Over the last little while, i have been getting back to being a solitary practitioner. i had moved away from it a bit. In May, on the anniversary of Mike's death, i did do a ritual, but since then, i really haven't been furthering practicing my beliefs. Lately, i have slowly been getting back to it. i have been making sure to stand outside in the sun in the morning. i have been basking in the glow of the moon (even when i can't see it). i have set up a little meditation space. i even stood outside last night, in the rain, naked, and felt my worries wash off me, as the cool wind and warm rain rolled over my skin. It feels right getting back into practicing. It feels right doing the little things to celebrate the earth around me. i am finding strength in it.
Today is my Mid-term exam and i am exhausted. Time to head back to bed for a nap, so i am fully able to function at 11:30. Wake-up at 10:30, get a shower and prepare my bag and files. i am not worried about the exam. Making mistakes, and being shown how to fix them is the purpose of this "exam".
And right now, today, everything feels right.
Over the last little while, i have been getting back to being a solitary practitioner. i had moved away from it a bit. In May, on the anniversary of Mike's death, i did do a ritual, but since then, i really haven't been furthering practicing my beliefs. Lately, i have slowly been getting back to it. i have been making sure to stand outside in the sun in the morning. i have been basking in the glow of the moon (even when i can't see it). i have set up a little meditation space. i even stood outside last night, in the rain, naked, and felt my worries wash off me, as the cool wind and warm rain rolled over my skin. It feels right getting back into practicing. It feels right doing the little things to celebrate the earth around me. i am finding strength in it.
Today is my Mid-term exam and i am exhausted. Time to head back to bed for a nap, so i am fully able to function at 11:30. Wake-up at 10:30, get a shower and prepare my bag and files. i am not worried about the exam. Making mistakes, and being shown how to fix them is the purpose of this "exam".
And right now, today, everything feels right.
Monday, September 24, 2007
6 more sleeps
In 6 more sleeps, the MIT, my Mom and my Dad are flying to Sydney, Australia. Yup, only 6 more sleeps. In 5 more sleeps i get my bed back. i am both excited and scared. Mostly excited.
i had thought of going away for a few days. Just booking a room or cabin and going to a place away from my house. i just can't afford that. So, i have come up with some other ideas.
- visit St Jacobs for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit St. Catherine's for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit Ikea and buy at least one toybox
- buy windchimes, clay
- go to Ceramics each week
- book and do foot procedures (want to do at least 15)
- make chili, stew, BBQ, pork roast
- visit Oakville for the day
- visit Meadowlands for the day (allow money for meals)
- go to the movies
- watch movies
That is all i have right now. i am sure to come up with more ideas during the month. i just know it would have been nice to go someplace. Out in the woods. Listen to a stream. Walk in the sun. Walk in the moonlight. Get back a part of myself i feel has been missing. Then again, this is cheaper, and that means i can do more, and still do stuff that i like. Plus, my back patio can be my woods if i want it. So can any park near here. This will work.
Yes i am still scared about how the MIT will do on the trip. That is why i am keeping Him home from school for a couple days. Thursday we are going to spend some time together before heading to Toronto for Him to get His hair redone. His roots are showing. Friday is the day we are going to figure out what He is taking with Him. i would like to take Him out to dinner or something, but He wants to stick to His schedule on Friday, which includes karate.
Gods i am going to miss Him. Yes i am going to enjoy my time alone, but i am going to really miss Him. my days revolve around Him so much. i guess it is good practice for when He is gone.
Anyways, Wednesday i take my Mid-term practical test for reflexology. i am not nervous about that at all. i am actually looking forward to it. i know i will do well. i get to use my cheat book. i know my files are done well. i can't think of anything that could go wrong.
Ok, that is as much as i can concentrate on. Time to finish watching Journey Man.
i had thought of going away for a few days. Just booking a room or cabin and going to a place away from my house. i just can't afford that. So, i have come up with some other ideas.
- visit St Jacobs for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit St. Catherine's for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit Ikea and buy at least one toybox
- buy windchimes, clay
- go to Ceramics each week
- book and do foot procedures (want to do at least 15)
- make chili, stew, BBQ, pork roast
- visit Oakville for the day
- visit Meadowlands for the day (allow money for meals)
- go to the movies
- watch movies
That is all i have right now. i am sure to come up with more ideas during the month. i just know it would have been nice to go someplace. Out in the woods. Listen to a stream. Walk in the sun. Walk in the moonlight. Get back a part of myself i feel has been missing. Then again, this is cheaper, and that means i can do more, and still do stuff that i like. Plus, my back patio can be my woods if i want it. So can any park near here. This will work.
Yes i am still scared about how the MIT will do on the trip. That is why i am keeping Him home from school for a couple days. Thursday we are going to spend some time together before heading to Toronto for Him to get His hair redone. His roots are showing. Friday is the day we are going to figure out what He is taking with Him. i would like to take Him out to dinner or something, but He wants to stick to His schedule on Friday, which includes karate.
Gods i am going to miss Him. Yes i am going to enjoy my time alone, but i am going to really miss Him. my days revolve around Him so much. i guess it is good practice for when He is gone.
Anyways, Wednesday i take my Mid-term practical test for reflexology. i am not nervous about that at all. i am actually looking forward to it. i know i will do well. i get to use my cheat book. i know my files are done well. i can't think of anything that could go wrong.
Ok, that is as much as i can concentrate on. Time to finish watching Journey Man.
Friday, September 14, 2007
LIfe sometimes sucks
The MIT made it through 8 days of school, and is now sick. Yes He is home sick. Damnit. i am keeping Him home because i want Him healthy for His trip in 16 days. i am even keeping Him home from Rygiel House this weekend. No break for me. Just me and the MIT. i am not even sending Him to karate. He has been home with me, non-stop since Thursday morning. It will continue to at least Monday morning. i may get to send Him to school Monday. Maybe. It all depends on how healthy He is by then.
Other than that, life kind of sucks. Nothing exciting is going on. No plans made for my month off. Can't afford anything. i will probubly be stuck at home, by myself, alone. There isn't even anything really going on that month. Nothing i would like to go to. Sure there will be Octoberfest with my friends, but that is about it.
Anyways, that is enough of my venting, as much as it is.
Other than that, life kind of sucks. Nothing exciting is going on. No plans made for my month off. Can't afford anything. i will probubly be stuck at home, by myself, alone. There isn't even anything really going on that month. Nothing i would like to go to. Sure there will be Octoberfest with my friends, but that is about it.
Anyways, that is enough of my venting, as much as it is.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Feeling Blah
So, we survived the wedding. The MIT did great as the ring bearer. He remembered when He was supposed to talk. He didn't loose a side until after the ceremony (it was close, and He was worried, but it all worked out). He didn't complain to much about His picture being taken. It was a great ceremony. my favourite parts were when L said Her vows, and when D surprised the girls with their own rings. It made almost everyone cry. It was beautiful, simple, and exactly like them. It was an honour to be there, and to have the MIT a part of it.
This week is weird. i have nothing scheduled. It is like a week off for me. It is what the first week of school should have been like, but wasn't. The MIT hasn't argued with me about going to school yet. We still have last year's schedule. Sure it is a struggle to get up at 5:30 in the morning, but the half hour by myself, and then the half hour playing with the MIT and trying to get Him out of bed is worth it. It is nice i still have a cuddler. Every morning between 6 and 6:30 is spent cuddling with Him in bed, poking at Him and trying to get Him moving. It is a very special time for us.
It was hard explaining to the resource teacher about the MIT's prognosis. i had to do the same with the people at karate. The instructors at karate have really seen how much the MIT is loosing. They see that He has less balance, that He is requiring more help with one side gone, and that even though He is progressing socially and maturing, He is loosing skills He used to have. i am still grasping with His prognosis. The idea that He has reached His peak physically, and is falling backwards so quickly.
On Friday, Sandy and i talked about how i feel guilty that i no longer think about Mike each day. That there are more days in a row where i just don't talk to Him, or mention Him, or even think about how my life is different without Him. There are more and more days like that. The guilt is because part of me feels like i should be missing Him more. Then comes the feeling of loss. The feeling like i am missing feeling the grieving process. It is like i am missing feeling so bad. Weird. We are going to talk more about that soon. Apparently we are going to talk about my alcohol usage next visit. LOL. Drinking more than i normally do, 2 times a year, and we need to talk about it. That should be interesting.
Well, today is going to be another quiet day. Friday the MIT goes to Rygel again. Yes i will have 2 nights off again this weekend. Then 2 weekends after that, the MIT will be leaving for Australia. i have already made some plans. One of which is to visit where Mike is buried. i wonder how that will feel. i am going to take a picture of the MIT and i with me to put at His grave site. i need to do that for sure.
This week is weird. i have nothing scheduled. It is like a week off for me. It is what the first week of school should have been like, but wasn't. The MIT hasn't argued with me about going to school yet. We still have last year's schedule. Sure it is a struggle to get up at 5:30 in the morning, but the half hour by myself, and then the half hour playing with the MIT and trying to get Him out of bed is worth it. It is nice i still have a cuddler. Every morning between 6 and 6:30 is spent cuddling with Him in bed, poking at Him and trying to get Him moving. It is a very special time for us.
It was hard explaining to the resource teacher about the MIT's prognosis. i had to do the same with the people at karate. The instructors at karate have really seen how much the MIT is loosing. They see that He has less balance, that He is requiring more help with one side gone, and that even though He is progressing socially and maturing, He is loosing skills He used to have. i am still grasping with His prognosis. The idea that He has reached His peak physically, and is falling backwards so quickly.
On Friday, Sandy and i talked about how i feel guilty that i no longer think about Mike each day. That there are more days in a row where i just don't talk to Him, or mention Him, or even think about how my life is different without Him. There are more and more days like that. The guilt is because part of me feels like i should be missing Him more. Then comes the feeling of loss. The feeling like i am missing feeling the grieving process. It is like i am missing feeling so bad. Weird. We are going to talk more about that soon. Apparently we are going to talk about my alcohol usage next visit. LOL. Drinking more than i normally do, 2 times a year, and we need to talk about it. That should be interesting.
Well, today is going to be another quiet day. Friday the MIT goes to Rygel again. Yes i will have 2 nights off again this weekend. Then 2 weekends after that, the MIT will be leaving for Australia. i have already made some plans. One of which is to visit where Mike is buried. i wonder how that will feel. i am going to take a picture of the MIT and i with me to put at His grave site. i need to do that for sure.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Finally summer is over, well, soon
One more sleep. That is all that is left of summer vacation. One more sleep. One more sleep until waking up at 5:30. One more sleep until making waffles and smoothies every day. One more sleep until making sandwiches for lunch. One more sleep, and i can actually have a nap during the day. One more blessed sleep until the MIT is back at school.
Today is getting the house in order. Today is making sure the MIT has all He needs for school. Today is finishing up from camp. Today is the day i will put a chair back in my van. Today is just getting things organized so i can actually make it tomorrow morning.
i also have some stuff to get done as far as a friend's wedding. i have the ring bearer's pillow to finish. i have to get some things to S to finish off another thing. i have to call about the "new" van. (i would really like to have it once the parents and MIT leave for Australia.) i have to make sure i hear from the insurance company again so the MIT has an iPod for His trip. That is about it this week. Sure i would like to get a nice dress for the wedding, but i can't afford that. i would love to get new shoes for it also. Other than that, i am good.
Therapy on Friday was eye opening. i actually admitted to how scared i am about the MIT dying. i talked about all the changes i have seen with Him. The growing of the type of seizure He is having. The need for an MRI. (He had the MRI last night.) i admitted that although i need the break, i am scared to send Him to Rygiel House. (yes i did send Him, and yes it went well, but still) i seem to be very scared right now. Scared of everything. Stressed by everything. i admitted to not being on edge. That the sound of people's voices are irritating. The sound of Sandy's computer was driving me mad. The noise outside her door was intolerable. It was nice to admit it all. i had hidden it down inside me so far, that i was ignoring how i was feeling again. Time to deal with it as it comes to me. Time to ride out the waves again.
Other than all that, Friday made me feel much better. i let it all out, and am still thinking about it, but it isn't driving me absolutely nuts. i am guessing part of that is the fact that i actually had two nights of no beeping, no complaining about what should be on TV. No arguing about bed times. It was a nice, secluded weekend. i needed it.
Now that school will be back in session, i can schedule reflexology treatments during the school day. That will be nice. i also have a couple of projects to complete at ceramics. i am excited and nervous about October. And i have dishes that need doing as i type. Off i go then.
Today is getting the house in order. Today is making sure the MIT has all He needs for school. Today is finishing up from camp. Today is the day i will put a chair back in my van. Today is just getting things organized so i can actually make it tomorrow morning.
i also have some stuff to get done as far as a friend's wedding. i have the ring bearer's pillow to finish. i have to get some things to S to finish off another thing. i have to call about the "new" van. (i would really like to have it once the parents and MIT leave for Australia.) i have to make sure i hear from the insurance company again so the MIT has an iPod for His trip. That is about it this week. Sure i would like to get a nice dress for the wedding, but i can't afford that. i would love to get new shoes for it also. Other than that, i am good.
Therapy on Friday was eye opening. i actually admitted to how scared i am about the MIT dying. i talked about all the changes i have seen with Him. The growing of the type of seizure He is having. The need for an MRI. (He had the MRI last night.) i admitted that although i need the break, i am scared to send Him to Rygiel House. (yes i did send Him, and yes it went well, but still) i seem to be very scared right now. Scared of everything. Stressed by everything. i admitted to not being on edge. That the sound of people's voices are irritating. The sound of Sandy's computer was driving me mad. The noise outside her door was intolerable. It was nice to admit it all. i had hidden it down inside me so far, that i was ignoring how i was feeling again. Time to deal with it as it comes to me. Time to ride out the waves again.
Other than all that, Friday made me feel much better. i let it all out, and am still thinking about it, but it isn't driving me absolutely nuts. i am guessing part of that is the fact that i actually had two nights of no beeping, no complaining about what should be on TV. No arguing about bed times. It was a nice, secluded weekend. i needed it.
Now that school will be back in session, i can schedule reflexology treatments during the school day. That will be nice. i also have a couple of projects to complete at ceramics. i am excited and nervous about October. And i have dishes that need doing as i type. Off i go then.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
5 days left of summer
Thank goodness there are only 5 days left. i am at the end of my rope. i am exhausted. i am stressed. i am bitchy. All i can think about is that there are only 5 days left.
Yesterday i went out and got the MIT's back to school stuff. Finally. He didn't go with me because, again, He was full blown. This summer has been full of full blown days. my body is shouting at me because of lifting Him and giving Him support. At least school is soon. my body can recover a bit. i am worried about Him getting worse and worse and the school not being able to handle it. i am worried about being called in more and more, to bring Him home. Even the chance of Him having to go to the hospital has increased. i guess it is a wait and see time for me.
my Sis and i talked yesterday about what we are going to do while Mom, Dad and MIT are away. We are planning on a short road trip to the states. Do some shopping there. Maybe stay a night there. It is weird we have gotten so close. i admitted to her that i don't trust her right now. All the shit that has happened has left me feeling like i really don't know her. i admitted to her that my first thought was that it was her that took all of the MIT's and my stuff, and there wasn't really a break-in. i still can't say for sure that i don't think she did it. i just keep telling myself that she wouldn't have hurt the MIT that way.
Today i am taking the MIT to get His hair bleached blond. Yes i am giving in. Yes i swore to myself i wouldn't let Him do it until He was 16, but He deserves it. He puts up with a lot from me, and i know He really wants it done. We are going to L's today so She can do it. i trust Her. She will make sure it works good. He is really stoked about it. He is stoked about starting school as a blond. He is even stoked about the wedding.
i am stoked about school starting again.
Yesterday i went out and got the MIT's back to school stuff. Finally. He didn't go with me because, again, He was full blown. This summer has been full of full blown days. my body is shouting at me because of lifting Him and giving Him support. At least school is soon. my body can recover a bit. i am worried about Him getting worse and worse and the school not being able to handle it. i am worried about being called in more and more, to bring Him home. Even the chance of Him having to go to the hospital has increased. i guess it is a wait and see time for me.
my Sis and i talked yesterday about what we are going to do while Mom, Dad and MIT are away. We are planning on a short road trip to the states. Do some shopping there. Maybe stay a night there. It is weird we have gotten so close. i admitted to her that i don't trust her right now. All the shit that has happened has left me feeling like i really don't know her. i admitted to her that my first thought was that it was her that took all of the MIT's and my stuff, and there wasn't really a break-in. i still can't say for sure that i don't think she did it. i just keep telling myself that she wouldn't have hurt the MIT that way.
Today i am taking the MIT to get His hair bleached blond. Yes i am giving in. Yes i swore to myself i wouldn't let Him do it until He was 16, but He deserves it. He puts up with a lot from me, and i know He really wants it done. We are going to L's today so She can do it. i trust Her. She will make sure it works good. He is really stoked about it. He is stoked about starting school as a blond. He is even stoked about the wedding.
i am stoked about school starting again.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Time for a catch-up post
Lets see. It has been a while, and so much has happened.
S/mer camp. Went well. We all moseyed. It was a calm camp where we carried the "it is our last one, and if you don't like it, don't come back" attitude. It was cold at night, so play was limited. With it being so relaxed, i had more time to think. my head was full of "why isn't He here?" and "i miss Him so much". Other than that, it was good.
The call. Sunday night i had a message on my cell from my sister to call ASAP. It turned out to be that my house had been broken into again. 2nd time in 7 years. This time they mainly took little things. Mainly the MIT's things. His iPod, His portable DVD player, His Xbox, His PS2, and all His games. The only stuff of mine was my change jar money, my American money, and a carton of my smokes. Even now i am noticing more stuff missing. MIT's Harry Potter computer game is gone. i just noticed that it is gone. Great. Something else. The MIT was so mad when He, my Dad and Sis found that stuff was missing, He broke a chair. He is still so angry and scared. He hasn't slept in His own bed since.
The MIT's trip to the hospital. This happened Thursday. Thursday morning the MIT and i were watching TV and the next thing i know, He is passed out on my lap. i got Him to my room, and after a while, he vomited while still unconscious. It continued for 5 hours before i called the ambulance. He was fine by the time we got to the hospital, but they kept Him over night anyways. He wasn't discharged until Friday evening. He is fine. He is back to normal. The doctors have asked that i bring Him in sooner next time. They are worried about it being a new type of seizure, or pressure in the brain, or even a bleed. Scary stuff.
Alarm Force. We had it installed yesterday. It is already making me feel better. i can arm it, and disarm it. i was even able to leave the house yesterday without anyone being here.
Me. i am stressed out. i am tired. i am on the edge of loosing it. Yes i can show off the "easy" side of myself. It is taking a lot of meds to do it though. i am short on money, and have a lot of bills i have to catch up on. i am flighty. my brain is all over the place. i don't feel settled. i can't wait for school to start. i can't wait to be able to sleep more than 14 hours a week. Most of all, i can't wait until the MIT leaves for Australia. A full month vacation for me.
i so want to go away during that month. Go to a hotel and soak in a hot tub. Go to a different province and look around. Go anywhere but here. Actually take a vacation. God that would be so nice. Hell, i have a month. i should be able to do something during that time. Too bad i can't. It sucks.
Time to get ready to go to my parent's place and celebrate my Sis's birthday.
S/mer camp. Went well. We all moseyed. It was a calm camp where we carried the "it is our last one, and if you don't like it, don't come back" attitude. It was cold at night, so play was limited. With it being so relaxed, i had more time to think. my head was full of "why isn't He here?" and "i miss Him so much". Other than that, it was good.
The call. Sunday night i had a message on my cell from my sister to call ASAP. It turned out to be that my house had been broken into again. 2nd time in 7 years. This time they mainly took little things. Mainly the MIT's things. His iPod, His portable DVD player, His Xbox, His PS2, and all His games. The only stuff of mine was my change jar money, my American money, and a carton of my smokes. Even now i am noticing more stuff missing. MIT's Harry Potter computer game is gone. i just noticed that it is gone. Great. Something else. The MIT was so mad when He, my Dad and Sis found that stuff was missing, He broke a chair. He is still so angry and scared. He hasn't slept in His own bed since.
The MIT's trip to the hospital. This happened Thursday. Thursday morning the MIT and i were watching TV and the next thing i know, He is passed out on my lap. i got Him to my room, and after a while, he vomited while still unconscious. It continued for 5 hours before i called the ambulance. He was fine by the time we got to the hospital, but they kept Him over night anyways. He wasn't discharged until Friday evening. He is fine. He is back to normal. The doctors have asked that i bring Him in sooner next time. They are worried about it being a new type of seizure, or pressure in the brain, or even a bleed. Scary stuff.
Alarm Force. We had it installed yesterday. It is already making me feel better. i can arm it, and disarm it. i was even able to leave the house yesterday without anyone being here.
Me. i am stressed out. i am tired. i am on the edge of loosing it. Yes i can show off the "easy" side of myself. It is taking a lot of meds to do it though. i am short on money, and have a lot of bills i have to catch up on. i am flighty. my brain is all over the place. i don't feel settled. i can't wait for school to start. i can't wait to be able to sleep more than 14 hours a week. Most of all, i can't wait until the MIT leaves for Australia. A full month vacation for me.
i so want to go away during that month. Go to a hotel and soak in a hot tub. Go to a different province and look around. Go anywhere but here. Actually take a vacation. God that would be so nice. Hell, i have a month. i should be able to do something during that time. Too bad i can't. It sucks.
Time to get ready to go to my parent's place and celebrate my Sis's birthday.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
One more sleep...sort of
Today is the day we pack up my van with all the DSSG stuff, and probubly head off to the camp to drop it all off. Today is also the day my head hurts, the MIT is complaining about the pain from His bruised ribs, i am panicked, i am nervous, i am missing Mike, and i can't seem to follow my simple lists of what i need to do.
i know i get like this. All but last year i had Mike here to center me. i need my hair pulled. i need pain i don't inflict on myself to settle me. i need someone to stand next to me and direct me to do what it is i need to do. i know i can do it. i did it last year. All on my own i did it last year. Why is this year so hard?
i don't have much time left until everyone shows up to load the van. i need to go to 2 stores before they come here. That of course includes getting the MIT fed and dressed and myself showered and dressed before we go. This will work out.
i know i get like this. All but last year i had Mike here to center me. i need my hair pulled. i need pain i don't inflict on myself to settle me. i need someone to stand next to me and direct me to do what it is i need to do. i know i can do it. i did it last year. All on my own i did it last year. Why is this year so hard?
i don't have much time left until everyone shows up to load the van. i need to go to 2 stores before they come here. That of course includes getting the MIT fed and dressed and myself showered and dressed before we go. This will work out.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Week 9 and Carpet is in!!!!
Today is the first day of week 9. Another week down. Only 2 and a bit weeks until school begins. Thank goodness. i am at the end of my rope. There is only so much i can handle, and this summer has taken its toll.
Today i finally got a new carpet. On the right, is what it used to look like. This is just a small section of the yucky thing. See all the bumps and bubbles? Those were all over the carpet. The MIT would trip over them all the time. It was ugly and unsafe.
Today i finally got a new carpet. On the right, is what it used to look like. This is just a small section of the yucky thing. See all the bumps and bubbles? Those were all over the carpet. The MIT would trip over them all the time. It was ugly and unsafe. On the left is the new carpet. Isn't it great? All smooth and 
pretty. The colour is better also. Much lighter, and no stains!!! i am a very happy camper. Now i just have to move everything back to where it belongs.
pretty. The colour is better also. Much lighter, and no stains!!! i am a very happy camper. Now i just have to move everything back to where it belongs. While the carpet was being installed, the MIT decided to show off. He sat on the railing in front of the house, and fell off it. The first fall was backwards onto the pile of old carpet, so there was no damage. The second fall was head first onto the patio pavement. The one guy that was installing the carpet, helped break the MIT's fall, so the bump on His head isn't to bad. i am hoping to get a picture of it, just for memory sake.
This week is getting ready for Camp week. This requires shopping, shopping and more shopping, packing the van, emptying the van, repacking the van. The stress will come with taking the seats out of the van, and making sure i get everything on my lists for camp. The other stressful thing is packing the van with all the DSSG stuff, and then making sure i can pack all of my stuff. Luckily i am a list maker, and have plenty of lists to go by. i just hope i don't forget anything. Especially the DSSG stuff.
i have been having trouble maintaining a calmness in me. i am taking all my meds. i am eating pretty ok (i think i gained). i will talk to the doctor about it tomorrow. i don't want to be on more meds, but i can't keep "coping" the way i have been. The stuff i talked to my therapist about is still running rampant in my head. i am having trouble letting it go and just living day to day. Then again, part of what therapy is about for me, is dealing with how i feel, when i feel it. So maybe there is a reason i keep thinking about what i discussed on Friday. i guess i will wait and see and talk to the doctor tomorrow.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Swirling thoughts
i can't sleep. my head is full of confusing thoughts. The MIT is beeping and beeping. Lots of apneas, a few bradys. Doesn't look like a night i get to settle.
Therapy was rough. At least i didn't just vent about every day stuff. i confessed my cutting. i talked about how this year seems so much harder than last year. At least last year, i was in a fog. Living on the thought that i would wake-up at any moment, and all would be back to normal. This year i can't pretend. i have been learning to feel what i feel when i feel it. i have been learning to accept what life now has to offer me. This year sucks. This year i am totally aware that Mike is gone. This year i am figuring out how to live without Him. i had thought that this year would be easier than last. i am finding it to be harder. Sandy says it is normal. She says that after trying to bury all my feelings, i am going to feel more overwhelmed by letting them all out.
On top of that i confessed my stress about the MIT. i confessed how much summer sucks. i confessed how during the school year, i hear that i am lucky my parent's take my son every Saturday for a sleep over. i confessed that it bothers me so much because in the summer, i get only the Saturday night, and don't get a week off here or there. i am with Him almost 24/7. i confessed the thoughts have returned, hoping He won't wake-up in the morning. i confessed how much i love Him, but that i want a real break from Him. God i can't for October.
i am feeling really tired. Totally stressed out. Nearing the end of my rope. Sandy wondered why i would put myself through all the stress of Camp. It was hard to explain but finally i realized, that by the end of camp, i am a much happier person. i feel free at camp. Free to be who i am, if i chose to. Free to get all "powerful" if i need to. Free to just be a grownup with a great bunch of grownups that i am proud to call my friends (ok, sometimes i even call them family).
Time to try to settle my brain. i am hoping this helped. i need to at least nap between beeps.
Therapy was rough. At least i didn't just vent about every day stuff. i confessed my cutting. i talked about how this year seems so much harder than last year. At least last year, i was in a fog. Living on the thought that i would wake-up at any moment, and all would be back to normal. This year i can't pretend. i have been learning to feel what i feel when i feel it. i have been learning to accept what life now has to offer me. This year sucks. This year i am totally aware that Mike is gone. This year i am figuring out how to live without Him. i had thought that this year would be easier than last. i am finding it to be harder. Sandy says it is normal. She says that after trying to bury all my feelings, i am going to feel more overwhelmed by letting them all out.
On top of that i confessed my stress about the MIT. i confessed how much summer sucks. i confessed how during the school year, i hear that i am lucky my parent's take my son every Saturday for a sleep over. i confessed that it bothers me so much because in the summer, i get only the Saturday night, and don't get a week off here or there. i am with Him almost 24/7. i confessed the thoughts have returned, hoping He won't wake-up in the morning. i confessed how much i love Him, but that i want a real break from Him. God i can't for October.
i am feeling really tired. Totally stressed out. Nearing the end of my rope. Sandy wondered why i would put myself through all the stress of Camp. It was hard to explain but finally i realized, that by the end of camp, i am a much happier person. i feel free at camp. Free to be who i am, if i chose to. Free to get all "powerful" if i need to. Free to just be a grownup with a great bunch of grownups that i am proud to call my friends (ok, sometimes i even call them family).
Time to try to settle my brain. i am hoping this helped. i need to at least nap between beeps.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Almost the end of week 8
Today is Friday. Today is therapy day. i need it.
i have been having panic attacks. Yes it finally broke threw. It overwhelmed me. The first one was intense. i couldn't even write in my journal. i wanted out of it so bad. The meds wouldn't work. They didn't calm me at all. i ended up cutting. It broke the attack. It made me feel better. The next day, it happened again. Two times. i didn't cut this time. On the advice of P&E i went to my ceramics class. It helped. i am glad i called and asked their advice. Ceramics is quite calming, especially when you know that you don't have to interact with anyone else, and that any mistakes i make, i can correct.
i have been thinking a lot about Mike, and how much i miss Him. i have also been thinking about the good times, and that brings smiles to my face. Thinking about Him this year, is different than last year. Last year, i was going through the motions. i was waking up, doing what i had to, trying not to think. Pushing myself to accept that He is dead. This year, i am more aware of everything. i am aware of feeling sad, of feeling happy. i am aware when i talk about Him, or think about Him. i am past being angry at His stupidity. i am more sad that He felt He needed to lie so much. Sad that He couldn't even admit things to Himself. Other than that sadness, i am enjoying the happy memories. Yes, sometimes they make me cry. Yes i still wish He was here. i am getting better at letting my emotions come out as they need to. i guess that is a good sign in my development.
A week from today i will be waking up at camp. i am split on how i feel about it. Split on wanting to go, and not wanting to go. Wavering between thinking it will be enjoyable, and thinking it will be like dragging my feet in the mud. i am definitely prepared to get drunk again. i am really looking forward to that. i am going to be the booze center. i am taking Bailey's, Rum, Peach schnapps, and Goldshlager. i am responsible for bringing the stove, and transporting all the equipment this year. i am going to be making tacos for my communal meal. No sandwiches, no meat plate. Something warm and easy and likely to please. i am glad i thought about it.
i am really glad this is the last one we will be hosting. The decision has been made that the people that own the camp ground, will be continuing with the tradition, and they want us to manage the play parties. That takes me back to the very first time the original group of us went to the camp grounds to stake it out. We ran the play party then. It was a great time. i like the idea that we aren't going to have all the responsibilities. No worrying about food. No worrying about registration. It will end up being a nice break, and a nice place to go and enjoy. i can see communal meals with us again, and again.
Well, sounds like the MIT is finally up. i was actually sitting here for the last hour and a half wishing He wouldn't. Yeah, that is how down i am right now. Instead, He is up, and will be wanting food soon. The new med His is on has stopped the seizures. He has been having more episodes of one side or the other gone. No real "full blown" episodes. Even on days when both sides are working, His balance is way off. i am not seeing my strong MIT as much anymore. i am seeing the MIT that is loosing mile stones, and balance, and is physically deteriorating. Great.
Well, i guess that is all. i have other news, but am not ready to share it out loud. i am scared it won't happen, and things fall through, and i am left feeling worse.
Time to cook the MIT breakfast. Hopefully it isn't going to be french toast again (He has had that on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday). At least He gets a smoothie every morning. It is nice to not have to worry about Him actually getting fruits every day. Time to stop droning on and on.
Have a great day all.
i have been having panic attacks. Yes it finally broke threw. It overwhelmed me. The first one was intense. i couldn't even write in my journal. i wanted out of it so bad. The meds wouldn't work. They didn't calm me at all. i ended up cutting. It broke the attack. It made me feel better. The next day, it happened again. Two times. i didn't cut this time. On the advice of P&E i went to my ceramics class. It helped. i am glad i called and asked their advice. Ceramics is quite calming, especially when you know that you don't have to interact with anyone else, and that any mistakes i make, i can correct.
i have been thinking a lot about Mike, and how much i miss Him. i have also been thinking about the good times, and that brings smiles to my face. Thinking about Him this year, is different than last year. Last year, i was going through the motions. i was waking up, doing what i had to, trying not to think. Pushing myself to accept that He is dead. This year, i am more aware of everything. i am aware of feeling sad, of feeling happy. i am aware when i talk about Him, or think about Him. i am past being angry at His stupidity. i am more sad that He felt He needed to lie so much. Sad that He couldn't even admit things to Himself. Other than that sadness, i am enjoying the happy memories. Yes, sometimes they make me cry. Yes i still wish He was here. i am getting better at letting my emotions come out as they need to. i guess that is a good sign in my development.
A week from today i will be waking up at camp. i am split on how i feel about it. Split on wanting to go, and not wanting to go. Wavering between thinking it will be enjoyable, and thinking it will be like dragging my feet in the mud. i am definitely prepared to get drunk again. i am really looking forward to that. i am going to be the booze center. i am taking Bailey's, Rum, Peach schnapps, and Goldshlager. i am responsible for bringing the stove, and transporting all the equipment this year. i am going to be making tacos for my communal meal. No sandwiches, no meat plate. Something warm and easy and likely to please. i am glad i thought about it.
i am really glad this is the last one we will be hosting. The decision has been made that the people that own the camp ground, will be continuing with the tradition, and they want us to manage the play parties. That takes me back to the very first time the original group of us went to the camp grounds to stake it out. We ran the play party then. It was a great time. i like the idea that we aren't going to have all the responsibilities. No worrying about food. No worrying about registration. It will end up being a nice break, and a nice place to go and enjoy. i can see communal meals with us again, and again.
Well, sounds like the MIT is finally up. i was actually sitting here for the last hour and a half wishing He wouldn't. Yeah, that is how down i am right now. Instead, He is up, and will be wanting food soon. The new med His is on has stopped the seizures. He has been having more episodes of one side or the other gone. No real "full blown" episodes. Even on days when both sides are working, His balance is way off. i am not seeing my strong MIT as much anymore. i am seeing the MIT that is loosing mile stones, and balance, and is physically deteriorating. Great.
Well, i guess that is all. i have other news, but am not ready to share it out loud. i am scared it won't happen, and things fall through, and i am left feeling worse.
Time to cook the MIT breakfast. Hopefully it isn't going to be french toast again (He has had that on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday). At least He gets a smoothie every morning. It is nice to not have to worry about Him actually getting fruits every day. Time to stop droning on and on.
Have a great day all.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Feeling "off"
i don't know what is going through my head today. It is almost like i am at the beginning of an anxiety attack, and am in a holding pattern where my body is jumpy, my head is swirling, and i don't feel settled. i wish i would just either move into full attack or calm enough to feel settled.
i know i have been thinking about Mike a lot. i have been missing Him constantly. i have bouts of tears, and bouts of joy. i keep looking up stuff. Looking for pictures of Him or us. Looking for emails He sent over the years. Looking for Him everywhere. i really want Him here with me. i have wanted Him back for the last few days. God i miss Him. i could really do with Him being here right now.
Maybe it is the lack of sleep. Maybe that is it. That would make sense. OK, no more thinking away how i am feeling. (Therapist talking in my ear) i need to just feel. i need to let myself just go with how i feel. i need to just cry if i feel the need (like right now). i know i have been keeping in how crappy i have been feeling. i have been ignoring the signs of holding everything inside. The need to yell. The quick to temper. The feeling of being unsettled.
Ok. Other stuff.
The willow trees in my neighbour's yard were cut down.
Here is the before......
And here is the after.......
And here is the after.......No more trees. The beautiful willow trees are gone. all that are left are the trunks. It was sad last weekend, watching the untrained men cutting these down. i yelled across the fence that i want some of the pieces from the trees. Hopefully i can get those.
Also, i finished one of my projects at ceramics. Here is my ugly troll guy
He is an incense holder. i think he is mighty cute. i am proud of the job i did. i am currently working on 3 other projects. This troll guy was done in acrylics. i am starting to work with under glazes. i soon want to work with glazes.
i got my mark from my reflexology written exam. i needed a 70% to pass. i got an 89%.
Monday, July 30, 2007
week 7, countdown, and confusion
Yes, today is the start of week 7 of the MIT's summer vacation. i am loosing my steam. i am still making Him breakfast every day. i am still trying to get Him out of the house. i am over tired, and things have gotten different. Friday we found out He had a broken baby toe that i had mistaken a week before that as a dislocation. A broken toes wouldn't be a problem normally, but for Him, it means that when that side goes, and He tries to walk, He is putting ALL His weight on that one toe. This, of course, means no karate, and stumbling all over the place.
The countdown is for camp. There is 18 days until the start of camp. That doesn't mean i have 18 days until i have to be there though. The org usually goes up the night before and leaves a day later. i don't know if i can actually go up there like usual. my Mom is not cooperating. LOL. Yes it all depends on her. Then again, i can hope that my sister doesn't find a job between now and then, and she can take care of the MIT during the times i need. That would be best case senario.
This will be the second camp without Mike, and the last camp we run. It is a big loss. i am still grieving Mike, and now i get to grieve something we all built together. No, i don't have the drive to actually do more. Hell, i don't know if i have the drive to survive this one. Another one, is just not something i am looking forward to. Going to someone else's event is hard. It is like trying to replace the perfect pair of pants with something new, and having to work them in. i don't like working another event in. Hell, we don't get to work another event in. We just get to go, and bitch about how we would like it if we did it. Then again, we are good at that. Both at bitching and creating something we would enjoy. i just wish we didn't have to work so hard to do it. my dream event would be one that we organized, and found people to actually do. We would "hire" those who would fulfill our dream, and we could sit back and let it happen. Then again, we are a bunch of control freaks, so it probubly wouldn't work that way anyways.
Confusion. Let's see. i am lonely. i want sex. i don't want to be in a relationship, or expected to have sex, but i would like to actually be taken out on dates. i am not ready to open myself up to anyone, but i would like to be taken out. Wined and dined. Shown off and shown a good time. Then again, i don't want to go out. i want to stay safe. i want to stay in my own "bubble" and just be. i guess the big question is, what do i want more? Do i want sex? Do i want my bubble? Do i want to go out? Do i want to stay home? i am not sure yet. Since i don't know, it isn't time to put myself out there. When i know it, i will take the dive. Just not yet.
The countdown is for camp. There is 18 days until the start of camp. That doesn't mean i have 18 days until i have to be there though. The org usually goes up the night before and leaves a day later. i don't know if i can actually go up there like usual. my Mom is not cooperating. LOL. Yes it all depends on her. Then again, i can hope that my sister doesn't find a job between now and then, and she can take care of the MIT during the times i need. That would be best case senario.
This will be the second camp without Mike, and the last camp we run. It is a big loss. i am still grieving Mike, and now i get to grieve something we all built together. No, i don't have the drive to actually do more. Hell, i don't know if i have the drive to survive this one. Another one, is just not something i am looking forward to. Going to someone else's event is hard. It is like trying to replace the perfect pair of pants with something new, and having to work them in. i don't like working another event in. Hell, we don't get to work another event in. We just get to go, and bitch about how we would like it if we did it. Then again, we are good at that. Both at bitching and creating something we would enjoy. i just wish we didn't have to work so hard to do it. my dream event would be one that we organized, and found people to actually do. We would "hire" those who would fulfill our dream, and we could sit back and let it happen. Then again, we are a bunch of control freaks, so it probubly wouldn't work that way anyways.
Confusion. Let's see. i am lonely. i want sex. i don't want to be in a relationship, or expected to have sex, but i would like to actually be taken out on dates. i am not ready to open myself up to anyone, but i would like to be taken out. Wined and dined. Shown off and shown a good time. Then again, i don't want to go out. i want to stay safe. i want to stay in my own "bubble" and just be. i guess the big question is, what do i want more? Do i want sex? Do i want my bubble? Do i want to go out? Do i want to stay home? i am not sure yet. Since i don't know, it isn't time to put myself out there. When i know it, i will take the dive. Just not yet.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Thinking about His collar
Welcome to week 5 of our summer vacation. Today is our dentist appointments. The MIT gets to have a checkup and cleaning. i get to have a root canal. Yeah me. At least the meds my doctor has prescribed are good ones. Who knew Demerol came in pill form.
i have been reading a few journals lately. The talk seems to be centered around collars. i used to have a collar. It was a charm Mike gave me at the club we were working on for the DSSG. It was a fake padlock charm. The chain it was on changed 2 times. It never left my neck. i have pictures of me and Mike together, with it on my neck. i have pictures of it on me with my son. i have pictures of it on me naked. It meant the world to me. i wore it almost continually for 6 1/2 years. It came off 2 times. Once in 2005 after Mike's surgery, and once more in February of 2006. i never wore it again. It is still gone to this day. After Mike died, i never got it back. Mike's wife couldn't find it in His apartment. It wasn't in His wallet where He had put it. i still wear the chain it was last on. i wear it on my ankle. i haven't taken it off since His death.
i miss the feel of it around my neck, even now. i find myself searching for the comfort of it. i run my hands around my neck looking for it, without even thinking. Who knew a piece of jewelry could mean so much.
i guess it is the same as someone who was married and their partner dies. They still have the wedding ring. They still play with it. They hold on to it. They twist it for comfort. It is a feeling of still being a part of something bigger than themselves. That is how i think of it anyway. That the bond between Mike and i is still there, and that silly piece of jewelry is a way of holding on to Him.
i still miss Him. It is getting easier. i don't think of Him as often. At the same time, He is always in my thoughts. i guess i am getting used to Him not being around. i hate that. i feel like i should still be dressed in black (not that i ever really was) and wailing about missing Him. i get so lonely without Him sometimes. i get so lonely without that silly piece of jewelry around my neck.
i have been reading a few journals lately. The talk seems to be centered around collars. i used to have a collar. It was a charm Mike gave me at the club we were working on for the DSSG. It was a fake padlock charm. The chain it was on changed 2 times. It never left my neck. i have pictures of me and Mike together, with it on my neck. i have pictures of it on me with my son. i have pictures of it on me naked. It meant the world to me. i wore it almost continually for 6 1/2 years. It came off 2 times. Once in 2005 after Mike's surgery, and once more in February of 2006. i never wore it again. It is still gone to this day. After Mike died, i never got it back. Mike's wife couldn't find it in His apartment. It wasn't in His wallet where He had put it. i still wear the chain it was last on. i wear it on my ankle. i haven't taken it off since His death.
i miss the feel of it around my neck, even now. i find myself searching for the comfort of it. i run my hands around my neck looking for it, without even thinking. Who knew a piece of jewelry could mean so much.
i guess it is the same as someone who was married and their partner dies. They still have the wedding ring. They still play with it. They hold on to it. They twist it for comfort. It is a feeling of still being a part of something bigger than themselves. That is how i think of it anyway. That the bond between Mike and i is still there, and that silly piece of jewelry is a way of holding on to Him.
i still miss Him. It is getting easier. i don't think of Him as often. At the same time, He is always in my thoughts. i guess i am getting used to Him not being around. i hate that. i feel like i should still be dressed in black (not that i ever really was) and wailing about missing Him. i get so lonely without Him sometimes. i get so lonely without that silly piece of jewelry around my neck.