One more left

i only have one more gift to buy, and then i am done. Not only that, but the tree is decorated. i am not really feeling the "holiday spirit", but that is ok. That will come and go.

Therapy went ok. i had to meet with only the student counceler. We talked a bit about how things are going. She wanted to talk about what it was like and how i felt being pregnant, and about how the MIT seems to be progressing backwards, but i told her no. They are trying to teach me to stay in the moment, and let my energies go to that, and i felt that exploring that avenue of my issues would be taking away from dealing with the hear and now and the holidays. We did talk about how she sees / hears a difference in my attitude about certain things. A good example is the 21st.

The 21st would be the day that Mike and the MIT and i would celebrate our Christmas / Yule* together. To make the day more ok for me, i have plans for that night. Plans to be with friends that are supportive of me feeling what i feel, when i feel it. There will be no pressure of having to be happy the entire time. There will be on pressure of having to feel grief that night. No matter how i feel, it will be ok. Plus, when i talked to the councelor about it, i used words like "might" have a problem, instead of "will" have a problem. i talked in maybe's and if it does. That definitly is a change for me. i have E to thank for that one. She taught me that about when the MIT started high school. That there is power in how we think, and that by expecting the worse, i am setting myself up. i talked about that with the councelor. That by saying it would be a difficult day, i would be setting myself up in 2 ways. Either i would have fun and be mad at myself for enjoying things to much, or i would be grumpy and withdrawn, and be mad at myself for not enjoying the night. The councelor thinks i am looking at the holidays in a healthy way. She was suprised to learn i have even gone grocery shopping alone.

Overall, therapy went well. i walked out feeling like i could survive all this grieving and the whole holiday season. i walked out knowing in my heart that i have friends that are supportive of me, and that i don't have to hide how i feel around them. It is like by saying it outloud it made it more real to me. Even the MIT has been more supportive of me grieving. He no longer says He hates Mike when i am upset. He says "you are thinking of MFM** aren't you?", and lets it go at that.

This post is feeling pretty jumbled. It is covering a lot of stuff i didn't expect to put in it. That is ok. This is a place for me to vent for a while. Plus, this venting is all good.

*Note : i actually had to explain what Yule was to the councelor. She thought it was some sort of party. Now that was fun.
**Note : MFM stands for Mike's initials.

Powered by Qumana