A Weekend

Yesterday was a productive day. i went to Walmart for some groceries (and forgot to pickup more towels), went to Chapters and got the complete series of the Golden Compass, went to Starbucks for a treat, and went to Fortinos and got more groceries. Very productive.

Then i "borrowed" the MIT's DVD player, and watched 300 in the comfort of my bedroom and bed. Now that was cool. i think i will do that more often. i actually am planning on doing that today, before the MIT gets home.

Today has also been productive. i cleaned out the top shelf of my closet. It looks full, but it actually is holding less. i also cleaned up the stuff that was under the "phone bench" that Mike had given to me. That bench is leaving today to a good home. Instead of the bench, i now own a really big box. i am going to use it to store all my reflexology towels, blankets and pillows. That way clients know they are dust free. i am worried it will become a dumping ground for all my stuff, as i enter my room, but i know all i have to do is clean it off when a client is scheduled.

i also did something i swore i would never due. i contacted S&B. Sure it was about getting some books back, but i had made a promise to myself to never bring them back into my life. They did deliver the books back yesterday afternoon. Seeing them again just solidified my opinion about them. i still feel like they used me right after Mike died. i still feel like i was a "toy" in their games with each other. i still can't believe that S was one of the people Mike felt could / would take care of me after His death. i much prefer the other people He left me with.

L&D were wonderful, and still are. They gave me a chance to grieve and to play and to let go of feeling like crying all the time. They made their home a safe harbour without memories of times spent there with Mike. i just don't understand why i haven't heard from them in such a long time. It feels like they are mad at me over something, but i have no idea what. There was no talk about getting together for Yule. There has yet to be talk about getting together now. i have left numerous messages on their voice mail, and have even emailed them via Face Book, but have yet to really hear anything. i just really wish i knew what i did to offend them so much.

P&E are and have always been a perfect match with me. We all get along. We understand each other. They were and are rocks in my grieving process. i feel so safe with them. i know that if i asked to be played with tomorrow, they wouldn't judge me for it. i know that if i need someplace to cry, their shoulders would be there. i also know that if they need help, they will get a hold of me. They will also tell me when i am being a shit. With them, i can be myself, or whatever self i need to be at the time. Care giver, lonely friend, messed up and grieving, child like, flirty, or even just a place to go to not be alone.

Then there is SH. i really need to spend more time with her getting to know her. i know she understands being left alone. She is divorced and knows what it is like to loose someone she has been with after what feels like forever. She knows and understands the difficulty in "getting back out there". She know and understands how it feels to be in the presence of couples and feeling left out.

OK, this is getting mushy. Time to watch a movie before the MIT gets home. OH, but first, pictures of the old bench, and of the new box.

Old bench

New box