Therapy again

i have been pretending that everything is alright. That i was moving forward. That life doesn't suck as much as it does. That i was "getting over" Mike's death. Yeah well, today that all came crumbling down.

i sat there crying for 20 minutes about how much i still want to wake-up. That the whole point of taking the reflexology was to prove that i could have something that was just mine. That if i finished it, i would deserve to wake up and have earned the right to my life back. To His life back. To our life back.

How i still think it is my fault He died. That i must have done something really wrong to make Him go away. That He had promised to not leave me. That He broke that promise. That i still want to die. That i don't want this life that i have, without Him in it. That waking up to this reality sucks. That i just want this to all be a dream and to wake-up, in His arms, and get back to normal. i have survived 19 months without Him, and proved that i love Him, and i deserve for everything to go back to normal.

Hell, i never retaliated when B put me down, called me names, called my son names, threatened me, screamed at me. i never retaliated against A&L when they went behind my back, called me names, told people stories, turned people against me. Yes i yelled at L and yes i was angry, but i never retaliated with any of the things they did to me, including letting them come to the memorial that was held for those that knew Him here. i haven't gone to His grave. i know that would bother B.

i have been a good girl. i haven't gone out looking to replace Him. i can't even think about that. But still, He won't wake me up. Every morning i get to realize that He is still dead. It sucks. i hated admitting it today. i hate admitting it now.

i just want Our life together back. i want Him back. i need Him back. i feel so lost without Him.