I've got that "blah" feeeeling

i am still feeling blah. So blah, that i want to just stay home tonight. i don't want to go out. i am doubting what i am going to wear. i am doubting how strong i am, and if i can handle things if people i don't like will be there. i just want to curl up and go to sleep for the entire night. But i am not going to do that. Sure i will keep the doubt with me for a bit, and maybe my mood might not be that great at the beginning of the night, but i know that going out will help counter how i am feeling right now.

i will take what i need to make me feel comfortable. i will tuck something into a bag or purse that i can fiddle with to make me feel centered. It could be a necklace, or a set of earings. It doesn't really matter. i know that carrying something will help me feel more in control. Plus, the outfit i am wearing has many, many pockets, so i can always tuck something small in one of those.

i also know that friends will be there. People i love, and that love me and care about me, and won't let me wallow for no reason. i also know that i can always find a quiet space to just stand back and watch what is going on. If i need to find a job to do, i know the organizers enough that they will find me something. i know i will be safe there. Sure, i could call on my friends to make sure i actually go, but i want to do this on my own. i want to be able to take control of myself and head there myself, and make sure i follow through on something i arranged. i need to do this myself.

So, now i need to get into the shower. Wash away this blah feeling as much as i can. Find that sexy me someplace inside my head. Take my time getting dressed, and holding myself to my prior choice. Put on makeup and feel even sexier. Take my regular meds (including the antibiotic). Put on a long coat and head out to the event. i have plenty of time. The event doesn't start until 8:00. i can take my time with this. Just not to much time. Too much time and i can talk myself out of anything.

Ok, time to settle, relax for a bit, and then head into the shower.

Ok, just found out someone i don't like will definitly be there tonight. Deep breaths. Not going to give this person the power over me in going. Am going to go and enjoy myself and keep all my power to myself. i am going because i want to, and because i know i will have fun. Even if it is just to look at people's outfits.