The last post should have been titled "Pity Party". That was alot of what i was saying. At the time, it felt all justified. Looking back, a pity party was what it was all about.
i have been getting physically ill while i sleep for about a week. i had thought it was what ever bug has been going around. Upset stomach, vomiting, sleeping at the drop of a hat, not feeling up to par. i had to be sick. It had to be what ever everyone i know has been going through. That was all i was concentrating on. It still very well might be.
Then E mentioned something. She mentioned how sometimes, when she isn't feeling well on the inside, it can manifest itself on the outside. That the bundle of emotions build up and physically her body reacts.
A light bulb went off. Something i hadn't thought of. i have had that happen before. Actually, my body was really good at doing that. If i got over stressed about something, my body would purge itself both physically and mentally. (eg. the MIT having to be taken to hospital by ambulance and me later getting sick in the waiting room washrooms because of the stress of the situation) Plus, sometimes it is easier for me to concentrate on physically feeling off, while not having to concentrate on how yucky i feel inside my own head.
As i thought about what E had said, i realized i haven't been really feeling anything emotionally. Sure i have been thinking about the MIT and how He is doing and how stressful that is. Sure i have even written about it. But i haven't really been feeling it. i have been quite logical in my way of looking at things. Sure i have been thinking of Mike, and talking about missing Him. Then i realized how quickly when someone asks me if anything is new with me, i start off with saying "Well, Mike died", or in the middle of a conversation, i will bring up Mike . Heck, i did that alot at Steeletto. But i wasn't emotional about it. i was very cold almost. (that is how i feel looking back, maybe i didn't "present" that way, but that is how i am seeing it now)
So, how am i feeling? Or, even better, what am i feeling? i really don't know right now. i can't seem to find it. i can't seem to fight threw the physical feelings to the emotional ones. i know i have felt pangs of guilt because this physical stuff has been interrupting my commitments. i know i have been feeling out of control over certain issues, and that is emphasized by the physical stuff. i also know that feeling "ok" over Mike being dead is part of what is going on. How can i be so ok with it? How come it isn't affecting me? It isn't that i am glad He is dead, just that i am acting like it is ok that He is dead.
Seems i have a bunch of stuff to hit on in therapy tomorrow. i don't know if it will come up. Sandy might have other avenues to explore. i am so not "feeling" it, that i doubt i will bring it up. Because really, other than the physical manifestations, nothing really seems to be wrong.
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