Fri, 16 Jun 2006

know You aren't here, but i still need to talk with You, so here i am again. Our private space where i get to sound off, and You talk to me later about it. Whenever You get around to reading it that is. i need You to see the picture TJ had me take of him and i the day You died. The one he called You about, but You didn't answer the phone. i should have known something was wrong when You didn't answer the phone. Anyways, here it is. He started calling me shrimp after that. He was a good inch taller than me that day. He is taller now. You would be so proud of him and how he is doing. He has been talking with Beth, and is still blaming himself for You dying. He still wants to ignore it ever happened. He still says things that include You and makes plans that include You. He started asking about if i would be watching Big Brother with the two of you again this year. He was fooling around outside and i was scared he would get hurt, and he said that it was ok, "Mike will fix me if I get hurt". i don't know what to say to him when he says stuff like that. i had to re-teach him what to do if i used the epipen. He said that he was to call You, but that he knew he couldn't cause You were dead. The night the mouse came out, he gave me a big hug while Dad set traps and waited for it to show its head. He had me walk around outside, and kept saying "ask Mike how to get rid of it. Just look up and ask Mike, He will tell you" i tried to explain that i still can't hear You. That i can't feel You. It was too hard of a concept for Him to understand.Sherry is letting me call Her Mistress now. i still feel like an extra, an added-on. Someone She must feel obligated to look after. Peter said something about Her last night. Something along the lines of "what is Her deal anyways?" i looked at Him blankly and He said "i don't get Her, there is just something". i left it at that. i don't need to deal with that. i called Sherry Mistress in the Alt channel when Kat was there. We figure there will be some sort of questioning going to happen. That is one of the reasons Sherry, buffy and i are going to Monster's Munch. i am so nervous. There are people there that don't know that the 4 of us were working together. That the dynamics were great with the 4 of us. Tomorrow is the Org meeting. i have promised Peter i will be there. i don't want to go. i want to go off and pretend that life hasn't moved on without You. i don't want to be there and not hear "Hold on a minute" or "no ifs ands or buts", or even the "nevermind". Helmut wants to hold another kind of ritual for You at camp on the Friday night. That is way to much for me to handle. Another 2 months of trying to pretend that i am ok, and then having to deal with all the emotions surounding just being at camp without You. i can't handle that. It will be hard enough this year. Bev emailed me again. She wanted information about how to get ahold of Dr. Crombie. i called Carrie to make sure it was ok. Carrie said it was fine, so i will be sending that off to Bev soon. Bev also asked what i thought would be nice for TJ to have to remember You by. i figure anything that TJ had given You as gifts would be a good idea. Bev still shows so much anger in her email to me. She made the comment that she didn't know what to send for TJ, as she didn't think the female clothing and the 2 sex toys were appropriate. i wish she understood our relationship better, that i was never a threat to her. Anyways, it is time to go and get Sherry and then head out to the munch. i wish You were going to be there. i downloaded all of the photos i have of You onto the iPod You gave me. That way i can carry images of You where ever i go. Sherry even sent the ones from the last time we all played together. i have You standing over my red ass for the last time. i miss You so much. i know You can hear me. i know that when i talk to You here i am talking to You. i know that i am blocking out feeling You and hearing You because that would make this all real. You still have the deadline i set. You have until the morning of the 18th. i love You. Please just wake me up.