Wed, 21 Jun 2006

i am no longer going to exchange emails with Bev. i can't anymore. She was nice on the last couple, but i can't handle even seeing that i have received one from her. Peter is going to handle them from now on. Of course she threatened me again once i asked her to only email Peter. She threatened the cops coming to take Your stuff away. i went to the munch last night. It was a good munch. On the way home, i remembered that last time i drove home from the munch, You were here waiting for me. It was our last night together, ever again. i kept talking to You last night. i kept asking You to hold me, to let me feel You against my skin. Begging You to wake me up this morning. You didn't of course. You can't. You died. i can never feel You hold me again. i can never hear Your voice again. i will never smell You again, feel You in my mouth again, feel Your hands on my skin, feel the kiss of Your toys on my skin again. None of it.Never mind. i know this is a dream. That i have a lesson to learn from all this and once i have learned the lesson, i will wake up and You will be here, and everything will be normal again. We will send Mom and TJ off to Ottawa the right way. We will spend the time Mom and Dad take TJ away the right way. You will be at the org meetings and You will be here for S/mer camp. That is what will happen once You wake me up. That is the way it will be. It has to be. i'm going to lie down now. i need to feel You holding me. Maybe if i lie down in O/our bed, i will feel You. i need to feel You. i need You hear with me, and i need You back. Please. If this is the reality i am supposed to accept, please just let me feel You holding me. Let me smell You in O/our bed. Let me hear Your voice. Anything. Please.Still waiting to wake-up