Sun, 4 Jun 2006

Why won't You wake me up? Why did You leave me here to clean up Your messes again? i get that You lied to me, over and over and over. Sherry shouldn't have had to learn that. Even now i hold our last conversation on MSN a secret. i have kept so many of Your secrets. You telling Bev that You worked on the weekends You wanted to be in town here. You telling one person one thing, and another a different thing. You saying what You think someone wants to hear, and hold the real, and total truth inside. i get that You left me with the lies You told me. i have lived with them so long, they are a part of You and of what i hold on to. But You have left me to not only make decisions without clear guidelines and alienate people, but You also left me to deal with the lies You told someone else. How many other lies am i going to have to clean up for You? How many other things am i going to have to hear or fix? i am not that strong. i am not that brave. But You also left me to be an extra. That extra person in a group. That extra person in a three-some. That extra person that doesn't have anyone inlove with them. That extra person that has no one for themselves. i want to fucking wake up. Now damn it. i want to wake up. Fuck, why did You have to leave me this way. Why couldn't You just say that You didn't want me around anymore. Why won't You fucking wake me up and make this all go away. i am so tired of living this reality. i want to wake up back to normal. i need to wake up back to normal. i can't do this much longer. i am ready to give up. i can do it soon too. TJ leaves in less than i week, and i can do it. i can finally give up. i can't be an extra. i can't hold on much longer. i can't see tomorrow anymore. i can't wait much longer to wake up. i am ready. i really am ready. i am ready to wake up, or go to sleep forever. Just tell me where You are and wake me up and let this all go away. i need You and i want You and i have to wake up. i can't do this anymore. Please wake me up. Please. i just want to wake up. Please. Please Master, please wake me up. Please, please, please. i'll beg. i'll plead. i'll do anything. just please. please. please just wake me up Master. Please.