Thu, 8 Jun 2006

This is the only place i can talk to You Master. You aren't on msn anymore. You aren't on yahoo anymore. You don't get emails anymore. This is the only place. Why did You have to say You were going to be giving me Your collar back? Why? It gave me hope. Hope i don't have anymore. Why did You have to not email me often and only tell me You loved me on MSN or yahoo? Someone told Bev i wasn't important to You anymore. What do i have to do but sit here in my knowledge and just sit back and take all it is they have to say. i learned from You not to defend it. To just ignore it. i don't want to. i want to post conversations we had on MSN where You are giving me orders, and telling me You love me and that You and i were a full couple again. i want to post the ones where You said i belonged to You still, and always would. i want to screem and screem that i was more than just a friend before You died. i want to show the things You said to me. i have to go see the doctor today. She is going to find what she remembers as an abdominal ultrasound You recently had. If she remembers right, then it means You were in more trouble with Your cancer than You made out. i wonder if You told Bev about it. You didn't tell me or Sherry. You told us everything was ok. You would like what i did in the back patio. i got a new table and chairs, and i got planters. i am going to get flowers soon. Maybe today or tomorrow. i need it to be bright and different than when we would sit out there together. i have only sat out there once since You died. Bev says i don't get to go through what is left of Your stuff once she is done with it. She says i have to move on. She called me Your fuck friend. God i know how mad that email would have made You. You would have emailed her back. i can't. She is threatening legal action. Lore and Aaron are on the same band wagon. They did things that went against Your wishes. They went behind my back and have insulted me, have "threatened" me, have said things about You and me. People have said i shouldn't engage in their war with me. i haven't. they said You wouldn't have wanted me to. i almost laugh when they say that. You were the worst to act if someone did that. You would have been all over them and emailed back and forth with them. You would have made it public and told them off. i can't. i have to live with the consiquences of doing that. You don't have to now. You aren't here to defend me anymore. Did You ever really change Your will Master? You had said You did. You had said i would be taken care of. What was it that You meant? How was i to be taken care of? Did You leave instructions to Peter and Erin on what to do with me? Did You leave me instructions on how to get on with my life? i tried to make myself come Master. i couldn't do it. i kept wanting to call You like i always would to get permission. i wanted to hear Your voice telling me i was Your slut. i wanted it to be like it was on the 16th, when we were last together. i needed to feel You inside me like that night. i needed to feel Your hand in my hair, Your fingers pinching my skin, Your beating me with the blue strap while You moved in and out of me. i can't say this anywhere else. i can't talk to You anywhere else. i can't go up to see where they put Your ashes in the ground. Bev or Chris would get all angry. Especially with Your wedding anniversary coming up on Sunday. i wonder if Bev has figured out that i was the one that always reminded You of the date, or the date of her birthday, or the date of Chris's birthday, or the date of April's birthday, or the date of Neil's birthday? i doubt it. i have to go. It is time for me to get a shower, put on my cream, wake up TJ, and get on with the day. i miss You so much Master. Please wake me up soon