i need baby steps

So i did go to the munch last night.  my Sister drove me.  She was kinda freaked out about going, but did really well.  i on the other hand, had a rough time and was glad i had to be home by 10. 

i felt freezed out.  Here i was, trying to be the Org rep and all people either just walked by me without saying anything, or said hi and walked away.  i made an effort to go over to everyone (yes even those that have been going to the munch  forever) and saying hi, and asking how they had been, and, of course, hounded them about the cookie swap next month.  i even made a point of saying hello to A & L's friend LJ.  Now that was fun.  The look on her face when i actually spoke to her.  (laugh) i guess i can be evil at times.  There were only 2 new people.  One who found a group he knew.  The other had apparently been there last month and had been a little obnoxious about asking women lots of questions.  i was asked about 4 times where the name tags were.  my response was that i had actually made it to the munch and that was enough for now.  i was also (in a joking manor) told it was my fault newbees felt less welcome.  They were referring to a post i made on a mailing list.  It was difficult keeping up the "happy, glad to meet you, everything is great" persona.

At one point i actually looked to see where Mike was, so i could go up to Him and have Him hug me and tell me i was doing a good job.  That was a weird feeling.  The need to have Him there was really overwhelming.  The need to feel His hand in my hair, pulling it back, felt like such a desperate need.  i started crying at the table my Sister and i were occupying.  i ended up going out for a smoke.  The bartender came out while i was having my smoke and asked what was wrong.  He remembered Mike as being the one usually there first and that He always ordered rum and coke (white rum at that).  No one had told him about Mike.  i did the telling again. 

So i survived this giant step out into the public scene again, where i was to be social.  my Sister says i did a good job and no one could have noticed how on edge i was.  i don't like giant steps.  i need to take smaller, baby steps.  At least i went.

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