One of those people

i have become a type of person i hate.  i have become a complainer that doesn't fix the problem.  i hate people like that.  i hate listening to people that complain and complain about the same thing all the time, and do absolutely nothing to fix it.  i have become one of those people that i hate. 

i find myself complaining about one certain thing.  About being taken advantaged of by people i would normally call friends.  i haven't confronted these friends.  i have just let it slide.  i have also added to the "letting" them take advantage of me, by agreeing to do just one more thing.  i am not giving myself worth by letting this continue.  i am not giving myself a voice by not saying anything.  But i have a great excuse.

See, i was taught to pick my battles.  Right now my battles are to be able to wake-up and be productive every morning, to not take my frustrations out on the MIT, to go grocery shopping on my own, plus being in control of what i eat, when i eat, checking my blood sugars, and taking my medication when i should, and keeping up with the housework i should be doing, and finishing and graduating from my Reflexology course.  These battles are very important to me.  i have even been making progress on them.

 The course is going well, and i will get to start actually working on real volunteer clients, along with being done the book work on the 8th of December.  The final written test will be held in January, as will my final practicle test.  i had been all stressed out over the review class we had yesterday, but i did good.  i have some reading to do, and some memorizing to get done, but overall, i am confident. 

i have yet to go get groceries by myself.  Last night was easier because my Sister met me at the store and walked around it with me.  This weekend was good because i was with L and her girls.  Yes i felt a little overwhelmed once we were done, but nothing like i usually am if i go alone.  Small baby steps, but steps that are working.

my diabetes stuff is going...well....ok.  i have good days and bad days.  i have found that added stress makes me eat more.  i have found that if i skip a mean i eat more.  i have found that not including a fruit or veggie makes me not feel as good.  All things i already know, but am relearning, and trying to keep an eye on.  Mainly my problem is eating dinner WHEN i am supposed to, and not when i feel like it.  Eating at 4 or eating at 7 are not condusive to being able to keep on track.  This i must buckle down on.

i think i have done well with getting up every morning.  What is difficult is being productive once the MIT leaves for school.  This is when i have to fight my body's urge to go back to sleep.  Sometimes i do what my body and brain needs, and that is to hide.  Other times, i fight threw it and get stuff done.  i have to.  If i don't, i feel more out of control, which screws up my ability to be a good mom to the MIT 

These are battles i am fighting, and fighting hard.  These are all battles worth fighting.  The feeling taken advantage of, i own some of the responsibility in that.  i keep saying "yes" to things when i know i shouldn't, and i keep letting things slide when i shouldn't.  i also know that if i really want it to stop, i need to find my voice enough to say "stop", but it is not something i am really ready to do.  Instead, i am choosing to be one of those people i hate.  i will live with that. 

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