A little update

So, what is new with me....

i have an under the table job.  i presented a plan to a wonderful woman that would benefit both of us (plus some others in Her life), and i am now cleaning Her house once a week for actual money.  i was (and still am) so proud of myself.  i thought about it, laid out a plan, and presented it to Her.  i even said about getting paid, and presented Her with my rate.  i didn't just plain volunteer.  i didn't say i would do it for free.  i gave value to my time, and value to my abilities, and in so doing, gave myself something else to be proud of.  i started last week, and due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, had today off.  Two big changes in my life in the last 2 months.  (this is me beaming)

Halloween worked out in a weird way.  i didn't end up spending it alone, which is good. i spent it with friends.  Friends that needed me around just as much as i needed them around.  It all worked out well.  i helped out, i got smudged, i watched kids enjoy the night, and i buried an apple for Mike.  i feel good about how i celebrated Halloween.

Yesterday i went grocery shopping, and went down the deal isle.  No deals there, just lots of Christmas stuff.  i kinda freaked out, crying in the middle of the store.  i am not looking forward to this next 2 months.  Hell, i am hardly looking forward to tomorrow.  Christmas is going to be hard.  It already is.  Just seeing the decorations bothers me.  i just want to never go to a store for the next 2 months.  There really isn't anyway to do that (although i know i can order in groceries, order in my meds, stay in my van with my iPod on to get actual cash, etc.) since life must still go on.  i just wish i had some more time. 

Since i haven't got that luxury, i have to figure out how i am going to survive all this.  i need to plan and make lists.  Lots and lots of lists.  List of who i want to give gifts to.  What kind of gifts.  Where i am getting the gifts or the supplies for the gifts (if i am making them).  How much i have to spend and budget it accordingly.  Concentrate on stuff to do, and those that are here, and not concentrate so much on who isn't here anymore.  Easier thank it sounds.  Hard to put behind me.  i just know that if i don't do it this way, i will spiral again.  MIT can't deal with that.  Hell, i can't deal with that.  i guess i should bring this up in therapy tomorrow.

Powered by Qumana