Therapy went ok yesterday. Sandy asked me a bunch of questions about how the week has gone, and i vented about my Mom and the MIT's confirmation. She then asked me about how Mike would have helped me with it, if He would have been a buffer. So then there was lots of talk about how Mike was a part of the family. How He would calm me down if Mom got to agressive. How He would take care of certain things so i didn't have to go to my Mom for them. Then she said the word "How could you not miss Him?" See, this is my big issue right now. i think i should be not missing Him so much, but do. Anyways, then we got into how i still blame myself for His dying. How i don't really know if it was suicide or not. If it was His big passive-agressive side trying to find away out of the relationship. So we got into talking about Him, and His ability to accept Himself or not, and that brought up more about the BDSM side of our relationship that i had not been open about yet.
So i outted myself. i told Sandy (Jen wasn't there and i don't think i would have told if she was there) about how i am a submissive, and Mike was my Dominant (no i did not use the word Master...only baby steps) and that Mike had begon exploring more of His submissive side, and how He had started to accept that side of Himself. i explained that Mike had "another" that He played with. And all during that time, i could see Sandy counting off the reasons why it could have been suicide, or why it couldn't have been suicide, in her head.
i know that Mike's wife will never tell me what the cause of death was. She has set up road blocks so i can't find out what killed Him. i will have to wait and try to find out when death certificates and post morten reports become public so i can find out for myself.
In other news, today i am looking after E's kids this afternoon. i am going to have to figure out a way to entertain them. i am so broke right now it isn't funny. i am low on bread, on milk, on basic food items, and don't get any money until Monday. i hate being broke. i feel so out of control when i have no money.
i got an email from the AHC mailing list i am on. One of the girls (she is now 25, and i met her when she was about 11) is having more episodes that look like what the MIT has now. This is new for her. She didn't have these sorts of episodes way back when, and has progressed to having full blown episodes with eratic and trouble breathing. This is something that has been happening to the MIT since He was 4. Yes He is progressing to more difficulty breathing. Yes He has more full blown episodes than before, and yes they are scarier. Since AHC is progressive, what have i got waiting for me? What has He got waiting for Him? It scares me to think that there will be more for Him to deal with, that this could lead to His death. That is what it feels like when He has those types of episodes. Like He is going to die. There isn't anything the hospitals or doctors can do for Him during these episodes. i know what the family is going through, and i want to reach out, but how do i say that it will get worse? That the trouble breathing will increase. That the times when His body really lets Him down happens more often. How do i tell myself that worse things will be happening, and i can't do anything about it? i don't think i can go there right now. Enjoy Him while He is here. That is all i can do. Well that, and give Him more hugs and squeezes every day.
i also get to set goals for myself again for this week. Last week went pretty well. i am using a sticker chart and giving myselt stars or happy faces when i complete a task for the day.
1) Have 4 showers this week
2) Go out and get groceries on Monday with the MIT
3) Drink at least 64 oz of water each day
4) Cook dinner on Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights
5) Go out someplace (no just picking someone up) 3 times this week
6) Get dressed in real clothes 4 times this week
7) No eating after 8:00pm each night
The last one is really hard for me, but it is a healthy thing to do. Maybe after some time of me doing the water and the no eating after 8, i will be able to fit back into the jeans that L gave me, and looked so damn good on me.
Quick recap :
1) outted myself to Sandy as being a submissive and that Mike was a switch that wasn't comfortable in His own skin
2) i want to find out what Mike died from
3) complained about no money
5) i am worried about the MIT's health and future
4) goals set for this week
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