Therapy

i reclaimed something Thursday night. Something i thought was lost with Mike's death. The ability to make myself orgasm without that "yes" in my ear. i did it. Yes i still asked for permission out loud. Yes i still begged for me to be allowed. It was like i gave myself permission. Man did i feel guilty afterwards. i still do. i feel like i betrayed Him. That i let Him down.

Yesterday was a busy day. First it was my doctor's appointment. Then was the session with (what the MIT calls them) my Beths.

The doctor's went well. i lost 5 lbs. my blood pressure was normal. i got a new med to help with my asthma. She checked my chest to make sure there wasn't an infection. She said there were a few rumbles, but not to be worried. She took a peak out to the MIT and saw how big He is getting. She told me some gossip about another doctor i know. It was a really cool.

The Beths. Lets see. They have realized that right now my big block is involving Mike, and not the MIT. Yes i have issues i need to work through concerning the MIT, His disorder, His changing status, but none of that is what is really holding me back right now, or what is motivating the thoughts of suicide and anxiety. It is hard not telling them everything about the type of relationship i had with Mike. i have danced around it. i have said things like we negotiated about "rules" (yes i did the quote thing in the air when i said it), that there were consequences to not following what we had negotiated. i have said that He guided me threw allot of stuff, and helped me set goals. i have said that i feel lost since His death. i don't think i have come all out and said what our relationship was really like. i don't know if i really want them to know. Yes i think they will judge me if they knew.

So we talked about how the relationship was. They said i had a smile on my face when i talked about Him and i. Even when i talked about the arguments, and the breakups we went through. i didn't feel like i smiled. i just remembering pain. Pain in my chest. Pain in my stomach. Physical pain when describing memories. We talked about how guilty i feel for not being able to stop Him from dying. How i should have still been online with Him so i could have called 911. How i don't know how or why He died and i am sure i could have done something to make it not happen.

When i got home, all i could do was cry. Cry and weep and feel more pain. Cry over the loss of my collar around my neck. Cry for not being able to remember what His voice sounds like. Cry for not being able to smell Him on His clothes. Cry for not being able to remember what kissing Him feels like. Cry for Him not being here to hold me. Cry for not having to worry about where i sit in the house. Cry for sitting in His place on the couch and ignoring my space on the floor. Cry for missing Him so much it hurts.

i feel like i am stuck. i feel like i am lost in tears and sadness and can't see to tomorrow anymore. i am scared of the MIT going back to school and having nothing to do during the day anymore. i am scared that i have lost my power to motivate myself. i am tired. i am just so tired again. i miss feeling joy, or happiness.

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