Feeling broken

i had therapy on Friday, and since then i have felt broken. i feel like there are so many pieces of me shattered that i can't put myself back together. i have been hiding in my room since.

Sandy got me to say out loud how much i am missing Mike. How i still want to just plain wake up and it be May again. How i think maybe i am the one passes out in a hospital bed and everyone is waiting for me to wake-up. That Mike is sitting by my side and holding my hand and the MIT is with Him, and my parents, and everyone is just waiting for me. That i am the one that is dead and living in hell. Yes i have been feeling this, and yes i can put on a happy face at times, but that is how i feel. She got me to say it out loud.

Now i feel broken. Lost in grief again. Not knowing how to come out the other side. Crying is a constant. Thinking i have upset people, that i have let people down, that i am alone in feeling all this.

i feel like saying sorry to L&D for screwing up and eating cashews. i feel like saying sorry to P&E for not helping with the move. i feel like making it up to everyone but i don't know how. i am glad the MIT isn't here with me today, or even last night. He shouldn't have to see all this again. He shouldn't have to live in a sad house again. But that is how i feel. Sad. Lost in this feeling like i can never be whole again. Lost in this feeling that it is all my fault, that if i had done something differently Mike would still be here. Lost in guilt and grief and fear.

i feel so broken, and i don't know how to put the pieces together again. i tried taking down all the Christmas stuff and stuffing it all in its boxes. That just made me feel more sad. i tried talking to Him last night, asking Him to wake me up, but here i am, alone. i don't know how to get out of feeling this way. i don't know how to feel whole again.

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