Still lost

Yesterday was hard. i was going to go to my Mom's for dinner, made and served by my Sis. This was to be the first Mother's Day i hadn't spent alone. The plan was great. i was even excited about it. Then it was getting time to go.

i felt it. my chest tightening. my breathing quicken. Sweat breaking out on my forehead. Feeling overly warm. The panic attack. i wasn't going to let it stop me. i needed to be able to do this. i needed to be able to leave the house. i needed to push myself past it. So out the door i go. Ready to spend dinner at the folk's place.

As i pulled up to the stop light, i see my Dad, with the MIT. i back up and head home, with them following behind me. i guess my Dad was overly frustrated with the MIT. my brain changed. i was in Mommy mode. i took charge. i took the MIT into the house and sent my Dad home. i called my sister and let her know what was going on. i got the MIT calmed down. i called my Mom and told her we were on our way.

i fixed everything. i got my act together quickly. That is the effect the MIT has on me. It is a "have to" situation (yes Sandy i can hear you groaning now). It is a time when how i feel, where my brain and heart are, have to shut off. It used to last long enough that i could just turn it all off for weeks. It isn't like that anymore.

By the time i got home, i was back in that lost, high anxiety place. i was back to thinking and feeling. Not good thoughts. Feelings are neither good or bad. i was and am back to being lost in grief.

From all i have learned from therapy, is to go with the feelings. Let myself feel them. They will pass. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like i am drowning in them. It feels like they will overcome me and send me into a spiral.

Today i have a meeting. i don't know if i will be able to function at this meeting. i don't even care if i do.