i made it to the other side?

So i survived last weekend. i cried a lot. i wrote a lot. That was about it.

i did what Sandy suggested. i kept my written journal with me all day. i kept writing in it. Little thoughts. Depressing thoughts. Anything that came to mind was written down. There was talking to Mike. There was talking to myself. i haven't read it since i wrote it. i don't know if i will.

What surprised me, looking back now, is how i was acting. i spent most of the day sitting on the floor. i didn't sit on the couch, or on a chair. i was either lying on my bed, lying outside, or sitting on the floor. i was sitting on the floor where i would have if He was here. i didn't even realize it at the time. It took until Sunday, after picking up the MIT, before i realized it.

This week has been hard. Still no nursing. Add in a sick kid. Add in no karate. That all totals too much time with my son LOL. i am tired. i am stressed. i am concentrating more on Him than on me. That is always a worry as far as Sandy is concerned. i know she is right. i need to spend time on me. Without the nursing, i just can't. With His being sick, i just can't. i guess that is what Sandy meant when she said she didn't think i would be able to let myself go crazy.

Today is the anniversary of Mike's funeral. Today we (P&E, D, H&D, Sis) were in Seeley's Bay (well close enough). Today we were listening to "Live Like You were Dying" by Tim Mcgraw. Today we listened to the Minister explaining that she didn't have all her notes and passages to read. Today we saw His truck again, but it had a car seat in it. Today we watched the box carrying His ashes. We didn't go to the cemetery. We did see people leaving the cemetery for a fire call. Today we were the only family of His that cried.

Today, i am enjoying the sun. Today i am enjoying the quiet of my house. Today i will be BBQ'ing steaks and burgers to put away. Today i am keeping an eye on the races. Today i am tired and stressed and ready to do as little as possible. Today i am planning for the week. Today i am just being me. It is nice to finally take time for myself.