Dear Sir

It is only a week away. One week before the anniversary of Your death. i am reliving the pain and the hurt. i am reliving the grief. i keep reading our emails from back then. i keep reading the histories from our conversations leading up to that day. i keep reading the emails from friends from after that day. i keep reading emails from Bev from after that day. i don't want it to be real. i need it to be anything but real.

2 years ago we were so proud of the MIT. We were all going, as a family to the "Yes I can" awards. Our family. You, me, the MIT, my Mom and my Dad and my Sister and my Nana. The family You chose to spend Your time with. 2 years ago, Mother's Day was a celebration of Your upcoming birthday. 2 years ago, we were together, working on us, being us. 2 years ago, i was happy, i was alive, i was who i am supposed to be. i was Yours.

i am no one's. i am not submissive. i am not me. You made me feel like a person. i don't feel like that with You gone. i am a ghost, a shell. i am empty and alone. i need You so much right now. All i have of You is stuff. Not You. Just stuff. Meaningless stuff.

No arms to wrap around me. No sound of Your voice in my ear. No feel of Your body next to mine. No hand wrapped in my hair. No one to call when i need to feel myself again. No one to put me in my place. No one to calm me. No touch that sends me to my knees. No one that calls me Theirs. No one to lean against, to kneel at Their feet.

i am still Yours. In my heart i still belong to You. i still feel Your collar around my neck. i still wait for You to come in the door. i still look for You when i am with our friends. i still sit at Your feet watching TV. i still wait for You to come to me in the backyard in the middle of the night. i still want Your mark on my skin.

i haven't forgotten all the bad. i still remember that too. The lies still hurt. The finding out more lies still hurts. The knowing You couldn't or wouldn't stop hiding things from me. It is all still there, but it doesn't matter. i would take all the lies, all the hurt, all the pain of trying to work things out if You were just here.

When is it all going to be ok for me? When is May not going to suck so much? When will i be able to look at the coming day and not burst into tears from the pain of You leaving me so alone? When will it stop hurting so much?

Your slut. Your submissive.
lyxanna{TZ}