Bouncing

Different emotions over the couple of days.  Ups and downs.  Panic and calm.  Crying and not crying.  my emotions seem to be all over the place.

Thursday night, E and her kids came over and we decorated the living room for Oktoberfest.  It looks really cool, but it doesn't feel finished to me.  i know it is the perfectionist in me, so i am trying to let it go. 

Yesterday (Friday) was a difficult but not that bad of a day.  i woke-up and wished Mike a happy anniversary (it would have been 7 years since we met).  Then i looked at my "to do list".  i started to feel overwhelmed, but calmed myself down and got everything i had control over, finished. 

• i got the MIT off to school


• i packed the MIT's bag for a sleep over at my Mom's


• i packed my school bag


• i packed my "need for later" bag


• i got to school on time


• i went to St. Joe's for my therapy


• i stopped at my place to check my bank account and pickup a coat (it was really cold out)


• i went to E's and got ready to go to a porn night


• i found E's son


• i drove E and i to Toronto


• we all went to see the porn show, found the lineup to large and decided on a movie and food instead


• i drove E and i home


• i actually went to be right after getting home

i didn't let the size of my list get to me.  Today, we (my friends) are having an Oktoberfest party.  i am finding it difficult not to get overwhelmed by the size of my "to do" list today.  So far, so good.  i am mainly concentrating on those things i feel i really need to get done, rather the impression my house will give off.  i am going to be concentrating on

• going out and getting some diet pepsi and stuff


• making the MIT's room tidy


• vacuuming the house


• making sure the bathroom is clean


• doing the dishes


• shower and shave!!!!

Anything else, isn't a "have to" it is just a "would like to".  So by concentrating on what i feel i need to get done (just so i feel comfortable with people in my house), i am limiting the amount of pressure i am putting on myself.  It seems to be working so far.  i still have less than 3 hours before people are coming over, but i can do a lot in 3 hours. 

So, here's to keeping things in perspective and to keeping my mind on what is happening now, and not worrying about what will happen when everyone comes over.

i am feeling mighty proud of myself right now.

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It's all normal

So i went to the doctor's today.  Yes i gained weight again.  i knew i had.  i just didn't know where it would put me on the scale.  Now i know.  Yes my blood pressure is fine.  That is good. 

The most important thing i learned at the doctor's is that she is proud of me.  See, i have been having a harder time dealing with emotional situations.  What i mean is that i haven't been able to keep the emotions all bottled up as easily as i usually do.  Plus i have been having spontanious emotional outbursts (crying for no reason) and an increase in panic attacks.  Apparently this is normal.  That isn't what she is proud of though.  She is proud i haven't said to hell with going to therapy.  That i have decided to keep going and to keep dealing.  It was nice to hear her say those words, and that i am being strong by still going.  No, i may not like going, but it is good that i am going, and that i will continue to go. 

To some this may not seem like a happy post, but it is.  It sucks that i have to go through emotional crap that i have been burying for so long, but it is good because i know that i need to go threw it all, and i am.  It is a good thing

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Pavlov's dog

i feel like one of Pavlov's dogs. Let me explain

For over 6 1/2 years, i always asked permission before having an orgasm.  When i was with Mike, we had a set of rules to accomplish this.  If Mike was away, i could call and leave a message on His phone and that was a way of asking.  i could even send Him an email and that would qualify (for us) as asking permission.  When i played with others, i was to ask them for permission. He isn't here anymore so there is no one i need or  have to ask permission from.  Yet, i still can't reach that gushing or feeling of release without hearing the "yes" or knowing that someone is giving me permission.  After all these months, i still can't get there.

Mike died back in May.  i have been getting more used to doing certain things by myself again.  i have been moving forward and growing.  Yes i have leaned on friends for other things, but i have been learning to take charge of me.  i have started going to "school" for reflexology.  i have been going out when i want.  i have been having fun with friends when i want.  i feel totally in control some days.  There is just one thing i can't take charge of.  Oragasms. 

Take last night.  i was using one of the little, special toys that we had accumilated over time, and it is one that is totally reliable in getting me to that point, and beyond.  Everything was going right.  i was there.  i was ready.  i couldn't get past it. 

i asked for permission in my head, thinking that would help.  i asked permission outloud, thinking that would help.  Nothing.  Just writhing, feeling at the point, and nothing.  i was getting so frustrated.  i tried to say "yes" to myself.  i tried to imagine Mike whispering "yes" in my ear, but nothing.  i had thoughts of calling a friend who would understand, panting and everything, to just hear that one word (couldn't justify it and couldn't humiliate myself that way, just couldn't.  i have a feeling the person i would have called, would have been flattered, joked a bit, tortured me with asking me why, then laugh and say yes).

So, nothing.  No relief.  No drooling even though the food is right infront of me.  Still waiting for the sound of the bell.  Still waiting for that permission.  i so feel like one of Pavlov's dogs.

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Killing time

So i was sitting here, thinking everything was good, and a panic attack started.  i have no idea why, but it happened.  i did my deep breathing.  i did my self talk.  None of it really helped, so i decided to distract myself.

i found my old recipe for apple crisp.  i haven't made it in years.  i have been buying apple crisp from Zarky's.  Today i decided that peeling apples might be zen like.  So out i went, hyperventilating the whole time, and bought apples and those disposable baking pans.  i bought enough apples for at least 3, maybe 4 batches.  i bought chocolate chips for cookie making.  i bought stewing beef for what i am making for dinner.

One batch is done and cooling.  Yes, i already tried it and it is better than the one i buy.  The second is in the oven.   i should have also gotten ice cream, but i didn't.  It would have gone nicely with the warm apple crisp. 

The panic sensation hasn't left, but now i have apple crisp.  i still feel like i need to jump out of my skin.  my breathing is ragged, but if i concentrate, i can calm it down.  my hands are shaking, and my leg won't stop bouncing.  i am ok.  i know i am ok.  i don't want to take meds when i can find other ways to manage.  i am hoping another batch will help.  3 batches of apple crisp.  i wonder if it freezes well.  i wonder if i should take some to my Mom's for Thanksgiving tomorrow. 

i just want the shaking and breathing things to stop.

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A full one

What a beautiful way to wake-up.  i had forgotten how i can see Her first thing in the morning from the kitchen.  The moon so full, and bright.  i saw Her last night, but She had clouds all over Her.  This morning, She is bright and full and it is so clear.  The changes in the season are apparent.  Being able to see Her and waking up cold.  i don't want to have to turn the heat on yet.  i am not ready for that yet.  Hot chocolate.  That is the answer.  Hot chocolate and the full moon.  A great way to wake-up.

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Where is the smiley?

A friend read over this place from my head and mentioned that it seemed so sad.  It is.  i feel comfortable here to express all the nasty, dark, depressive things that enter my head here.  Happy thoughts are in my head.  There have been a lot of them lately.  i think it is time i get used to expressing those here too.

MIT - man is He enjoying school.  He loves it.  He doesn't come home angry at all.  He hardly fights me in the morning. The only difficulty in the morning is about waking up and Him wanting "5 more minutes Mom".  Once that little routine is over, everything runs smoothly.  Uniforms rock.  No arguments about what He is going to wear.  No worrying about if it will fit or not.  He has 2 main outfits He likes, and one more that is for special occasions.  Mornings rock now.  After school, He is hungry (lunch is really early for Him) and gets a snack.  After that, is homework (with no arguing at all) and karate on certain days.  He is doing really well.  i am really proud of Him.

Reflexology - i am into week 4 of my reflexology course.  Only 8 more classes to go.  i am enjoying it.  Sure the definitions of certain disabilities or illnesses are really general, but i can live with that.  i am finding that i am relaxing into the foot procedure really easily.  i find my hands flowing nicely from one reflex to the next.  i have lots of volunteers to practice on, and will get to continue using them for my practicum once i have the entire foot procedure down pat.  i got to practice on Saturday.  i did my procedure on 2 8 year olds and my two friends L&D.  i even get to practice again tonight on E.  The MIT won't let me near His feet.  That is ok.  i have enough different feet available.

Life in general - yes i have bad days.  That is apparent in most of my entries.  But there are many, many good days.  Days where i can push the depression further back.  Days i can see the joy in the sun shining.  Days i can see being able to wake up tomorrow and feel ok. 

i have been baking more.  It is something i haven't done in a long time, and am finding pleasure in it.  i am cooking dinners more often.  i can't afford to order in anymore, so i am finding ways around that.

 i have great friends around me.  i have fallen back to those i have known the longest, who have seen me threw good and bad times.  They have been very supportive and help me feel like i matter to this world.  They listen and they don't mince words when i need to hear the truth.  They are also there to let me be me. 

Friday i go to St. Joe's again, and visit with the social worker.  i have to visit with her before i get to meet with the actual doctor.  Not looking forward to it.  my head and stomach hurt after the last appointment. 

i don't have class this week.  my teacher is moving this weekend, so she needs the day for packing and stuff. 

Next weekend i get to go to a live porn show L Friday, and then everyone will be here for Octoberfest on Saturday.  Now that will be fun.  Sure it would be nice to have been able to go to Kitchener for the festivities, but this way, everyone is around and we can drink when and what we want, play music that we want, and even watch movies if we want.  i am really looking forward to it.  my Mom is even taking the MIT for the entire weekend. 

Looking forward to things is new.  i am not dreading stuff as much.  That is a good thing.  Yes i am still grieving, but i am also moving forward.  i am finding stuff that interests me.  i am finding ways to open up about my issues (including those about the MIT).  i am looking at other ways to get respite.  i am doing housework when i have the energy.  i am excited about  the reflexology course.  i look forward to the MIT coming home after school.

i think the next thing i will be looking into is pottery, or sculpting.  i know there is stuff i want to make out of clay, and the feel of the clay in my hands.  i know i want to make what i paint, and not just paint things that are pre-made.  i also want to get back into sewing.  i have a great machine, but haven't used it in years.  It would be nice to make stuff that i wear.  i also want to get back into knitting.  i have at least one project, that has been promised to one special guy, that has not been touched in months.  

Ideas for Christmas gifts are coming at me.  Yes it is hard knowing that i don't need to find one for Mike.  i still come up with ideas for Him, but then realize...well, you know.  For others, i am doing really well with the ideas.  i just have to actually sit down and do them.

So, that is all for now in this more pleasant post.  There are still some nice and happy things that have happened that i want to keep to myself.  Those may or may not come to light here, but they are definitely in my head and memory and full of goodness.  Please bare with me.

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Don't Wanna

Today i get to go and to the St. Joe's phsyciatry department for an assessment.  i don't wanna go.  i want to stay home and curl up in bed and hide.  i want to keep doing what i have been doing.  i want to only let out how i feel on my terms, and not someone else's.  i don't want to open up for a perscribed amount of time.  i don't want to let the piled-up emotions to come flooding out and feel broken again.  i feel like i have rebuilt myself back up.  i have put many of the pieces back into place and i am surviving.  i know i am not all fixed.  i know there is alot more for me to put back into place.

Yes i still think of hurting myself.  i still have plans in place of when, and how.  i still want and even feel like i need to do it.  The only thing keeping me here is MIT.  i can't figure out how to do it without it hurting Him emotionally or even physically.  And i hate it.  i hate that the MIT has that much control over my life.  i hate that my whole world revolves around this person that depends on me so much.  i just hate and resent Him alot right now.  i hate that the one thing i resent the most is the only thing keeping me from following threw.

Yes, i know.   i do this with every new experience.  i know i tend to get all nervous before hand and then go through with it, and it is never as bad as i thought it would be.  i am just really worried about how i will be tonight, after the appointment.  i am worried i can't bury what ever comes out while there.  i am worried that i will implode from all the "storing" i have been doing.  i am worried they will want me in the hospital. 

i know i still have more fixing to do, that all the pieces are not back in place.  i know i have been battling this depression for over 10 years without seeing someone "professionally" (other than my family doctor).  i am still here.  Like i told the lady on the phone, i can't be anything but here. 

Venting isn't working this morning

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Things i learned

After rearranging my bedroom, i learned a few valuable lessons.

1. Never move a dresser with all the clothes and junk in it.


2. See number 1 when moving the second dresser.


3. Never move a book shelf without taking all the books off it, or the shelf will do it for you.


4. Never move your bed when it is still all together and has the books that fell off the shelves on it.


5. Bending from the legs instead of the back means less back pain, but more leg pain.


6. Be prepared to find things that have been missing for a long time.


7. Be prepared to find things left here by Mike and have crying outbursts remembering Him and His death.


8. A vacuum cleaner can not handle a blindfold.


9. Try not to break the belt of the vacuum in the middle of cleaning out under your bed.


10. Be prepared to find new places for things that used to have places when the furniture was elsewhere.

Now my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts, and most importantly, my hands hurt.  Gripping things hurt right now.  i hope it won't last long.  i still have class on Friday.  At least it is mostly done.  i have pictures to move around, as they are no longer centered above the bed and now dresser.  i have a space where i want to put a toy box for me (lil_lizzy).  i have stuff that needs to go to amity/goodwill/etc.  Other than that.  i am quite happy with the way my room turned out. 

Today is homework (2 chapters and practice the relaxation foot proceedure).  i am hoping to practice at least 2-3 times before Friday.  The chapter stuff is easy.   Right now, i am on the skeletal system.  i wish i had baked cookies yesterday.  i love doing homework while munching on cookies, and having some milk.  Old memories, but good memories. 

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A change.....

Don't ask me why, but today i decided to rearrange my bedroom.  Move the bed, move the dressers, move the end tables (aka file cabinets).  Just move everything around and clean out what i don't need and what i do need and then either get rid of it or put it in the basement.

Everything was going really well.  i cleaned out the corner that seemed to store more than it should.  i moved the tall dresser (i really need a new/old one).  i moved the end table.  i moved the bed.  While i was moving everything i was vacuuming as i went.  Then it happened.

The vacuum ate something it shouldn't have and now the belt is broken.  Sure i can still vacuum up dust, but the entire floor is needing a good going-over.  Add to that the fact that i really don't have the money to get it fixed, and i feel like i am at a standstill.  Add to that the fact that i will need to actually move furniture down into the basement, and i really don't feel like going any further.  Too bad i have to, as i don't have any room on my bed right now to fit me.

 i guess it is time to get back to work.  i need to have it all done before the MIT gets home.  At least that isn't until 8, but there is still other stuff to do.  Making tuna salad for the MIT for lunches.  Baking cookies so the MIT has a treat in His lunch.  Take the stuff to Amity, or where ever i will take it.  Move stuff into the basement.  Lots of stuff to still do.

Man this is a mundane entry.  This is what most of my hand written journal looks like.  Mundane, everyday stuff.  Nothing really exciting to write about.  Just another typical day in my life. 

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Opening Seasons

Why have all of the shows lately, all the premiers, been about grieving and being left behind?

Grey;s Anatomy : An intern (Izzy) falls in love with a patient (Paul?).  Patient needs a new heart.  Intern makes it happen (not quite legally).  Patient gets new heart and all is well.  They talk about getting married.  They talk about the future.  They make promises to each other.  Everything is good.  All is well.  Suddenly patient dies.  Out of no where.  Everything was good, and he dies.  Intern starts to grieve, knowing all the promises are finished.  What should have been is gone.  She feels alone.  Feels like she has died.  Everything was so good, and then nothing is left.  Nothing at all.  No more promises of good things.  Just pain and nothing. 

Ghost Whisperer : Friends.  Best Friends.  One is slightly weird (Melinda), the other accepting of the weirdness.  Plans for the future being formed.  Friendship blooming.  Life is all good.  The accepting one dies, suddenly. The weird one is left, wondering why.  Not wanting to accept the other's death.  Not knowing what to do.  Not having someone to bounce how she feels off of.  Not having her friend there to comfort her when she needs it the most.  Not knowing how to find closure.

My mom says it is always like that every season.   That at the end of every season, someone is dying, or about to die or has died.  That every new season, the characters have to deal with the grief.  She says that this year it is just so much more apparent to me.  That it is just they way TV is, and that i am finding more of my grief as i watch.

Today i am going to pickup Mike's altar box.  i will be getting stuff back that was His.  i will be getting stuff back that is mine.  i am driving myself.  Maybe i will call my sister and ask her to drive.  i don't know if i can do this on my own.  Really not sure.  i don't know where i will put it.  i know i want it, need it even.  So i will be going to get it.  Either alone, or with support.  i am going to get it.

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Dream Interpretation

Ok, this is getting rediculous.  i have had, at least three times a week, dreams that include rats.  Big hairy ugly rats.  Rats lying in food.  Rats running around.  Rats that have landed on me.  Rats that have run around me.  Rats that i have chased.  Rats that i have captured and thrown out the door.  Rats that i have captured and given to other people. 

These dreams have taken place in my house.  Only once did a cat come into the dream.  The rats were living above my stove.  Other times my dream takes place some where else.  i don't know where it is.  i didn't recognize it at all. 

This time there were many people around and no one else seems to notice the rats.  Only i seem to know that they were there.  Only i seemed to be able to capture them.  Once word got around, people were asking me for rats.  i couldn't keep up with the demand.  Then i saw what they were doing to the rats and i wouldn't give them away anymore.  They were flinging the rats around in those cloth gift bags i would put them into.  They would throw the rats at the wall.  One person (i don't know if it was male or female) stuck the bag to a target and was throwing stuff at it.  People were even stepping on the rats. 

i hate rats.  i hate mice.  Tame ones, in a cage, i can handle.  Wild ones, skittering around, making noise with their claws, making those weird squeeking noises just grosses me out.  When there has been a mouse in my house, i usually leave until it is dead.  These dreams, with the wild, creepy, ugly giant rats, are really starting to get to me.  i wish i knew what they were trying to tell me.  i wish i could make them stop

In other news.  Today is my second day of class.  i have finished all my homework.  i have all my supplies.  Now all i have to do is get these rats out of my brain, get the MIT to school, and shower, dress and get to class. 

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This and That

i started crying yesterday.  There was no reason.  No thought, just tears.  Uncontrollable, vomit inducing, stomach wrenching tears.  i couldn't figure it out.  Why would it have started?  It had been a good day.  i had gotten stuff done that i needed to get done.  i had talked with friends.  i had been laughing and everything had been good.  So why the tears?

It was then my Mom called.  Seems yesterday was Wednesday.  i have been good for Wednesdays for a little while.  So what if it was Wednesday?  Wednesdays hadn't been bad for a while, so why now?  Why yesterday?  It wasn't like i was thinking about Him.  It wasn't like i was going over how much i was missing Him.  Thoughts of Him didn't even cross my mind as i cried and vomitted.  Mom says i did too much.  It didn't feel that way.  It really didn't.  i still don't understand.

Tomorrow i start school.  After class, i go to Pam's to be with her and Ethan.  There is talk about lunch.  i don't know if we are going out or if Ethan is cooking.  They are busy as it is.  They are heading for vacation Saturday.  Saturday i am going to the Pagan Pride day here.  Danielle is coming with me.  i am not sure what is going to be happening Saturday night, but it is all good. 

i am so tired.  Just so tired all the time.  Tired right now even.  MIT will be home soon.  Then i get to make dinner and get the MIT ready for karate.  Actually, i am starting dinner now.  It will take a hour or so for dinner to cook.  After that, i will let it sit and wait for a while.  Maybe the MIT will eat some.  Then again, He might now.  He can be fickle.  Anyways, off to the mundane life i seem to be living. 

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Ups and downs

So i did it.  i registered for the reflexology course.  i start on Friday.  i have already read over the first 3 chapters, and plan on reading more.  It is a dry read, but i am so excited about taking it, and eventually using the skills i learn, that i am breezing right through it.  i even had a pedicure today and am getting a manicure tomorrow to celebrate.  Hellen said, on Saturday, that Mike would be proud.  That He is looking down on me and smiling.  i hope so.  i hope He is proud. 

i actually removed His spot on the bed.  His pillows had been where they have been for almost 7 years.  It was hard, admitting that He won't ever be sleeping here again.  i still wait for Him to come online and chat while He is at work.  i still wait for Him to walk in the door on Tuesdays to go bowling.  Moving the pillows was difficult, but i lived. 

i do keep asking myself if i am grieving too much.  i mean we had been going through some bad times before things began to "work" again.  i wasn't that thrilled with Him for quite a while.  We had our problems.  Maybe i should be over this feeling of dread and guilt and sadness. 

i talked to Pam today about the cravings.  The desire to have that dynamic and the pain back in my life.  How i wonder if He would be mad or disappointed in the fact that i want to give that part of me over to anyone else.  She had me play the "what would you say if i was you, and you were Ethan?" game.  i do know what Mike would say.  He would say that being a submissive is who i am, and to keep that locked up would mean i was not being true to myself.  He would tell me to not feel guilty.  He would tell me to be who i am.  So why is even the idea of letting it be someone else's voice so scary for me? 

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How long should i wait?

How long is it appropriate for one to wait after the loss of their partner to start craving again?  Is almost 4 months enough time?  Am i being disloyal to Mike and His memory for wanting and craving?

i am home alone tonight, and all my thoughts are geared to wanting and needing.  i want to feel pain.  i want to be able to serve someone.  i want to be able to follow orders.  i want to be able to please someone even if i don't get anything out of it, because seeing that someone is pleased, does give me pleasure.   i want to hear someone's voice in my ear to say i can come.  i haven't been able to do that to myself since His death.  His voice hasn't been there.  i wasn't allowed without His permission if i was doing it myself.  i can't seem to get there and give myself that permission.  i still ask, either out loud or in my head and wait for His answer.  It never comes.  So neither do i.

i am not saying i haven't played since His death.  i did, and it went ok.  i got to orgasm.  i got to feel pain.  There was also a voice there, one that He seemed to have left for me to be with, able to give me permission.  i have pulled away from that person, that voice.  She was what i needed at the time.  She was like a connection to Him.  i don't feel that way about Her anymore.  i don't even like the idea of it being Her voice anymore.  She was ok for me when i needed that "connection" to Him, but that was all She was.  Just a connection.  i guess i used Her for that.

Tonight i keep thinking that i am being disloyal, being selfish, being cold for wanting and needing even an orgasm.  The idea of someone inflicting pain on me feels like a desire to escape.  But it is still there.  i just don't want it to be because i am trying to escape or trying to forget Him. 

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i don't really have a title this time

Well, i don't qualify for funding to take the reflexology course.  So now i get to ask my Mom for the money.  This aught to be fun.  NOT!  i am not looking forward to telling her.  i am not looking forward to hearing what she has to say, or her conditions, or anything from her.  i know that what comes out of her mouth isn't meant to hurt me, but it does.  i know i should be thankful that i can even ask her.  i know i should be thankful for all the help she gives me.  It is just that it feels like it costs too much. (Update : Mom called and said she will write out the cheque to the school and i can start on Friday!  Thanks Mom!!!)

In other news, i have been referred to a psychiatrist and will be having an appointment of assessment soon.  About time for that.  The depression isn't going away.  It isn't even really getting better.  i am just much better at timing my breakdowns.  The smallest thing (hearing i don't qualify) sets me into a panic.  Having to many happy thoughts even sets me into a downward spiral.  Having someone to talk to, about all the changes, about all the loss, even talking about how it feels to have the MIT, will be nice. 

Maybe this weekend will be good.

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Jump and Fall

So i went for the assessment.  The place should be called "useless appointment before going back to where you started".  Not only is it not their job to help with financial aide, but i had to go back to my OW worker to get the forms that are to go to the people that make the decision.  Plus, i must have the forms done, and make an appointment with my worker to hand them in.  The forms must be completed in 2 weeks.  The soonest my worker can see me is October.  October is longer than 2 weeks.  If the papers are not turned over to her in person by the 21st, nothing can be done, and i would have to start the process all over again.

So i thought i had a backup plan.  my Mom said i could use the money from my Nana to take the course, plus she would cover the difference.  Today she said that if there was a chance to get the funding to start the course in January, than i would just have to wait for January.  Oh, and i could take a night school course in cooking or crafts if i wanted in the mean time.

So i took the leap, and fell flat on my face.  Well, not completely.  i have a call into the college to see if they will take $500 and allow me to take the course until funding is provided.  If the college says yes, i will go to my Nana only.  But even before i can do that, i have to make sure it won't affect my ability to get the funding.  That would blow. 

So, lets see, what else blows.  i couldn't get babysitting for even my doctor's appointment, never mind the munch that was tonight.  The doctor did call when after i cancelled.  That was nice of her.  She even said that if i need a doctor's note to say i can take the course, or as a reference, she would be happy to provide it.  my Mom said it was stupid of me to book the appointment for the time it was supposed to be.  She still doesn't understand why that might make me feel like she called me stupid.  When i told her about the hoops i had to jump threw, and she actually said "I didn't think you would get the funding".

Anyways, i feel like crap.  i am not done yet.  i am jumping threw those hoops.  Tomorrow i go to the teacher of the course to fill in the one page of the package that has to be handed to my worker in the next 2 weeks.  i will make this happen, and i will get into the course on the day i want to start.

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A change for the better??

Tomorrow i go for an assessment on if i am eligible for financial help to take the reflexology course i am really wanting to take.  i have everything i need, i think.  i printed of a lot of information from the internet, i spoke with the person teaching the course and have that information, and i called the OCR for even more information.  i have it all gathered in my file thingy, ready to go.  i am just so nervous.

This is the first "jump" i have made since Mike died.  It feels like i huge jump.  Almost a leap of faith.  i am scared they will say yes to the financial aid.  i am scared they will say no.  i do have a backup plan if they say no.  my Mom will be giving me the money to take the course.  i just don't want to be that much more indebted to her.  Plus she will feel it gives her license to make sure i go. 

i am a little nervous about keeping myself motivated, but i know i really want this. Not only do i want the basic foot reflexology course, but i will also want to take the hand reflexology, and then my masters, so i can teach it. i just have to make sure to push myself, just like i have been doing with taking my meds, and trying to eat properly.  i haven't been perfect at it, but i have been doing it.

i want to do this.  i really want to do this.  So, no matter what, i will do this.

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The first time

i used to journal other places. i can't use those anymore. They aren't safe from eyes i don't want to see. So, i have decided to start this place. i am hoping it is a place where i can talk to myself about stuff, bounce around ideas, post my views on things, and basically just put myself out there so certain people don't worry anymore.

i may "pull over" certain posts that i have recently made from the hidden journal, but i am not yet sure. It may happen, it may not. We will just see.

Until then, this is my first post.

The first day of school

So the MIT went to school this morning. It is His first day of high school. He was so excited, so eager to go. It was nice not having to fight Him about getting dressed. It was beyond pleasant to not argue about what He would be wearing. Uniforms rock. It was a good, yet early, morning. It was nice.

But now i sit here, trying to figure out what to do. No one online to talk to. No one here to spend time with. Nothing to fill my days. i am a very boring person. Yes, i could clean the house. Yes i could do the dishes. Neither of those things make me an interesting person. They are just chores to take up my time. i want something to do. i want to be someone other than the MIT's mom. That is one reason i want so bad to take the reflexology course. i want something outside of myself to do. i want to be able to offer services while the MIT is at school. i want something to do while the MIT is not here.

So, until then, i think of what i am passionate about. i try to find something to do that costs nothing. i try to fill this time with something other than napping and eating and cleaning stuff that doesn't need more cleaning and playing online games. The first day of being alone, and i am already bored.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

i know i didn't write to You all weekend in my hand journal. i am really sorry. i couldn't do it. i had to keep my head in camp, away from You or i wouldn't have been able to actually preform.
i helped out everywhere. i did the driving for groceries. i did clean-up after dinner. i did registration. i survived Sherry being there, in the cabin with me, making Bryan moan and groan. i survived hearing the pity in people's voices as they spoke to me. i survived Patrick's annual temper tantrum. At times, i did more than survived. i stayed up late with the group most nights. i got drunk one night. i sang karaoke. i think You would be proud.

Peter was proud, and told me so yesterday. So was Laura, Darren, Scott, Erin, Robyn. Everyone was proud of me. Too bad i wasn't. i felt so out of it most of the time. i felt like i was trying to be someone i am not. i just knew i had to perform. i had to do everything. i had to not breakdown and become a blubbering idiot. But the whole time i kept thinking how wrong it all was. How it shouldn't be like it is. How it should have been You watching out for me, making sure i was ok. Making sure i didn't push myself too hard. i know i pushed myself. No one else knows just how much.

i haven't had a chance to crash yet. i won't even get that chance this weekend. i am wound up so tight right now, that even a phone call from mom set me on edge. TJ talking too much sets me on edge. i know i am behind on my meds, that is probubly part of the reason. i am catching up on them. i will have a breakdown later. Don't ask me when, but i will.

You should have been there this weekend. You should have been the one helping Peter and Helmut load and unload the truck. You should have been the one doing first aide. It should have been You that hugged me at night and not some stuffed animal. It should have been You to help Helmut with the meat. It should have been You to break-up Patrick and Darren. Instead, it was me. i don't like it being just me.

i want You back. i want You to come back. i need You to come back. TJ is on His way home. i will write in my book soon. i promise.

i love You Master.