dreading tomorrow

So tomorrow is the anniversary of Mike's death. i have a therapy appointment in the morning, but after that, i am left to my own to face the day. i have actually come up with a bit of a plan. Some of it came from my therapist's suggestion. Some of it has come from my old pagan rituals. Some has come from looking stuff up on the web. Basically, tomorrow, i am going to say good-bye to Mike in my own way.

i am going to let myself feel all the feelings i have pent up. i have created a ritual that signifies something very special to me. It is going to be a long ritual. It is my chance to say good-bye, and say thank you and say how angry i am, and say how much i wish He was actually here. It will involve burning things that represent who Mike was to me, and even who He was to some others. It will involve me writting Him a letter, of my feelings and burning. It will involve some alcohol, but not much. It will involve His favourite cookies, but not many. It will involve me saying goodbye, and keeping what is left as a way to remember Him, without to much clutter.

i am actually content with what i have chosen to do. i am content in the knowledge that i am doing this for the right reasons, and even know that after the ritual, i will still be grieving, and will still hurt, and will hopefully feel more free to experience those feelings.

Here are some pictures of how i have started to remember this day.

Falling further and further down the rabit hole

It is a really bad day. Really bad. i am so not wanting to face anything. i want to be drunk, or drugged, or anything so i can stop thinking. i don't want to be remembering. i don't want to be feeling this bad inside. i want to feel something else. Anything else. i want to be able to feel some joy. i need to feel something. Anything. God this grief is overwhelming. i just want the grief to go away for a while. i just want to feel anything else for a while.

Living in the past

That is how i feel as i am writing right now. i wake up each morning thinking it is last year. i sit at the computer waiting for Him to message me in the morning, sure i will hear from Him today. See today would be Monday. Today would be Him going to work, messaging me once He got there, and talking to Him once i get the MIT off to school. Tonight it would be me at His place. We would be spending quiet time together. Just us. Talking, relaxing, some play mixed in. It shouldn't have been the last time.

Yesterday, the last time i woke up, Him lying beside me, and me sneaking out to get Him a coffee from Tim Horton's. It was the last Sunday we spent relaxing together in the morning, feeling like we had the whole day to ourselves. It was the last birthday party i had for Him. It was the last time i would get to surprise Him in a way that made Him happy. It was the last time we played together. i mean REALLY played together. It was the last time He had me on a spanking bench. It was the last time He used most of His toys on me. It was the last time i wore His collar and cuffs. Yesterday was the last time a group of us were to be together thinking happy things. Yesterday was the last time i got to say "happy birthday Master". It shouldn't have been the last time.

Tomorrow will be the last time i slept with Him. It would be the last time i see Him sitting at my computer. It will be the last time He wrote in His journal. It will be the last time He was feeling like He would make it to being 50 years old. It will be the last time, walking to the bedroom together. It will be the last time He asked to see my ass, and admire any marks He left there. It will be the last time feeling His body next to me as i fall asleep, feeling His breath on the back of my neck, feeling His lips on the sweet spot on my neck. It will be the last time i will have sex with Him. It will be the last time i hear Him call me His slut, His property, His to do with as He pleases. It will be the last time i feel Him over me, hear His breathing change, feel the sweat falling onto my back, feel His fingers on my nipple. It will be the last time we are together, in what is now my bed. It shouldn't have been the last time.

Thursday will be the last time He woke me before going to work. It will be the last time waking up to His message to me and talking to me each morning. It will be the last time i get to talk to Him online. It will be the last time of seeing His face, either in person, or on the computer. It is the last time i get to hear Him say He loves me, promise He loves me, telling me how important i am to Him. Thursday will be the last time of having Him in my life. Thursday will be the last time He will say "talk to you later baby". It shouldn't have been the last time.

Thursday will be the day i am at my friend's place, enjoying my self before my cell phone rings. Thursday will be the day i am told He has died. It will be the day i could not do what i had promised Him in regards to what i was to do if He died. It will be the day i can't go into His apartment and erase His computer, or take the toys out of His apartment, or even get to see Him dead. Thursday will be the day i feel myself break. Thursday will be the day i loose a part of who i am, and still haven't found it. Thursday will be the day that has changed my life so much.

i wake up feeling like it is a year ago. i feel like i am back in that week, living the story, unable to change what happens next, unable to stop turning the page, and knowing what the ending is like. i don't know how, feeling so lost, to find a way out of the story.

Tears and more Tears

i figured out today, that i find being with my therapist a safe thing. It was so safe, i didn't want to leave when the session was done. i was even the one that kept an eye on the clock. i just didn't feel like leaving a place where i was safe to cry, or yell, or bitch, or feel whatever i was feeling. i can even take my baby bear with me, and she doesn't think i am strange. It is almost as safe as home. i think that says a lot for Sandy. Yes she pushes me, and yes she can bug me to see things i don't want to see, but she still makes me feel safe there. Heck, i even took in my own box of Kleenex, because the kind that are there suck. i also took her photos of Mike to show her who i keep talking about. i have even booked an extra appointment for this coming week. She even said i could call and leave messages on her voicemail if it helped.

Yes i am grieving. Grieving hard. There was a point there today where i wanted to block it out. i started pulling my own hair, and told myself no. i need this. i need to let out, after holding it all in. i am learning how to do that again. i just happen to be doing it over a really big loss. i have a right to grieve. So i am grieving. i am still taking all my meds. i am still getting up in the morning with the MIT, and making sure He goes off to school. i am still eating 3 times a day (most days). i am still living, just allowing myself those long moments when i need to cry and talk and cry some more.

i even put His picture up in my room. One that was given to me at the memorial service P&E set up. i finally put it up. It is in my room, on His side of the bed. i can just turn my head and look at it. i re-scented His pillow. i have been missing His smell. Hell, i have been missing Him. i just really miss Him

One year ago today, we were at the MIT's award ceremony for the "yes i can" awards. i remember that. i remember the photos taken of us all. i remember what the plan was for tomorrow. i remember everything we did on this day. The time we spent together. i even have the picture He kept from that night. Some people have told me just to concentrate on just the happy memories. The problem is, those are the ones that hurt the most right now. Those are the ones that bring on the most tears

Balance

i am grieving. It is like the first time i have been able to. Last year, i would put other's feelings ahead of mine. i was worried about offending B. i was worried about crying in front of people. i was worried about crying in front of the MIT. i was mixed-up in drama that pushed the grief away. i didn't allow myself the time. i just didn't allow myself.

This time, i don't have to worry about anyone else. i can grieve just for the sake of grieving. i am letting myself remember, and cry, and feel the pain and the hurt. i am wrapping myself in His sent, clothes, and even His slippers. If i feel like just lying in my bed crying, i am doing just that. If i feel like crying in the shower, that is what i am doing. If i feel the need to just curl up and talk to Him, then i talk and talk and talk.

i am getting to the point where i feel like i am wallowing. Part of me wants to wallow. i feel like i should be allowed to wallow and that i need to, just for a while. i never had the chance last year. i didn't feel like i had the right to wallow. Others had more of a right to grieve than me. i put my feelings of grief to one side because i didn't feel like i deserved it. Too much was going on. This year, i have the time and the desire. i deserve to grieve. i need to grieve. i am grieving. i just don't know where the balance is.

i am going to talk to Sandy about it tomorrow. i know she is going to answer back about why i feel i have to justify why i feel the need to cut myself off from the grief. i can already hear her in my head. (See, i do pay attention in therapy) i am also going to take her up on the offer to see her more times this coming week. It is going to be a tough week. Too many memories. Too many dreams crushed. i am needing a safe place to let it all out, and therapy is becoming just that.

Heck, i still have homework to do for tomorrow's appointment. i have to look up what causes waves in the ocean. i also have to write up a piece about how it feels when i am feeling the pain of the grief. It has to be a "mindful" piece. i will be doing that today. i am also going to be making myself leave the house and get some groceries that are needed.

Ok, am starting to babble. Time to get the MIT off to school, and then to work on MY homework.

Therapy and accepting

When Sandy called me into my session yesterday, she asked me how i was. i said "i am curled up in the fetal position surrounded by a ball of grief." That was the best way i could describe how i have been feeling. Swallowed up in a bubble of memories (good and bad) without knowing how to get out, and really, without the need to get out. i spent the entire hour crying. Almost getting angry at times with having to feel that way. But i didn't try to stop it. i just kept letting it out. Feeling all the sadness, all the loneliness, all the pain. Hating every moment of feeling that way.

It was good, in a way. It is what Sandy and i have been talking about so much. About letting myself just feel. Feel the sadness. Feel the pain. Just feel and let the feelings come, and feel them. No fighting them. No trying to hide myself by cleaning and doing anything but feeling. Just letting my self grieve and feel and (in my head) get it over with. OK, the getting it over with isn't the best attitude, but it is the one i am talking myself through so i can actually feel like there is joy somewhere after all this grief.

So that is what i am going to be doing. i am going to be just feeling. If i feel sad, i will let the tears come, and feel sad. If i feel pain, i will let the tears, or anger or what ever else happens, just come and feel pain. No trying to hide behind a book. No trying to push the emotions back. Just the knowledge that this month is going to be a hard month, full of memories that make me feel, and let those feelings come out.

So, for now, i sit and wrap myself in His robe. Using it as a way to feel His arms around me. Using it as a way to surround my with memories of Him and i together. i even slept with it on. i woke up with my eyes glued together from all the crying i did, either in my sleep or when i was heading into sleep. At least i am feeling right now. God i hate feeling, but i am not going to fight it.

Tonight/today i am spending with L & D. i know if i have a breakdown of emotion, they won't hold it against me. i know that i will be in a safe place, surrounded by them both. i just hope i don't ruin their time.

Almost a year

It is almost a year since Mike died. i keep seeing the calender and there it is, the day He died. i keep remembering what we did on this day last year. i keep remembering He isn't here. i cried myself to sleep last night, thinking of what was last year. Thinking about what it is we did on the 11th, thinking about not going to the Hamilton munch last year because our relationship was still too new again. Remembering how i didn't tell anyone we were back together. Missing His body next to mine. Missing His hugs.

i don't want to experience this month. i want to crawl into a hole and hide. i thought about going to sleep and not waking up last night. i thought about how good it would be to not cry anymore. Why, even now do i still want to think it is all a nightmare. Why do i still go to sleep waiting to wake up and it not to have happened. i have tried to get on with life, but now, every time i walk by the calender, all i think is how i hate this month. How i want to go back in time, and do everything differently. How i want to scream from the roof-top that we were together (everyone knew, even P and E, L and D, and anyone that saw us together at the craft fair last year). i would stay online with Him longer, so that i could have called the ambulance as soon as it happened.

i don't know how i am going to survive this month. i am not even sure i want to. i just want to wake up from this nightmare. Please.

Pain Free

i don't know what they gave me at the hospital, but i woke up today pain free. No more pain in my head. God that was the worst pain i have ever had. 6 days of my head feeling like there was a claw in my brain and squeezing. i didn't think it was a migraine. i wasn't light sesative or noise sensative. It didn't feel like my regular migraines. Plus the fact that the pain originated in my calf on the 17th. None of it made sense. My doctor was at a loss, so she sent me to the hospital. They did a CT Scan and gave me migraine medication, and it worked. No pain. No need for a pain killer today. God i feel normal again.

i also happened to be dehydrated. The plain fluid they gave me didn't make me go pee until this morning, and it wasn't all that much that came out. So it is less pop and more water for me.

During all this pain, i was doing some things i should. i ate 3 times a day and i took all my meds when i should. my blood sugars are pretty normal. That is a nice feeling again. Also, i haven't been eating after 8, since i have been to bed about that time each night.

Today i am going to get back to normal. Tonight i am going back to water fit. Today i am getting the house back in order. After water fit, i am going to get groceries. i am seriously low on bread and other important stuff. Damn i wish it was warmer. Today would be the first day i could have actually have enjoyed the sunshine. Well, at least i have learned to enjoy my candles. i can't stop enjoying their glow.

Off to do dishes and vacuum. i am so glad to be back to my "normal" self

Pain returns

The pain has moved again. It is in my head and neck. It is so bad, i went to the hospital yesterday. The doctor there decided it was muscular. Great. i am now on pain killers and muscle relaxers. The doctor did set up a type of ultrasound for me to have today. It is to see if i have any clots in my legs and groin. i go back to my doctor tomorrow.

i am at the mercy of my Mom, Dad, and Sister, because i can't drive on all the meds, and because the pain is so bad. i definitely can't drive. i have a hard enough time just moving around the house. Then there is thinking. i can hardly think with all the pain in my head.

All i keep thinking about is how to get past the pain and actually get on with my life. i don't want to let this pain control me. i don't like sleeping most of the time, and not being able to move, and not being able to fee like i can do anything.

God i am complaining so much. Time to go and lie down until my Mom comes to get me for the ultra sound.

Boring day

i am starting to see a pattern on my To Do lists. The last few tasks seem to go by the wayside. Oh well. i will figure it out. Beyond that, i was very good yesterday. Ate all my meals, and took all my meds. Go me.

Today is all about the MIT. i get to take Him to His therapist. i get to fill out forms about Him. The forms should take a whole lot of time. That i am not looking forward to. Filling out forms means i have to concentrate on all the "bad" things about the MIT. i don't get to brag about all the good stuff. Oh well, it has to be done.

This evening i am going to go to water fit again. i was ok with it yesterday. my arm was hard to move around. i couldn't really work my shoulder or upper arm. At least my leg didn't hurt. That is a bonus.

Ok, time to eat breakfast, and get the MIT ready for the hospital.

April 23

1. put used books into van
2. Go to water fit
3. go to used book store
4. go to Fortinos
5. come home
6. have lunch
7. clean out flower boxes
8. remove flower box closest to door

To be updated frequently

One day at a time

That is how i am feeling about this week, and getting back into the swing of things. i am taking it one day at a time.

Yesterday went well. i got all but 2 things on my list of "To Do" done. i ate all 3 meals, and had a snack. i took all my meds, on time. i did really good. Having a shower felt amazing. i should remember that.

Today is all about getting back into my routine. my swim suit is ready to go. i have a towel ready to go. i am actually looking forward to going back to waterfit. After swimming, i will be going to the used book store to take in some books, and to get some new ones. i really enjoy sitting out back and reading. i spent over an hour out there, doing just that yesterday. Other than that, today is all about eating right, and taking my meds when i should. Oh yeah, and figuring out what to make for dinner is also right up there.

So this is me, back on track.

April 22nd

1. Bring up chair for out front
2. take cooler and ladder downstairs
3. take lamp and christmas tote downstairs
4. shower and dress
5. go to Walmart
6. go to Chapters
7. go to Fortinos
8. come home
9. clean patio table and chairs
10. empty patio flower boxes
11. remove one patio flower box

To be updated frequently throughout the day

Living with It

So, the pain is still in-behind my shoulder blade. It doesn't look like it is leaving any time soon. So i have made a decision. i am going back to normal. i am going to try to reach my goals. i am going back to waterfit. i am going back to my life, and pretend the pain isn't there. i am doing all of this because i don't like how i feel right now. i feel fat, and lazy. i fell like a blob. i need to get moving again, and just deal. Last week was too much laying around and doing nothing. This week will be different. i will be going back to my life.

Part of the reason for this change in attitude, is i tried on some of my summer clothes from last year. Yeah, not a pretty sight. The other reason, was that i did sweep off my patio yesterday, and liked doing something physical again. i need to get back in control of moving around. i need, and want, to do more moving. i need, and want. to follow the goals i set for myself each week. i need, and want, to feel somewhat normal again.

This morning i woke up to the sound of a woodpecker. It is back. i have missed it. Years ago, when i first moved in here, there was a nice woodpecker that lived in a tree near my unit. The sound of it looking for food was so loud. The constant "tap-tap-tap" would drive me nuts, or bring me to a smile. From the sounds of this new woodpecker, it is in a tree fairly close, but not close enough to drive me insane. i love this time of year, when the trees all come back to life. When the birds are happy and chirping away. When i can open my blinds and have sun shine into my living room and warm me. When the nights have a slight chill. i love this time of year. Today will be spent doing more on the patio. No dressing it up with flowers yet. It isn't warm enough just yet. Instead i will be cleaning out the flower boxes of last year, and thinking about what to put in them this year. i also will be thinking about what changes i want to make this year. What i want to add, and what i want to take away.

So that is where i am. i am living with the sound of the woodpecker. i am living with the pain and working around it. i am living and moving and fulfilling my responsibilities.

Pain and Progress

This week has been hard. No goals met. Too much pain to really do anything with. One thing that did come out of the pain, is i could not "control" my feelings as easily. i had bursts of crying and bursts of anger. Memories came flooding back. A lot of crying before falling asleep. i want this past week back.

Today i am feeling better. i guess. The pain behind my shoulder is still there. i loose sensation in my arm easily if i move the wrong way. i am not so scared by the pain anymore. i am not so worried about it being something scary. The doctor did great with the right combination of meds to control it. i just get so sleepy on it.

The MIT has been great with me. He has been taking care of me. He has been following the rules as best as possible. Bad news is that He is getting more and more incontinent. He has come home from school, in His change of clothes 3 times in the last 7 days. Last night He lost His temper and beat Himself. He was punching His leg, and then lost total control and started biting Himself. He hasn't done that in a long time. It feels like He is going backwards so much lately. Then again, it could just be me seeing things i usually wouldn't notice. It could very well be that i am so fixated on the idea of Him going backwards, that i am making more of what is going on with Him than i need to.

Pain update

Suffice it to say, it has been a weird week. i have been to the doctor's 2 times, have had x-rays, and can now actually feel the pain in my hamstring again. What that means, is the mysterious moving pain no longer overpowers the other pain. i still hurt. It is now in my back (kind of behind my left shoulder blade). The doctor has no clue what it is. At least today i feel like i can function mentally. The doctor said to call her of any changes (including if the pain leaves). i have crap on my lungs and need to take more deep breaths.

Other than all that, i am great. LOL.

NOT a good day

Yes i know it is only 6:25 in the morning, but it is already not a good day. It all started Saturday night, with a sever pain in my calf. OK, i thought it was a cramp. Or a cramp waiting to happen. i rubbed it so much, i have removed some of the skin from my calf. Then it travelled. i don't know when it happened, but it moved into my thigh. The front of my thigh. It really really hurt. It wasn't the pain from the pulled hamstring. That is in the back of my thigh. This was in the front and it was making it hard to walk. Then it moved again. The pain slowly crawled up my thigh to my hip. What i mean by crawled, is it left where it was, and the pain focus actually moved. It still hurts this morning. It is so bad, that no pain killer i have in the house will touch it. The pain is so bad. On top of that, my leg keeps tingling. i can't find a comfortable position. i was kept up most of the night by this. It freakin' hurts.

i have to call the doctor. This pain sucks. At least it hasn't moved again. i have to change all my plans for the day, just to see the doctor. Heck, that will also mean driving, and i don't know if i can with this pain. Damn it. i hate this kind of pain.

Can't settle yet

So, another post in only a few minutes. This is more of an update post than anything else.

i got my chair today. It isn't the "perfect" chair that i wanted, but it is close. It was also on sale from Home Outfitters. That alone made it worth it. Maybe one day i will be able to afford the "perfect" chair, but until then, this chair will work.

The Perfect Chair

My chair

So, now i am feeling more confident about doing reflexology on other people. i know i can just take my chair and have my clients be in the right position for their treatments. i know i can have them in the right position, and not hurt my back while i am doing the treatment. i know all this will help make it easier on my hands and arms to make it easier to do a complete treatment without worrying about pain.

This has definitely motivated me. i am going to start making calls tomorrow.

Going Backwards

That is the name of one of my new labels. It is all about the MIT. i am seeing things that are showing me how His body is changing against Him. i need to document it. i am going to do it here.

The newest backwards, is He is loosing His pincher grasp. It is one of the main development milestones that children go through. It is when they change from grasping things with their full hand, curling around the object into a fist, to being able to pick up things between their finger and thumb.

The first time i noticed it was a week ago. i thought it was a fluke. He had a couple of really bad days, and i thought this was all leftover from that. i can't ignore it as just because of an episode.

Today He physically was fine. He had full control of all His muscles. His body wasn't fighting against Him. Yet, He couldn't pickup a grape between His finger and thumb. He couldn't pick up a piece of paper between His finger and thumb. He was doing the full hand thing. He is loosing this milestone.

i don't know what it means, beyond that. i can't think of it meaning anything other than that. To think that way will change the way i act with Him. i know, because i did it before, when He was much younger. i let Him get away with things, i wouldn't normally have with a "normal" child His age. i don't want to start doing that again. i also don't want to set up situations where He will get frustrated. That isn't fair to Him. Instead i will sit back, and just watch, and enjoy Him. If i see something else happening, i will document it. Other than that, there isn't much more i can do.

Goals for April 14-20

i haven't set goals for this week. i guess today is a good day to do that. First a review of last week's goals.

1. Have 5 showers this week (Did ok with this. Didn't do 5 times, but did do 4)
2. Get dressed 5 times this week (Did great with this, mainly thanks to going to waterfit, and other stuff)
3. Go out at least 5 times this week (Again, did great with this)
4. Eat as i should, and when i should, each day (Lunch is still a problem for me, and so is eating after 8:00. This is something i really want to work on)
5. Take my meds when i should and as i should each day (Lunch meds are still a problem for me. This is something i need to work on)
6. Go to aquafit at least 3 times this week (Done!!!!!!!!!)
7. Book 4 reflexology sessions for next week (didn't book any sessions for this coming week. Still have my regular one with E, and am hoping to figure out time for D and now G)
8. Go to all my and the MIT's appointments for the week (went to all, except my doctor's appointment, but that was because she cancelled)

Basically my goals are the same for this week. i really need to get them down as habits before i can add to them, or alter them. i am really proud of going to waterfit 3 times this week. i am hoping to do more the next coming week. The exercise really does help me feel better, and more in control. i also enjoy spending time in the water.

OK, goals for this week.

1. Have 5 showers this week
2. Get dressed 5 times this week
3. Go out at least 5 times this week
   Eat as i should, and when i should, each day
4. Take my meds when i should and as i should each day
   Go to aquafit at least 3 times this week
5. Book 4 reflexology sessions for next week
6. Go to all my appointments for the week

Well, i guess that is it. Here is to meeting my goals.