Almost a year

It is almost a year since Mike died. i keep seeing the calender and there it is, the day He died. i keep remembering what we did on this day last year. i keep remembering He isn't here. i cried myself to sleep last night, thinking of what was last year. Thinking about what it is we did on the 11th, thinking about not going to the Hamilton munch last year because our relationship was still too new again. Remembering how i didn't tell anyone we were back together. Missing His body next to mine. Missing His hugs.

i don't want to experience this month. i want to crawl into a hole and hide. i thought about going to sleep and not waking up last night. i thought about how good it would be to not cry anymore. Why, even now do i still want to think it is all a nightmare. Why do i still go to sleep waiting to wake up and it not to have happened. i have tried to get on with life, but now, every time i walk by the calender, all i think is how i hate this month. How i want to go back in time, and do everything differently. How i want to scream from the roof-top that we were together (everyone knew, even P and E, L and D, and anyone that saw us together at the craft fair last year). i would stay online with Him longer, so that i could have called the ambulance as soon as it happened.

i don't know how i am going to survive this month. i am not even sure i want to. i just want to wake up from this nightmare. Please.