Tears and more Tears

i figured out today, that i find being with my therapist a safe thing. It was so safe, i didn't want to leave when the session was done. i was even the one that kept an eye on the clock. i just didn't feel like leaving a place where i was safe to cry, or yell, or bitch, or feel whatever i was feeling. i can even take my baby bear with me, and she doesn't think i am strange. It is almost as safe as home. i think that says a lot for Sandy. Yes she pushes me, and yes she can bug me to see things i don't want to see, but she still makes me feel safe there. Heck, i even took in my own box of Kleenex, because the kind that are there suck. i also took her photos of Mike to show her who i keep talking about. i have even booked an extra appointment for this coming week. She even said i could call and leave messages on her voicemail if it helped.

Yes i am grieving. Grieving hard. There was a point there today where i wanted to block it out. i started pulling my own hair, and told myself no. i need this. i need to let out, after holding it all in. i am learning how to do that again. i just happen to be doing it over a really big loss. i have a right to grieve. So i am grieving. i am still taking all my meds. i am still getting up in the morning with the MIT, and making sure He goes off to school. i am still eating 3 times a day (most days). i am still living, just allowing myself those long moments when i need to cry and talk and cry some more.

i even put His picture up in my room. One that was given to me at the memorial service P&E set up. i finally put it up. It is in my room, on His side of the bed. i can just turn my head and look at it. i re-scented His pillow. i have been missing His smell. Hell, i have been missing Him. i just really miss Him

One year ago today, we were at the MIT's award ceremony for the "yes i can" awards. i remember that. i remember the photos taken of us all. i remember what the plan was for tomorrow. i remember everything we did on this day. The time we spent together. i even have the picture He kept from that night. Some people have told me just to concentrate on just the happy memories. The problem is, those are the ones that hurt the most right now. Those are the ones that bring on the most tears