Balance

i am grieving. It is like the first time i have been able to. Last year, i would put other's feelings ahead of mine. i was worried about offending B. i was worried about crying in front of people. i was worried about crying in front of the MIT. i was mixed-up in drama that pushed the grief away. i didn't allow myself the time. i just didn't allow myself.

This time, i don't have to worry about anyone else. i can grieve just for the sake of grieving. i am letting myself remember, and cry, and feel the pain and the hurt. i am wrapping myself in His sent, clothes, and even His slippers. If i feel like just lying in my bed crying, i am doing just that. If i feel like crying in the shower, that is what i am doing. If i feel the need to just curl up and talk to Him, then i talk and talk and talk.

i am getting to the point where i feel like i am wallowing. Part of me wants to wallow. i feel like i should be allowed to wallow and that i need to, just for a while. i never had the chance last year. i didn't feel like i had the right to wallow. Others had more of a right to grieve than me. i put my feelings of grief to one side because i didn't feel like i deserved it. Too much was going on. This year, i have the time and the desire. i deserve to grieve. i need to grieve. i am grieving. i just don't know where the balance is.

i am going to talk to Sandy about it tomorrow. i know she is going to answer back about why i feel i have to justify why i feel the need to cut myself off from the grief. i can already hear her in my head. (See, i do pay attention in therapy) i am also going to take her up on the offer to see her more times this coming week. It is going to be a tough week. Too many memories. Too many dreams crushed. i am needing a safe place to let it all out, and therapy is becoming just that.

Heck, i still have homework to do for tomorrow's appointment. i have to look up what causes waves in the ocean. i also have to write up a piece about how it feels when i am feeling the pain of the grief. It has to be a "mindful" piece. i will be doing that today. i am also going to be making myself leave the house and get some groceries that are needed.

Ok, am starting to babble. Time to get the MIT off to school, and then to work on MY homework.