Wednesday i was woken up by screaming and yelling. There was a fire in our complex. It wasn't my row, and it wasn't my house, but still. Flames were shooting out the top floor window. Glass was shattering and blowing out due to the heat. The flames spread up the room, and started on the unit next to it. Everyone got out safely. That is the good news. How it started is a mystery still. One likely reason is the wiring of the unit. The other is that a faulty alarm clock caused the electrical fire. The smoke detectors (which are hard wired) didn't go off.
The news that relates to me, is that my anxiety level has increased to the point of almost paranoia. i have been unplugging everything except when i am using it. i am scared about my house burning up when i am not here. i am scared of going to sleep without someone else here (my sister slept over last night). i even put a call in to Sandy (my therapist) because i am sure i am going crazy. i must be nuts. It isn't logical that i should be scared about my house catching on fire. It isn't like it happened to my row of houses. It isn't like it really affected me.
Sandy made me feel a bit better. She said that if it is electrical, and the way the houses were built, i have a justified fear. It doesn't feel justified. What my Mom has said makes it feel unjustified. What the nurse said makes it feel unjustified. But Sandy says it is. She says that i need to do something to make myself feel better. Have an electrician come in and check my wiring. Continue with helping with the fundraiser those in the survey are trying to put together to help the family that was burned out of their house (they didn't have insurance). She pointed out that i took control of my fear enough to be a comfort to the little girl, who sat and watched as the firefighters worked on her house (i gave her a new blankie and the big ugly frog Mike had given too me). i thought of some stuff that Mike would have thought of, like making sure those that were hysterical had caffeine and sugar to drink, and that they would sit down.
Great, that is all great, but i am still scared of leaving things plugged in. i am still scared to fall asleep. i am still scared to leave the house. i want to take all my pictures down and put them in a box and hide them someplace safe. Get them out of the house in case it burns down. Everything. i want everything and everyone safe. i really don't feel safe. i feel like i am on edge. i feel like i have no control. i feel like i am going crazy.
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