Just Breath

i am feeling it already. The panic is setting in. What if the "ritual" i want to do is rained out? i have placed so much importance on this ritual as a way for me to say goodbye to Him. Even as i type this, my breathing is quick and shallow. i am not looking forward to facing the day.

The MIT asked to stay home today. Part of me wants that. i want Him to be close to me all day, so i know nothing will happen to Him today. i like that He asked me so nicely, and that He is actually worried about me today. He hasn't shown that kind of consideration or maturity about Mike's death, ever. Even His "i don't care" doesn't hold as much fire anymore. To let at least the MIT in, since He also hasn't had a chance to grieve. i want to keep Him, my Sis, even my parents close to me today. i want them to be in reach. i want to make sure they are all safe. i want P&E here, L&D, S, my friends. i want them to all be around here, so we can all grieve together. So that i don't feel like i am going through this alone. Kind of have them all come in stages, while i am walking around feeling so shitty. Yet feeling safe in the place i have created to do my ritual.

Then the other part of me speaks up. i want to be left alone in my grief. i want to just be, and have no interruptions in what it is i do and feel. i want to "handle" it all myself. That side of me is screaming. Screaming loud and clear. i want to do it on my own. i want to hide in my room, or hid in the back yard, and grieve and grieve. Cry and cry. Feel and feel. Just be sad and down, and weepy the way i know how.

i didn't realize it at the time, but i have already started the ritual. i burned sage into ash, last night. i did it while walking all through the house. Sort of smudging the place while i was walking, making sure it wouldn't stop burning. The ashes are going to part of the ink i make for part of the rest of the ritual tonight. i get to mix it with a pink wine. Mike always like a rose (yes there should be a thingy on top of the e, but i don't know how to do that right now), so it seems quite a good idea. my Sis picked something to go in the fire tonight. Stickers of the #48 car from Nascar. Mike's favourite driver being Jimmy Johnson. i am glad she remembered. i would have forgotten and gotten all mad at myself for it. i have a whole bunch of other things. A paint stir stick (Mike loved it as a toy). A shirt the MIT painted for Him our first Christmas together. Gauze and medical tape for the first aide side of Mike. Rubbing alcohol for the fire play side of Mike (along with a picture of Him doing fire play). A Tim Horton's cup with DD on the lid. A pair of His socks (His feet were always cold, and i want to hold on to His slippers). The two pictures of the MIT He carried in His wallet. The picture of the MIT and i together at the "Yes I can" awards. Two pictures of Him in lingerie (one while i played with Him, and one where He dressed up for me). Sage, His favourite incense. A picture of Mike and i together. There is a lot more other stuff, but i can't remember what it all is right now. Right now i am back to crying again. i still have to sew up the sarong i am going to wear to do the ritual. i will sew it once i get back from therapy. i also want to pick-up some maple cookies for tonight. Mike loved those.

Maybe the best compromise for me today, is to allow people to come over as they need, while i take care of what it is i need to do today. That sounds like a good idea. Let people come over, and if they want, they can bring something to add to the fire. They can add what they feel represents Mike, and who He was to either them, or just in general. That way i don't have to interrupt my head space for the ritual and stay in my space for the ritual. i mean, that is the whole purpose for me today. To say goodbye to Mike in the way i need to. To do what i need to grieve and let go of some of the bottled up feelings i have.

Time to care for the MIT. i am letting Him stay home from school today. i think He needs to see me cry and grieve, so that He can learn to do the same thing. He is obviously wanting to understand, or he wouldn't have asked to stay home.