Nascar, letters, and crying

Last night i spent my quiet time watching Nascar, and writing another letter to Mike. i was having a bad night. i was missing Him to pieces, but not to feel Him with me, but to beat His chest and yell and scream at Him. i wanted to hear why He broke such a big promise to me. i wanted to hear why He didn't write His desires for after His death on paper, so i wasn't put in the position i was in a year ago. i wanted to beat on His chest and tell Him how much He hurt me again, after promising never to hurt me again. i cried a lot. i even smudged the writing. i just needed to get more of it out. i don't want the anger to overwhelm me as much as the guilt did. So i am letting it out as it comes along.

While writing the letter, i realized that i am not ready to even consider finding a partner yet. i am not ready to find someone to be with on a regular basis. That every man/woman i was to try to be with, would be compared to Him. Yes, i feel lonely sometimes, and i wish i had a partner who i could call my own, and i could count on them to pull on my hair, center me, and let me "let loose". That i could be a part of a couple again. i miss being part of a couple, or belonging to someone.

i have also learned a lot this year about myself. i am able to keep myself on track with taking my meds. i am able to manage my house. Sure, i have needed help with it at times when emotions overwhelmed me, but i have been really independent about stuff. i have been able to survive this past year. i have had my ups and downs, but i have survived.

Friends have helped a lot. They are the best friends i have ever had. They have never let me down and they have never guided me wrong. They have listened to me cry, and listened to me rant. They have directed me back to the real world. They have taken poison for me. They have acted as a wall for me. They have even put up with me moping and getting stagnant. They have played with me when i have needed it. They have put up with a lot. i am glad they are all my friends. i don't know what i would have done without them

Therapy has been a godsend (don't tell Sandy). i never thought i would feel safe in therapy. i thought i would have to hide the bdsm side of myself, but i don't, and Sandy doesn't think i am crazy because of it.

i have had a good year, overall. i have gotten in touch with my feelings. i have friends that are the best in the world. i have found a strength inside myself i didn't know i was there. i have watched my son grow and mature. i have had a really good year.

Who knew