A strange sense of peace

That is the only way to describe how i feel this morning. i actually feel at peace. i can't even remember the last time i felt this way. Yes there was a lot of crying last night. Crying i needed. Even some yelling i needed. Being able to do the ritual last night, made me feel much better. i know my grieving isn't over, but at least i got a lot of emotion out, and was able to come to peace in my own head about Mike's death, and about my missing Him so much.

He would have been both scared for me, and proud of me for the fire i built. Man it burned hot. Who knew that soaking some stuff in rubbing alcohol could be a great fire started. Who knew that all the stuff i put in would cause a fire hot enough to make me check my eyebrows every once in a while. It was a pretty fire, and it even smelled ok. i am sure the herbs i used helped with the smell. What i also found calming, is the ritual. The idea that i didn't forget a lot of stuff, that i did remember how to do it, that even just walking the circle, made me feel better. Ok, so did the full bottle of wine i drank, but hey, i deserved it.

Clean-up is this morning. i have wax that dripped off candles to clean-up. i have to sift the ashes, and place some in the bottles i found. i will be taking the rest to one of the places i know He had wanted His ashes spread. That will possibly create a shedding of tears again, but it is His birthday, and He should get what He wants for His birthday. The wax from the candles will be burried there also. Just like last year's.

i am finding this peace hard to comprehend, but am enjoying it while i feel it. Knowing i can, in my own way, do something for Him that He wanted, and knowing that i was able to say my peace last night, makes the calm feeling less of a mystery. Also, i deserve to feel some peace. It has been a long time coming. Enjoying it isn't a bad thing. It is more like letting myself feel what ever emotion i have, and embracing it. Just like i embraced all the emotions i felt last night.

Embracing emotion - good
Burying emotion - bad