Who knew that a cyst could take so much energy out of me? Who knew the antibiotic would make my stomach roll so much? Who knew that i would be looking forward to going to the doctor's tomorrow to have a whole put into my body (again) to get gunk taken out of me? i didn't know all this. Now i do.
i have accomplished some stuff, mainly because the MIT is still home, and doesn't return to school until tomorrow. His not going to school during the exam weeks is hard. We have gotten groceries, done running around, used up the last of His Christmas certificates. He has been really good at entertaining Himself. He has been really good at "mothering" me. He makes sure i take my meds on time, and that i lie down on the couch and not move to much. Well, He does until He is hungry. Then i am supposed to jump up and get moving. He is a good boy. i am glad He is my son.
i am actually looking forward to tomorrow. At least then the pressure will be gone, and i may actually be able to move around better.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Here is what happens when i can't sleep
A perfect gift
They come from you,
With little hands and feet.
A cry that says,
The battle, they beat.
Your heart drops hard
When you come to know,
They are not “perfect”.
They may not grow.
For years you fight
And fight in vain.
Perfection now has
A different name
They grow beyond
What others thought.
They gain beyond
Their “given” lot.
But still you watch,
You wait and see.
Your worry continues,
You don’t know when it will be.
The plans have been made.
The ceremony decided.
And still you wait.
And pray.
They come from you,
With little hands and feet.
A cry that says,
The battle, they beat.
Your heart drops hard
When you come to know,
They are not “perfect”.
They may not grow.
For years you fight
And fight in vain.
Perfection now has
A different name
They grow beyond
What others thought.
They gain beyond
Their “given” lot.
But still you watch,
You wait and see.
Your worry continues,
You don’t know when it will be.
The plans have been made.
The ceremony decided.
And still you wait.
And pray.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Reflecting the positive
At my therapy session yesterday, i realized i have done a lot of positive things lately. With my therapist, i used the words "grown-up". The reality is, i actually did things without putting them off longer. i did things in a timely manner, even when it wasn't comfortable for me to do.
1) i found out about gaining power of attorney for the MIT, and found out what i really need is guardian ship, and i don't need to do it until He is 18
2) i confronted friends about how i was feeling, and i was answered in return. Nothing has really be resolved yet, but that is coming.
3) my certificate came in the mail. i have celebrated it, and i will be doing "advertising" once i find out what will happen with OW, if i go into owning my own business
4) i have been taking my meds on my new schedule. It works much better with my sleeping habits and with my eating habits.
5) i am burning sage candles and sage incense again. Mike's favourite type of incense. The smell brings back many memories, and i am embracing them.
6) i handled an incident with the MIT. He hurt me again, and i didn't hurt Him back. i also didn't negotiate a reduction in His punishment, even if it was to get Him eating. i waited Him out, and He is eating again.
7) i told a friend how much i trust them. i told them i am comfortable with them, flirting with them, and don't feel guilty doing so, like i do with others.
8) i have given more of Mike's stuff away. Stuff i didn't need, and that didn't mean so much to me. It is feeling good.
Overall, i have had a pretty good couple of weeks. my weight hasn't changed. i am not trying to loose weight, but i am sure not looking to gain any either. my house is tidy. my plants aren't dying. i also have my room set up for quiet movie time tonight. The re-introduction of the med i had stopped, seems to be helping me not feel so down. i am not manic, but i seem....normal.
i am proud of how i have been lately.
1) i found out about gaining power of attorney for the MIT, and found out what i really need is guardian ship, and i don't need to do it until He is 18
2) i confronted friends about how i was feeling, and i was answered in return. Nothing has really be resolved yet, but that is coming.
3) my certificate came in the mail. i have celebrated it, and i will be doing "advertising" once i find out what will happen with OW, if i go into owning my own business
4) i have been taking my meds on my new schedule. It works much better with my sleeping habits and with my eating habits.
5) i am burning sage candles and sage incense again. Mike's favourite type of incense. The smell brings back many memories, and i am embracing them.
6) i handled an incident with the MIT. He hurt me again, and i didn't hurt Him back. i also didn't negotiate a reduction in His punishment, even if it was to get Him eating. i waited Him out, and He is eating again.
7) i told a friend how much i trust them. i told them i am comfortable with them, flirting with them, and don't feel guilty doing so, like i do with others.
8) i have given more of Mike's stuff away. Stuff i didn't need, and that didn't mean so much to me. It is feeling good.
Overall, i have had a pretty good couple of weeks. my weight hasn't changed. i am not trying to loose weight, but i am sure not looking to gain any either. my house is tidy. my plants aren't dying. i also have my room set up for quiet movie time tonight. The re-introduction of the med i had stopped, seems to be helping me not feel so down. i am not manic, but i seem....normal.
i am proud of how i have been lately.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
What to do?
He is not eating. He is not sick. He just refuses food. Yesterday and today. Doesn't want to eat. No chocolate, no drink, no tea, no breakfast, no dinner. He is just refusing food. i don't understand. He didn't pee all day yesterday. He has peed this morning. i am worried. Time to call the doctor again.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Pain, and not the good kind
What ever relaxation i had, left this evening. Tonight, i got beat-up by my Kid, the MIT. i have a cut on my nose. i have hair missing. i have bruising from His punching me. i got afraid, and ran from Him. i am hurting, both physically and emotionally. How did i raise this nice Kid, but still He finds it OK, on some level, to take His anger about what ever, on me?
i wonder if i will get a black eye from His clawing at my face. i wonder how the bruises on my shoulder and back will last. i wonder if i am a bad mom.
i wonder if i will get a black eye from His clawing at my face. i wonder how the bruises on my shoulder and back will last. i wonder if i am a bad mom.
The weekend
i am relaxed. i spent time away from the computer. Watching DVD's on a portable player, in bed, is fun. i feel re-energized again. No TV is good. No computer is good. Quietly reading to Didgeriedoo music is good. i must remember to keep doing this.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Stiff and sore and thinking
As i watch the snow slowly fall, all i can think about is the pain in my legs, back and shoulders, my stuffy nose, and my sore throat. The other thing i think about is why.
i am sad and angry for my friends. They are having to deal with something they shouldn't have to. But they are doing amazing through it all. They are both being strong. They have each other's backs. They hug each other and listen to each other, and they are going to make it threw. i just know it.
Through this, i can sort of see what it was like when B had to clean out Mike's place, after His death. i can see how picking and choosing what to keep can be so hard. i can see how her anger towards me played a part in it. i can see how "getting it right" might have played into her having to pick and choose so much. Yes i would have liked to have been included, but i also see now how having someone else there, talking about what they would have wanted, would have been so hard. Only now am i starting to go though some of the stuff Mike left here. She only had a day to do it all. And it was His birthday. At least i have a lifetime.
i guess what i am saying is, by watching my friends deal with this terrible time, i have begone to forgive B. i have a better understanding as to how she would have felt if i had been there. i do not forgive her for the way she treated me, or for the words exchanged, but i do understand better, how she would have felt that day.
i am sad and angry for my friends. They are having to deal with something they shouldn't have to. But they are doing amazing through it all. They are both being strong. They have each other's backs. They hug each other and listen to each other, and they are going to make it threw. i just know it.
Through this, i can sort of see what it was like when B had to clean out Mike's place, after His death. i can see how picking and choosing what to keep can be so hard. i can see how her anger towards me played a part in it. i can see how "getting it right" might have played into her having to pick and choose so much. Yes i would have liked to have been included, but i also see now how having someone else there, talking about what they would have wanted, would have been so hard. Only now am i starting to go though some of the stuff Mike left here. She only had a day to do it all. And it was His birthday. At least i have a lifetime.
i guess what i am saying is, by watching my friends deal with this terrible time, i have begone to forgive B. i have a better understanding as to how she would have felt if i had been there. i do not forgive her for the way she treated me, or for the words exchanged, but i do understand better, how she would have felt that day.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
A Weekend
Yesterday was a productive day. i went to Walmart for some groceries (and forgot to pickup more towels), went to Chapters and got the complete series of the Golden Compass, went to Starbucks for a treat, and went to Fortinos and got more groceries. Very productive.
Old bench 
New box
Then i "borrowed" the MIT's DVD player, and watched 300 in the comfort of my bedroom and bed. Now that was cool. i think i will do that more often. i actually am planning on doing that today, before the MIT gets home.
Today has also been productive. i cleaned out the top shelf of my closet. It looks full, but it actually is holding less. i also cleaned up the stuff that was under the "phone bench" that Mike had given to me. That bench is leaving today to a good home. Instead of the bench, i now own a really big box. i am going to use it to store all my reflexology towels, blankets and pillows. That way clients know they are dust free. i am worried it will become a dumping ground for all my stuff, as i enter my room, but i know all i have to do is clean it off when a client is scheduled.
i also did something i swore i would never due. i contacted S&B. Sure it was about getting some books back, but i had made a promise to myself to never bring them back into my life. They did deliver the books back yesterday afternoon. Seeing them again just solidified my opinion about them. i still feel like they used me right after Mike died. i still feel like i was a "toy" in their games with each other. i still can't believe that S was one of the people Mike felt could / would take care of me after His death. i much prefer the other people He left me with.
L&D were wonderful, and still are. They gave me a chance to grieve and to play and to let go of feeling like crying all the time. They made their home a safe harbour without memories of times spent there with Mike. i just don't understand why i haven't heard from them in such a long time. It feels like they are mad at me over something, but i have no idea what. There was no talk about getting together for Yule. There has yet to be talk about getting together now. i have left numerous messages on their voice mail, and have even emailed them via Face Book, but have yet to really hear anything. i just really wish i knew what i did to offend them so much.
P&E are and have always been a perfect match with me. We all get along. We understand each other. They were and are rocks in my grieving process. i feel so safe with them. i know that if i asked to be played with tomorrow, they wouldn't judge me for it. i know that if i need someplace to cry, their shoulders would be there. i also know that if they need help, they will get a hold of me. They will also tell me when i am being a shit. With them, i can be myself, or whatever self i need to be at the time. Care giver, lonely friend, messed up and grieving, child like, flirty, or even just a place to go to not be alone.
Then there is SH. i really need to spend more time with her getting to know her. i know she understands being left alone. She is divorced and knows what it is like to loose someone she has been with after what feels like forever. She knows and understands the difficulty in "getting back out there". She know and understands how it feels to be in the presence of couples and feeling left out.
OK, this is getting mushy. Time to watch a movie before the MIT gets home. OH, but first, pictures of the old bench, and of the new box.
Old bench New boxFriday, January 11, 2008
Therapy again
i have been pretending that everything is alright. That i was moving forward. That life doesn't suck as much as it does. That i was "getting over" Mike's death. Yeah well, today that all came crumbling down.
i sat there crying for 20 minutes about how much i still want to wake-up. That the whole point of taking the reflexology was to prove that i could have something that was just mine. That if i finished it, i would deserve to wake up and have earned the right to my life back. To His life back. To our life back.
How i still think it is my fault He died. That i must have done something really wrong to make Him go away. That He had promised to not leave me. That He broke that promise. That i still want to die. That i don't want this life that i have, without Him in it. That waking up to this reality sucks. That i just want this to all be a dream and to wake-up, in His arms, and get back to normal. i have survived 19 months without Him, and proved that i love Him, and i deserve for everything to go back to normal.
Hell, i never retaliated when B put me down, called me names, called my son names, threatened me, screamed at me. i never retaliated against A&L when they went behind my back, called me names, told people stories, turned people against me. Yes i yelled at L and yes i was angry, but i never retaliated with any of the things they did to me, including letting them come to the memorial that was held for those that knew Him here. i haven't gone to His grave. i know that would bother B.
i have been a good girl. i haven't gone out looking to replace Him. i can't even think about that. But still, He won't wake me up. Every morning i get to realize that He is still dead. It sucks. i hated admitting it today. i hate admitting it now.
i just want Our life together back. i want Him back. i need Him back. i feel so lost without Him.
i sat there crying for 20 minutes about how much i still want to wake-up. That the whole point of taking the reflexology was to prove that i could have something that was just mine. That if i finished it, i would deserve to wake up and have earned the right to my life back. To His life back. To our life back.
How i still think it is my fault He died. That i must have done something really wrong to make Him go away. That He had promised to not leave me. That He broke that promise. That i still want to die. That i don't want this life that i have, without Him in it. That waking up to this reality sucks. That i just want this to all be a dream and to wake-up, in His arms, and get back to normal. i have survived 19 months without Him, and proved that i love Him, and i deserve for everything to go back to normal.
Hell, i never retaliated when B put me down, called me names, called my son names, threatened me, screamed at me. i never retaliated against A&L when they went behind my back, called me names, told people stories, turned people against me. Yes i yelled at L and yes i was angry, but i never retaliated with any of the things they did to me, including letting them come to the memorial that was held for those that knew Him here. i haven't gone to His grave. i know that would bother B.
i have been a good girl. i haven't gone out looking to replace Him. i can't even think about that. But still, He won't wake me up. Every morning i get to realize that He is still dead. It sucks. i hated admitting it today. i hate admitting it now.
i just want Our life together back. i want Him back. i need Him back. i feel so lost without Him.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Living on a RollerCoaster
When the MIT is home, i enjoy being with Him and can concentrate on being His mom. When He is not home, i am wallowing, missing, not wanting to face the sun or the outside. This up and down sucks. He is not home yet, and i just want to crawl back into bed, wearing my cuffs and hide.
The cuffs make me feel better. Closer to who i used to be. Closer to who i am missing. i want to wear them all the time. i want to feel who i used to be more often. It isn't practicle. It isn't who i am right now. Right now i am just a lonely woman that feels lost. Right now i am a Mom. Right now i am boring with no life. Right now, i don't feel like i want a life. i enjoy being home. It is comfortable.
OK, the MIT is home now. Time to play Mom.
The cuffs make me feel better. Closer to who i used to be. Closer to who i am missing. i want to wear them all the time. i want to feel who i used to be more often. It isn't practicle. It isn't who i am right now. Right now i am just a lonely woman that feels lost. Right now i am a Mom. Right now i am boring with no life. Right now, i don't feel like i want a life. i enjoy being home. It is comfortable.
OK, the MIT is home now. Time to play Mom.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
The benefits of the Beast
There have been hidden benefits of owning the Beast. For those that don't know, the Beast is the new van.
1) i now take the MIT to karate when my Dad is in town. This means i get to see how well the MIT is doing at karate. This is something that i haven't been able to do in the past, because my Mom would normally take Him. She is not at all comfortable with the Beast, so i get to drive. So i get to see the MIT do kicks, punches, running and other stuff He doesn't do at home. This also means i can see what His body is no longer able to do. i don't think i will ever get used to that part.
2) i can now take the MIT anywhere, no matter how much of His body isn't working. Friday was an adventure. We went to do running around and used the wheelchair the entire time. No real back pain. No lifting Him in and out of the vehicle. Yeah it took us longer than usual, but it was really cool
3) The "i'm bigger than you so get used to it" attitude. Yes i swore i would not get into this attitude, but i can't help it. i am taller than almost everything on the road (buses are taller). i am longer than almost everything on the road. i am whiter than almost anything on the road and very hard to miss being seen. So yeah, i am getting the attitude, but at least i recognize it, so i am trying to change it.
So yeah, there are benefits to having the Beast. Yeah i still have to get over the negative thoughts about having it. A little step at a time
1) i now take the MIT to karate when my Dad is in town. This means i get to see how well the MIT is doing at karate. This is something that i haven't been able to do in the past, because my Mom would normally take Him. She is not at all comfortable with the Beast, so i get to drive. So i get to see the MIT do kicks, punches, running and other stuff He doesn't do at home. This also means i can see what His body is no longer able to do. i don't think i will ever get used to that part.
2) i can now take the MIT anywhere, no matter how much of His body isn't working. Friday was an adventure. We went to do running around and used the wheelchair the entire time. No real back pain. No lifting Him in and out of the vehicle. Yeah it took us longer than usual, but it was really cool
3) The "i'm bigger than you so get used to it" attitude. Yes i swore i would not get into this attitude, but i can't help it. i am taller than almost everything on the road (buses are taller). i am longer than almost everything on the road. i am whiter than almost anything on the road and very hard to miss being seen. So yeah, i am getting the attitude, but at least i recognize it, so i am trying to change it.
So yeah, there are benefits to having the Beast. Yeah i still have to get over the negative thoughts about having it. A little step at a time
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Dear Sir
i have been thinking about You alot. i am really missing You. Your touch and Your voice aren't here anymore and i really wish they were. i really wish You were. i am wearing the "dress" cuffs You had made for me. i need them to remember who i am. i am Yours. i will always be Yours. i can't even think about being anyone else's. It is just who i am. Yours.
You would be proud of me i think. i passed my reflexology. i have the wheelchair van now. i hope that You are proud of me. Heck, i survived another Christmas without You. i survived another New Years without You calling me. i even asked the doctor for help when things were getting really dark in my heart and head. i am taking care of Splotchy more. The Eeyore pillow You got me for my birthday has a hole in it. i am scared of using it and causing it more damaged. Hippo misses You too. He doesn't have anyone to bug anymore.
i still have lots of questions about how You died, and about why You died. i still get angry when i think about You dying and leaving me. i still feel like i must have pushed You so hard that You had to die. i still wish i could just wake up and You be here again. Tonight is one of those nights. The last few weeks have been like that. The nights are the worst. Knowing i won't hear from You in the morning, or that You aren't waking up in my bed.
i miss You
Your wendy/lyx
You would be proud of me i think. i passed my reflexology. i have the wheelchair van now. i hope that You are proud of me. Heck, i survived another Christmas without You. i survived another New Years without You calling me. i even asked the doctor for help when things were getting really dark in my heart and head. i am taking care of Splotchy more. The Eeyore pillow You got me for my birthday has a hole in it. i am scared of using it and causing it more damaged. Hippo misses You too. He doesn't have anyone to bug anymore.
i still have lots of questions about how You died, and about why You died. i still get angry when i think about You dying and leaving me. i still feel like i must have pushed You so hard that You had to die. i still wish i could just wake up and You be here again. Tonight is one of those nights. The last few weeks have been like that. The nights are the worst. Knowing i won't hear from You in the morning, or that You aren't waking up in my bed.
i miss You
Your wendy/lyx
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
New Year's Day Morning
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!
This is what i woke up to. Isn't it pretty. A snow day, but on a holiday. The snow isn't stopping any time soon. Today is a day to curl up with candles, warm soup, and the MIT. Sounds good.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Another year over
Last year i did not make any promises (what some people call resolutions) to myself. i decided that i wasn't ready to do that. This year, i feel i need to set some goals and promises to myself. This year i think i need it. So, saying that, here are the promises i have decided upon.
1) Forget about loosing weight, but concentrate on eating well, and eating 4 times a day. i will eat when my watch alarms, and i will eat the proper amounts of food, and the "right" types of food, so that my body can get used to having regular blood sugars.
2) Keep up on taking my medications on time. i find weekends the hardest, but i am going to work on this.
3) Earning the money to not only become a member of the OCR (Ontario College of Reflexology) but to also become registered with the Reflexology Registration Council of Ontario. This would mean i can work in Toronto and other places that require a reflexologist to be register. They also help with licencing and i get to put 3 more letters beside my name.
4) Earn enough money to by my dream reflexology chair.
5) Be more honest with my therapist, and work hard at getting better. This will include opening myself up more to her, and to myself. It will also mean having to look hard at the future, when there will eventually be no MIT in my life.
Those sound like pretty good goals to me. i also know what goals i wish for the MIT, but i can only point Him in those directions. It is up to Him to set His own goals. It is my job to see He has the skills to accomplish His goals.
1) Forget about loosing weight, but concentrate on eating well, and eating 4 times a day. i will eat when my watch alarms, and i will eat the proper amounts of food, and the "right" types of food, so that my body can get used to having regular blood sugars.
2) Keep up on taking my medications on time. i find weekends the hardest, but i am going to work on this.
3) Earning the money to not only become a member of the OCR (Ontario College of Reflexology) but to also become registered with the Reflexology Registration Council of Ontario. This would mean i can work in Toronto and other places that require a reflexologist to be register. They also help with licencing and i get to put 3 more letters beside my name.
4) Earn enough money to by my dream reflexology chair.
5) Be more honest with my therapist, and work hard at getting better. This will include opening myself up more to her, and to myself. It will also mean having to look hard at the future, when there will eventually be no MIT in my life.
Those sound like pretty good goals to me. i also know what goals i wish for the MIT, but i can only point Him in those directions. It is up to Him to set His own goals. It is my job to see He has the skills to accomplish His goals.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Success and completion
So i took my practical exam. It consisted of me doing the full procedure on my teacher. She looked through my charts, she watched me as i washed my hands before working on her feet, she listened while i did the foot examination, and she relaxed while i did the procedure. After all was said and done, she was able to give me my mark for that part of my certification.
99.4%
That mixed with the 89% on my written, and i will officially be certified in about 3 weeks when i hear back from the college.
I DID IT!!!!!!!
i took a course. i followed through. i completed it. Plus, i passed. With honours. i am so proud of myself.
99.4%
That mixed with the 89% on my written, and i will officially be certified in about 3 weeks when i hear back from the college.
I DID IT!!!!!!!
i took a course. i followed through. i completed it. Plus, i passed. With honours. i am so proud of myself.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
Yesterday was a good day. The MIT must have been good, since Santa br
ought Him lots of stuff He asked for. Santa was also good to me, and brought me some PJ's and an iSterio. The MIT surprised me with the Pirates of the Caribbean 3. i cooked the turkey and stuffing without any problems. Mom, Dad and Sis took the MIT to church, giving me time to prepare the turkey, then brought Him home for some quiet time together. After lunch, Mom, Dad, and Sis came over, and we opened more presents. The MIT and i surprised my Sis by giving her a gift from her teddy bear named Tddy. It included a picture of Tddy with Santa. It was all the MIT's idea, and it went 
over great. Later, my Nana and Aunt came over, and more gifts were exchanged. i have a feeling i will not see my MIT for about 3 months, as He will be holed up in His room watching DVD's. After my Nana and Aunt left, it was time for supper and playing with DVD's and cleaning up. my family is great. All i do is cook the turkey and stuffing, and my Mom brings over the rest of the food, cooks/heats it up, and then after everyone is done, she does the dishes. It was a good day. There were lots of pictures taken. Some of me even turned out really well. Mostly pictures of the MIT were 
taken, since He is the center of attention, which is only right. i don't have room to put up all the good ones, so here are just few.
i am still having problems with that. The change in meds hasn't seemed to help yet. It is still really hard for me to see the "good" in alot of thing, including the van. i am getting better with the Monster (van). i have yet to put His wheel chair in it, but i will be doing that tomorrow, especially if we go visiting and delivering presents. The ramp is cool, and so is the space in the back seat. It is just so hard to get in and out of. i definitely need to invest in a granny step
ought Him lots of stuff He asked for. Santa was also good to me, and brought me some PJ's and an iSterio. The MIT surprised me with the Pirates of the Caribbean 3. i cooked the turkey and stuffing without any problems. Mom, Dad and Sis took the MIT to church, giving me time to prepare the turkey, then brought Him home for some quiet time together. After lunch, Mom, Dad, and Sis came over, and we opened more presents. The MIT and i surprised my Sis by giving her a gift from her teddy bear named Tddy. It included a picture of Tddy with Santa. It was all the MIT's idea, and it went 
over great. Later, my Nana and Aunt came over, and more gifts were exchanged. i have a feeling i will not see my MIT for about 3 months, as He will be holed up in His room watching DVD's. After my Nana and Aunt left, it was time for supper and playing with DVD's and cleaning up. my family is great. All i do is cook the turkey and stuffing, and my Mom brings over the rest of the food, cooks/heats it up, and then after everyone is done, she does the dishes. It was a good day. There were lots of pictures taken. Some of me even turned out really well. Mostly pictures of the MIT were 
taken, since He is the center of attention, which is only right. i don't have room to put up all the good ones, so here are just few.
Today was shopping with my Mom, while my Dad played with the MIT. It has become a great tradition. i even picked out what i am getting for my birthday today. The MIT and my Dad ate most of the leftovers, so it was Chinese for dinner.
Tomorrow is my exam. my final exam for reflexology. i have to do the entire procedure without looking at my book. That is going to be a breeze. The part i am worried about is naming all the reflexes. That will be the toughest part. That and not loosing my place in the procedure as i answer the questions. The charting i have done is great, and i have no worries about that. But, it is an exam and i always get nervous about that.
The MIT and i still have gifts to give out. One set i know i will be able to deliver soon. The other set, i have no idea. i haven't heard from them in a long time. i have tried to keep in touch with them, but have heard very little back. i have sent emails, and left phone messages. i even sent them an eCard for Christmas. Oh well, i am sure stuff must really be going on with them, or i would have heard from them. Last i had heard, family health was an issue, and i know how that can be when you only have so many spoons.
The biggest surprise this Christmas / Yule time, is the MIT hasn't lost any muscles. He also hasn't gotten all angry. He has pulled Himself from situations to quietly deal. He has really matured. i am proud of Him. i just wish i could see the joy in stuff. All i keep seeing is what isn't and is going to happen in the future.
i am still having problems with that. The change in meds hasn't seemed to help yet. It is still really hard for me to see the "good" in alot of thing, including the van. i am getting better with the Monster (van). i have yet to put His wheel chair in it, but i will be doing that tomorrow, especially if we go visiting and delivering presents. The ramp is cool, and so is the space in the back seat. It is just so hard to get in and out of. i definitely need to invest in a granny stepWell, my pills seem to be kicking in. Tomorrow is a stressful day, so wish me luck, and here is to becoming a certified reflexologist
Sunday, December 23, 2007
It is almost Christmas
So a bit of a catch-up in regards to the depression issue. The doctor and therapist have decided to put me back on Trazedone. I had been taken off it back in October. They are figuring that it was doing more good than we had originally thought. I had been taken off it, in the hopes of changing my nighttime meds. So back on it i go.
Yes i am still having all those nasty thoughts, but i am keeping my word. i talked about it openly with both the doctor and therapist. All of it. The plans, the homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i was confused and scared that i would be punished (having the MIT taken away, and being put in hospital) for doing what i am supposed to do. i am supposed to open up about my feelings. i am suppose to tell the professionals that can help me, when i am feeling that dark. They both concurred that i did the right thing. i am not going to be punished for it. They are keeping me on a short leash, and seeing me often, but are letting me work on feeling what i feel without fear of punishment. They are trusting me at my word. They are trusting that i will keep my promise.
As far as the reflexology goes, i have completed all 70 procedures. i have everything completed in order to take my exam on the 27th. i am excited about this. my Mom has been very helpful in getting her friends to be my clients. i have decided that all those that let me practice on them, and that volunteered for me, will be rewarded once i get my certificate. It is the least i can do to thank them all for being my guinea pigs.
Yule was very quiet. Just me for most of the night. The MIT joining me after He had finished karate. It was a quiet night. my tree and candles lighting the house. Wreathes on both doors. my altar decorated with crystals, candles, pine cones, pieces of my tree in the vase. i didn't do any big thing. Just something quiet for myself. i had french onion soup, home made buns, and some ham and potatoes, carrots, and beans. A nice quiet night where i remembered Mike, and how that would have been the night we exchanged gifts. i even got Him something, and put it in His drawer. i called my friends, and wished them happy Yule. It was nice.
Two more sleeps until Christmas. i have all my shopping done. i have wrapping to do. i will be doing that today. Today i will also be driving my new van down to my Nana's. She hasn't seen it yet. Plus, we are having a trifle day at her house. i don't think the MIT will be happy that i am there, but no biggy. i am there for me, and not for Him. By doing the reflexology on her every week, we have become closer lately. i am really enjoying that. Other than that, i refuse to go anywhere near a store. i am so done with the crowds and stuff. On Monday i will be going to E's place for her open house. The MIT will be coming with me, and i will also get to show off my new van there. The MIT is actually looking forward to it. He is actually excited about Christmas this year. It is nice to see.
Well, that is about it. That is my update. i hope everyone has a happy holiday. i don't know when i will be posting again. Soon, but not too soon. Wish me luck on my exam!
Yes i am still having all those nasty thoughts, but i am keeping my word. i talked about it openly with both the doctor and therapist. All of it. The plans, the homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i was confused and scared that i would be punished (having the MIT taken away, and being put in hospital) for doing what i am supposed to do. i am supposed to open up about my feelings. i am suppose to tell the professionals that can help me, when i am feeling that dark. They both concurred that i did the right thing. i am not going to be punished for it. They are keeping me on a short leash, and seeing me often, but are letting me work on feeling what i feel without fear of punishment. They are trusting me at my word. They are trusting that i will keep my promise.
As far as the reflexology goes, i have completed all 70 procedures. i have everything completed in order to take my exam on the 27th. i am excited about this. my Mom has been very helpful in getting her friends to be my clients. i have decided that all those that let me practice on them, and that volunteered for me, will be rewarded once i get my certificate. It is the least i can do to thank them all for being my guinea pigs.
Yule was very quiet. Just me for most of the night. The MIT joining me after He had finished karate. It was a quiet night. my tree and candles lighting the house. Wreathes on both doors. my altar decorated with crystals, candles, pine cones, pieces of my tree in the vase. i didn't do any big thing. Just something quiet for myself. i had french onion soup, home made buns, and some ham and potatoes, carrots, and beans. A nice quiet night where i remembered Mike, and how that would have been the night we exchanged gifts. i even got Him something, and put it in His drawer. i called my friends, and wished them happy Yule. It was nice.
Two more sleeps until Christmas. i have all my shopping done. i have wrapping to do. i will be doing that today. Today i will also be driving my new van down to my Nana's. She hasn't seen it yet. Plus, we are having a trifle day at her house. i don't think the MIT will be happy that i am there, but no biggy. i am there for me, and not for Him. By doing the reflexology on her every week, we have become closer lately. i am really enjoying that. Other than that, i refuse to go anywhere near a store. i am so done with the crowds and stuff. On Monday i will be going to E's place for her open house. The MIT will be coming with me, and i will also get to show off my new van there. The MIT is actually looking forward to it. He is actually excited about Christmas this year. It is nice to see.
Well, that is about it. That is my update. i hope everyone has a happy holiday. i don't know when i will be posting again. Soon, but not too soon. Wish me luck on my exam!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Snow
It is snowing nicely outside. Enough for me to feel cozy not leaving the house, or going outside. Enough for my brain to justify staying in doors.
The bad thoughts are still there. They are not leaving me. The ones about hurting someone else are less. They were more of a way to justify the big black thought of me leaving without guilt, and less to do with hurting another. i still have to talk to the doctor tomorrow. i am worried about going into the hospital, but know that if she says i need to go, i will. i know i can't go on like this. i have promised not to do it between now and Christmas. i made that promise to my Mom, and to my Sister. i will keep that promise. i did not promise to stop thinking about it. Mom understands that. She knows that i am in a very dark place and can't find my way out. She thinks i at least need stronger drugs.
i want to get better. i want to feel joy in the mornings, or even any part of the day. i don't want to dread each day. i want it to be less of a struggle to get moving in a good direction. i want to stop faking that everything is ok.
Tomorrow is the doctor. Tomorrow i explain how dark it really is inside me. Tomorrow i will either come home or will be admitted into the hospital.
The bad thoughts are still there. They are not leaving me. The ones about hurting someone else are less. They were more of a way to justify the big black thought of me leaving without guilt, and less to do with hurting another. i still have to talk to the doctor tomorrow. i am worried about going into the hospital, but know that if she says i need to go, i will. i know i can't go on like this. i have promised not to do it between now and Christmas. i made that promise to my Mom, and to my Sister. i will keep that promise. i did not promise to stop thinking about it. Mom understands that. She knows that i am in a very dark place and can't find my way out. She thinks i at least need stronger drugs.
i want to get better. i want to feel joy in the mornings, or even any part of the day. i don't want to dread each day. i want it to be less of a struggle to get moving in a good direction. i want to stop faking that everything is ok.
Tomorrow is the doctor. Tomorrow i explain how dark it really is inside me. Tomorrow i will either come home or will be admitted into the hospital.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
i figured something out
i have figures out why the traditions in our family are so important to me. They are something i can hold on too.
Right now it is very dark inside my head. It has been for over a month. i have a plan that doesn't involve me, but will give me the permission i need in my head to follow threw with the plans for me. i told the only person i could, my Mom. i know it is a lot to lay on her, but if i talked to anyone else about it, i would not be at home right now. I would be in the hospital.
Maybe that is where i need to be. Things out here, in the world, aren't making me any better. Those dark thoughts are always with me. They are always there when i go to take my meds. They are there as i engross myself into being a Mom. There are there when i do the dishes, bake cookies, put on a happy face. They are always there. They are getting worse.
After talking to my Mom, i have made a promise for tonight. One that i am finding hard to keep, but i am keeping it. Tomorrow, i see my Mom again, and i know she will ask me to make the same promise again. On Friday i go to the doctor's. i am not going to tell her about the entire plan. That would land me in the hospital for sure, but i will tell her that the dark thoughts are back with a vengeance. If she then wants me to go to the hospital, i think i am ready. The thoughts are so overwhelming, that i am ready to take myself in tonight.
Maybe it is time to go. Maybe it is time to admit i am faking it all. Maybe it is time to admit i can't find anything happy to think about in the mornings to get me out of bed, but a routine. Yeah, maybe it is time to just let go and see if there is something else out there to help me get out of this.
i now really understand why this time of year has the highest suicide rate.
Right now it is very dark inside my head. It has been for over a month. i have a plan that doesn't involve me, but will give me the permission i need in my head to follow threw with the plans for me. i told the only person i could, my Mom. i know it is a lot to lay on her, but if i talked to anyone else about it, i would not be at home right now. I would be in the hospital.
Maybe that is where i need to be. Things out here, in the world, aren't making me any better. Those dark thoughts are always with me. They are always there when i go to take my meds. They are there as i engross myself into being a Mom. There are there when i do the dishes, bake cookies, put on a happy face. They are always there. They are getting worse.
After talking to my Mom, i have made a promise for tonight. One that i am finding hard to keep, but i am keeping it. Tomorrow, i see my Mom again, and i know she will ask me to make the same promise again. On Friday i go to the doctor's. i am not going to tell her about the entire plan. That would land me in the hospital for sure, but i will tell her that the dark thoughts are back with a vengeance. If she then wants me to go to the hospital, i think i am ready. The thoughts are so overwhelming, that i am ready to take myself in tonight.
Maybe it is time to go. Maybe it is time to admit i am faking it all. Maybe it is time to admit i can't find anything happy to think about in the mornings to get me out of bed, but a routine. Yeah, maybe it is time to just let go and see if there is something else out there to help me get out of this.
i now really understand why this time of year has the highest suicide rate.