Loneliness, and debating dating

my weekend has been quiet. Quiet is good. Quiet this weekend, brought boredom. Boredom brought loneliness. Loneliness, brought thoughts of dating again. Thoughts of dating, eventually brought panic.

i know i am not ready for a committed relationship. i know i am not ready to give myself over to anyone completely, or even try to find someone with that in mind. i just know that i am lonely. i don't like being at home alone all the time when the MIT is away. i want a body next to me. i want someone to talk to, other than myself. i want someone to share time with, go out to the movies with, go to events with. Someone that is mine, without them being someone else's.

There are problems finding that someone. i want my extended family to accept them, and they have pretty high standards. i want to be able to call them when i need them. i don't want to take orders from them much. i don't want them to be freaked out by the pictures of Mike on the wall. i want them to be able to take care of me a bit. i want to be able to let go with them a bit. Heck, after a year of no sex, that would be nice too. But the most important part, is that my extended family accept them. This is so important to me, that i feel like asking them to find me someone. Have them pick and choose, and eventually introduce me to them, and know that they all approve. Yes i am talking about an arranged relationship.

The problem with this, is that we all know all the same people in this little "community" of ours. We all know who has slept with who. Who broke-up with who, and probubly the reason why. Who we trust and who we don't. Who act with a lot of bravada. Who just wouldn't fit with the group of us. i want this person to fit. i want to not feel like this person is a reflection of me, but that i am a reflection of them.

Anyways, i have updated my profile on Collarme.com. i am not expecting much. i am expecting to not find anyone in the area. L&D have suggested expanding the prospective area, by going to events in Niagra, and Ottawa. Cool suggestion. But again, i don't want to be the one to pick the person. i want to pick them, so i know that they already have the group stamp of approval. i belong to the group in a way, and it is a safe place to belong. They know who i am, what i am like, how i tend to be. They know me, and know the real me, and not the me that i would be putting out there to find someone new.

Hmmm, i am starting to like this idea. Maybe i should talk to the group and see what they can come up with. i suddenly have this picture in my head of anyone that wants to be with me, standing in front of them, answering questions, and getting voted out, depending on their answers and their abilities. Maybe we could call it "Survivor: Dom island". LOL