Just not in the mood..

for Yule/Christmas. i am just not in the mood for all the feelings, emotions, festivities, work, or anything else related to the time of year. There are a million reasons, i am sure. Ones i know about and ones i don't want to even aknowledge. The way i know i am not in the mood, is that today is Tree Day, and i don't want to go.



i don't want to bake. i don't want a tree to water. i don't want to be happy. i don't want to buy anymore stuff. i don't want to do it. Nothing. i want it to all be over and done with.

13 days until Christmas

and i still haven't gotten any baking done. 7 days until the MIT needs to have His gifts for the staff at the school and i still haven't gotten any baking done. Baking cookies isn't all about baking cookies. It is more about having treats here for my family, giving gifts to friends that will use them for their family, and giving the MIT's bus driver something for her kids to get a sugar high. i have 7 people i need/want to bake for. 7 presents left go create.

Today is therapy day. i have been having bouts of crying fits all week. i am glad Sandy decided i needed to see her today. i am just sorry it is to be first thing this morning. i would have much more appreciated sleeping this morning and seeing her this afternoon. Being over tired and going to therapy bodes for a weepy, red-eyed, snotty nosed, crying session. my feelings are more raw, and closer to the surface. Easily accessible. Not the way i like to be. i know, suck it up.

Yesterday after school, the MIT came home full blown. He had to be reminded to breath. He couldn't move. He lost his ability to talk as soon as we got into the house, off the bus. Swallowing was difficult for Him. It sucked. i haven't seen Him like this in a while. Then again, i tend to push days like yesterday into the back of my mind and forget it. It could have been a week ago, or a week ago. i wouldn't know the difference.

Yesterday i couldn't do what i wanted because of it. It frustrated me so much. i resented Him being the way He is. i resented not being able to block out the bad. i resented the disorder. i resented being a mom. i resented the time of year. i resented everything. i still feel that way. Even after being up most of the night, i still feel that way. Then again, it could also be because i was up most of the night. i don't know right now.

So anyways, it is therapy, shopping and doctor today. Hopefully it is also baking today. It is also picking up just 3 more gifts today. i will be asking Mom to help take me to one store. Then i will be taking myself to a couple others. my security blanket (iPod) will be with me the entire time.

iPod protection powers, activate!!

No post

i didn't post yesterday. i was too tired. my brain started to malfunction around 8pm. i went to bed about 10 last night, so i am better this morning.

Something that has also helped me, was founding......Hedgehogs!!!! Hedgehogs are made by Botticelli. They are a hazelnut chocolate. They look like hedgehogs. They have little noses you can bite off. They are my favourite chocolate, and i can only find them during the Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah season. They make me happy, just knowing i have some in the house.

The MIT is doing good. He is in a good humour. He is being polite, and the idea of Santa's Naughty or Nice list is a good incentive. He is taking more responsibility with regards to His personal care. It is nice to see. Now if i could only get Him cooking. LOL.

i am enjoying my time with D. Yesterday was a good day with her. She was very lucid and was stable physically, and was eager to do things. Today could be just as good. It could also be not so good. i will see once i get there. We may just hang out in her room, and wander the halls of the hospice, or we may go to the mall and get her picture taken with Santa, or we may take care of some Christmas tasks. As always, i will follow her lead. i just hope i don't forget to take everything with me. She threatened to put me over her knee yesterday after forgetting scissors.

Now that was a very funny dialogue.

The MIT is over my shoulder. Time to get going.

i don't know what to say....

i have thoughts in my head. i know they are there. i just can't seem to access them tonight.

Thoughts and ponders

Back at the beginning of D's journey and battle, i didn't help out much. i knew that they needed time to be a family while they could. i knew their time together was important, and me stepping in, might be more of an imposition than a help. So i stood back. Yes i was there when they called and needed me. Even still, i sometimes felt guilty.

Logically, i couldn't help all that much. i have responsibilities that keep me from helping as much as i would have liked. Those haven't changed. Those still keep me away from helping out as much as i think i should be. Still, i am there when they call and need me.

Now, as things progress and worsen, i am there. This is a time i know i can help. This is a time i know how to help. i have experience with this because of the MIT. This is a time when D and her family need someone close by that can drop everything and just be there. That i am able to do right now. That i am willing to do right now.

i am able to take D out in her wheelchair without difficulty. i took her out shopping. i am able to just sit and wait and listen in small bursts. i am able to lift and not hurting myself. i am able to change clothes easily without D helping. i am able to do body transfers. i am able to make someone drink when they can't remember. i am able to just sit and count breaths and remind her to breath.

i have practice with all of this. This is what i do with the MIT. For me, it is "easy" to do. For D's family, it isn't. i have been doing this for 16 years. They are not used to this. They need to grieve as it happens. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to step back to keep their sanity. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to deal with nurses and doctors and volunteers. i have been doing this for 16 years.

i can hear my therapist now. i can hear her concern that i am putting to much of myself out there. i can hear her worry about how i am going to feel when this is all over. i can hear myself wonder how things will change once it is all over. i can hear her wonder when i will have time for myself. i can hear her wonder how much energy i will have left at the end of the day, week, month. But now, now is when i can help.

Now i know how to help. i offer my help freely, with no thought of anything in return. This is the best present they could have given me. Time to be with D and give them piece of mind while i am there. Now i don't feel so guilty.

And it continues

The MIT is home. He is sitting and watching The Simpsons. He sits there content, and i feel like i have not accomplished anything this weekend.

In my head, i should have:

• baked 2 batches of sugar cookies
• baked 2 batches of spiced crinkle cookies
• decorated sugar cookies
• made another gift in a jar
• print out instructions for said gift in a jar

In reality i have:

• done all the dishes
• made a dinner that is sitting in the fridge for a day when i don't want to cook
• make 1 gift in a jar
• printed out instructions for said gift in a jar, plus 3 other gifts in a jar i had previously made
• dusted
• vacuumed
• sorted gifts i have gotten for people
• kept my room clean and tidy after cleaning it
• cleaned out and took down cooler
• took down the fridge/cooler
• brought up jars for gifts in a jar

So reality says i have gotten a lot done this weekend, but still my head says different. i feel like i have been lazy. i feel like i have let my weekend without the MIT go to waste. Yes, i took time for myself, but still, i have so much to do.

i get that i couldn't go out shopping this weekend, and that has a lot to do with getting my list finished. i have ingredients to get for baking and for gifts in jars. i have stocking stuffers to still get. i have one person's gift to get. i have 2 people that i can't figure out what to get. my list stays long until those things are done, and i have the money to do them.

The big "problem" i am having, is the baking. i want to bake. i need to bake. i just can't seem to make myself bake. i think of baking, and then i remember my little freezer at the top of my fridge is full. It is full of stuff that i will eventually use, just not right now.

Damn it, i need a freezer. A real freezer.

And so the day begins

It is 9:00 on a Saturday. i have no MIT today. He went to respite last night. i will be picking Him up on Sunday.

So far today, i have taken my meds (yay me), made my bed, tidied my room, sorted gifts, started dishes, cleaned off my table, set out and lit candles, planned my week, talked to my sister, and have pulled out the ingredients to bake today. All this has been done before 9:00. On a day i could have slept in.

Why is it, when i give myself time, i feel the need to take control of my house and make it "perfect" in my eyes? Ok, i really do know why. It is because i want some control in my life. The house is the easiest thing to control right now. i can control how it looks, how clean it is, how decorated it is, and how warm it is. i can create a sense of control, by controlling my environment. It may be a false sense of control, but it is what i can actually do.

So for the rest of the day, i will be baking, dusting, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, making, and wrapping. All in the hopes of making myself feel like i am in control of something.

Oh yeah....and it is SNOWING again!!!!!!!

It is now 6:45 in the evening. i have not gotten much done. i made spaghetti for lunch. i made pork roast with potatoes and carrots and onions for dinner. i have done the dishes. i have even put the dishes away. i have had a nap. OH....i did fix the speakers on my computer. Now i can blast Yule/Christmas music while i do wrapping or baking or whatever. i don't know what else to do. Sure i have a list of stuff. i have baking i could do. i have stuff to take into the basement. i have stuff to bring up from the basement. None of which i really want to do. i guess i can have today as a lazy day.

A crying place

Today was therapy day. Yay!

Today i cried. Today i weaped. Today i put voice to the fact that i just want to curl up and die. Yeah, die. Then again, i have to many responsibilities. So, no dying for me. Instead i am going to curl up and stop functioning. At least for a little while.

Everything came down to me being frustrated about being responsible and about me being tired of actually functioning all the time. Today was about feeling out of control of what is happening around me. The MIT. D. Friends in need. Friends lost to opinions. Changes.

my therapist wants me there again next week. She knows, and i know, it is a safe place to voice all these things. It is safer than not being able to go outside. It is safer than all the panic attacks i have been dealing with. It is a place i can cry and weep and not worry about how i am perceived.

i will be there next week. i will let stuff out again. Then i will hide from functioning for a little while.

So much for plans...

That is why my favourite saying is "if you want to make God laugh, make plans". It was no one's fault but my own.

i had decided, and written down, that yesterday i would go to Fortinos, M&M's, Staples, White Flame, and Food Basics. Yeah, ok. That was tossed out when i realized i couldn't leave the house again. The panic attack was back. No idea why. i had been doing well the last couple of days. i tried. i even went to get my mail, and ended back in the house hyperventilating. So, i called my Mom and she took me to Fortinos. At least that got done. Later, when i knew lots of people wouldn't be around, i headed to White Flame (it was closed) and Staples. i wore my iPod and everything. i was able to cross Staples off the list. Yay me.

So today, i had been prepared to bake cookies and go to White Flame. Instead, i slept. i slept until i got a phone call asking for my help. i slept soundly until that point. Once i was asked, i said of course, thinking it wouldn't be a problem for me. i was wrong. i ended up needing to take adivan. Again, the thought of leaving the house was too much, but help was needed and i was the closest person for the job, so i took the yucky med, and off i went.

i am glad i did go. Where i went, was quiet. Where i went, there was love. Where i went, there was a sense of peace. i ended up going back later. i spent another 2 1/2 hours there. Sitting in the quiet and the dark. i helped put out a fire in her mind. i watched her, and i listened to her when she would talk. i listened to a snore for the first time in forever. Then i came home, where i now sit, and listen to His breath. Sitting in the dark and quiet. i watch Him and i listen for Him.

One is dying quicker than the other. Either way, it is both calming and scary to listen and watch them. Waiting for the seizure to happen. The one they will both get. The one that shows their life is shortening. The one that means life changes forever.

Holy Crap....

i am actually ahead of the game this year in regards to Yule/Christmas. i mean really ahead. Cards have been mailed. Gifts have been bought, made and done. i mean, i have never been this far ahead, on the second day of December.

i only have 4 more gifts to buy. i have 2 people i don't know what to get them. So i also have them to buy for. That makes 6. Only 6 more gifts to buy. Gifts for friends and family. Only 4 more. i do have a lot of baking and making to do. i also have to pick-up a few odds and ends for stockings. Other than that, i am done. Tomorrow is the day i am going out to finish it all off. i am so proud of myself. Hopefully this will lesson the stress of the season.

i do like baking. After getting groceries tomorrow, (along with the last few gifts) i will be able to bake to my heart's content. This is going to be fun. No more big pressure to go out and shop. No more crowded stores. No more stress about what to get anyone. None. Actual time to just sit back and enjoy the get-togethers, family traditions, and odd weather.

Yay!!!!! (this is me jumping up and down)

It is that time of year

So usually this is the time of year i post what i want for Yule/Christmas. It is like my own little letter to Santa. Soooo....

Dear Santa,

i have tried to be good this year. i know my temper has gotten the better of me a few times. It usually happens when i am over tired or stressed out. It isn't a good excuse. It is what it is. i just hope i was good enough to be on the nice list. If so, this is what i would like.

1. The MIT to get everything on His list
2. Peace of mind for my friends (current and those lost to anger and misunderstandings)
3. Candles from the White Flame Company
4. A new pair of pajamas
5. Hedge hog chocolates
6. New panties
7. A mortar and pestle
8. Fuzzy socks
9. The energy to bake cookies
10. The patience to not yell so much

Well, that is about it Santa. i hope you have a good month, and get everything done that needs to be done. There will be cookies and hot chocolate here for you. The MIT will make sure of it. He will also include some carrots for all the reindeer.

Me

December 1st, again

It is the beginning of the stressful season. Yeah, that is how i am feeling about it right now. It is the first and i am already stressing over what is going to happen the next 19, 21, and 25 days.

Today the house was decorated. i actually did it. i took down the last of the camping supplies, and brought up the decorations, and have put them all up. The house is looking festive. Too bad my mood isn't.

D is heading to hospice care. It is time. It is time for her. It is time for her family. i got to spend a great Saturday with her. We went out shopping. We were able to do two stores. i helped her choose gifts for people. i did a lot of waiting. i would sit next to her wheelchair and just wait while she made decisions, or nodded off. It didn't matter what anyone thought. It didn't wonder how weird we looked. After two stores, she was done. She didn't want to admit it. i made the decision for her. i took her home. i was granted the opportunity, to again watch her and be a support to her family. i stayed the night.

Saturday night was glimpses at insanity, instability, smiles, memories, and flashes of recognition. The insanity was mine. The instability was limbs not cooperating. The smiles were of shared comfort in silence. The memories were mine to carry for the both of us. The flashes of recognition were insightful and far between. The insanity was mine. i only have to see it in glimpses. i don't live with it. i visit it. Just like those that visit my house. i got to go home and hide from it. Even ignore the reality of it for a few hours.

This season is going to be very hard for a lot of us. Each of us enduring our own hells. Mine is a lot less than some. This year i can actually say that. This year, i regrettably get to say, that my hell is not as bad as people i know. Theirs is much worse.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a busy day.

First, i am finally getting my bathroom floor fixed, after 4 years of waiting. The contractor came and told me himself. Dad is going to be here because....

Second, i have a meeting at the MIT's school. i am meeting with His 5th period teacher and His resource teacher. We are going to go over with the teacher, what was decided at the I.E.P. meeting. This is a job the resource teacher could and should do on her own, but i need to be there for some reasons.

Third, i have my ultrasound. Yes the ultrasound of my boob. The lump is still there, and is still growing. i will have to wait about a week for the results.

Fourth, i am going shopping for undies with my Mom. It is going to be my Christmas pressent from her and my Dad. i hate surprises.

Fifth, i am going home to look after the MIT until the nurse arrives.

Yes a busy day. A day of being out of the house. my iPod is coming with me. It is the only way for me to survive right now. i refuse to take adivan. i don't want to be doped up all the time. So, iPod it is.

Panic and Anxiety

i know what panic and anxiety are. i experience both quite often. Right now, and for the last few weeks, i have been experiencing them every day. i don't know why. i know how i am dealing with it. i know how i am comforting myself. The problem is, at the moment, it is counter productive.

The panic and anxiety revolve around leaving the house. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe. i don't want to. i get a tightness in my chest with the idea. i start to sweat when i know it is a must. i avoid it to the point of finding reasons to stay in the house. i avoid it to the point of asking others to do my running around. A new "symptom" is that i don't feel comfortable driving the speed limit. It is too fast. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe.

One technique is to find a way to comfort myself when i am feeling this way. i am doing that. i am cleaning. i am cooking. i am organizing. my place has never been so clean. my kitchen has never been so tidy. Laundry is all done. Dishes are constantly being washed. Vacuuming is a daily occurrence. Even making my bed is a comfort. i feel safe here at home. i feel secure here at home. i feel at home here at home. Even still, it is counter productive.

i need to remember the ways i handled going out before. i know taking my iPod with me, and blocking out noise is one i can do. i know that self talk is another. Going out with someone out is another. i know that making myself go out is a way of breaking the thinking that it isn't safe, because i will be safe when i get back home.

Knowing all this isn't helping. Knowing that it is illogical isn't helping. Knowing i have lived through this before isn't helping. Knowing i will get through this again isn't helping. Talking about it isn't helping. Making myself go out isn't helping. Taking my meds isn't helping. Nothing has helped. i even carried it to camping.

i feel like i am rambling. i feel like i am trying to fix this, but am getting no where. i don't get why this is happening. Nothing bad happened. Nothing unsafe happened. i don't even know when it really started. i know one day i didn't want to leave. The next was fine. So was the next. Then another day when i didn't want to leave. Then another. Now it has snowballed. i don't know how to fix it.

The First Snow...while camping!!!!

So this past week has been difficult. i have been having panic attacks every day. i can't seem to make it out of the house. i have been finding excuses to not go out. i have been cooking, cleaning, making things "perfect" here, so i feel safe and in control. i am needing the feeling of control. Without it i just plain brake down. i didn't really know how i would handle camping, but i did ok.

We arrived Friday. No rain while we set-up camp. i was able to have a fire and get the stew warming up in the dutch oven. After dinner, i started to prepare to do dishes, and we hit a bump in our plans. We found out there was no water at the site. We had to come up with some quick solutions. We figured it out, and then the rain started. Quick get into the tent. We had a nice quiet night hanging out in the tent. The MIT and Dad watched DVD's and i read my book. We ended up settling for the night around 7:00. At 1:30am, we were woken up to loud music. i took a walk to the offending site and asked them to turn it down. They were very polite. We all returned to the tent and went back to sleep.


Saturday morning we found the second bump in our camping adventure. We found out the tent was leaking. The floor of the tent was soaking wet. The picture is of Dad building a trench around the tent, in the hopes of shifting the water from around the it. i lifted the sleeping bags and kept the heater going so they could try and dry out. i sealed the seam in the bottom of the tent. That we could live with. Then we hit the third bump. Dad had forgotten to tell me to bring my grill from my BBQ. Off to Hamilton i drove. Then the fourth bump, my period started. Ok, not that great a weekend so far. i returned to the site and i made chicken noodle soup from scratch for lunch. First cooking experience for me again. It turned out really nicely. Especially since it was raining. The MIT spent the day watching DVD's under the awning of the tent, and i kept watch on the tent and sleeping bags drying. By the time Dad made dinner (Smokey bacon wrapped shrimp) i thought the tent was dry enough for us all to be able to climb back in and settle where it was dry and warm. i was wrong.

(MIT eating Smokey Bacon Wrapped Shrimp)

Turned out, while we ate dinner, and while we watched DVD's, the bottom of the tent was still leaking, and all the sleeping bags were soaking wet again. We did piles of blankets and sheets to sleep on, and we did the best we could. i had a mini break down at that point, because i kept feeling that if either Dad or the MIT complained, i had to fix it. And then, because i couldn't fix it, no one would enjoy the time we had together. i voiced this and was told (well sort of, we ended up joking about it quickly) that i was not Mother Nature, and the little bumps added to the adventure. We bedded down around 7:00 again, and slept on and off during the night.

When we woke up on Sunday, we were greeted with snow covering our stuff. (Yes bump number 5). i truly lost it. i couldn't figure out how to do dishes (the propane stove had gotten wet during all the rain, and wouldn't light properly), how to pack things up, how to make dinner, and was completely lost and panicky. We fixed this with me telling my Dad that i wanted to just pack everything up, and head to my place for breakfast and the rest of the camping day. Dad agreed (since He was huddling around the fire for any form of warmth)........

and the MIT huddled in the wet tent, trying to keep warm.
The MIT agreed, and we packed up everything in less than 1 hour. We were out of there. It was just snowing so much. Yeah, the weather report said it was possible, but we had avoided the predicted weather so many times, i just didn't count on it actually happening. All the dirt dishes went into one bin, all the other stuff went into the other. Sopping wet sleeping bags laid on the tops of the wet and frozen bins. Mud tracked in and out of the van. It was a mad dash. As we were leaving, we were hit with a flurry.
We got to my place and started to unpack stuff. We had our traditional pancakes for breakfast, with coffee for the boys. i hung the sleeping bags in my shower. i did dishes and unpacking. The boys watched TV. After we had all dried off, and everything was basically out of the van, i drove Dad and the MIT to Dad's house. They were to spend the rest of the day there. It gave me a break. Once the van was unloaded with all of Dad's stuff, plus the wet and muddy tent, i headed back to my place and tried to warm up and dry out. This was hard, considering i didn't have the use of my shower or tub because of the sleeping bags.

Overall, it was a good weekend. i made it harder on myself than i should have. i didn't have to fix everything, but i needed that feeling of being in control. It took 3 days to figure out i can't compete with Mother Nature, and can't control everything. This doesn't mean i am over my panic. i still only feel safe here, in my home.

Here where i can control things. i don't know how i am going to "get over it" but i will have to figure something out. i can't just stay in the house all day, every day. There are things i have to do in life. There are things that are essential to being able to live. There is Yule and then Christmas to prepare for.

A Week from today

the MIT, my Dad and i will be camping. We will be out in the "wild", hiding out in a tent. It is currently 3C outside. Yes, we will be camping in a tent. Yes we will have the heater with us. Yes i will be packing enough blankets to supply an entire family of 7. Yes we will be having fun.

Things have been weird around here. The MIT has been getting angry at a lot of different things. He even got in trouble at school over it. He has been having more and more episodes with no muscles. He has been having more and more absent seizures. He did do something new. He lied to me. Straight faced, full lied. i am so proud. It is a stage He has missed up until now. He actually did it twice. i kept my wits about me. i didn't fall for the lies. He did learn that i wouldn't put up with lying. We will be going to the seating clinic this week. He desperately needs a new wheelchair. Heck, he is using it more and more, it should at least fit His butt.

i have been spending some time with D. E asked if D was getting any worse, in my eyes. i did tell her what i truly thought. E looked like she needed to hear my truthful observations. i hope i didn't hurt her with them. i did say that D was declining physically, but cognitively, she was still there. Yes it would take her a while to get to where her thoughts really were, but she still got there. D and i have secret plans. It will take a couple weeks to fulfill them, but we will do it. It is kind of my present to her and to E. i wish i could help E more. i know i can't. She is in a yucky space. A space where people are invading her living space and her safe place. A space where her mind and emotions need to hide. A space where she is watching someone she loves decline before her eyes. She is hitting the guilt phase. The feeling like she isn't strong enough to handle what she is going through. The feeling of being tired all the time. The feeling that she doesn't have her grown-up support there for her. i know those feelings. i just can't fix them for her. She needs to feel them and she will. Slowly. There is no way to prepare for what is to come.

On my front, the lump is bigger. You can now see it if i take my shirt off. i can feel it when i brush crumbs off my shirt. i did call the doctor about it, and she is going to look at it again when i see her at my normal appointment on Thursday. It is probably a cyst, just not one that they could read right on the mammogram or ultrasound. i am going to ask for either a biopsy or a fluid needle test. i need to know what this is, or what this isn't so i can just keep going forward with life. i need to know if this is going to be something else to beat. i just need to know.

What it isn't

It is not nothing. That we now know for sure. What it is, we don't know. We get to keep an eye on it, and if it does nothing or changes, "it warrants further investigation".

We do know there aren't any blood vessels going to it, so it isn't feeding. That usually means it isn't cancer. That is good. We just don't know exactly what it is.

So yay!!!!???

Waiting....

i am sitting here watching the clock. i have an appointment in 2 hours with the doctor to discuss the results of my mammogram and ultrasound. 2 hours to wait and worry. 2 hours to get a shower, get dressed, and then leave for the doctor's to hear if everything is normal, i have a cyst, calcium deposit, or growth that needs to be biopsied. 2 hours. Not enough time to hide under the covers. Not enough energy to go and get groceries. Too much time to think and think and think.

Think about the what ifs. Think about how i feel. Think about how i will react. Think about what will happen next. Think about how the MIT will feel. Think about how my parents will feel. Think about how my friends will feel.

i also lost 2 friends this past week. Not because of death, but because of how i handled my fear. They got mad about how i reacted to the fear i was feeling. They got mad about how others were being made to feel, without talking to them. They decided things about me. i have decided things about them. i have decided that they have rules that they expect others to live by, but not live that way themselves. i have decided i don't need to work so hard to keep friends. Those that truly care about me, and are friends of mine, understand me, and let me live how i please, knowing that i don't break their confidences, or purposely act to hurt them. Those that truly are my friends, know me, help me, and are there for me, just as i know them, help them, and are there for them. i am sad i am loosing people i thought cared for me so much, but am less stressed, knowing i don't have to live up to expectations they don't even hold up themselves.

What saddens me most about the situation is the MIT. He is mad. He misses them. He misses A. He says that they acted like Him. Mad about something and not able to let it go or talk about it. He talked about how they "lied" about forgiving me before. He talked about how He did that with Mr. B. at karate. He understands that they don't hate Him, and aren't mad at Him, but He knows the friendship has changed, and it does affect how often they will and how willing they will be to see Him, with them being mad at me. i like how "grown-up" He is getting.

He knows what is happening with me. He knows about the appointment and we have talked about what we are hoping the doctor will say. He is scared i will die, like others in my Mom's family, or like others from His church. He is scared how things will change if it isn't nothing or isn't a cyst.

i made Him come with me to see D and E and P. He likes that D is like Him. He likes that someone else He knows forgets words, slurs, or is shaky. He feels like He isn't alone so much in what He experiences. He understands how serious D's condition is, but He feels connected to her. He says D will be waiting to greet Him when He dies, along with Papa. He thinks D and Papa will be friends in heaven. He likes that idea. He liked that everyone was bald. He doesn't want me to go bald.

The MIT is having more seizures. He seized at school yesterday. He fell 5 times in a 1 1/2 hour period on Tuesday. He forgets more and more words. This morning He was so pale when He woke up. His condition is getting more and more unstable. Both with the way His balance is, and with His health. More seizures is a bad thing. More falling is a bad thing. i keep looking forward and i see Him spending more and more and more time in His wheelchair. He already is. He doesn't spend an entire day out of it, or without loosing muscle tone. Sure we don't use it much here at home, but even here He spends more and more time without a side working. It is a daily norm now.

Wow, i have now spent an entire 1/2 hour writing. That means only 1 hour before i leave to see the doctor. That means i have 1 1/2 hours before i see the doctor. That means 1 1/2 hours before i find out what the lump is.

My week in hell

So, this week has been rough. It actually started 3 weeks ago. That is when i felt a lump.

Monday - wasn't so bad a day.


Tuesday - the MIT came home really angry. So angry, he was starting to hurt Himself. i ended up giving Him an ativan. Man that made Him dopey and wobbly. At least He calmed down and didn't hurt either of us. i made the decision to not let Him go to karate because of it.


Wednesday - the MIT was full blown at school, seized, and came home the way he left school. He came home, i carried Him to the couch and he ended up sleeping for 2 hours. Even after that, He was dopey, and couldn't remember words or names or other stuff.


Thursday - all was well, until i got home from E's place. The visit there was nice. i got to see D. She had a problem remembering my name, but it came to her eventually. She is going downhill fast. It is hard to watch. E is feeling the strain of it being such a drawn out process. i know exactly how she feels. When i did get home, i smelled something burning. It was my computer.

Friday - computer still wasn't working. Had my Dad come over, and we determined it was the power supply. He went to get the replacement, and i went to my doctor's appointment. My blood pressure was low, my weight was down, and my cholesterol is up. i told her about the lump i had found. She felt it also. She is sending me for an ultrasound and a mammogram. When i got home, Dad greeted me at the door. i could smell something burning again. That was when i was greeted with this.....and then to this...... Yes both pictures are of the damage my flaming motherboard created. i had no more motherboard. Dad had to go out and buy me a tower, with a new motherboard and duo processor. Of course that couldn't be picked up until Saturday.

Saturday - today. Today was spent with my Dad putting in to my new tower, my drives and other neat stuff, trying to coordinate my hard drive with the new motherboard, and hoping to the God and Goddess that nothing got erased from my hard drive. i am now up and working. It took me until 10 minutes ago. At least i am back online.

Now time for bed.

Dear Sir

It would have been 9 years Master. 9 years since You and i met on October 13th. i have cried for the last 2 nights. Still grieving over You . Still wishing You were here. Still wishing things were different. Still wishing You had kept Your promise that last night to never leave me again. Ever anniversary, i get lost in You.

You would be very proud and worried about the MIT. You have missed a lot. He is growing into a more mature boy. He is speaking up for Himself more at school. He is learning to do more things. He is taking more chances. He is still very obsessive, but sometimes in a good way. He is even telling me when He has homework and wants to do it with me, not have me do it for Him. His physical issues are getting worse. He can no longer stand still for any amount of time before loosing His balance. He falls more than He stands or walks. He is loosing sides more and more. He is having more full blown days. He has seizures now. Heck, He is on meds now. We are having to play with His meds to make the seizures less, but it doesn't seem to be working.

When You were around Master, i would have looked to You for comfort. i would have looked to you for reassurance about how He was doing, or if i am doing it right, or if i am worrying too much. i don't have that now. i doubt myself a lot. i doubt whether i can leave Him with the nurse. i doubt if giving Him these meds are actually helping verse hurting. i doubt whether any of His falls are worse than they look, or if i am panicking at some of them. It sucks not having You here to help make calls on that.

Yes, today i am feeling lost. i am lost in my head and in my feelings. i am lost in remembering both the good times and the bad. i still blame You for leaving me, even if it was in death. It still feels like You abandoned me and the MIT. i am still lost in all the lies You told, and the position You put me in after You died. i still wonder why You never followed through with anything You said would happen. From writing a will, to giving proper instructions. i am still very angry about that. The lies keep coming back to me. Lies about You playing in public when You said You wouldn't. Lies about what You had told other people. Heck, i recently found out that even though You told me i was no slave, and couldn't be a slave, that You told others i was Your slave. i also still hold a grudge about how far Your personal growth took You, and how i backed You up in it, but You held me back and wouldn't even try some of the stuff that i wanted to explore.

i have done some personal growth since You died. i am cooking now, and finding my feet in trying new recipes. i have taken the MIT and Dad camping twice now. We are planning a third trip in Nov. i am back to going to the diabetic clinic, and i have made a few commitments in regards to that. i am eating yogurt at every meal. i am getting my blood work done every 3 months. i am eating lunch 3-4 times a week. i am checking my blood sugars about 2 times a day. That one is really hard for me, but i am trying. i am going out more. Well, when i can afford it. i am even seeing someone pretty regularly. He is nice, and kind, and very new. The situation is more open than it was with You and B. Heck, his wife likes me coming over and spending time with them both. Still, it just isn't the same.

i miss the intensity You and i had. The way our energies seemed to mesh. The way we played and i could feel You with every stroke. Gods i could use that again. You hooking me up in the basement. All our hard toys hitting my skin. me taking all Your energy and loving it. You teasing me and hurting me. my head lost in the pain and in You. Your marks on my skin from the cane or the Kiss. You cutting into my skin, and then lighting it up. i miss that so much. i so need that. He and i don't play that way. He isn't ready for it.

Yes, i am lost in my feelings today. i have been for the last few days. i have even sprayed Your pillow again. i am running out of Your cologne. Your smell relaxes me, and calms me. It is the closest thing to having You here with me, in bed.

9 years ago i met You, and You changed my life. i love You.

A week in review

Last weekend went great. We had a great time going camping. Sure it was chilly, but we had the heater and a nice fire to keep us warm. Add the bonus of a nice sunny Sunday and a slightly sunny Saturday, and we had a great time. MIT tried fishing again. He got bored again. We did get to see gaggles of Canadian Geese fly in and land on the lake. Now there is a sound that is undescribable. Even Dad enjoyed that part. There was no rain. It was great. The only problem was after we had packed up and were ready to go. The Beast (van) didn't start and we had to wait for CAA to save us. Oh, and yes we are going again in November. i know some people will think we are crazy, but we are all enjoying the quiet, the undivided attention of each other, and the learning how to survive in that kind of weather. i can actually see us possibly doing this every month (well, we will see). i know that next year we will be doing more camping. It is just fun.

After getting back from Camping, i found out my friends got together and did a head shaving. God i was hurt. No one talked to me about it. i could have done it while camping and had Dad and the MIT help me. It would have added something to the weekend. It isn't just that though. i am the kind of person that will sit back and wait for someone to ask for help. i put out the offer, and then let them come to me. i don't want to be over crowded when i am going through a crisis, so i try not to do that to others. They haven't really called. On top of that, i haven't heard from L&D since camp or since the announcement about D. i have left messages, but heard nothing. i probubly insulted them again, but they aren't telling me. Same as last year i take it.

News about D is not good. D isn't getting any better. She is getting worse. She isn't strong enough for chemo. It is a wait and see now.

News about the MIT isn't good. He is seizing more and more. He seized at least 4 times on the camping weekend. We have upped His meds. He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know. He is convinced He doesn't have seizures, because i have said all these years that His AHC wasn't seizures. He isn't ready to know He is getting worse. The school has noticed. They have seen Him using His chair more and more. The thing i see every day, is my child dying. The more seizures, the more chance of stuff going wrong, and the prognosis at this point is more seizures until He dies. This sucks

Other than that, this week has been quiet. Nothing really happening here at home. i have been taking care of the house. i have been doing dishes. i have been doing laundry. i have been taking my meds. i have been watching my blood sugars lower. That feels good. i have been vacuuming and stuff. The house actually feels tidy and clean. i have been heating the house with candles again.

The only exciting thing was that M and La and baby girl came over Tuesday night. It was nice having them all here. Today i am going to their place for some quiet and alone time with M. Plus, tomorrow i don't have to come home early, so will get to spend some time at the hobby shop watching, and maybe participating in a few Magic games.

OK, time for a shower and to get dressed and to finish packing up my stuff for the treck out.

From Last time (Sept 5-7)

Here are some photos from the last camping trip.....

Baba and MIT around the fire

Our camping site

Baba and the MIT eating hotdogs

Baba and MIT fishing (first time)

3 friends camping

Eating Breakfast

Me camping

Another Camping Weekend....in this weather????

Yes it is another camping weekend. One for the MIT again. One we planned a few weeks ago. All because i created a camping monster back in September. Really. i am looking forward to it. Even knowing, now, that the weather is going to be so damned cold. Even after this happened......

Yes, that is hail. It hailed yesterday. Today it is supposed to rain for a bit. Today it is only supposed to get up to 11C. Tonight it is to be a balmy 7C. Yes we have a heater. Yes it is packed. Yes i actually packed the extension cord. Yes we should have some heat during our little experience. Dad is bringing the money for firewood. We are going to use a lot. This time i have even packed myself a mug so i can have tea and hot chocolate while the boys have coffee. And, i am packing lots and lots and lots of blankets and fuzzy socks just for me.

Meals are going to be easy. Tonight is hamburger and hotdogs. Saturday is eggs, bacon, sausages, then salmon and tuna sandwiches, then hamburgers and hotdogs. Sunday is pancakes. i have a feeling i will want something warmer. i am thinking of packing the dutch oven and making stew or something for Saturday dinner for me. Something warm i can wrap my hands around. Then again, i could just bring what is frozen in my freezer from the last time i made stew.

It is funny how excited the MIT is about this. i think it is the undevided, non-electronic distraction idea of it all. If i could figure out a way to get Dad to go camping in November, i wouldn't mind going next month. Then again, i would also get to complain about how cold it is, and will have to master dutch oven cooking.

Last weekend was hell. MIT had a 3 hour seizure. We didn't take Him to hospital. Instead my Mom looked after Him while i went to a Magic tournament with M. i just couldn't let Thelma look after Him. She has no idea of all the different types of seizures there are, and wouldn't know what to do with Him. So in comes Mom and Dad to the rescure, so i could have some i looked after baby girl the entire time and it was nice. i like relating to a 2 year old when i am stressed out. That is all we did. We played inside the Beast. We had lunch together, and we waited for her father. After that, we headed back to Welland. It was nice there too.

When the MIT came home, He seems just fine. Mom did say that He was lathargic after the seizures were over, for almost 5 hours.

This week i was a good girl. i had my blood work done. i hate getting blood work done. i am waiting on the results. i have to call the diabetic clinic so i have enough meds to last me until the section 8 comes through. The government takes so long.

Not being able to see M this weekend is killing me. i am actually really missing Him. Yes i saw Him last weekend, along with baby girl, and then later with La, but still, i miss Him. i miss Him here, alone with me. We won't be getting that time together next weekend. Next weekend is going to the Niagara party. Well maybe. We talked about it last night, and it might work out that we get alone time that night. i miss alone time.

He wants to get me comfortable about sitting on His lap without freaking out. Yes He is a big boy, but still, i don't like it. i feel like i will crush Him. Like i will hurt His leg. Like i will kill Him or something. Logically, i know it won't be that way. Hell, He can lift me up. There is just something i can't wrap my head around. He wants to work on it with me, because He wants to cuddle like that, especially at His place, where there isn't a couch. We will figure it out.

As of right now, i am going to head off to bed, so i can be lively around noon, head off to get gas and smokes, then be ready for Dad to be here and pack up the van. Then, once the MIT gets home, we are off to camping.

Wish us luck and hope, for my sake, i actually bring enough stuff to keep us warm.

Day 6 of the sick that won't quit

The MIT has been off school after coming home from my parents, with a cold. Well, i would call it a cold, but it has included a fever, and has been ongoing since Sunday. He hasn't been eating. He hasn't been drinking. He hasn't been acting up to the point i am getting annoyed enough that i think he is well. He has been sitting in front of the TV, taking naps when told to, and taking meds without any argument. This is not the MIT who is well. This is the MIT that is sick.

For me, i haven't gotten it. i have been careful. i have been drinking my tea, and eating healthy foods. i have made stew, i have made chicken pot pie (yes from scratch sort of). i have only napped when He has. i have been keeping up on the housework. i have been the "super-mom" that i can be when things aren't going my way.

i gave E her reflexology session. i miss doing treatments. i miss having clients. i miss using my skills and helping people. i keep trying to advertise myself. i don't know how else to do it. i am listed on the OCR website. i have given a card to my doctor so she can refer people to me. i have an add on kajiji. i have it listed in my profile on facebook. i have a listing on Witchvox. Where else do i advertise it? Should i list as a vendor at one of the Fet Fairs? Should i list as a vendor at the one event i will be going to in Niagara? Should i list it on Fetlife? i just don't know how else or where else to advertise. i know i want to keep doing it. i know i want to get enough frequent clients that i can call myself a business one day. i just don't know how to get from here to there.

Today is groceries and shopping. Then off to therapy. Part of me wants to just stay home with the MIT and do nothing, but groceries are needed, as i am still in the mood to do actual cooking. Shopping is so i can connect more with M, and have reading material for camping. Therapy...well, i never want to go. i know i need to go. i know i should go. i just don't want to go.

Well, i guess that is all that is going on in my little world today. Tomorrow i get to see M again. We are going to a Magic tournament. Maybe he will be sleeping over. i hope so. Him sleeping over means someone to cuddle with, pain to be had, and just quiet grownup time. We will see how it goes. i hope he can sleep over. If not, i will survive, and maybe head back his way with him. i do like him. A lot. i do like spending time with him. A lot.

A nice weekend...and a nice acceptance

This weekend i actually went to M's and La's place. i hadn't gone to their place yet, and thought it was about time that i spent the gas money to see M, and not just him using his gas money to see me. i was nervous. i was worried. Heck i was even scared. i was going to be in the company of M, his daughter, and his wife, for all of Saturday and most of Sunday. i wasn't sure how the dynamic would be pulled off.

So, i arrived Saturday. The baby girl was asleep, and M was there with open arms, a hug, kisses and nibbles. We did a lot of that. Eventually we woke the baby girl, and he went to get La from work. i stayed with baby girl so they could have some quiet time together, and so they could get some groceries without her being a pain. Baby girl and i had a good time together. i like being around a 2 1/1 year old. i get to be more of a kid. i also get to be a friend. i did do something foolish. i got baby girl to help me clean up a bit, something M and La have had problems getting her to do. i spouted off about it when they got home. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i was seeking approval, but ended up making La feel like a bad mom. i made sure not to do that the next day. We had a good evening. M made a nice dinner. We all ate quietly. La and M bathed baby girl. La and M put her to bed. La and M discussed the sleeping arrangements. The decided all 3 of us would be in the same bed. La went to bed early. We all ended up in bed earlier than we all normally do. While La was settling, M and i fooled around in the living room.

Now, here is something completely different, and something i never thought i would have thought possible, especially by me, but M had multiple orgasms. 3 to be exact. All in a row. He never got soft, and i didn't stop sucking. 3 times. i can't believe it. i have never had that reaction from a guy. Then again, i am used to older men. But man it was cool. We ended up going to bed shortly after. He was totally exhausted. i slept at the end of the bed, at E's feet. He slept with his feet on the pillows and used me as his pillow. It was really cool. i want a king size bed.

Sunday morning was good. We all lazed in bed listening to baby girl play. Eventually we each got up. La made baby girl's breakfast, and i fed her, so La could have some more quiet time. M lazed in bed a bit longer. After breakfast, M dragged me back to the bedroom while E and baby girl watched a movies. We fooled around a bit. He got all toppy on me. It was cool. i got all nervous about La walking in on us, so he slowed down for my comfort. Later, they talked about what would have happened, and La said she would have just giggled and walked away. La had her shower while baby girl and i played, and M watched. Then it was my turn in the shower. Then M's turn. Then it was time for me and M to head out.

We went to a gaming store. M has a standing appointment at the store to play Magic. Magic is a card game. He has taught me a little, and i understand on a basic level. Watching him play with two others that know what they are doing was cool. His excitement shined through. So did his confidence. It was like when Mike and i would go bowling. Something outside of the BDSM stuff, where we could be "normal" people. We couldn't touch each other or show any signs of affection. The people there know La, and know he is married. We didn't think they could handle the idea that La and M are poly. i really did enjoy myself. We headed back to the apartment after a few games were played, to a dinner cooked by a happy La, and a very happy baby girl. La filled us in on how her day went, and we sat down to a good meal. Then it was time for me to get going.

i couldn't believe it. La pouted. M pouted also, but i didn't expect E to be upset that i was leaving. She likes me. She really likes me. She likes that i make M happy. She likes that i can play with baby girl and not try to take over. She likes that i defer to her, and not try to play "who is alpha" with her. She likes me. M didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to leave much either. i liked the feeling of warmth and acceptance there. i like that i wasn't in town. i like how it was a mini vacation for me. Eventually i did leave. i got home safe and sound, and called to let them know.

Overall, the weekend was cool. i couldn't have intercourse because i had a PAP scheduled for Monday, but i got to feed. i got to feed a lot. i got to orgasm a lot also. He likes watching me when i orgasm. It is unnerving to a person that is easily embarrassed by her facial expressions, and that is exactly the type of person i am. He likes it though, so it makes it easier. He also likes that part of me i totally don't like. He thinks is it sweet. i think it is hideous. It is weird for me to be with someone that so totally finds me attractive. Weird / different, not weird / odd.

When the MIT came home, He came home sick. He stayed home from school today. He came to the doctor's with me. i had my PAP done, and have my paperwork for my blood work (a commitment i made at the diabetic clinic last week). my blood pressure was good, my weight is down. The cut on my breast is healing nicely. It was a good appointment. Then the MIT and i went and got some stuff from the grocery store. With it being the equinox, i made stew with potatoes, carrots, and rutabaga. We also have apples for apple crisp tomorrow.

i am cancelling giving E a reflexology treatment tomorrow. With the MIT being sick, and home, it wouldn't help her much. Also, i don't want to expose her or D to the MIT's cold. D's immune system is probably compromised, and i don't want to make things worse. i think i will actually call E and ask her what she would like to do. She may be desperate enough to still want the treatment, and to get the time away from her house. i just don't want to make things worse for her, P or D. (ok, called and E still wants the treatment, and i still want to see her because i miss her, and so we are on for tomorrow)

It was a good and nice weekend, and different than i have ever experienced. i am glad i am seeing/being with M. i am liking being with someone again. i am enjoying the acceptance from La. i am happy, and i am enjoying that too.

Moving forward?

i did something today i never thought i would do. i deleted Mike's numbers from my cell phone. No more Mike Home, Mike Work, Mike Cell, Mike Kingston, Mike WCell. They are gone from my cell phone memory. i guess it was time. That was my thinking seconds ago when i did it. Now, i am missing them not being in there.

i know it is another stage in healing myself, in accepting what happened. i know He won't be answering any of them. Just having them programmed in was a comfort. It isn't like i could reprogram them anyways. i don't have any of those numbers written down anywhere. Not that i know of anyways.

Time is moving on. i seem to also be moving forward.

Monsters

i have created a monster. A camping monster. Yes the MIT so enjoyed camping, that we are going again in October. He wants to go every month. Yes, even the winter months. Try to explain to Him that it is very cold going camping in the winter, and He says "so what". He says "but the fire will keep us warm", or "the tent will keep us warm". Heck with the way the weather has been lately, October will be cold. Even in the sun. November? i don't think so.

Right now, my Dad is "fixing" the tent. He has waterproofed it, and patched the only hole in it. He is also excited about going camping again. He is planning on hunting for warms before we leave so maybe we will have better luck with the fish. i think they will not be so hungry. i think the fish will be sleeping. OH, and talking about excited about us going, so is my Mom. Heck, she is paying for it. She suggested it. i think she really enjoyed the weekend off.

i am totally going to enjoy it. i love sitting around a fire when it is cool out. Jeans, sweatshirt, fuzzy socks. Even if we don't go fishing, or do anything but sit around a fire all day, i will be a happy camper. This time i will actually bring a book to read. i am also going to be packing another mug, so i could have hot chocolate while the boys are having coffee.

On the dating front, things are going well. We don't get to see each other as often as He would like, but i am cool with it. i like having a life away from Him. He is also moving really fast with His feelings. i am actually having issues with the 0-200 when we are together. i don't' mind pain, but i need to get into the mindset. The instant biting once He arrives, is a little hard for me. His constantly needing to touch me, to be in the same room with me, the big need to kiss ALL the time is getting, smothering almost. i am not looking for problems. i am just hoping He will be able to calm things down a bit. i don't mind being His chew toy, but i do long for more.

i long for my hair being pulled. i long for a spanking. i long for orders. i long for being told what He expects of me. i know He is new. i know He isn't used to all this. i know He isn't used to being able to act on His fantasies. Heck, i wish He would share some with me, so i know where His head is.

Instead, i am putting my head back into that space where i do and accept what is being done to and with me as a service. That what i am doing and how i am acting is a reflection on Him. That what i am doing and how i am acting is an act of submission. That the submission is really what i am craving and i am getting that by being His chew toy.

Gods i hate writing catch-ups

But, i am going to do so again.

The MIT is back at school. Things are going ok with that. He is still having trouble with His body since the medication change. He is able to voice how He is feeling more. He is crying when He is sad. He is going outside and screaming when He wants to hit Himself, others, or things. He has had some rough times, but those are changing. It is nice to see positive changes in Him.

Something that helped, is i took Him and my Dad camping this past weekend. We went camping in a tent. We left on the Friday and came home on the Sunday. It rained Friday night, after we went to sleep, and again on Sunday while we were packing up. Other than that, the weather was great. We took the MIT fishing. He hated it. He thought it was boring. It didn't help that we didn't catch anything. At least it was an experience. A positive experience at that. He has come home much more relaxed. He has come home much more positive. i am glad we went. We all needed the time together. i need to keep building experiences with Him. i need to give Him as many positive times as i can. As many adventures as i can. He needs it. i need it. i need it for later. i need it for when the time comes.

D is sick. D is very sick. D is going to die. D has cancer. It is in the lungs, it is in the brain, it is in the lymph nodes. All that can be done is to keep D comfortable. She is surrounded by love. She will be surrounded by love and positivity. i am sad. i am angry. i feel like i don't have the right to feel so sad and angry about this. D's family, my friends, deserve that right. i am a friend. i worry about her, but i do not have to be there all the time. i am there for when they all need me, want me, need help, want help, or just an ear, lap, shoulder, or hug. Until they need me, i sit here. i sit back and wait for the call that they need my presence. i give them the space they need to process all that has happened, is happening now, and will happen too soon.

On other fronts, i am dating. Yes, i am seeing someone. i met M at a play party. i met M's wife, La. i met M's friends. i met M. He is new to doing this. i am not so new. He is younger. i am not so younger. i am enjoying seeing Him. i am enjoying the feelings of passion again. i am enjoying the feeling of opening myself up to someone again. i am enjoying one experience with Him at a time. Heck, i am even enjoying missing Him when He isn't here. i get to see Him on Saturday, with La and Their daughter. We are going to a festival together. All three of us. i wear His marks. i wear His bites. i enjoy the feeling of the pain again. The pain given by someone i like being with, longer than a party night.

With Him, i don't feel like an extra. i am one. i am His alone. He decides if He wants to share me. He decides. i offered that to Him, and He accepted. He has already exercised that right. Twice actually. It feels good. It feels nice knowing i am one. i am not a play thing to add to an established relationship. i am His, outside His circle. i am not a third. i am not a second. i am His only. La has others. La doesn't need or want others. La is happy for us. La and i talk about stuff. La is with Him, but i am His alone. It feels right. i feel right again. i feel like me again.

Home from Camp (day 63 of summer vacation)

Camp was different, and kind of weird this year. It was fun. It was interesting. i totally enjoyed myself.

Arriving first on Thursday, the only one there from my group was cool. i got to unpack my stuff, set up my cabin, and just sit back and relax. i did have moments when i thought i had to do stuff (like in the past) and had to keep telling myself i wasn't working this year. i started my fire. i sat out in the fresh air. i read my book. i listened to the quiet. It was great. Slowly more from my group showed up. L&D were first. Next came H&D. Then there was rain. i was able to keep my fire going during the entire storm. Now that felt cool.

i had made plans with J about meeting up with him at his cabin, with dinner and blankets and stuff in hand. Of course, i didn't know when he would be arriving, or what cabin he would be in. While it was raining, i saw this big guy wandering past my cabin. i called out "Jared?" and he came right over. i stood up, and His approach just bowled me over. i so dropped at that point. He grabbed my hair, kissed me, and asked me where i was. i know i was nervous. i was in "kiddy" mode. i told Him about the frog i found. It was nervous energy.

He told me that he expected me at His cabin, with food and His bed made. God i was so "there". i was in that moment. i was at peace and comfortable. i did what i was told. i packed dinner into the van, and i headed over to His cabin. i made the bed, and set out a plate of dinner and a can of cold pop for Him. And i waited. (He was helping A with her floating tent) When we were able to get a moment together (A and M were going to be staying with Him that night, because of the rain) we were right back to that space where i was on my knees, and getting my hair pulled and feeling like i belonged there. God that felt good. Eventually i left, as they were going to settle for the night. i went back to my cabin and relaxed and enjoyed the rain, and the fire, and headed off to bed.

Friday started ok. i started my fire again. i made breakfast while L&D&H set up the cooking tent and H's selling tent. i actually cooked over an open fire. i cooked eggs, bacon, pemeal bacon, and sausages. i did them in steps so that people were able to eat while they worked. J came over and asked me how long i would be. i said i would be about 1/2 hour. He said to go to A's site in one hour. i agreed (ooooops). 1 1/2 hours later, i finally left my site, took J breakfast, and waited for Him at His cabin. This was not a good start. He ended up going over to my cabin looking for me, had a bit of a confrontation with H&L and then came to find me. J and i had to talk. i was reminded that He knew my priority was the group, and needed me to communicate better, when i was available to be with Him, and do what He and i needed to do. Unfortunately, this set up a bit of a "road block" as far as H (especially) and L were concerned. (H never did get over it)

Friday was a bad day for me. i kept saying i would do things, and didn't. i felt caught in the middle as far as the "responsibilities of the group" and what everyone else wanted to do. i felt loopy. i was lost and needed centering. i never really got there. i had told J i would be right back, and didn't return, but laid down instead (that was when S&J arrived). i irritated J. i felt totally out of sorts. Things could have gone much better, but i really think i hit that cycle i sometimes do. The one where if i screw up, i continue, because i don't know how to ask for a way out, or help in getting out. (i really need to work on that). Eventually Friday night came together. J and i laid on His bed and worked on the demos. He told me what He expected of me. He and i wrote His handouts for the breath play demo. He used my back as His desk, while dictating to me. We played with the breath play so i knew what to expect. We talked about the blood letting demo, and what i was to expect. It was a nice centering, and "homey" place for me. J joined us all for dinner. P&E eventually showed up. There was laughter and i had my orders for the next day of demos.

Saturday i was up and ready to go by 6:00 am. i showered and dressed. i packed what i needed to keep at the demo sites. i was at J's cabin when i was supposed to be. i radioed L when she had wanted me to. i was great. i felt great. i was excited and anxious about the entire day. J was concentrating on what He needed to do. i was concentrating on what i needed to do. It was wonderful. L helped with the fear play. E did my after care for that while J still talked. Once He was done, He did my after care. We moved on to the breath play. (none of my group came to that) That was fun. i love breath play. He demonstrated different techniques on me. He had me floating. He made sure i was good after the demo. He made sure i got a kiss after my needing to walk away. He let me stay close when i needed, and He let me go away when i needed to, but always kept an eye on me. After the breath play, we had a bit of a break. i took a walk back to my cabin, and sat for a bit, and headed back up to the demo that i was most excited about.

Blood letting. i have never done that before. i had wanted to do it. i needed to do it. i wanted that sensation and pain. No one from the group showed again. That was ok. J was great. Sure He was concentrating on the actual demo. We didn't really connect during it. Well, at one point we really did. During the cut down was the best. It was still really great. It felt really wonderful. i have a beautiful set of stitches on my right arm. i have no bruising. i was floaty and totally on a high. We ended back at His cabin and laid down and relaxed and talked and talked. It was great after care. It was what we both needed. Eventually i left Him and headed back to my cabin to come down even more.

i am not ready to talk about after that. Things got really weird, and off center, and not great. Not with J, but with others. Maybe i will eventually be able to talk about it, but not likely here. Not yet anyways.

But, i am home. The MIT is with me. i have stitches in my arm, and love how they feel. i have a bruise on my right shoulder. i am still a little floaty. i had a good weekend.

Catching up yet again (Day 54 of Summer Vacation)

i don't even know when the last time i updated was. All i know is what has been happening recently.

1 - P&E - P&E went camping for over a week. i am currently babysitting 2 hamsters, and keeping an eye on Salem. The MIT went there Tuesday afternoon, to make sure Salem was doing ok. Salem probably has breast cancer. Right now, the plan is just to make sure she is comfortable. Tuesday she let me pick her up, and she went to eat while the MIT and i were there. We also picked up the hamster's balls so they could run around our house. The MIT doesn't like Fritz (female) but loves Seven (male).

2 - The MIT - On Tuesday night, after karate, the MIT came home full blown. He proceeded to have a 20 minute seizure, and then continued to seize on and off for 2 hours. i called 911, and He was taken to the hospital. There we stayed until Saturday afternoon. During that time, the MIT seized 2 more times, had an EEG that showed some spikes, and has had His med changed. He is now on Topamax. Well, starting Topamax. We are putting Him on it slowly. He is starting to show symptoms. He feels like His feet want to leave His body. He gets dizzy easily. Dad says the MIT looses His right side about an hour after taking his med. i will wait and see. i don't like that they sent us home on Saturday. i wanted Him in until Monday, just in case. At least with His getting out on Saturday, He was able to go to His grading. He now has a blue-stripe belt. He was so proud of it, He brought it home to me. i am really proud of Him.

3 - me - i am tired. i am stressed. i missed my therapy session because i forgot what time it was scheduled for. i am anxious. What if something happens while i am away? What if something goes wrong with the MIT's new meds? i do know not to live with "what if's" but i can't help it. They are in the back of my head. i am so tired. i can't seem to catch up on sleep, no matter how much time i am given. i want to cut so badly. i want to feel in control. my house isn't anywhere close to what i count as clean. i feel like there is just so much to do. i still have 2 appointments this week. One for therapy, and one with the doctor. Add to that, preparations for camp.

4 - Camp - For most people, there is only 4 sleeps until camp. For me, 2 sleeps. One on Tuesday evening, and one on Wednesday evening. i haven't gone shopping for everything, or anything, yet. i haven't started to gather stuff. Tomorrow i will be starting that. i still have a tunic and maybe a toga to make for J. i still have to learn how to roll. i want to be able to relax starting Thursday. i want to go and just "be". i am looking forward to pain. Sure it is by a hand i haven't even met yet, but at least i know i will feel pain. Yes, i am excited, but i am also worried. i am worried i won't have the money i need to buy what i need for camp. i am worried i will forget stuff. i am worried i will be so tired by Thursday, that i won't want to participate in anything to do with camp.

i guess that is all i need to catch up on. i am going to go and watch the Olympics. At least i have something to watch all night.

Catching up a bit (day 40)

Not much has really been going on, but i do have a few good things that have happened.

The MIT is going to be testing for His new belt on August 9th. Yes, He has actually been asking to test, and is going for it. i am so proud of Him. Every time He goes to karate, He looses one side, or more. It is a struggle for Him. He is having fewer and fewer good days. He asked to be tested in the middle of His class the one day, and the beginning of the class the other. That was the only way His body was able to complete the process. i am glad He is more Himself again. He hasn't talked about hurting Himself for a while. He is taking compliments more. It is nice to see the change in Him.

i have a "date" for camp. i volunteered to help with one demo and am now helping with two. Plus, the Guy who is doing the presentations is going to be hanging out with me for most of the weekend. Things have gotten a little weird about one thing, and i have to confront it. i have to say to Him that i do not want to top that weekend. It is a weekend for me to be me. Not the me someone wants me to be, but who i am. So far we have communicated well. i guess i will see how it goes when we talk about the topping thing. At least i know i will get cut, and sutured (something i haven't had done before). That part is going to be really fun.

That guy i met from online, well, that is over. i doubt i will ever hear from him again. It is ok. i didn't really feel a connection with him. When i do get into a relationship, i want that connection. i want those sparks, i want to be bowled over. i will find it again. i am not worried.

i haven't heard from L&D since the birthday. Even before that, the MIT and i had emailed them, and never heard anything back. i have left 2 messages in two weeks, and nothing. Add to that, the fact i know L has been in town at least once since i last saw here, and i am getting pissed. For some reason, it is ok for L&D to ignore me, but not ok if i was to ignore them. i have even left a message saying that we need to talk, and nothing. my first reaction is to think i did something wrong again, but nope, i am not going there. i know in my heart i have done nothing wrong. i don't understand how one day L can say she doesn't want things to change between us, but then the next, i hear nothing from them. Not even when they are in town. Nothing. i am past feeling jealous. i am up to feeling under appreciated and angry. Add to that the fact that L has my sewing machine, and i am needing it to make myself something to wear at camp, because i don't know if She has done what She said She would do. i don't know if She has made me a few stollis or not. Even then, i also want at least one tunic. It would make packing so much easier. i just don't know what to do with them. i call, i email, i hear nothing. It is all rather frustrating.

P&E can't seem to catch a break. K's surgery went well, and they were able to breath again. That was until P had the car accident, and now Salem may have cancer. They just can't catch a break. i wish i had the power to make it so nothing bad would happen to them, for about a year. That way they could get caught up with bills, breath and enjoy each other, breath and enjoy an entire year. They deserve it. They deserve that kind of break.

i am worried about the fact that i haven't had a period since April. The doctor did an internal, and is sending me for an ultra sound. She didn't say anything about the internal. i guess i wait for the ultra sound. i am feeling a little better emotionally also. i think it is because i am letting myself cry when it comes up. i am catching up on sleep while i can. Yesterday was full of sleep. So much, that i didn't sleep all night. i woke-up at 10:30 pm, and stayed awake until 11:30 this morning. Since then, i napped from 11:30 until 2:00. i will lie down again in about 1/2 hour so i can be awake tonight.

Well that is it.

Weekend of sleep (Day 31)

The MIT was at Rygiel last night. Finally a full night of sleep. Plus i get to sleep all day today and all night tonight. i doubt that will happen. Too much sleep can be a bad thing. i will be sleeping a whole lot.

i met someone on CollarMe last night. He came over for coffee (and for those that know my coffee making skills, he brought one from Tim Horton's for himself). It was nice to meet someone that believes relationships are built on friendships. All we did was talk. Well, he talked and i listened. i listened a lot. i don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, that he reminds me of Mike. What i do like is that i am actually open to meeting new people, and putting myself out there for others to meet. It is a nice change from just sitting back and doing nothing and wallowing in being alone.

Being a lonely submissive sucks. Well, it sure does for me. i am sure there are those out there, that enjoy their Independence, and are ok with being single. Just like there are women out there that enjoy being single. i am not one of those submissives anymore. i miss having a partner. i miss the intimacy of being with someone. i miss feeling like i can sit at their feet. i miss feeling free.

Anyways, today is about sleep and rest and doing what ever i want to do. i am really going to enjoy today.

Lost It (Day 30)

i have lost all energy. i am sleepy all the time. i have no time to really sleep. What sleep i do have is wracked with weird dreams. i have no energy to go outside, do dishes, water plants. To do anything really. i am so tired. i don't want to get out of bed, when i finally do get some sleep. i don't want to eat. i don't want to cook. i don't want to look after my plants. i actually looked at my plants wilting, and just didn't give a damn. Doing anything with the MIT isn't even a thought. i don't want to take Him anywhere. i don't care if He or i go outside. i just don't care about anything any more. i have given up.

i am hoping it is just the sleeplessness. i am hoping it isn't full blown, drowning depression. Actually i know it is the depression. i have those thoughts again. Ones where i am done, and waiting to just be able to die. To kill myself without guilt of leaving the MIT. i still have a plan. i have picked out the clothes i want on my body when i die. i have written the note to go with my death. i have the entire plan. i am just waiting for the right time.

It is sick that the dream i had of the MIT's death actually filled me with hope. Hope that it was all ending soon. Hope that i could just die. How sick am i to find hope in my Son's death? Not even hope for Him, to be able to not have to deal with His disorder. Just hope and calm for me to finally get what i want. So much for no guilt. At least not right now anyways.

Yeah, i have hit that point again. i wonder how far into the summer it was last year. Maybe i will go back and look. i am thinking it is longer than last year. i am thinking i have been able to keep it at bay more easily. It doesn't really matter i guess. The fact that i am back in that place is the important part. Next is how to deal with it.

Getting more sleep isn't an option. i get to sleep on set days. Even then the days aren't really set. Stuff can get in the way.

Tuesday nights from 4:30-6:30pm 7-10pm
Wednesday nights from 5-10pm
Thursday nights from 6-8:30pm
Friday nights from 4-8pm
Saturdays from 10-3pm 4:30-Sunday at 8:00pm

Those are the times set in stone that i have the opportunity to sleep. Then there are times i am so over tired, i can't get to sleep. Then there are the times i have to do running around during those times because the MIT isn't able to do some stuff with me. Then there are times i need to just do something. Something like going outside and reading, or being around kids other than the MIT. Something that makes me feel like i am actually part of the world other than that of the MIT's. The debate is always there. Sleep or pleasure. Too bad i can't get both at the same time.

This weekend is slightly different. This weekend i have from Friday at 9pm-Sunday at 5pm. That is right, it is Rygiel weekend. A weekend of the MIT being away for two nights in a row, and the opportunity for me to sleep for 44 hours. Of course that doesn't include times to be awake for food, or pee breaks, driving time, or shower time. This time it feels to overwhelming. The idea of that much time alone feels like too much. At least when it is a shorter amount of time, i am not worried about following my plan. (Ok, back to feeling demented again. i want to die, but am scared i actually will do the deed. How weird.)

Well, time to find something to watch so i can stay awake, when all i want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. Not worrying about if the MIT wakes up or not. Not worrying what anyone would think if i let it happen. Just a long blissful sleep.

Relief (Day 27)

Everything went well yesterday. The MIT even went into a pool. It was a great party. Food was wonderful. Company couldn't be better, except for a few missing in parenting action. A very nice day.

Just a bad dream on Saturday.

Nightmare, or Dream? (Day 26)

i couldn't write this yesterday. That is when it happened. i needed a full night's sleep to process it. i was napping. i know i was napping. It was the only way i could have seen this. i dreamed about the MIT's death. i dreamed that it happened today. (dream in italics)

my Mom and Dad called. They had called 911 and were waiting for the ambulance. The MIT was doing that passed out, non-responsive thing. i was driving over there and then called them on my cell to find out when the ambulance got there and were leaving. i made my way to the hospital. Mom and Dad met me at the waiting room. i was not allowed to go into the emergency area. Something happened in the ambulance. He stopped breathing. i fought to be let in. They wouldn't let me in to see Him. i reminded them that i would not get in the way. That i just needed to be on the other side of the curtain. That i needed to be with my son, and that being in the waiting area was making me worse. They let me passed the locked door. They let my parents come with me. My Sis showed then, and they let her in too. After waiting what felt like forever, they let me in to see Him. He was on a respirator. He had wires to the heart monitor. He had IV's. He was not fighting the respirator. He was so pale.

i went out for a smoke. i left Mom and Sis with Him. i needed to make calls. Today was the party for M&S. We were supposed to go there today. i called P and E, telling them we couldn't make it. i explained the MIT was in the hospital. i asked them to let L and D know what was going on (i did not explain about the MIT's stopping breathing and being on the respirator) and to give M&S our love. i told them they could call me on the cell if they needed to talk to me.

Dad and i went back in, and were met by Mom and Sis. The MIT was getting worse. His blood pressure was dropping. His heart was having trouble keeping up. They were moving Him to ICU. They were going to get an emergency EEG done. They didn't know what was going on in His head. i wasn't allowed to go with Him. i didn't care. i went into the area, and stayed there. i was not going to miss saying hello when the MIT woke.

We were taken to ICU. It was about 2:00 pm by now. They wanted me out of the room while the hooked Him up to everything. They tried to distract me by asking me questions. i wasn't able to answer. my concentration was on the MIT. Mom and Dad answered the questions for me. i just wasn't going to leave Him alone. Not with nurses and doctors and people that didn't know Him. He needed me there. i needed to be there. i wouldn't go for a smoke. i wouldn't go for food. The staff were worried about me. my family was worried about me.

At 5:00pm, the MIT died. i wasn't there. They moved me out of the room. They set to work on Him. They shocked Him. They pumped more meds into Him. They never did get the EEG. They did all they could. He wasn't there anymore.

Even in the dream i was in a cloud. i called P and E and told them. They told L and D. i don't know who else they told. They wanted to know where i would be. Would i be at home alone? Would i be at my parent's house? They wanted to see me when they got back. i told them i was fine. i know my voice sounded hollow. i told them i wanted to go home and be alone, but my parents were taking me to their place. my Doctor called. She wanted me in the hospital under observation. my parents said no. They said what happened next was totally up to me.

The next day i was taken home. i answered phone messages. i wasn't really in my head. i felt lost. i picked out the MIT's clothes. Red shirt. Green pants. Tony Stewart cap. i told Mom and Dad that He was to be buried with His green pillow and Papa blankie. i called Karate. i told them what happened. They wanted Him to get a black belt. i said He could be buried with it. Everyone wanted the details. When. Where. i couldn't give them any. i didn't know myself. i allowed Mom and Dad to handle that. i kept saying "no silk pillow, just His green pillow". People started to show up here. They wanted to be here. i wanted to be alone. i wanted everyone out of my house. i wanted to be here. i wanted to be in His bed. They wanted to be with me and make sure i was ok.

i woke up before the funeral. i woke up thinking He was dying. i woke up grieving for something that hadn't happened. i woke up crying. i called my Mom and asked how He was. i needed to make sure that He was fine. i needed to know that they would call me if something went wrong. Mom kept saying i could go over and check on Him. i couldn't do that. Not in the state i was in. i would have freaked Him out. i couldn't stop crying. i was sure it would happen. i am still leery about it happening. i won't feel better until He is here, and we are getting ready to go to the party.

For now, everything is normal. Mom and Dad have Him. i am getting ready for the drive and party. i know in my head that none of this will happen today. my heart is not quite sure.

Just another day (day 23)

Today is just another day. Things are good. Things are moving slowly around here. We aren't in any hurry to do anything. We wake-up when we want. We eat when we are hungry. We get dressed slowly. It is a nice, slow, summer.

i am really enjoying the new thermostat. i can see exactly what the temp is in the house. i have used less a/c this year, than any prior year. This will surely help my hydro bill. It will also help my gas bill in the winter. That is a good thing.

The MIT is still hurting. i don't know why His hip has been hurting so much. i will have to ask the doctor today about it again. i am going to ask her to refer Him to a specialist. He needs to be able to walk without pain.

Today i will also be asking the doctor to refer me to the diabetic clinic at MUMC. i need their help. i am doing my best, and have made some really good changes, but i am still not able to handle my cravings. i need backup with that. i am currently eating the same breakfast every morning. variety at that meal is not an issue. The same thing is easy, and i feel comfortable with it. It is healthy and good for me, and i actually eat breakfast now. Lunches are my most difficult. i don't really know what to reach for. Dinners are ok, as long as i eat it late. If i eat it too soon, i start craving more and more food as the night goes on. That along with the no sleep seems to work really well.

Over the last week, the MIT has had a really rough time with His body. His right side was gone (off and on) from Thursday until Thursday, and then His body changed sides. His left side has been gone (on and off) since then. His balance is sucking. He falls even when both sides work really well. His physical milestones are just leaving Him. At least His social skills, and His cognitive abilities are growing. That sucks in its own way. He is more aware of how much His body is letting Him down.

Well, that is all for today. i have realized i write more in my written journal than here, and i get lost in what i actually post here verses what i write in there. i have been writing so much, i will soon need a new journal.

Proud moments (day 16 of summer vacation)

Yesterday was therapy day. i walked in panicky and hyper. i had so much i wanted and needed to say. my speech was quick. Some would describe it as manic. i didn't. Sandy sat and listened.

i told her how proud i was of myself for things i have done over the last couple of weeks. i told her about telling someone how i had been feeling. No beating around the bush. Straight out saying how i felt, and waited for the repercussions. (There was no repercussions other than us both telling the other how we felt, sorry was said, hugs were given, everything is good.) i told about how my neighbour has chosen me as her confidant, and trusts me in some of her secrets and in helping her when she needs it. (Ok, a bit of me being to trusting and giving of myself too. i can admit that.) i told of dealing with the bank, and getting money back that they had taken out and shouldn't have. i told of meeting Atlas and how i felt a connection with him. (He really is a great dog. Great enough that i realize how much i miss having a dog to talk to and walk. i really hate being allergic to them.) i spoke and spoke and spoke. Then Sandy cried.

We, then, talked about her role. How for her, seeing me being proud of myself, and giving myself little "yeah me" times and that such times were coming more and more. We talked about how she is proud of me, and i asked her if she does "yeah me" times. i even gave her a "yeah Sandy". Then i got anxious that she was saying we don't need to see each other anymore. i said as much and she gave me a "yeah wendy". We discussed how i still have a lot of things to work through. i made it pretty emphatic that i was not ready to go. We talked about the constant concern that i will kill myself. (Yes it is still a constant concern.) We talked about how special she sees me. We talked about how i didn't see it myself.

Today i am more proud of myself. i installed a programmable thermostat in my house. There was no way VP would do that. i need a way to save on my hydro bill. i is all programmed and all installed by myself. Here, take a look....

Isn't it pretty? Isn't it great? i love it. i love that i can program it so the air doesn't come on to early. i love it.

Ok, that is all for now. Back to watching a movie.