Father's Day, Garden, and other stuff

It has been a while since i last posted here. i have been writing in my pen and paper journal almost every day. Things are good. Things have sucked.

my back went out on the 7th, so i have been struggling with that. Oxycotton was my saviour. Add the fact that the MIT has been full blown at least an hour every day, and needing lifting or support, it has been a big struggle. i now have to get up an hour earlier every day, to stretch out my back and be able to move and help the MIT. i am now on plain alieve. That is a good improvement. The MIT has 2 more days of school, and then summer vacation is on. i have signed Him up for summer school, but won't know anything about that until around July 6. Until then, it is "entertain MIT" time. i do hope He is accepted in the summer school program. It will give me a break for at least part of the summer.

Today is Father's day, and i will be going to my parent's place for dinner. i have the presents from me and Sis. i have to wrap them up and take them with me. The MIT wants to give Dad something that isn't even out yet. i need to find a picture of it so the MIT can give Dad something.

Dad and i have been getting along well. He helped me fix my outdoor tap and hose. We are planning on building the gate together. It is going to be a daughter/daddy project. We haven't done one of those in years. i think i can even get Him to help me with the garden dilemma. He feels like i do, that my neighbours don't really know what they are doing.

my gardening is coming along. i am enjoying my herbs. i have summer savoury drying in my kitchen, and it smells great. Having chives to enjoy when ever i want is wonderful. The lemon balm is coming along nicely. The lavender isn't doing too well, but it is a perennial, so i don't expect to see very much for a while. i am waiting for the chamomile to grab hold. my neighbours and i are sharing my back yard for a veggie garden. i want to fix what they have done. i just don't have the money for it right now. i need to box in that garden and put more soil in it, so all the seeds don't keep getting washed away. i also want to till out the grass area, and lay sod. What i have now looks like shit. i want the entire back yard to be functional and good looking. i like where the veggie area is, and i want to be able to build in a flower garden near where i want the gate and stair. my biggest issue is that my eyes and head have bigger ideas than my bank account.

Camp is 2 months away. i am really looking forward to it. It is the first time "we" don't have to be the "go-to" people. i am hoping for a relaxing weekend. i know i have to start planning for that. i know i will be transporting 2 benches. i will also be transporting my own stuff. i wonder about what we are going to do about meals, and what i have to buy for that. Other than gas for the van, and food for a meal or two, i am not lacking equipment or supplies. Costs shouldn't be too bad.

i have been keeping my friends in my thoughts. K has surgery coming up on the 20th. It could be the C word. It might not. i am hoping for not. L&D are struggling with their new friend Atlas. Atlas needs training, and has a habit of getting away from them. Hopefully over the summer the MIT and i can go out there and meet this new friend. He sounds like one heck of a challenge. P is worried about K. E is worried about P and K. B is worried about K. Heck, everyone is worried about K. S, well, i have missed her, and am being a bad friend to her. i have lost track of how she is doing. Her health issues have a name, and now she is having to deal with it. She is doing better than i have. i am jealous of that. i am jealous of the fact that she is able to keep her sugars under control, but i just can't keep a handle on it. She has much more self control than i do. i am proud of her for that.

The reflexology situation sucks. i have advertised places (kijiji, school program) but i am getting no bites. Plus i have forgotten the entire procedure and need to use the book again. If you don't use it, you loose it. i tried to give E a session, but had not taken my book, and forgot so much. i need to do a "do-over" with her. i need to make the effort to go out and actually do it to E and P more often. They are in much need of it, and i need the practice. Sis has had me do sessions for her. She has one coming Monday.

i am still very happy with the scene i had with PM. i am glad we did it. It showed me that i can still "take" a lot. It showed me that i am still me deep down inside. It also showed me that i am wanted and attractive to some. i just don't know how much i want to put myself out there. People i know, i am comfortable with. Strangers, not so much.

Well, i guess that is enough venting. There are presents to wrap, cards to create. There is racing to watch, and a much needed shower to take.

i hope everyone has a good weekend.

Wow!!

i went to a play party on Saturday. It was the same one i went to 2 months ago. This time i went with someone. PM. She came to my house before the party. We had dinner together, and we talked about what would happen when we played. We talked about safe words, how we were going to communicate while we played. We went to my toy closet and we picked out a few toys for that night. We got dressed together. i took her picture in her leathers. Then we headed out.

i had been nervous before she arrived. Hell, i was nervous on the way there. This was going to be a real scene. This was going to be serious play. The last time that happened was with L, and that was in private. 2 months ago, it was not really a scene, but more a trial. This was going to be in public, with multiple toys, and with someone that wanted to play with me, and that i wanted to play with, and had wanted it for a long time.

We arrived and got settled into a spot. i went around and visited with some people. i went out for a couple smokes (with permission). Eventually it was time for the two of us to play. She had gotten possession of the cross. She came to get me.

She had me kneel in front of her, and reminded me of what we had talked about. She reminded me that we were going to have fun, and just go with the flow, and that if i had a problem, to do what we had discussed. She then had me stand up and take off what i was wearing. i threw it on the ground. Then i got the look and the "excuse Me?" She apologized for not letting me know that when she gets playing, she really gets into Dom mode. i picked it up, and i put it where she said, then she attached me to the cross. God it went well. She ramped me up and down. There was thuddy, there was stingy, there was harsh and there was soft. i got the giggles. i dropped. i orgasmed. i giggled more. i cried.

She let me cry. She held me and let me feel it. She didn't push me after that. She took me down and had me kiss her feet. We actually ended with that. It was the perfect ending. i helped her clean up and i went out for a smoke.

That was when i felt close to Mike again. i could smell His cologne. i thought it was my imagination. i smelled it again. It made me smile. i swear i could then feel His hand over my mouth and nose, just like He would do after a scene, taking my breath away. i tried to press into His hand, but it wasn't there. i could feel His other hand rub my arm, and His chest behind me, holding me up. i know it sounds weird, but that was how it felt.

It all felt so right. The evening, the play, the after stuff. It all felt like it should have. i felt at home again. i felt like me again. Not the "mommy" me. Not the closed off me. i felt like the me i was 2 years ago. The me that wasn't afraid of letting go. The me that wasn't closed off to submitting again. The me that new who and what i am.

i'm not so scared to be me again. i know He would be proud of me. i know that He would want me to feel this way again. i know that it is all ok now. i know i don't have to be single forever.

Therapy exercise 2 - What i have accomplished since Mike died

This is the second exercise Sandy wanted me to do over this week. Again, this is just beginning, and will probably grow over the next few days or so. (Not in any specific order)

• Becoming a certified reflexologist - i remember Mike not being very supportive of this idea at one point. i am proud of doing this
• Taking responsibility for taking my meds - i had turned this over to Mike. i shouldn't have. i have to have control over something before i can give it to someone else. Now i have control over it.
• Letting myself feel what and when i feel it - This was something i needed to work on way before Mike died. The fact that Mike died made the process of getting the help i needed for it quicker.
• Getting to know L&D better - Before Mike died, we weren't really big friends. After Mike's death, we were able to get together more and learn about each other more.
• Taking interest in my garden - This is becoming more of a therapy than i expected. i actually go out weeding and worry about all my plants

Therapy exercise 1 - What i miss since Mike died

So one of the things Sandy wanted me to do over the next week, was to come up with a list of all the things i miss since Mike's death. i figured i would start now, and when other stuff came up, i would edit it in later. (these are in no specific orders)

• Intimacy - The feeling of knowing what the other person was feeling and knowing that there was someone who could tell what i was feeling. The feeling of being able to just be me.
• Sex - should be self explanatory.
• Being a couple - Being a single sucks. Going to events alone. Being the only single in a group of couples sucks.
• Rules - Having a set of thing to do, ways to act, things to accomplish that i don't have to think up all on my own
• Going to events - Since Mike died, it is harder for me to go to events, especially since i go as a single person now.
• Reminders - Being able to blame Mike if i don't do what i need to do

being in pieces

So today was therapy day. Yuck. i couldn't help but cry. i didn't intend to. i don't know what i thought would happen. i knew we were going to be talking about the 17th, and how i handled it. i even brought my written journal with me to show Sandy. She wanted me to read it to her. i couldn't, and i broke down.

The rest of the hour was me trying not to cry, and not being very successful at it, and Sandy reminding me, that it was a safe place to do it, and a good time to go for it. Still, i fought it. i just didn't want to cry any more. i thought i was done with it for the month. i thought i was "over it". i was wrong. Even now tears are streaming down my face.

i am still so angry about His dying. i am still so angry about not being able to go and visit where His ashes were buried. i am still so angry about not knowing the results of the autopsy. i am still so angry with the way some people in the "community" handled His death and their needs. i am still so angry with all the lies i knew He told me. i am still so angry finding out all the truths He hid from me. i am angry He left me. i am angry i am alone to raise the MIT. i am angry i can't even listen to His explanations. i am angry about loosing a part of me when He died.

And i am sad. i am sad, sad, sad, sad. i don't like feeling sad. There isn't a "reason" around being sad. There is a "reason" around being angry. i just can't justify being sad. my brain just doesn't compute it. But sad is what i feel. So i guess i have to get used to it. i guess i have to get used to feeling sad. At least for a little while.

i made it to the other side?

So i survived last weekend. i cried a lot. i wrote a lot. That was about it.

i did what Sandy suggested. i kept my written journal with me all day. i kept writing in it. Little thoughts. Depressing thoughts. Anything that came to mind was written down. There was talking to Mike. There was talking to myself. i haven't read it since i wrote it. i don't know if i will.

What surprised me, looking back now, is how i was acting. i spent most of the day sitting on the floor. i didn't sit on the couch, or on a chair. i was either lying on my bed, lying outside, or sitting on the floor. i was sitting on the floor where i would have if He was here. i didn't even realize it at the time. It took until Sunday, after picking up the MIT, before i realized it.

This week has been hard. Still no nursing. Add in a sick kid. Add in no karate. That all totals too much time with my son LOL. i am tired. i am stressed. i am concentrating more on Him than on me. That is always a worry as far as Sandy is concerned. i know she is right. i need to spend time on me. Without the nursing, i just can't. With His being sick, i just can't. i guess that is what Sandy meant when she said she didn't think i would be able to let myself go crazy.

Today is the anniversary of Mike's funeral. Today we (P&E, D, H&D, Sis) were in Seeley's Bay (well close enough). Today we were listening to "Live Like You were Dying" by Tim Mcgraw. Today we listened to the Minister explaining that she didn't have all her notes and passages to read. Today we saw His truck again, but it had a car seat in it. Today we watched the box carrying His ashes. We didn't go to the cemetery. We did see people leaving the cemetery for a fire call. Today we were the only family of His that cried.

Today, i am enjoying the sun. Today i am enjoying the quiet of my house. Today i will be BBQ'ing steaks and burgers to put away. Today i am keeping an eye on the races. Today i am tired and stressed and ready to do as little as possible. Today i am planning for the week. Today i am just being me. It is nice to finally take time for myself.

Time for a reality check

Time for me to list all the things that make me happy. i think it is a perspective i really need right now.

• Spending mornings with the MIT watching TV series on DVD.
• Cuddles with the MIT.
• Figuring out what plants to put in my house, garden, and boxes.
• The way my family supports me.
• The way my friends support me.
• Spending time with my family (yes even if we fight a bit).
• Spending time with my friends (all of you. P&E, L&D, S, D&H, B).
• Playing with kids in the neighbourhood.
• The green in my house.
• Keeping my house somewhat clean and in order.
• Sleeping with Splotchy, My Baby Bear, Elli, Hippo, and Eeyore.
• Rocks.
• Flowers.
• Knowing that i am taking my meds every day, and when i am supposed to.
• Actually cooking (i know, this hasn't been one for a very long time).
• Sunshine (that is why i am opening my blinds every day).
• Making my bed every day.
• BBQ'ing.
• Lighting candles.
• The look on the face of the MIT when He finds out i will be letting Him stay up late to see a movie.
• The MIT hugging me and jumping up and down when He is happy.
• Looking at pictures of Mike.

So, yes, even in this time of grief, i can find things that make me happy. i have to hold on to these. It is a tool. i know that. i just have to remember it. It is hard. The grief feels so overwhelming. Remembering what makes me happy, or feel good on the inside, is hard to find sometimes. This morning, i needed to remind myself.

Still lost

Yesterday was hard. i was going to go to my Mom's for dinner, made and served by my Sis. This was to be the first Mother's Day i hadn't spent alone. The plan was great. i was even excited about it. Then it was getting time to go.

i felt it. my chest tightening. my breathing quicken. Sweat breaking out on my forehead. Feeling overly warm. The panic attack. i wasn't going to let it stop me. i needed to be able to do this. i needed to be able to leave the house. i needed to push myself past it. So out the door i go. Ready to spend dinner at the folk's place.

As i pulled up to the stop light, i see my Dad, with the MIT. i back up and head home, with them following behind me. i guess my Dad was overly frustrated with the MIT. my brain changed. i was in Mommy mode. i took charge. i took the MIT into the house and sent my Dad home. i called my sister and let her know what was going on. i got the MIT calmed down. i called my Mom and told her we were on our way.

i fixed everything. i got my act together quickly. That is the effect the MIT has on me. It is a "have to" situation (yes Sandy i can hear you groaning now). It is a time when how i feel, where my brain and heart are, have to shut off. It used to last long enough that i could just turn it all off for weeks. It isn't like that anymore.

By the time i got home, i was back in that lost, high anxiety place. i was back to thinking and feeling. Not good thoughts. Feelings are neither good or bad. i was and am back to being lost in grief.

From all i have learned from therapy, is to go with the feelings. Let myself feel them. They will pass. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like i am drowning in them. It feels like they will overcome me and send me into a spiral.

Today i have a meeting. i don't know if i will be able to function at this meeting. i don't even care if i do.

Dear Sir

It is only a week away. One week before the anniversary of Your death. i am reliving the pain and the hurt. i am reliving the grief. i keep reading our emails from back then. i keep reading the histories from our conversations leading up to that day. i keep reading the emails from friends from after that day. i keep reading emails from Bev from after that day. i don't want it to be real. i need it to be anything but real.

2 years ago we were so proud of the MIT. We were all going, as a family to the "Yes I can" awards. Our family. You, me, the MIT, my Mom and my Dad and my Sister and my Nana. The family You chose to spend Your time with. 2 years ago, Mother's Day was a celebration of Your upcoming birthday. 2 years ago, we were together, working on us, being us. 2 years ago, i was happy, i was alive, i was who i am supposed to be. i was Yours.

i am no one's. i am not submissive. i am not me. You made me feel like a person. i don't feel like that with You gone. i am a ghost, a shell. i am empty and alone. i need You so much right now. All i have of You is stuff. Not You. Just stuff. Meaningless stuff.

No arms to wrap around me. No sound of Your voice in my ear. No feel of Your body next to mine. No hand wrapped in my hair. No one to call when i need to feel myself again. No one to put me in my place. No one to calm me. No touch that sends me to my knees. No one that calls me Theirs. No one to lean against, to kneel at Their feet.

i am still Yours. In my heart i still belong to You. i still feel Your collar around my neck. i still wait for You to come in the door. i still look for You when i am with our friends. i still sit at Your feet watching TV. i still wait for You to come to me in the backyard in the middle of the night. i still want Your mark on my skin.

i haven't forgotten all the bad. i still remember that too. The lies still hurt. The finding out more lies still hurts. The knowing You couldn't or wouldn't stop hiding things from me. It is all still there, but it doesn't matter. i would take all the lies, all the hurt, all the pain of trying to work things out if You were just here.

When is it all going to be ok for me? When is May not going to suck so much? When will i be able to look at the coming day and not burst into tears from the pain of You leaving me so alone? When will it stop hurting so much?

Your slut. Your submissive.
lyxanna{TZ}

10 more days

i am now at the realization that what i am feeling is not sleep deprived, but actually depressed. Deeply depressed. Curl up in a ball, hide from the world, and loose myself depressed. i have been thinking of taking stuff to kill how i am feeling. Drinking, taking drugs, anything to stop feeling.

i am trying to do what i can to not fall so deep into the hole in front of me. i open the blinds every day to let what sun there is, in the house. i get dressed and make my bed every day. i cook every day. i keep up on dishes and laundry. Anything so i can avoid what i am feeling. Yeah, back to old patterns.

i just don't want to feel the gaping hole in my heart and head. i don't want to keep crying myself to sleep. i want to pretend that this isn't a bad month. i want to block all the hurt and pain. i just don't want to feel right now.

Beltaine and May

Tonight is Beltane. Tomorrow is May. i can't wrap my head around celebrating the coming of May, especially with it being focusing on fertility. i just can't go there.

It will be two years ago that Mike passed, on the 17th. i am missing Him a lot right now. i can tell you what happened on this night 2 years ago. i can tell you what was going on each day in May, including the day He died, and the day after He died. After that, things are a blur.

i thought i could handle May better this month. i thought May wouldn't be so hard. Instead i am sitting here, dreading the beginning of May. Crying my eyes out because He still isn't here. i just feel so lonely without Him.

Content....sort of

This weekend was great. It was relaxing, and enjoyable, and full of friends and fun.

Saturday was P's party. E finally pulled of a surprise for Him. First it was dinner at Tucker's, then going to a decorated house for cake and presents. There were 13 of us at dinner. L&D with M&S, me, Sh, K&B, and of course P&E with C&T, plus Br. Back at the house H&D, and LL did all the decorating. Other than Sh, who had plans that evening, we all headed back to the streamer and balloon filled house. P did really well on the gift front. Underwear with Jesus on the butt, a fisting pen, a whip, Reeces Peanut butter cups, books, CD's. He raked it in.

Saturday was good for me also. i actually spent time with everyone. i didn't back out. i enjoyed being around everyone again. Yes it helped that i wasn't the only single person there. That actually helped a lot. i feel weird being around people that are couples sometimes. i end up feeling lonely. Saturday i didn't. i did have a bit of an issue being surrounded by so many Doms. i almost asked if i could have a smoke. It was also comforting being around that many Doms. There was a feeling of peace inside me i miss. i easily would have curled up at K's feet, or L's. P's feet were covered by LL and E.

Sunday was also nice. i picked up the MIT and we went and spent more of His birthday money. He got a new game for His Nintendo DS, and a new CD. It was nice being with Him. Unfortunately, He is also sick. We ended up spending all day today together, and will again tomorrow. Still, with Him being sick, He is quite cuddly and easy going. Once He starts to feel better, He will be more difficult to get along with. That will be my cue to send Him back to school.

Tonight, the MIT is already in bed, and i am soon to follow. It is too cold to sit outside and read. Maybe tomorrow night will be better. Then again, i can always start a little fire in my BBQ. Hmmmm, which to do?

Weekend off

Last night, there was no beeping. Last night was quiet and comfortable. Last night was all to myself. That is right, the MIT is away this weekend.

Today will be filled with slow moving. Today will be filled with no running around to do. All i have to do is be one place, and it is a place i will enjoy. Other than that, today is a lazy, do nothing, listen to whatever i want, no MIT asking what to do. Today is all about me lounging and being me.

P made it to His birthday. i didn't know exactly how much i was dreading the 17th, until i was able to call Him and wish Him a happy birthday on the phone on the 18th. Clouds lifted, and i was calm.

The MIT is....volatile. You never know what MIT you are going to get. He is taking His punishment like a man, with little to no arguing. Giving Him a choice of what chore to do, has been the best idea. He has actually been looking forward to it. It is weird. At least my patio furniture is clean, and so is my back yard. i wonder what to give him come Monday and Tuesday.

Well, breakfast has been eaten. Meds have been taken. Time to go and have a nice bath, and read in the tub i think. Once the sun is fully up, i will be sitting on my patio, reading and enjoying the quiet. A nice spring day to relax to.

Hmmmm......

i feel like i have something to write about, but can't put my finger on what exactly. It is like a post is brewing, but hasn't reached my conscious brain to actually become a reality.

Sunday would have been Mike's and my 7th Collaring anniversary. It would have also been our 8 1/2 year anniversary.

This time of year brings up lots of anniversaries and events. 7 years since the DSSG group started our monthly play parties. P's 50th birthday is coming up, on Saturday to be exact. Exactly one month prior to Mike's birthday, although Mike was older.

i seem a little lost in my brain today. Not depressed, but lost. Lost in memories. Lost in "what-ifs". Lost in "what-nows". Lost in what happens next.

i am still making plans to do more in the "community". i am going to the mixer again this month. i have made possible plans with L to go to an event. i have made possible plans with L&D to go to the craft fair. Making plans are good. Feeling lost in my brain, in memories, not such a good thing. i know, just go with the flow, and let myself feel, what i feel, when i feel it.

So this is me just going with the flow. Not knowing what my posts are actually going to be about, and just typing out stuff. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but making plans. Feeling what i feel, as i feel it, even if it isn't very pleasant.

i need something sunny here

On Ostara, i transplanted all my house plants. i put them all in bigger pots. i separated some that lived in the same pot. i worked with the dirt and i was hoping to give them better life.

So far, all the plants are doing well. Really well. i am proud of their progress. my Christmas Cactus is growing new stuff. my ivy has new shoots all over the place. my violets are not flowering, but the greenery is doing much better. The one plant i was really worried about was my shamrock. It is a funny plant.

The shamrocks grow out of the pine cone like pods. When i transplanted it, i was worried i had killed it. It is over 17 years old. It has survived an infestation of fruit flies. It has survived my Dad and Sis not watering it. i can officially say it has survived the transplant. New growth abounds. New little 3 leaf shamrocks are growing from the dirt. It is doing really well.

Ok, that is my little bit of sunshine. A not so yucky post. i need that both here, and in my life.

Here is some of my sunshine :

MIT's anger and abuse

my options are shrinking. As the MIT gets more and more violent to himself, and speaks more and more about killing Himself, i have, what it seems to be only two options.

1. Try to keep Him as safe from Himself as possible, listen to Him, and console Him as best i can until the referral to a psychiatrist pans out
2. The next time He starts to hurt Himself and talking about wanting to die, i call 911 and get Him to the hospital for emergency evaluation and drugs.

Two options. Only two. i am trying to do the first option. i am trying to protect Him from Himself. The problem is, He is progressing to making plans. He is starting to think about what He wants to do to Himself to die. That means the depression is worse. His hurting Himself is more creative, and getting worse. He managed to scrape the skin off His knuckles by rubbing His fist on the carpet as i was trying to keep Him from hitting Himself in the head. He is also doing that more. Beating on His own temple in anger.

His anger is more also. He comes home angry every day after school. He wakes up angry every day. He gets angry at the smallest thing. His anger is getting out of control. All i can do, is talk Him threw it. Wait for Him to calm down and stay out of His way, unless He starts to hurt Himself again.

i am loosing myself in His depression. i am loosing confidence in my ability to be a Mom. i am loosing confidence in being able to make Him happy. i am questioning every decision i have ever made. i am questioning every decision i am trying to make now.

i don't know how to handle this. If He is in need of drugs, then it means a hospital stay. One long enough to make sure that the drugs do not affect His AHC. i am going to have to battle to keep Him being Him, and not some zombie that is too drugged to think. i don't know if i have that in me. i know, selfish reasoning, but it is still there.

i want to wait it out. i want to wait for the help to arrive. i want to fix it for Him. i want to make Him believe in Himself as much as i believe in Him.

Needed

i needed Tuesday night. i finally quit asking why, once i called P. He reminded me that why didn't matter. i needed that reminder. i needed to just feel, and to just go with the feelings, and let them come out. i had forgotten that. Sandy will be proud tomorrow. She will be proud i called a friend for help. She will be proud i eventually let go of the why. Heck, i am proud.

Yes i actually reached out for help. Yes i took the advice. For those, i am proud.

Other than that, today is a beautiful day. It is sunny out. It is 7 degrees outside. i am going to be cleaning up the back patio, and maybe the back garden. Man i really want a little gate on my patio so i can easily access my back yard. Oh well. That takes money i don't currently have. Heck, may never have. i have decided this year i am actually going to work on the garden part. i am actually going to put up "fencing" or a strong boarder around where i am putting the garden. i may only be able to do that, since money is so tight, but at least that will get done. i want my garden to be an oasis for me. Some place i want to spend lots of time and energy.

i am glad the sun and warmth is out. i need that too.

Why tonight?

Why am i missing Him so much tonight? Why are tears running down my face? Why tonight? There is no trigger. Nothing happened differently today. So why tonight? i feel so empty. i feel so alone. i miss Him so completely tonight. i want Him here. i want to be held by Him. i want to smell Him. i want to hear His voice. God i can't even remember what He sounded like. Why this rush of sadness? Why these tears? Why this panic that nothing will work out for me? Why this feeling that i will continue to be alone? i was His damn it. i belonged. i was owned. i was loved. i feel like nothing tonight. i feel empty and alone. i feel like no one will ever want me. i feel like i am set adrift without anyone to catch me. With Him, He would always catch me. There is no one to catch me. No one to want and desire me. No one will ever want me again. i am tainted because i was His. Not in a bad way, but He put on such a front for everyone, that He is hard to live up to. Even in my head. i want Him here so badly. i want to feel His arms around me. i don't want to sleep alone anymore. i don't want to be alone anymore. God i want Him back. i want His collar. i want His love. i want Him. i need Him. But why tonight? Why all this emotion tonight? i just don't understand. i don't know why tonight.

MIT's birthday

Well, yesterday was officially the MIT's birthday. It started out good, but went down hill from there. See, birthdays mean change. Change and the MIT don't get along. He like routine and predictability. Changing ages is a change. Having a special day, like a birthday is a change in routine. The other problem, is He just turned 16. Usually that means the prospect of a driver's license. Not for the MIT, and He knows it. So really, this birthday is more a let down for Him, than a celebration. So keeping all that in mind, you can predict some of what happened.

First was His waking up to me singing. He didn't like that. Then there was my Sis showing up singing to Him. We kept the rest of His routine normal. No point upsetting the basket anymore than it had to be. He came home in a mood though.

He was mad that everyone said "happy birthday" to Him. He was mad that His EA's wrote "happy birthday" in His communication book. He was mad it was His birthday. He was mad that things weren't normal. He didn't want dinner. He didn't eat all His lunch. He didn't want to sit in the living room. He did what He is allowed to do, when He is upset. He went to His room and watched some of His new movies and calmed down.

While He was doing that, i kept up my end of His birthday celebration. i ordered in Swiss Chalet. i made sure He knew i was doing so. i let Him take His time in calming down. i ate dinner alone after asking Him if that was ok. i made sure there was dinner for Him when He was ready.

It took until 6:30 before He emerged from His room. He came and cuddled with me and we got to talking about what was happening at that time 16 years ago. We talked about how long it took me to go into labour. We talked about when i was rushed into surgery. We talked about how He didn't want to be born and they had to pull Him out of me. He really liked hearing that. We called my parents to find out, from them, what they were doing at that time. He got to hear all about that day 16 years ago. We even looked threw His baby book together. At 7:20, we were watching Charmed, and He saw His watch and said "I am born now". It was really cute.

This morning was much better. This morning was back to His normal. No surprises. No changes. Same old, same old. He likes that much better.

i am just glad He made it to 16. Hopefully we have a few more birthdays left.

Spring is here?

Today feels like spring. It rained this morning, and is calling for more rain later, but right now it is sunny and 14. i have shovelled the last of the snow and dead leaves from my back patio. i have as many windows open that i can. There is the smell of rotting leaves and wet grass floating into my house. Some would say it is a yucky smell, but after so much snow, it smells great.

Yes i know, there is snow in the forcast, but right now it is spring.