Dream Interpretation

Ok, this is getting rediculous.  i have had, at least three times a week, dreams that include rats.  Big hairy ugly rats.  Rats lying in food.  Rats running around.  Rats that have landed on me.  Rats that have run around me.  Rats that i have chased.  Rats that i have captured and thrown out the door.  Rats that i have captured and given to other people. 

These dreams have taken place in my house.  Only once did a cat come into the dream.  The rats were living above my stove.  Other times my dream takes place some where else.  i don't know where it is.  i didn't recognize it at all. 

This time there were many people around and no one else seems to notice the rats.  Only i seem to know that they were there.  Only i seemed to be able to capture them.  Once word got around, people were asking me for rats.  i couldn't keep up with the demand.  Then i saw what they were doing to the rats and i wouldn't give them away anymore.  They were flinging the rats around in those cloth gift bags i would put them into.  They would throw the rats at the wall.  One person (i don't know if it was male or female) stuck the bag to a target and was throwing stuff at it.  People were even stepping on the rats. 

i hate rats.  i hate mice.  Tame ones, in a cage, i can handle.  Wild ones, skittering around, making noise with their claws, making those weird squeeking noises just grosses me out.  When there has been a mouse in my house, i usually leave until it is dead.  These dreams, with the wild, creepy, ugly giant rats, are really starting to get to me.  i wish i knew what they were trying to tell me.  i wish i could make them stop

In other news.  Today is my second day of class.  i have finished all my homework.  i have all my supplies.  Now all i have to do is get these rats out of my brain, get the MIT to school, and shower, dress and get to class. 

Powered by Qumana

This and That

i started crying yesterday.  There was no reason.  No thought, just tears.  Uncontrollable, vomit inducing, stomach wrenching tears.  i couldn't figure it out.  Why would it have started?  It had been a good day.  i had gotten stuff done that i needed to get done.  i had talked with friends.  i had been laughing and everything had been good.  So why the tears?

It was then my Mom called.  Seems yesterday was Wednesday.  i have been good for Wednesdays for a little while.  So what if it was Wednesday?  Wednesdays hadn't been bad for a while, so why now?  Why yesterday?  It wasn't like i was thinking about Him.  It wasn't like i was going over how much i was missing Him.  Thoughts of Him didn't even cross my mind as i cried and vomitted.  Mom says i did too much.  It didn't feel that way.  It really didn't.  i still don't understand.

Tomorrow i start school.  After class, i go to Pam's to be with her and Ethan.  There is talk about lunch.  i don't know if we are going out or if Ethan is cooking.  They are busy as it is.  They are heading for vacation Saturday.  Saturday i am going to the Pagan Pride day here.  Danielle is coming with me.  i am not sure what is going to be happening Saturday night, but it is all good. 

i am so tired.  Just so tired all the time.  Tired right now even.  MIT will be home soon.  Then i get to make dinner and get the MIT ready for karate.  Actually, i am starting dinner now.  It will take a hour or so for dinner to cook.  After that, i will let it sit and wait for a while.  Maybe the MIT will eat some.  Then again, He might now.  He can be fickle.  Anyways, off to the mundane life i seem to be living. 

Powered by Qumana

Ups and downs

So i did it.  i registered for the reflexology course.  i start on Friday.  i have already read over the first 3 chapters, and plan on reading more.  It is a dry read, but i am so excited about taking it, and eventually using the skills i learn, that i am breezing right through it.  i even had a pedicure today and am getting a manicure tomorrow to celebrate.  Hellen said, on Saturday, that Mike would be proud.  That He is looking down on me and smiling.  i hope so.  i hope He is proud. 

i actually removed His spot on the bed.  His pillows had been where they have been for almost 7 years.  It was hard, admitting that He won't ever be sleeping here again.  i still wait for Him to come online and chat while He is at work.  i still wait for Him to walk in the door on Tuesdays to go bowling.  Moving the pillows was difficult, but i lived. 

i do keep asking myself if i am grieving too much.  i mean we had been going through some bad times before things began to "work" again.  i wasn't that thrilled with Him for quite a while.  We had our problems.  Maybe i should be over this feeling of dread and guilt and sadness. 

i talked to Pam today about the cravings.  The desire to have that dynamic and the pain back in my life.  How i wonder if He would be mad or disappointed in the fact that i want to give that part of me over to anyone else.  She had me play the "what would you say if i was you, and you were Ethan?" game.  i do know what Mike would say.  He would say that being a submissive is who i am, and to keep that locked up would mean i was not being true to myself.  He would tell me to not feel guilty.  He would tell me to be who i am.  So why is even the idea of letting it be someone else's voice so scary for me? 

Powered by Qumana

How long should i wait?

How long is it appropriate for one to wait after the loss of their partner to start craving again?  Is almost 4 months enough time?  Am i being disloyal to Mike and His memory for wanting and craving?

i am home alone tonight, and all my thoughts are geared to wanting and needing.  i want to feel pain.  i want to be able to serve someone.  i want to be able to follow orders.  i want to be able to please someone even if i don't get anything out of it, because seeing that someone is pleased, does give me pleasure.   i want to hear someone's voice in my ear to say i can come.  i haven't been able to do that to myself since His death.  His voice hasn't been there.  i wasn't allowed without His permission if i was doing it myself.  i can't seem to get there and give myself that permission.  i still ask, either out loud or in my head and wait for His answer.  It never comes.  So neither do i.

i am not saying i haven't played since His death.  i did, and it went ok.  i got to orgasm.  i got to feel pain.  There was also a voice there, one that He seemed to have left for me to be with, able to give me permission.  i have pulled away from that person, that voice.  She was what i needed at the time.  She was like a connection to Him.  i don't feel that way about Her anymore.  i don't even like the idea of it being Her voice anymore.  She was ok for me when i needed that "connection" to Him, but that was all She was.  Just a connection.  i guess i used Her for that.

Tonight i keep thinking that i am being disloyal, being selfish, being cold for wanting and needing even an orgasm.  The idea of someone inflicting pain on me feels like a desire to escape.  But it is still there.  i just don't want it to be because i am trying to escape or trying to forget Him. 

Powered by Qumana

i don't really have a title this time

Well, i don't qualify for funding to take the reflexology course.  So now i get to ask my Mom for the money.  This aught to be fun.  NOT!  i am not looking forward to telling her.  i am not looking forward to hearing what she has to say, or her conditions, or anything from her.  i know that what comes out of her mouth isn't meant to hurt me, but it does.  i know i should be thankful that i can even ask her.  i know i should be thankful for all the help she gives me.  It is just that it feels like it costs too much. (Update : Mom called and said she will write out the cheque to the school and i can start on Friday!  Thanks Mom!!!)

In other news, i have been referred to a psychiatrist and will be having an appointment of assessment soon.  About time for that.  The depression isn't going away.  It isn't even really getting better.  i am just much better at timing my breakdowns.  The smallest thing (hearing i don't qualify) sets me into a panic.  Having to many happy thoughts even sets me into a downward spiral.  Having someone to talk to, about all the changes, about all the loss, even talking about how it feels to have the MIT, will be nice. 

Maybe this weekend will be good.

Powered by Qumana

Jump and Fall

So i went for the assessment.  The place should be called "useless appointment before going back to where you started".  Not only is it not their job to help with financial aide, but i had to go back to my OW worker to get the forms that are to go to the people that make the decision.  Plus, i must have the forms done, and make an appointment with my worker to hand them in.  The forms must be completed in 2 weeks.  The soonest my worker can see me is October.  October is longer than 2 weeks.  If the papers are not turned over to her in person by the 21st, nothing can be done, and i would have to start the process all over again.

So i thought i had a backup plan.  my Mom said i could use the money from my Nana to take the course, plus she would cover the difference.  Today she said that if there was a chance to get the funding to start the course in January, than i would just have to wait for January.  Oh, and i could take a night school course in cooking or crafts if i wanted in the mean time.

So i took the leap, and fell flat on my face.  Well, not completely.  i have a call into the college to see if they will take $500 and allow me to take the course until funding is provided.  If the college says yes, i will go to my Nana only.  But even before i can do that, i have to make sure it won't affect my ability to get the funding.  That would blow. 

So, lets see, what else blows.  i couldn't get babysitting for even my doctor's appointment, never mind the munch that was tonight.  The doctor did call when after i cancelled.  That was nice of her.  She even said that if i need a doctor's note to say i can take the course, or as a reference, she would be happy to provide it.  my Mom said it was stupid of me to book the appointment for the time it was supposed to be.  She still doesn't understand why that might make me feel like she called me stupid.  When i told her about the hoops i had to jump threw, and she actually said "I didn't think you would get the funding".

Anyways, i feel like crap.  i am not done yet.  i am jumping threw those hoops.  Tomorrow i go to the teacher of the course to fill in the one page of the package that has to be handed to my worker in the next 2 weeks.  i will make this happen, and i will get into the course on the day i want to start.

Powered by Qumana

A change for the better??

Tomorrow i go for an assessment on if i am eligible for financial help to take the reflexology course i am really wanting to take.  i have everything i need, i think.  i printed of a lot of information from the internet, i spoke with the person teaching the course and have that information, and i called the OCR for even more information.  i have it all gathered in my file thingy, ready to go.  i am just so nervous.

This is the first "jump" i have made since Mike died.  It feels like i huge jump.  Almost a leap of faith.  i am scared they will say yes to the financial aid.  i am scared they will say no.  i do have a backup plan if they say no.  my Mom will be giving me the money to take the course.  i just don't want to be that much more indebted to her.  Plus she will feel it gives her license to make sure i go. 

i am a little nervous about keeping myself motivated, but i know i really want this. Not only do i want the basic foot reflexology course, but i will also want to take the hand reflexology, and then my masters, so i can teach it. i just have to make sure to push myself, just like i have been doing with taking my meds, and trying to eat properly.  i haven't been perfect at it, but i have been doing it.

i want to do this.  i really want to do this.  So, no matter what, i will do this.

Powered by Qumana

The first time

i used to journal other places. i can't use those anymore. They aren't safe from eyes i don't want to see. So, i have decided to start this place. i am hoping it is a place where i can talk to myself about stuff, bounce around ideas, post my views on things, and basically just put myself out there so certain people don't worry anymore.

i may "pull over" certain posts that i have recently made from the hidden journal, but i am not yet sure. It may happen, it may not. We will just see.

Until then, this is my first post.

The first day of school

So the MIT went to school this morning. It is His first day of high school. He was so excited, so eager to go. It was nice not having to fight Him about getting dressed. It was beyond pleasant to not argue about what He would be wearing. Uniforms rock. It was a good, yet early, morning. It was nice.

But now i sit here, trying to figure out what to do. No one online to talk to. No one here to spend time with. Nothing to fill my days. i am a very boring person. Yes, i could clean the house. Yes i could do the dishes. Neither of those things make me an interesting person. They are just chores to take up my time. i want something to do. i want to be someone other than the MIT's mom. That is one reason i want so bad to take the reflexology course. i want something outside of myself to do. i want to be able to offer services while the MIT is at school. i want something to do while the MIT is not here.

So, until then, i think of what i am passionate about. i try to find something to do that costs nothing. i try to fill this time with something other than napping and eating and cleaning stuff that doesn't need more cleaning and playing online games. The first day of being alone, and i am already bored.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

i know i didn't write to You all weekend in my hand journal. i am really sorry. i couldn't do it. i had to keep my head in camp, away from You or i wouldn't have been able to actually preform.
i helped out everywhere. i did the driving for groceries. i did clean-up after dinner. i did registration. i survived Sherry being there, in the cabin with me, making Bryan moan and groan. i survived hearing the pity in people's voices as they spoke to me. i survived Patrick's annual temper tantrum. At times, i did more than survived. i stayed up late with the group most nights. i got drunk one night. i sang karaoke. i think You would be proud.

Peter was proud, and told me so yesterday. So was Laura, Darren, Scott, Erin, Robyn. Everyone was proud of me. Too bad i wasn't. i felt so out of it most of the time. i felt like i was trying to be someone i am not. i just knew i had to perform. i had to do everything. i had to not breakdown and become a blubbering idiot. But the whole time i kept thinking how wrong it all was. How it shouldn't be like it is. How it should have been You watching out for me, making sure i was ok. Making sure i didn't push myself too hard. i know i pushed myself. No one else knows just how much.

i haven't had a chance to crash yet. i won't even get that chance this weekend. i am wound up so tight right now, that even a phone call from mom set me on edge. TJ talking too much sets me on edge. i know i am behind on my meds, that is probubly part of the reason. i am catching up on them. i will have a breakdown later. Don't ask me when, but i will.

You should have been there this weekend. You should have been the one helping Peter and Helmut load and unload the truck. You should have been the one doing first aide. It should have been You that hugged me at night and not some stuffed animal. It should have been You to help Helmut with the meat. It should have been You to break-up Patrick and Darren. Instead, it was me. i don't like it being just me.

i want You back. i want You to come back. i need You to come back. TJ is on His way home. i will write in my book soon. i promise.

i love You Master.

Wed, 16 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

Why the hell aren't You here. You should be here. You should be walking through the door. You should be the one making me calm down, not some drug. You should be the one sleeping here tonight, not Laura and Darren. You should be the one to get the ice tomorrow. You should be here to help load the truck. You should be here to setup the play tent. You should freakin be here.

But You are not here. Instead, i have to figure out a way to survive this weekend without You. That is so not fair.

i talked to the doctor yesterday. She wants me in the hospital. She isn't sure i can make decisions right now. She thinks i am so far gone. The worst part is she is right.

i so want to just die. i want TJ to die so i can die. i wait every morning for him not to wake up. i wait every day for a car to crash into us killing us both. i just want to die and go away and not come back and be with You. That is all i want. That is all i hope for. That is what always goes through my mind. Wishing i could just be done with this life and be done with it all.

Will You come and get me while i sleep? Will You come and bring me to You? Please? Master? Please Master, please. Just come to me and take me with You. i can't be without You anymore. i don't want to be without You anymore. Please Master. i don't know how else to beg to You. Just please.

Sat, 12 Aug 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i haven't typed to You in a long time Master. i have been keeping up in my written journal. i am just scared Aaron, Lore, or even Bev will find this place and use what i write against me.

i miss You so much. The dark thoughts are getting worse. i now am waiting for TJ to die so i can die too. Every morning He sleeps in, i am hoping He isn't waking up. i even left Him home alone when He was full blown. If He was gone, i could come to You without any guilt.

Cindy is hoping to win the lottery. She has already planned out what she is going to do with the money. Stuff like buy me a house and a car. She would pay off the credit card again. She would even set up an account i could dip into if i needed the money. All i asked for was a freezer and to have it filled with food. i can't dream all that big right now. Dreaming means hope. Dreams don't come true. The dream of You being my Master, being here for me, hearing Your voice, all died with You. All hope died with You.

i know i am holding on by a thread, and i am watching it unravel. Camp scares me. Being without You scares me. Going and getting groceries scares me. Everything, without You, scares me.

Why didn't You wake me up? Why didn't You stop me for cutting? Why can't i feel You? Why won't You come back?

i love You Master

Wed, 12 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i am missing You so much. The depression is getting worse. i am pulling away from everyone and everything.

Sherry really pissed me off. She is making Your death all about her. If anyone wants to do something, or make a reminder about You, it is about her. Hardly about me, but all about her.

Helmut had wanted to do a pagan ceremony for You. A pagan goodbye. He couldn't find a way to do it before Camp. So He wanted to do it on the Friday night of Camp. i couldn't handle the thought of it. i still can't. Anyways, it became all about how it is up to me and Sherry if it should be done...in Sherry's eyes. Nothing about the rest of the Org. Nothing about how really it is up to me, but all about mainly her.

That is how it always is with her. Every decission that is made is about her. Every time she spends here is about her and her grief. It doesn't matter how i am feeling. i get to express my feelings for like a minute and then it is all about her again.

i have stopped emailing her every day. i just can't. It was such a meaningful D/s thing between You and i. i am not in that place with her. She won't define it. i am still the extra with her. She tries to pretend i am not, but i am. At least with P and E, i know i am the extra.

i want to not be the extra anymore. i want You back and i want to be Yours again. Still. With You i know my place. i am Yours. You are my Master. i am Your submissive/slave. i have a place with You. i have no place without You. i am all alone. So alone that i am pulling away from everyone. i am lost. i need You.

Wed, 5 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: Private thoughts

i am supposed to mail that box to Bev. i was supposed to do it yesterday, but didn't, and i am supposed to do it today, but can't bring myself to do it. It is like the final step to saying that this is the reality. That there is no more chance for me to wake-up. Mom really pissed me off last night. "Are you going to do it or do I have to go out of my way to do it, and be angry about it". That was what she said. Like i need that. i felt like saying "thanks for all the support Mom. Thanks for not understanding that i didn't get to have a vacation when you took TJ on a trip You wanted him to take, and now i get to suffer for it." You know i didn't though. i could never actually say anything like that to her. It just isn't in me to do. Anyways, off to get E and drive her to school early. Seems i get her kids from 7:30 - 6:00 ish. No warning about the until 6. No warning about me even having the kids this week, cause last i heard, M was supposed to get them. Oh well. Off i go.i love You Master

Sat, 1 Jul 2006

i know that normally this weekend, You would be home with Bev. It just feels like You should be here, coming to the cottage with me and Sherry. You were supposed to come with us.Bev sent the items i asked for. Nothing extra. No thoughts of what mean something to me. Then again, that isn't like her. She finally got a full time job. Man that would have helped years ago. i can't believe it took You dying to get her ass in gear. i don't know how to make it plain to Sherry that i need to know where Her and i stand. i don't want a collar from Her. i am no where close to wanting or needing that. But i don't know my place with Her. i don't know how much control She wants or how much i am willing to give over. i also can't stand, and i mean really can't stand watching Her and buffy kissing and making out on the couch when all i get is to sit alone on the floor, and get a goodbye kiss from Her every once in a while. i get that She and buffy have an established relationship. i get that i am the intruder. i get that i am the extra. i just wish She would stop saying that i wasn't. Things aren't getting any easier for me here. i still have really bad days, and even worse nights. Maybe the talking to You outloud is helping. Maybe it is just my mind cracking more and more into being more and more crazy. i need the "weird shit" as Sherry calls it, to happen. i need to know that You are still here with me. Maybe i will feel more complete once i get the altar box from Dana. i will be able to hold Your tools. i will be able to feel You more. i think i have sucked out all of You from Your bag of stones. They don't feel right anymore. God i miss You. i need You still so much. i sit here staring at the box i am sending to Bev and wonder why i should do it. i know there isn't anything really special in it, but it is filled with pieces of You. i can't picture Your face in my head anymore. i can't hear Your voice anymore. i can't feel You in the house anymore. Please don't pull away from me yet. i am not ready. Please come back to me if You have left me already. i need to feel You, hear You, dream about You, have You sleep next to me, or have You hold me.Please just wake me up!

Wed, 21 Jun 2006

i am no longer going to exchange emails with Bev. i can't anymore. She was nice on the last couple, but i can't handle even seeing that i have received one from her. Peter is going to handle them from now on. Of course she threatened me again once i asked her to only email Peter. She threatened the cops coming to take Your stuff away. i went to the munch last night. It was a good munch. On the way home, i remembered that last time i drove home from the munch, You were here waiting for me. It was our last night together, ever again. i kept talking to You last night. i kept asking You to hold me, to let me feel You against my skin. Begging You to wake me up this morning. You didn't of course. You can't. You died. i can never feel You hold me again. i can never hear Your voice again. i will never smell You again, feel You in my mouth again, feel Your hands on my skin, feel the kiss of Your toys on my skin again. None of it.Never mind. i know this is a dream. That i have a lesson to learn from all this and once i have learned the lesson, i will wake up and You will be here, and everything will be normal again. We will send Mom and TJ off to Ottawa the right way. We will spend the time Mom and Dad take TJ away the right way. You will be at the org meetings and You will be here for S/mer camp. That is what will happen once You wake me up. That is the way it will be. It has to be. i'm going to lie down now. i need to feel You holding me. Maybe if i lie down in O/our bed, i will feel You. i need to feel You. i need You hear with me, and i need You back. Please. If this is the reality i am supposed to accept, please just let me feel You holding me. Let me smell You in O/our bed. Let me hear Your voice. Anything. Please.Still waiting to wake-up

Fri, 16 Jun 2006

know You aren't here, but i still need to talk with You, so here i am again. Our private space where i get to sound off, and You talk to me later about it. Whenever You get around to reading it that is. i need You to see the picture TJ had me take of him and i the day You died. The one he called You about, but You didn't answer the phone. i should have known something was wrong when You didn't answer the phone. Anyways, here it is. He started calling me shrimp after that. He was a good inch taller than me that day. He is taller now. You would be so proud of him and how he is doing. He has been talking with Beth, and is still blaming himself for You dying. He still wants to ignore it ever happened. He still says things that include You and makes plans that include You. He started asking about if i would be watching Big Brother with the two of you again this year. He was fooling around outside and i was scared he would get hurt, and he said that it was ok, "Mike will fix me if I get hurt". i don't know what to say to him when he says stuff like that. i had to re-teach him what to do if i used the epipen. He said that he was to call You, but that he knew he couldn't cause You were dead. The night the mouse came out, he gave me a big hug while Dad set traps and waited for it to show its head. He had me walk around outside, and kept saying "ask Mike how to get rid of it. Just look up and ask Mike, He will tell you" i tried to explain that i still can't hear You. That i can't feel You. It was too hard of a concept for Him to understand.Sherry is letting me call Her Mistress now. i still feel like an extra, an added-on. Someone She must feel obligated to look after. Peter said something about Her last night. Something along the lines of "what is Her deal anyways?" i looked at Him blankly and He said "i don't get Her, there is just something". i left it at that. i don't need to deal with that. i called Sherry Mistress in the Alt channel when Kat was there. We figure there will be some sort of questioning going to happen. That is one of the reasons Sherry, buffy and i are going to Monster's Munch. i am so nervous. There are people there that don't know that the 4 of us were working together. That the dynamics were great with the 4 of us. Tomorrow is the Org meeting. i have promised Peter i will be there. i don't want to go. i want to go off and pretend that life hasn't moved on without You. i don't want to be there and not hear "Hold on a minute" or "no ifs ands or buts", or even the "nevermind". Helmut wants to hold another kind of ritual for You at camp on the Friday night. That is way to much for me to handle. Another 2 months of trying to pretend that i am ok, and then having to deal with all the emotions surounding just being at camp without You. i can't handle that. It will be hard enough this year. Bev emailed me again. She wanted information about how to get ahold of Dr. Crombie. i called Carrie to make sure it was ok. Carrie said it was fine, so i will be sending that off to Bev soon. Bev also asked what i thought would be nice for TJ to have to remember You by. i figure anything that TJ had given You as gifts would be a good idea. Bev still shows so much anger in her email to me. She made the comment that she didn't know what to send for TJ, as she didn't think the female clothing and the 2 sex toys were appropriate. i wish she understood our relationship better, that i was never a threat to her. Anyways, it is time to go and get Sherry and then head out to the munch. i wish You were going to be there. i downloaded all of the photos i have of You onto the iPod You gave me. That way i can carry images of You where ever i go. Sherry even sent the ones from the last time we all played together. i have You standing over my red ass for the last time. i miss You so much. i know You can hear me. i know that when i talk to You here i am talking to You. i know that i am blocking out feeling You and hearing You because that would make this all real. You still have the deadline i set. You have until the morning of the 18th. i love You. Please just wake me up.

Fri, 9 Jun 2006

You lied more. You lied in Your journal. You lied when You told me and Sherry what was going on. You lied about not knowing why You needed to move things so quickly. You lied with the reason Dr. Miller called You into his office. i read the report. The CT that was taken in April, was compared to the one taken in August. The one that was taken AFTER surgery, and AFTER checmo and AFTER radiation. There was no barium in your system when the August CT was taken. It was read perfectly. There were lesions on Your liver. There were lesions on Your diaphram. There were lesions on the lymphnodes in Your abdomen. There was cancer everywhere. You were diagnosed as stage 3 after those CT's. They were scheduling You for biopsies at the end of May, not another CT. They were scheduling You for more investigation. This all explains stuff like You not dieting. You knew You were loosing weight again, and why You would be loosing more without changing what You were eating. You were wanting to fit so much more into Your life right now, because You knew You would have to start fighting with Your body again. You getting so angry that i showed up at the hospital the day that CT was read. You had hoped to put it in the back of Your head and not tell me, or anyone, the results. Why did You think You would have to go through all that alone? Why did You think i wouldn't want to know and would be there no matter what? Why did You have to hide it all? i know that the cancer didn't kill You. i know You didn't kill Yourself. So what was it that gave out? What was it that quit in Your body to take You away from me so soon after we were working so well together again? Why did You leave without taking care of the damned mouse? (yes the mouse is back). Why did You leave at all? Why does Bev say that You and i weren't what we once were anymore? What was it You told her? You told me You didn't tell her about the loosing of the collar, that as far as she knew everything was normal. Is it just her assumption that because Sherry is in Your life that she thought i was no longer there with You? Was it not really You that told her stuff but Aaron and Lore that did? Did they give Bev access to Your journal and did she read it in a way that made her feel better? Why does she have such a hate on for TJ? Why did she have to send me that bloody email about how TJ was not Your blood? When are You going to wake me up and answer all these questions??????

Thu, 8 Jun 2006

This is the only place i can talk to You Master. You aren't on msn anymore. You aren't on yahoo anymore. You don't get emails anymore. This is the only place. Why did You have to say You were going to be giving me Your collar back? Why? It gave me hope. Hope i don't have anymore. Why did You have to not email me often and only tell me You loved me on MSN or yahoo? Someone told Bev i wasn't important to You anymore. What do i have to do but sit here in my knowledge and just sit back and take all it is they have to say. i learned from You not to defend it. To just ignore it. i don't want to. i want to post conversations we had on MSN where You are giving me orders, and telling me You love me and that You and i were a full couple again. i want to post the ones where You said i belonged to You still, and always would. i want to screem and screem that i was more than just a friend before You died. i want to show the things You said to me. i have to go see the doctor today. She is going to find what she remembers as an abdominal ultrasound You recently had. If she remembers right, then it means You were in more trouble with Your cancer than You made out. i wonder if You told Bev about it. You didn't tell me or Sherry. You told us everything was ok. You would like what i did in the back patio. i got a new table and chairs, and i got planters. i am going to get flowers soon. Maybe today or tomorrow. i need it to be bright and different than when we would sit out there together. i have only sat out there once since You died. Bev says i don't get to go through what is left of Your stuff once she is done with it. She says i have to move on. She called me Your fuck friend. God i know how mad that email would have made You. You would have emailed her back. i can't. She is threatening legal action. Lore and Aaron are on the same band wagon. They did things that went against Your wishes. They went behind my back and have insulted me, have "threatened" me, have said things about You and me. People have said i shouldn't engage in their war with me. i haven't. they said You wouldn't have wanted me to. i almost laugh when they say that. You were the worst to act if someone did that. You would have been all over them and emailed back and forth with them. You would have made it public and told them off. i can't. i have to live with the consiquences of doing that. You don't have to now. You aren't here to defend me anymore. Did You ever really change Your will Master? You had said You did. You had said i would be taken care of. What was it that You meant? How was i to be taken care of? Did You leave instructions to Peter and Erin on what to do with me? Did You leave me instructions on how to get on with my life? i tried to make myself come Master. i couldn't do it. i kept wanting to call You like i always would to get permission. i wanted to hear Your voice telling me i was Your slut. i wanted it to be like it was on the 16th, when we were last together. i needed to feel You inside me like that night. i needed to feel Your hand in my hair, Your fingers pinching my skin, Your beating me with the blue strap while You moved in and out of me. i can't say this anywhere else. i can't talk to You anywhere else. i can't go up to see where they put Your ashes in the ground. Bev or Chris would get all angry. Especially with Your wedding anniversary coming up on Sunday. i wonder if Bev has figured out that i was the one that always reminded You of the date, or the date of her birthday, or the date of Chris's birthday, or the date of April's birthday, or the date of Neil's birthday? i doubt it. i have to go. It is time for me to get a shower, put on my cream, wake up TJ, and get on with the day. i miss You so much Master. Please wake me up soon

Sun, 4 Jun 2006

Why won't You wake me up? Why did You leave me here to clean up Your messes again? i get that You lied to me, over and over and over. Sherry shouldn't have had to learn that. Even now i hold our last conversation on MSN a secret. i have kept so many of Your secrets. You telling Bev that You worked on the weekends You wanted to be in town here. You telling one person one thing, and another a different thing. You saying what You think someone wants to hear, and hold the real, and total truth inside. i get that You left me with the lies You told me. i have lived with them so long, they are a part of You and of what i hold on to. But You have left me to not only make decisions without clear guidelines and alienate people, but You also left me to deal with the lies You told someone else. How many other lies am i going to have to clean up for You? How many other things am i going to have to hear or fix? i am not that strong. i am not that brave. But You also left me to be an extra. That extra person in a group. That extra person in a three-some. That extra person that doesn't have anyone inlove with them. That extra person that has no one for themselves. i want to fucking wake up. Now damn it. i want to wake up. Fuck, why did You have to leave me this way. Why couldn't You just say that You didn't want me around anymore. Why won't You fucking wake me up and make this all go away. i am so tired of living this reality. i want to wake up back to normal. i need to wake up back to normal. i can't do this much longer. i am ready to give up. i can do it soon too. TJ leaves in less than i week, and i can do it. i can finally give up. i can't be an extra. i can't hold on much longer. i can't see tomorrow anymore. i can't wait much longer to wake up. i am ready. i really am ready. i am ready to wake up, or go to sleep forever. Just tell me where You are and wake me up and let this all go away. i need You and i want You and i have to wake up. i can't do this anymore. Please wake me up. Please. i just want to wake up. Please. Please Master, please wake me up. Please, please, please. i'll beg. i'll plead. i'll do anything. just please. please. please just wake me up Master. Please.