The package and 3 days to go

Wednesday - a snowed in day, but i went down to our Make-a-Wish sponsor's apartment to pick-up out package. The MIT went with me, and i even took some pictures. The package included a Yatzee game, a large Star Wars tin with pins and a stretchy monkey in it, and the itinerary for the trip. It was so exciting to actually hold it in my hands. The itinerary also included a cheque for expenses while we were away, as we will need to take taxis for some of the planned adventures we are going to have.

Thursday - This day was spent trying to cash the cheque for the expenses. It took my Sister and i 4 hours, and lots of phone calls to get it done. There was a problem with who signed it, and the bank not having that person on the signature card. It finally got done and i was finally able to breath.

Thursday night - E and i needed a night out. We needed to get away from kids, and actually interact with grown-ups. So off we went to the Social/Mixer. It was nice. We met a new person. It was very interesting. It didn't talk and didn't "have a face" as it was wearing a latex mask, gloves, and clothes that covered its skin. It answered questions with a clip board. The night was otherwise calm. Well, i did cause a bit of trouble. i called someone by their real name even though they don't want to be called it. i got confrontational when a "Dom" called me a "subbie", and he apologized. It was fun.

Today - this morning i have a doctor's appointment. Soon. After that, time to relax. Later it will be therapy time again. i am not dreading it. i am not excited about it. i am kind of indifferent today. i have to much other stuff to think about. Laundry, packing, dishes, cleaning. Just alot of other stuff on my brain to fill that feeling spot right now. Plus, there are only 3 more sleeps before we get on a plane to New York. i am getting really excited. So is the MIT.

Anyways, off to start the day and get more ready than i am.

An apology of sorts

i realized this morning, that i did not send out loves and hugs to all the people in my life that i love and cherish and couldn't live without. So here is a little bit of that

P&E - i have known you both for 8 years (?). You have watched me grow. You have helped me grow. You have both been there to support me in everything i have done, even when it wasn't the smartest thing for me to do (remember the biter?) i know i have taken you for granted, and i hope to remedy that. i love you both. i walk around with your wisdom and words of encouragement in my head and know that no matter what i do, you will be there for me.

L&D - one i have known longer than the other, but as a pair, you are unimaginably wonderful. You have been there to listen to me, to help me cry, to bring me back up when i needed during this past (almost) year. i am glad to have gotten to know you both better, and cherish the support you have given, and hope you will continue to give. i love you both, and hope to keep you in my life for a very long time.

CB - although we have known each other for a long time, i still feel like i don't know you. i haven't put myself out to you as much as i should. i know you are there for me, and i hope in the future i can show that i am there for you. You can dress me anytime you want. We need to set up a special shopping day. You have a great fashion sense, and can always find a deal. i love you and hope to prove it more in the years to come.

D - You are my other mother. i still have the card you sent me even before meeting me. You are someone i look up to, especially now. i love you and your being in my life. You can play with my boobies any time.

H - You scared me when i first met you. Your stance, your height, your demeanour. i have learned of the fuzzy teddy bear that is inside you and love you for letting me get to know that side of you better. Your hugs are genuine, and comforting. i love you and am glad you are in my life.

Mom - i complain about you all the time. i get frustrated with you more often than not. You are a great power in my life, and i am glad i was born to you. i know i take you for granted at times, and for that i am sorry. You deserve more credit than i give you. You have helped me in raising the MIT, in keeping me sane, and financially. i love you, even when you drive me crazy.

Dad - i have always felt uneasy around you. Not knowing when i have pleased you or made you proud. When you stood up for me the other day, it was a wonderful feeling. i have always loved you and will always love you. Your passions (well at least Nascar) have become my passions. You have influenced my life in more ways than you know. You have taught me patience, dirty jokes, and how to make the best out of a really bad situation. i love you Dad.

Sis - my rock for the last year. You have been my secret support in all things. You listen to me complain, and don't try to fix it. You get blamed for things i do. You never get enough credit. You are the best sister anyone could have, and i am glad we have become more like friends as we have grown older. i love you

Mike - Even though You are not here anymore, i still carry with me parts of You. i still carry around the confidence You helped me build. i still see construction sites like i never did before. i can hear Your words in my head when i start to get down on myself. i am glad You finally felt more comfortable about Your whole self. i wish there had been more time to watch You grown to Your full potential. i will always love You and miss You.

That is all i can think of for now. i know some of the people i have written to won't ever see this. i also know i needed to say it. You are all positive people in my life and i am glad to know each and every one of you.

Valentine's day and Trapped

So it is Valentine's Day. Great. Single, with no partner. It is just another day. The MIT is getting a Valentine. Something He has earned. His own house key. He is going to be thrilled. When i let Him open it.

We are trapped in the house today. The snow at my door is higher than my knees. i know i am going to have to shovel. It is sad when a plow can't even make it threw all the snow in the survey. More snow is falling. Stores are closed. Services are cancelled. The city is shut down. It is really cool when you think about it. But to someone that has stuff to do, and a trip to plan for, it is really scary.

i feel like i have so much stuff to get done before we leave. Today does not feel like a day i should be stuck in the house, with no place to go, and nothing to get done. It feels like i should be up to my ears errands, chores and panic. At least i do not feel the panic. This is one of those days i have been telling the MIT about for years.

The big storms of my childhood. The stories of us and our neighbours going out and having show fights while the grownups try to shovel. Memories of everyone in the area helping each other out. i wish i was a kid again, and liked playing in the snow. i wish i had snow pants and could go out without worrying about feeling cold. Lots of hot chocolate would be had. OK, shovelling doesn't sound so bad anymore. Shovel, get hot chocolate, get exercise, and get to make a path from my front door to my van.

So, for today.....

• shovel walkway
• pack some clothes in luggage
• clean the bathroom
• do dishes
• vacuum the living room
• finish puzzle

OK, that sounds like a good plan. But first, the MIT gets His present!

T minus 6 days

In six days we leave. The MIT is still sick. He is off school again today. i seem to be starting to get His cold. i am not happy. i am going with the flow. If we are sick, so be it. We can still meet Mr. Myers. We can still go to NY. i just will be carrying lots of kleenex, and lots of decongestants. (mantra - just go with the flow and live in the moment)

The weather has changed here. It is now January. Lots of snow. The snow that has been sitting south or north is now here. Sure it will make driving around a little difficult, but i am one of those weird people that like the snow. Plus, most of my running around has been done. i only have to go out for a few things today. my Mom will be looking after the MIT during that time.

• take back MIT's pants
• pick up my hemmed pants
• fold and put clean laundry away
• clean the bathroom
• do dishes
• gather clothes and start packing

Not to stressful stuff. Stuff i can get done without worrying about the weather too much. Stuff that needs to be done. Stuff to keep me from going crazy. After today, there isn't much i HAVE to get done. It will all be packing, cleaning, and doing little things for me because they will make me feel better. i really want to get my eyebrows waxed before i go.

OK, time to feed the Monster.

A kink in the works

No, not that kind of kink. Try the MIT at home with a cold. i can't have Him going to school and prolonging this cold. i need Him healthy for the trip. So, home He shall stay. This means that what i planned for the day, is now screwed up. No aquafit. No major running around. No time to myself to clean. It is really hard to clean around Him. Today is officially the "go with the flow" kind of day i dread. i like order. The MIT breaks up that order.

As far as what i had to get done yesterday, i did most. i still have a few things from yesterday to do today, but it will all depend on timing. That and lots of tea, chicken noodle soup, and vitamin C's.

Stuff To Do

• pickup meds
• take back MIT pants
• get gas
• gather and put clothes and stuff into luggage

Not that big a list. i can even take the MIT out for that short amount of time. Not a big deal at all. i doubt the MIT will be able to go to school tomorrow. i will have to figure out what was scheduled for Tuesday and maybe work some of it in today. i will have to think about it.

On with my day.

Just a warning, Plus

This is a warning to those that read here and to myself. The next week will be filled with "To Do" lists, emotional stress, and panicked feeling. These will all be related to the trip the MIT, my Sis and i are taking next week. This is my preparation week. Not a pretty sight, but something i have to do.

To Do Sunday

• Shower and dress
• go to Day/night (drop of script and drug card)
• go to Value Village (take back pants for MIT
• go to Alterations (pickup pants, drop off pants)
• go to Food Basics (get pop)
• go to Mom and Dad's (dinner)
• go to Day/night (pickup script)
• come home

i am anxious and nervous and feel like i have too much stuff to do. i know i really don't, but i feel like i do. i just have to keep everything in perspective. i have lots of clean laundry to put away. i can do that in between the time to go to Mom and Dad's, and the time i am done running around. i am getting my luggage today, so i can start piling all the clean clothes i want to take with me in it. i have got to keep up on the laundry this week, so i am not stuck doing it all in one day.

Stuff i have already done is i have gotten books for me to read while away. i have gotten 4 pairs of pants hemmed (get to pick them up today). i have taken down the Christmas stuff. i have all the dishes done. i have all the laundry clean. i have my room pretty tidied.

i still have alot i want to get done. i want the MIT's room to be clean, i want all the floors to be cleaned. i want all the dishes done. i want to make sure the house is clean enough that when we return home, there isn't stuff for me to worry about, other than laundry and unpacking. That is my hope for this week. To get everything ready for the trip, and have the house nice for when we return.

OK. Time for my shower and to get moving.

One week and 3 days

i guess it is time for my weekly update.

1) Didn't go to aquafit at all
2) Only showered 2 times
3) Only drank all my water 2 times
4) Only cooked once
5) Ate after 8 each night
6) Did get dressed 4 times, but wore scrubs each time
7) Did go out 4 times
8) Did moisturize 5 times
9) Did do one foot procedure

i don't know why i fell back into my hiding place. i didn't try to fight it either. i went with the flow of wanting to just be at home and veg out. Next week will be filled with anxious energy, stress filled days, and worry. This isn't me giving power to the words, this is just me knowing that i am already feeling that way, and i still have no control over going away, and know how i am.

So, stuff to strive for this week
1) Shower 4 times this week
2) Get dressed 4 times this week
3) Drink 64 ounces of water each day
4) Go out 4 times this week
5) Moisturize 2 times each day
6) Gather together the clothes i want to take with me on the trip
7) Take my pants in to be hemmed
8) Find more red tops for the MIT
9) Gather together the clothes for the MIT for the trip
10) Gather together the other stuff for the trip
11) Wait for the "package" from Make-a-Wish
12) Go to Aquafit to relieve stress 2 times this week
13) Take Christmas stuff into the basement and out of the living room
14) Clean the house so it is nice to return home to

OK, it sounds like a lot of things, but i can do them all. i just have to keep myself busy and concentrate on what i want to do and can do, and stuff that doesn't get done means it wasn't all that important to me. i can already see a few things on the list i may not get done. No sweat though. i just have to learn to go with the flow

Feeling down

So far this week (which starts on Saturday for me), i have not reached many of my daily goals. i did not go to aquafit yesterday (i had a migraine). i did not drink my water. i ordered in when i really shouldn't have. i keep snacking after 8. i haven't left the house since i got home Sunday afternoon. i am feeling really down on myself right now.

The weekend was fun. i got to go to E's place and help P make her blush. i got to spend the night at L & D's place. Auntie L surprised me with a lovely, snugly, pink robe. i spent most of Sunday, and yesterday in it. It is like being held by a big teddy bear. It is so soft. i don't like taking it off. i have worn it to bed both nights.

On the Make-A-Wish front, i know where we are staying. i have looked at things that my sister and i can do either with the MIT or alone. i have found places i want to shop at. i have found places i want to take pictures of. i have negotiated with the MIT that He does not want to go to any plays (i had thought i had talked Him into Mama Mia, but i was wrong). He does want to see if He can be booked into any tapings of TV shows. Specifically the View (don't ask me why, i have no clue). i am feeling a bit better in control, now that i have done some research on what i want to do while there. i will also be borrowing my Nana's luggage. That way, i don't have to worry about fitting all of my stuff into my one bag, or even all of the MIT's stuff with it. i am thinking of packing an extra bag for stuff we buy while visiting.

i don't know how to get back on track yet. i will think on it today. That, or i will be playing Webkins all day.

It is Friday again

So yes, i am sure the MIT has school today. Yes i am up at the correct time. Yes the MIT is eating breakfast right now.

i survived, and actually thrived during the munch last night. i wore pants. i feel more assertive in pants. i feel more in control. Add my boots and i am down right confident. Well, outside my head. i find i pull off a more confident air, and can let myself act more of a bitch in those clothes. i confronted someone, out of spite, about the cookie swap back in December. It felt good. Really good. Listening to her spout off an excuse, thinking i would just accept it since she is a "Dom". me? i had to have the last word. That is just who i am. (she didn't answer any of my emails pertaining to the swap and said she didn't get them, and that she figured i would get a hold of her. NO thought on her getting a hold of me. She is "Dom") i also met new people. i joined their table, along with E. They were interesting people. It was nice to see new faces, and even 2 old faces. i think the two slings i had helped the situation allot.

This week i hit most of my goals. Considering i set more goals for this week over last week makes me feel good. i think i will add another goal to this week. i am just not sure which one. The hardest goals i had this week, was no eating after 8pm, and cooking Saturday and Sunday. that one i totally sucked those. For the no eating after 8, i was able to do it Saturday and Sunday night. The cooking Saturday and Sunday (and Monday) was trashed because i ordered in on Saturday (can't afford that) and then the celebratory dinner at my parent's house on Sunday. i did cook lunches every day. i think that counters the not cooking dinner those days.

Today is visiting the doctor's (to see how much i have gained) and then to therapy. i hope that today isn't going to be to stressful. i am kind of needing a "no drama" day. Likely won't happen. i will probably end up crying and wishing i could change everything. i am getting used to that.

Next week, i start aquafit with E and her mom D. We are going to go on Mondays and Wednesdays. Moving is always good, and having something to do during the day when the MIT is at school is a good idea for me. My sister is going to be giving me some money later this coming week, so i can go shopping for some things to wear to New York. (i have gained weight and the jeans L gave me, which are my favourite, don't fit anymore)

So, goals for this coming week (starting on Saturday)
1) shower 4 times (this week i managed 5 in total)
2) get dressed 4 times but wear scrubs only 1 time. (this week i managed every day this week)
3) drink 64 oz of water each day
4) cook dinner 3 times this week (either just for me, or for me and the MIT)
5) go out 4 times (other than aquafit)
6) no eating after 8:00 pm
7) moisturize my feet, hands, arms and legs 2 times each day
extras) aquafit 2 times, 2 foot procedures, find swimsuit, take the Christmas stuff down to the basement (i need it out of the living room. i really do)

i have to say, the sticker system is working for me. i like all the stickers i have and am using them wisely. And i am going to keep them all in a binder so i can keep an eye on my progress.

Ok, great. my printer just died.

6th time out of the house this week

So, i have made it out of the house each day this week so far. Either grocery shopping, or running around, or heading over to a friend's place. i even did 2 foot proceedures this week. i was able to not eat after 8, 3 nights. i have been drinking all my water. i have been showered 4 times already this week, with one more to go tomorrow. All is good, i guess.

Tonight i am headed out to the Hamilton Munch. i am nervous and scared. i don't like many of the people who go to this munch. i am especially scared of running into a couple that i had a dispute with back when Mike first died.

Tonight i am wearing Mike's calogne. i needed to smell Him again, and what better way than to smell like Him. It is calming me a bit. Not as much as i need, but enough for right now. Going to this munch always reminds me of Him. This is the one He always made it to, even if i couldn't. This is the munch that He enjoyed the most. E is going with me. i don't know if P will be there. i guess i will see. i am not looking forward to going. Not even the food. i know what Mike would order. He would have either the burger, or the fish and chips. i am just hoping to make it to the other side without completely loosing my composure.

School or not school

Today was supposed to be my first day, at home, without the MIT since the 19th of January. i set the alarm. i was up, and got the MIT up. All was right in the world. Well, not quite.

i had thought the MIT didn't get on the bus until 8:30, and not the usual 7:30, so i didn't wake Him up until 7:00. i had to rush Him to get dressed and force fed Him a peanut butter sandwich. We stood at the door, waiting for His bus. And we waited. And we waited. Finally, i called the bus company, and guess what. No school for the MIT today!

He is thrilled. me, not so much. So here we are. Home together again. me with running around to do. Him sitting comfortably on the couch. i had wanted to go look at clothes. i had wanted to just watch MY TV shows. i have got to get groceries today. i am going to have to drag Him out of the house to get groceries. This not having food for His lunches and for quick dinners for me is not right.

Wish me luck (whine)

i can always find a reason to stress

As my friends know, i am a list maker. i like to make lists to keep on track. i like to make lists when something new is about to happen. i like to make lists to help me feel in control.

Right now, i can not make a list in regards to the trip to New York. i don't have enough information yet. i don't know what time we are leaving for the airport. i don't know if the MIT needs to be in His wheelchair for the flight. i don't know what to pack in my carry-on. i don't know what to pack for the MIT's carry-on. i don't know when on the 21st the MIT meets Mike Myers. i don't know what to do while in New York on the free days we have. i don't know what time we are flying home. i don't know what to pack from my limited wardrobe. There is just to little that i do know.

i know we should be leaving on the 19th and returning on the 23rd. i know the MIT meets Mr. Myers on the 21st. That is it.

i need an itinerary. i need a schedule to follow. i need to know how much shopping to do before going. i need to know i should be shopping for. i need to know what the MIT wants to do on our free days. i need to know to know so much before i can start with lists. Lists keep me sane.

So because there is so much i don't know, i am starting to panic. i am starting to freak out. i totally freaked out last night. Crying and stressing and missing and more crying. i even binged last night.

i just really want more information!!!!!!!!!!!

The day after and some good news

So i survived the Confirmation. my Mom took center stage. She did what she always does. i was brushed to the side, and was just a member of the family. But, i kept on a much needed happy face, and even went to my parent's house for dinner. i did get sad at one point, knowing that Mike should have been there. Here is a picture of the MIT with His class and the Bishop after being confirmed.

Today i got a call from the Make-a-Wish foundation, and it is official. The MIT will be meeting Mike Myers on Wednesday February 21st. i don't know for sure what day we will be flying out, but it sounds like it will be on the Monday (19) and returning on the Friday (23). New York in February. i can't wait. Either can the MIT. He is actually excited. He is excited about the ride in a limo, and about being in a hotel room, and about meeting Mike Myers. i am more excited about being in New York. i want to take the MIT on tours. i want to take Him to see sites He has only seen on TV.

But my biggest thing about this trip? What the hell am i going to wear to meet Mike Myers. i know what the MIT is going to wear. He will be wearing His signature red shirt and green pant. Heck that is what He wore to His confirmation, why would meeting a movie/TV star and comic be any different. But what am I going to wear?

(some pictures of the cathedral)

Confirmation Day

i am so stressed out right now. i am not comfortable in any of my clothes. i can't seem to settle. i haven't wrapped the MIT's pressent. i am shaking about going to this without Mike. He would have fought tooth and nail about entering a church, but He would have come. He would be sitting next to me, watching the MIT take this leap from being a member of the church, to being an adult in the eyes of the church. He would also have kept me safe from my Mom's yelling.

That is what i am worried about. i am worried about how my Mom's stress is going to be taken out on me. i am sure she is going to find something wrong with how i am dressed. She will find something wrong with how i wrap the cross the MIT is getting. She will find fault in the tone of my voice, the way i look at her, my silence, my voice. She will find fault in anything i do, and i am in no mood to deal. If i could get away with having alcohol on my breath when she picked me up, i would definitly down a bottle of Bailey's. Instead, if they have communion, i will be taking more than a sip of the wine.

Well, time to take a deep breath, put on makeup, and try to calm down.

All in one day

Therapy went ok yesterday. Sandy asked me a bunch of questions about how the week has gone, and i vented about my Mom and the MIT's confirmation. She then asked me about how Mike would have helped me with it, if He would have been a buffer. So then there was lots of talk about how Mike was a part of the family. How He would calm me down if Mom got to agressive. How He would take care of certain things so i didn't have to go to my Mom for them. Then she said the word "How could you not miss Him?" See, this is my big issue right now. i think i should be not missing Him so much, but do. Anyways, then we got into how i still blame myself for His dying. How i don't really know if it was suicide or not. If it was His big passive-agressive side trying to find away out of the relationship. So we got into talking about Him, and His ability to accept Himself or not, and that brought up more about the BDSM side of our relationship that i had not been open about yet.

So i outted myself. i told Sandy (Jen wasn't there and i don't think i would have told if she was there) about how i am a submissive, and Mike was my Dominant (no i did not use the word Master...only baby steps) and that Mike had begon exploring more of His submissive side, and how He had started to accept that side of Himself. i explained that Mike had "another" that He played with. And all during that time, i could see Sandy counting off the reasons why it could have been suicide, or why it couldn't have been suicide, in her head.

i know that Mike's wife will never tell me what the cause of death was. She has set up road blocks so i can't find out what killed Him. i will have to wait and try to find out when death certificates and post morten reports become public so i can find out for myself.

In other news, today i am looking after E's kids this afternoon. i am going to have to figure out a way to entertain them. i am so broke right now it isn't funny. i am low on bread, on milk, on basic food items, and don't get any money until Monday. i hate being broke. i feel so out of control when i have no money.

i got an email from the AHC mailing list i am on. One of the girls (she is now 25, and i met her when she was about 11) is having more episodes that look like what the MIT has now. This is new for her. She didn't have these sorts of episodes way back when, and has progressed to having full blown episodes with eratic and trouble breathing. This is something that has been happening to the MIT since He was 4. Yes He is progressing to more difficulty breathing. Yes He has more full blown episodes than before, and yes they are scarier. Since AHC is progressive, what have i got waiting for me? What has He got waiting for Him? It scares me to think that there will be more for Him to deal with, that this could lead to His death. That is what it feels like when He has those types of episodes. Like He is going to die. There isn't anything the hospitals or doctors can do for Him during these episodes. i know what the family is going through, and i want to reach out, but how do i say that it will get worse? That the trouble breathing will increase. That the times when His body really lets Him down happens more often. How do i tell myself that worse things will be happening, and i can't do anything about it? i don't think i can go there right now. Enjoy Him while He is here. That is all i can do. Well that, and give Him more hugs and squeezes every day.

i also get to set goals for myself again for this week. Last week went pretty well. i am using a sticker chart and giving myselt stars or happy faces when i complete a task for the day.

1) Have 4 showers this week
2) Go out and get groceries on Monday with the MIT
3) Drink at least 64 oz of water each day
4) Cook dinner on Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights
5) Go out someplace (no just picking someone up) 3 times this week
6) Get dressed in real clothes 4 times this week
7) No eating after 8:00pm each night

The last one is really hard for me, but it is a healthy thing to do. Maybe after some time of me doing the water and the no eating after 8, i will be able to fit back into the jeans that L gave me, and looked so damn good on me.

Quick recap :
1) outted myself to Sandy as being a submissive and that Mike was a switch that wasn't comfortable in His own skin
2) i want to find out what Mike died from
3) complained about no money
5) i am worried about the MIT's health and future
4) goals set for this week

The end of my week

Today marks the end of my week. Tomorrow starts a new one. This week i did really well. i have gone out more than 3 times. Today's shower means i have had more than 3 showers. i have had all 64 onzes of water each day since i started that. i have gotten dressed more than 3 times this week. i am really proud of this.

Today also means going to see Sandy and Jen. i don't know what we will talk about. It all depends on how i feel at the time i guess. i think venting about my Mom might be on the agenda, but maybe not. We will see.

Having the MIT at home all week has been difficult, and i am over tired. His beeping through the night and me not getting to nap like i usually do is hard. i can't wait for His exams to be over. Then He can go to school again. Then i can do a different routine. Then again, maybe His being here is helping with a routine.

catching up on goals

So far this week, i have increased my water drinking, gotten dressed 2 times, showered once, gone out and gotten groceries. i did not cook on Saturday, or Sunday, but i did on Monday. So far, so good.

Yay me!

Finding a way outside

So, i have gotten up, put in 2 loads of laundry (one is in the dryer now, and the other is in the washer). i have had a shower (that's one). i have changed over to the new blogger format (i am thinking of making this password protected). i have put all my meds into my week case (it has seperate compartments for each day of the week, and for each time i am supposed to take my meds). i have even played with my Webkins. Now i just need to figure out how to get out the door.

i have grocery shopping to do. i have no eggs, hot chocolate, oatmeal, pop for the MIT, bread. i have to go to the store. i just can't seem to make myself. i know how to do it. i have done it many times over. i have my "tools" on how to survive it. my iPod is all charged and ready to go. i have my list of things to get. i am not hungry so i won't go off list. i should be able to do this. i guess i just have to talk myself into it more. Maybe i need to just do it.

Until then, a bit of a break-through. i started to write out a fantasy last night. i spent 1 hour on it, and already have 4 pages done. i don't know if i will post it here, because the premise points to people i know, and have talked about here. i don't know if i am ready to expose them to others in my fantasy. i am thinking i will ask them if i should post it here, but that means letting them read it. i don't know if i want evil (in a good way) minds knowing what i am thinking about.

Oh and on the rest of my goals list i posted yesterday. i didn't cook last night, unless you count leftovers. Which i am doing. I also have a new goal. i found my old Weight Watchers sport bottle thingy, and am going to have at least 2 full ones, filled with water each day. Water is good for you. i need to start drinking more water and less pop.

Ok, this is still me figuring out how to get out the door. Wish me luck

Update : i made it outside. That means that i also got dressed in real clothes (that's 1). i went and got groceries all by myself, and i even went to get smokes from the reserve. i am now totally wiped out, and ready for a nap.

After Therapy

Therapy was ok today. i walked in with an ok attitude (i had just gotten 2 interesting phone calls, and the effect was nice). Sandy took it easy on me. i only cried a little.

We talked about what Mike has left me with. Not just material stuff, but emotional stuff. i can still see myself threw His eyes. i can still see myself as beautiful. i can still see myself as a good submissive. i can still see myself as confident in some things. Yeah there are still issues, and i have had some set backs in looking at myself threw His eyes, but it made me feel better to hear it, and is making me more aware of how i look at things.

i need to set some goals for myself. i haven't had any goals since Christmas. It is time again. Especially after this past week. So, goals for this week (Friday-Friday)

1) Shower 3 times. (compared to the no times over the past 7 days)
2) Get dressed 3 times. (compared to the wearing pajamas all week)
3) Do 3 reflexology treatments
4) Cook meals on Saturday, Sunday and Monday
5) Get out of the house and get groceries, alone (compared to having others take me out for little running around sessions)

Well, i guess that is all. Here is hoping i can do it.

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Something positive?

OK, positive thoughts.

The MIT is still a light in my life and i get to spend all next week with Him again. He has the week off because He doesn't get to take exams. He and i get to spend more quality and quantity time together. He is so cuddly.

i have been taking my medications when i should. This is a big deal for me, since i would rather sleep my time away, and have actually gotten up and taken my meds as prescribed.

i have completed 2 foot procedures since the new year started. i still have alot to do, but i have cleaned up my room more, so i can take clients in there, even if the nurse and MIT are here. i don't know when people will come here, but i will work it out. i just wish i had more people that i could do procedures on. (Anyone in the Toronto/Hamilton/St. Catherine's area want to volunteer? No charge. Donations welcomed.)

i have 2 webkins (http://www.webkins.com) that keep me entertained and out of trouble.

Well, that is all i can think of. Maybe i will come up with more later.

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Broken still

i have been feeling broken since the 12th. That was the date of my last therapy session. i said things out loud, i had been protecting myself from feeling. All this week i have felt like i was split apart in many different pieces. i have hidden in my room, wearing only pajamas all week. Even going out to the store i have worn pajamas. i have been crying at the drop of a hat. i have cancelled going out to stuff. i have curled up in the dark, listening to nothing, drinking hot chocolate. i have sat on my bed, surrounded by covers and pillows and stuffed things, colouring. i have been working on puzzles and trying to piece them together. Today is therapy again, and i am not looking forward to it.

i am worried about feeling more broken and in more pieces. It makes me feel out of control (and not in the good way). i don't know if i can handle another week of feeling like this. i want all the sad to go away. i want all the hurt to go away. i want to be able to look forward to waking up again. i want to feel in control again. i want to stop crying for no reason. (ok, so there is a reason, but shouldn't i be over it by now?) i don't want to post or feel only sad things. i want to feel some joy again.

i am going to post a second entry in a minute, trying to post positive things about this past week or so. i want to post positive thoughts and maybe a fantasy or something that isn't so sad and weak.

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No School due to Weather

That is right. It is the very first day of school closures due to the weather. It isn't a snow day though, because that would imply that we actually have snow. We don't. We have ice and ice.

Ice, although dangerous, is pretty. The trees are all glittery. The sidewalks have that shimmery surface that only ice can give it. The rain is still falling, and the ice is still forming, so who knows how much this ice will do to things.

What i know, is that i am almost out of diet Pepsi, hot chocolate, and even some meds. All these things i need to leave the house to get. That means driving on icy roads with people that may not be used to driving on ice. i am not sure that is a challenge i am up to. We will see if i actually leave the house or not. At least i have tea. That will help me feel all warm and cozy, along with my pajamas, and a puzzle to complete.

i just wish there was snow.

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Feeling broken

i had therapy on Friday, and since then i have felt broken. i feel like there are so many pieces of me shattered that i can't put myself back together. i have been hiding in my room since.

Sandy got me to say out loud how much i am missing Mike. How i still want to just plain wake up and it be May again. How i think maybe i am the one passes out in a hospital bed and everyone is waiting for me to wake-up. That Mike is sitting by my side and holding my hand and the MIT is with Him, and my parents, and everyone is just waiting for me. That i am the one that is dead and living in hell. Yes i have been feeling this, and yes i can put on a happy face at times, but that is how i feel. She got me to say it out loud.

Now i feel broken. Lost in grief again. Not knowing how to come out the other side. Crying is a constant. Thinking i have upset people, that i have let people down, that i am alone in feeling all this.

i feel like saying sorry to L&D for screwing up and eating cashews. i feel like saying sorry to P&E for not helping with the move. i feel like making it up to everyone but i don't know how. i am glad the MIT isn't here with me today, or even last night. He shouldn't have to see all this again. He shouldn't have to live in a sad house again. But that is how i feel. Sad. Lost in this feeling like i can never be whole again. Lost in this feeling that it is all my fault, that if i had done something differently Mike would still be here. Lost in guilt and grief and fear.

i feel so broken, and i don't know how to put the pieces together again. i tried taking down all the Christmas stuff and stuffing it all in its boxes. That just made me feel more sad. i tried talking to Him last night, asking Him to wake me up, but here i am, alone. i don't know how to get out of feeling this way. i don't know how to feel whole again.

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Nuts!

Yesterday i did something stupid. i ate some cashews. Let me explain

On May 9th, 2006, i was diagnosed with allergies to tree nuts. i have an epi-pen incase this allergy causes trouble breathing. Tree nuts include almonds, walnuts, pecans, pistachio, brazil nuts, beechnuts, cashews, chestnuts, and macadamia nuts. i am not allergic to peanuts. Peanuts are a different nut all together. Since being diagnosed, i have eaten some types of tree nuts, like walnuts and almonds, with no reaction. That is a good thing.

So, after cleaning L&D's place, and after getting the girls, i had some cashews from a container of mixed nuts that were on the table. Within 15 mins (might have been less) my stomach was cramping, and i was vomiting. i already had benadryl in me (L&D have cats) so the itching and sneezing stuff didn't happen. Luckily, i did not get any breathing problems. i kept falling asleep. Even after L got home, i would doze off. i felt like i was outside of my body. It felt really weird. i left early, not getting any reflexology practice, and drove all the way home. Shortly after that, i was fast asleep. i slept all night long.

i love cashews. i remember eating them every Christmas time. Unfortunately, my body has now decided that cashews are not a good food for me. This morning my body is not happy with me. i missed last night's meds. i am itchy and my eyes are swollen. my face is blotchy. i look like a mess. So, no more cashews for me.

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Looking to the positive

Things feel like they are going better. i guess i am feeling better also. i have been taking my medication when i am supposed to. 6:30, 12:00, 5:00, and 9:30. i am taking all of them and not missing any. i am also taking my puffers when i am supposed to, and not over using them. my cough feels better, and my voice is coming back to normal. i even got to do 2 reflexology treatments last night.

i haven't heard anything from either the President Choice Charities people (wheelchair van) or the Make-a-Wish people (meeting Mike Myers). i hope to hear from them soon. This waiting sucks. Even with the waiting, good things seem to be happening.

The MIT is getting confirmed (Anglican style) on the 28th. This is something He really wants to do. He has been taking the confirmation classes for a bit, and is enjoying them. He has true faith. He doesn't question why bad things happen, or why God would do something like take a life. He gets mad at God at times, but still believes with His whole heart that there is God and Jesus was God's son. It is nice to see that He believes in something so fully. That isn't to say He puts down other beliefs. He understands and has interest in the Jewish faith. i have introduced Him to the Pagan faith. His next interest is Islam. He even attends a Catholic High School. It is like He wants to understand them all, and get a sense of them all, but He still believes in Christianity. He is a really cool kid that way. i really got to enjoy Him again, during the Christmas vacation time. i hope i can say the same in another week, when He is off for exams.

For me, well, today puts me back on a normally scheduled event. i get to clean today! No, not my house. i hate cleaning my house. i get to clean L&D's place today. i am also going to get to do a reflexology treatment on at least L.

So, i may be fighting it with almost everything i have, but life seems to be going forward. i still need to get on with life here at home. Yes the tree is down, but all the decorations are either still up, or sitting on my kitchen table. i need to put that stuff away. i also need to start taking care of myself in other ways. i haven't shaved in forever. my pits are hairy, and so are my legs and other areas. my feet are dry and scaly. my skin is all dry and needs looking after. i haven't put makeup on in forever. My dress feels sloppy and unkempt because i just don't seem to care. i need to start taking care of myself that way. Yes, the nasty part of my brain keeps speaking up, and reminds me that i have no one to do it for, but i do. i have myself to do it for.

i am also starting to crave again. Crave giving myself over to Another. Crave following direction. Crave pain and release. Crave being under someone's thumb. i have the desire, the craving, but that nasty part of my brain keeps speaking up about how it hasn't been long enough. That i would be pushing myself too soon. i don't know about all that, just that i am craving again.

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A punch to the gut

i just read an email from the AHC (Alternating Hemilplegia of Childhood) list. It was from a parent i had met when the MIT was first diagnosed. At the time, the daughter was an active pre-teen. She was having a few episodes, doing ok in school, was in special classes for most subjects, and had red hair and glasses. i was scared of her. i saw the way she walked, and it wasn't a "normal" walk. i heard the way she spoke and it wasn't a "normal" speach. Other than that, she was fine.

Over the years, i have read about her progress, but nothing warned me about the email i just read. She is now having the stopping breathing episodes. She is having more and more days where she can't move. She needs to be fed more often then she can feed herself. None of this was ever commented on before. The family can't find a group home for her, since she stops breathing so often. They are looking into a nursing home for her. She is now 25.

The MIT shows this behaviour now. The stopping breathing. More and more episodes where He needs constant care. If this is where He is now, and she has progressed to where He already is, how much longer? How much longer before He gets worse and worse? How much worse can He get? How much longer will He be with me?

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hmmmm.....

i have got to get into doing my foot procedures done. i have to do 70 procedures (not 70 people, and not 70 feet). i have done 5. Yes, i said 5. So, i have to get them done. i want to complete this. i want to be able to make money at this eventually. Sitting on my butt is not going to do it.

i have set it up so i can get started. i have arranged that my Sis will watch the MIT on Thursday nights so i can get at least one procedure in (maybe 3 if i am allowed to do the girls, and maybe even 4, if i get to do the boy). i am also going to be going over to E's every Wednesday so i can do at least one that night (maybe 3 if i can get the girl and boy to let me). Then there will be the occasional person on a weekend. If i can keep up this pace (limited to 2 people per week) it will take me about 32 weeks. If i can add in the other people, or even find other people, it will take me shorter.

i also have to set up a date to write my exam, and book times for my mid-term and final practical exams.

i have all my stuff now. i have the pillows. i have my pillow cases. i have my charts. i have my paperwork. i have all my towels and witch hazel. i have a space in my room to do the procedures. i have everything i need. i have everything, except the chair. i can work around the chair. i can have people lay on my bed and i can sit on a stool and do the procedure. That isn't really a big issue, but i really want that darn chair.

The chair is a portable recliner. i used one at the school. It is easy to use, and easy to set up. It is perfect. The way it is made, i have a spot to hang towels and stuff off of. i have a spot to put my bottle of witch hazel. i have full access to the person's feet without hurting my back. It is the perfect chair, and even recommended by the Ontario Institute of Reflexology. i want one!!!!!

Here is the link to a picture of it. Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it perfect?
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B00011HJLQ/ref=dp_image_0/103-2972667-1950265?ie=UTF8&n=286168&s=garden

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Back to the old routine

The MIT is back at school today. That means we have to start our old routine.

i wake-up and play on the computer from 5:30-6:00
i wake the MIT at 6:00, then He gets dressed
breakfast for the MIT from 6:30-7:00
7:00 MIT puts on coat, socks and shoes and gets ready for the bus
between 7:20-7:30 the bus gets the MIT

From that point, it is all me time. Today i am going to head back to bed for a nap, then get up for lunch. After lunch, do running around. i must be home for the MIT by 2:30. Maybe getting back into a routine will be good for me. It will give me structure. It will give me something to wake-up for each morning. i just wish i didn't have to get up at 5:30 to make sure everything runs smoothly.

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Therapy

i reclaimed something Thursday night. Something i thought was lost with Mike's death. The ability to make myself orgasm without that "yes" in my ear. i did it. Yes i still asked for permission out loud. Yes i still begged for me to be allowed. It was like i gave myself permission. Man did i feel guilty afterwards. i still do. i feel like i betrayed Him. That i let Him down.

Yesterday was a busy day. First it was my doctor's appointment. Then was the session with (what the MIT calls them) my Beths.

The doctor's went well. i lost 5 lbs. my blood pressure was normal. i got a new med to help with my asthma. She checked my chest to make sure there wasn't an infection. She said there were a few rumbles, but not to be worried. She took a peak out to the MIT and saw how big He is getting. She told me some gossip about another doctor i know. It was a really cool.

The Beths. Lets see. They have realized that right now my big block is involving Mike, and not the MIT. Yes i have issues i need to work through concerning the MIT, His disorder, His changing status, but none of that is what is really holding me back right now, or what is motivating the thoughts of suicide and anxiety. It is hard not telling them everything about the type of relationship i had with Mike. i have danced around it. i have said things like we negotiated about "rules" (yes i did the quote thing in the air when i said it), that there were consequences to not following what we had negotiated. i have said that He guided me threw allot of stuff, and helped me set goals. i have said that i feel lost since His death. i don't think i have come all out and said what our relationship was really like. i don't know if i really want them to know. Yes i think they will judge me if they knew.

So we talked about how the relationship was. They said i had a smile on my face when i talked about Him and i. Even when i talked about the arguments, and the breakups we went through. i didn't feel like i smiled. i just remembering pain. Pain in my chest. Pain in my stomach. Physical pain when describing memories. We talked about how guilty i feel for not being able to stop Him from dying. How i should have still been online with Him so i could have called 911. How i don't know how or why He died and i am sure i could have done something to make it not happen.

When i got home, all i could do was cry. Cry and weep and feel more pain. Cry over the loss of my collar around my neck. Cry for not being able to remember what His voice sounds like. Cry for not being able to smell Him on His clothes. Cry for not being able to remember what kissing Him feels like. Cry for Him not being here to hold me. Cry for not having to worry about where i sit in the house. Cry for sitting in His place on the couch and ignoring my space on the floor. Cry for missing Him so much it hurts.

i feel like i am stuck. i feel like i am lost in tears and sadness and can't see to tomorrow anymore. i am scared of the MIT going back to school and having nothing to do during the day anymore. i am scared that i have lost my power to motivate myself. i am tired. i am just so tired again. i miss feeling joy, or happiness.

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Remembering what i promised myself.

Each year i review what promises i made to myself, and see if i was able to accomplish them. Then, in another post, i put my new promises to myself. i don't know how i feel about all this right now, but sticking with tradition is important to me. Here is my review of last year's promises.

i will wake-up and go out the door every morning. Yes, i did do this, with thanks to E. She had me driving her to school each morning, so it was possible. Well, it was until she was done with school. Since then, nope.

i will continue to lose weight and maybe reach my "under 200 lbs by Christmas" goal. NOPE. NOT. Didn't do.

i will let go of trying to make the relationship with Master the way i want, and let Him guide me to where He wants this to go. i did do this. i did for a bit. Then we broke-up. But when we got back together, i did do this. i did this for well over 2 months. Right up until the day He died

i will not use my basement as a storage locker for empty boxes and junk. Definitly have accomplished this. my basement was cleaned out last summer, and has stayed just about as clean as it was then.

i will accept help from others when it is offered. i have had to learn to do this. It is still a struggle, but i think i have improved. i know i have to keep working on this.

i will not order french fries with any meals, but have a salad instead. Yeah, ok, sure.

i will reach out to those that have offered their hand to me, even if i don't feel worthy. i have had to learn to do this more and more. i know i have to keep working on this. i am feeling more and more unworthy as time keeps going, as my emotions keep going up and down.

So that is the end of the review. i don't know how i feel right now about the upcoming change in numbers. i don't know if i can think of anything i want to accomplish in a year. i am having trouble seeing infront of me. The idea that the new year is supposed to be filled with hope, while i feel so hopeless is physically hurting me. Maybe i won't make any promises to myself this year. Maybe i just can't this year.

A Jumble of thoughts

There has been good going on here. Good is nice. i just can't seem to concentrate on the good. my head is full of the bad.

i can't see past the 31st. i can't see a year without Him. i can't see ringing in the new year without that call from Him. i can't see being alone, without Him. i can't face being alone, without Him.

i know logically that i am not alone. i have friends and family. i have people around me that care. But truth be told, they are all couples. They all have someone. They have someone they can be sexual with. They have someone they can be themselves around. They have someone that shares, on a daily basis, the good and the bad that happens in their life. i don't have that someone for me.

i don't have someone that i can call and ask to bring home extra milk. i don't have someone that will give me a hug when they walk in the door because they know that it was a hard day for me. i don't have that someone to sleep next to. i don't have that someone that i can cuddle up to and feel safe in their arms all night long. In this sense, i am alone. i am truly alone.

These are the thoughts that are tormenting me. The thoughts that pull me back, into my bed to hide. The thoughts that pull me deeper into a dark space. The thoughts that keep me up at night.

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Christmas Eve (well during the day)

Yule was wonderful. A great meal, great company, wonderful atmosphere, awesome friends. It was homey, and comfortable. It was full of laughter, and full of joy. The MIT and i felt so relaxed there. my only complaint was that there wasn't anything for me to do to help out. LOL. We didn't get around to the Yule Log, or the wreath making, but that is ok. i think that would have just stressed us all out, trying to fit it all in.

i think the gifts i gave were welcomed. The girls each got a hand made scarf, and a beaded mitten change purse. D got a pink apron and a beaded panties change purse plus a dog tag that said "Has anyone seen my balls". L got 2 sarongs. The MIT got a clay kit, and already has plans with L of what they are going to make. i got Penny the Puppy Purse, 2 dog tags (for the army brat in me) and a "medal" to wear with my army jacket.

Yesterday was busy-ish for me. i wrapped all the remaining gifts (including those from Santa). i think it took me about 3 hours. Doesn't matter. It is all done. i also did some cleaning up, in preparation for the family coming tomorrow. There are still dishes to do, and to clean the bathroom, but i am not worried about that. Today is some running around and then cooking the turkey. i know i could do it tomorrow, i just don't want to feel rushed about it. So, now that i am showered and dressed, it is time to head out. Wish me luck with all the last minute shoppers.

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Changing on a dime

Remember me complaining yesterday? i do. Then something special happened

my passport arrived. Things with Make-a-Wish will no longer be at a standstill. i went and picked it up, took it and the MIT's to my Sister's work. She photocopied all 3 passports, and faxed them off, while i waited (hovered) to make sure it they went through ok.

That little thing, changed my mood quickly. i no longer dreaded going to the munch. i actually had fun dividing out the cookies. i didn't mind the fact that i had flucked up the chart i had made, and had to do last minute juggling. i didn't mind the little joking that went along with it from E and P. i only looked for Mike once, although i kept waiting for Him to touch me on the back and tell me to settle down. i had fun seeing people i don't often see, and seeing new people come out to the munch (2 just for the cookie swap). It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i actually enjoyed myself.

And....MY PASSPORT CAME!!!!!!

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Christmas Munch

Tonight is the munch and the cookie swap. i am finding myself feeling not all that happy about having to go. i have to be "on" tonight. i have to be social. i have to be organized. i will have no time to be depressed or out of sorts. i have to divide up cookies between 12 different participants. i just don't feel like being "on" tonight. i don't want to be all cheerful. i don't want to be the one that HAS to be there. i should have thought of all this before planning on doing my "normal". i don't want to go in the shower and pretty myself up. i don't want to dress festive. i don't want to be the one to introduce people all around.

What i do want is to stay home. i want to curl up and stay in my pajamas. i want to ignore everyone and everything. i just want to hide right now. Instead, i am going to be having my Mom pick me and the MIT up, drive them both down to my Nana's. After that, head back up the mountain and pick up E and her kids, then drive the kids down to D's. Then E and i head to Toronto for the munch. That is when i have to be "on". That is when i have to put on a happy face and be social. After the munch, i will be driving E back to D's to get the kids, then drop E and the kids of at her place, then finally head home to bed.

Tomorrow, will be different. Tomorrow i have school again. i get to do a full procedure again on someone. It will count towards the 70 i have to do. i haven't been very good at doing foot procedures. i had thought by this point to have triple what i have now. Anyways, it doesn't matter.

i will get my 70 done. i will have my shower as soon as the MIT gets home from school. i will do all the driving. i will listen to music that E likes. i will be social and "on" for the munch. i will divide up all the cookies, and i will wear a smile on my face while i do it. i just really wish Mike was going to be there tonight. i am really missing Him today.

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A new wrench in the mix

Let's see. i had a busy-ish day planned. A couple of things to do. Not really all that much. One task out of the house, one in. A manageable amount of stuff to do.

First was getting my eyebrows waxed. Went well. No ill effects except for the redness. my brows are now shaped and pretty and all better.

Next was driving E out to get papers signed. i over estimated the length of time it would take to get her there, which got me a drive-by tour of the new area. Went well. No big deal.

i then went to my doctor's appointment. my blood pressure is a little high (ok, more than a little). my weight was up by 1/2 a pound. The headache yesterday was probably my blood pressure being high. i probably have a kidney infection which is what is causing my back pain. No big deals. Everything is still ok. i am doing fine.

This is when things went wonky. i went down to the van, started to pull out. The van felt weird. A pedestrian stopped me and told me my tire was flat. Really, really flat. i pulled back into my spot, and called CAA. Waited for them to show up and change my tired (i actually know how to do it, but the way my brain went, i had to call for help). Tire got changed, went to pick-up my Mom. Took the tire to Speedy. They fixed it for free and put it back on the van. They are nice to me there. Took my Mom to a special store to buy me an stained glass angel. Took her home. i handled it all. i didn't have a full out panic attack. i didn't break down. i called CAA all on my own without needing anyone to tell me to. i did good.

Then i came home and broke. i had the same reaction as i did all those years ago, before i got to the point of burying things. i handled the situation, then after, when things were all safe, i broke. i used to vomit because of the stress i would feel, or i would cry and bang my head against a wall. This time i fell asleep. i don't even remember feeling tired. i woke up when the MIT got home, then fell right back asleep. The MIT took real good care of Himself and stayed out of trouble. i did get up about 4:45. The MIT and i had some fun joking around. Right now, the MIT is out with my Sis. They will be back soon.

i am proud of how i handled everything. i am proud of how i was able to think once i found out my tire was flat. i am proud that i dealt with my Mom after the flat. i am so proud of myself. i just really want to still sleep.

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Moving past a headache

Cookies are being baked.  Yule stuff has been bought.  Christmas music is playing.  Tree is lit.  Head is pounding.  The headache is something i can get past.  It happens.  It is actually a little motivating.  Knowing that when i finish everything, i can lie down without interruption, is a good thing. 

Last night was weird.  After i posted, my sister called and said that i was being 10.  That she remembers me, and her, doing the exactly same thing.  She even agreed that baking wouldn't be a good thing, since a 10 year old can't bake by herself.  i love my sister.  She has become my best support since Mike has died.  She is even playing Santa to me this year.  i know she is getting me colouring books and some other stuff that Mike would usually get me.  She is very special.  i just wish i could help her as much as she helps me.

Later, when it was bed time, i grabbed my Christmas Eeyore.  He has antlers and a scarf.  Mike got it for me last year.  i curled into bed, and suddenly i was crying.  i haven't done that in a while.  i just lay in bed, ignoring my other stuffed friends, and held Eeyore tightly, crying.  It wasn't an all out heart breaking cry.  Just a needing to grieve a bit cry.  It didn't last long, and i did feel a bit better after i woke up.  i guess i needed it. 

Anyways, time to bake more cookies for Tuesday.

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Motivation please

i just can't find the motivation to get into the kitchen and bake.  All i really feel like doing is sitting in front of the tree, music playing in the background and read.  i don't even have the TV on.  me, without TV.  Something is definitely off with me right now. 

i know if i don't bake some today, i will have to do it all tomorrow.  i don't want to put myself into the position of being in a crunch.  i just can't seem to get my ass in gear.  It isn't like it is all that late tonight.  i still have plenty of time to get in the kitchen.  i just don't feel like it. 

Maybe i'll just give myself some time to relax in the quiet, and then get to the baking.  Even if i don't do it today, tomorrow isn't a busy day for me, and i can do it then.  Living in the moment and enjoying it is important.  Being able to sit and listen to Christmas music while basking in the glow of my tree may be exactly what i need tonight.  Maybe i could add in a little libation to my evening.  Hmmmm.  Now that sounds great.  Bailey's, Christmas tree lights, a good book, and music.  Add in a bath and then tucking myself into bed, and i think i will have a nice Saturday night. 

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One more left

i only have one more gift to buy, and then i am done. Not only that, but the tree is decorated. i am not really feeling the "holiday spirit", but that is ok. That will come and go.

Therapy went ok. i had to meet with only the student counceler. We talked a bit about how things are going. She wanted to talk about what it was like and how i felt being pregnant, and about how the MIT seems to be progressing backwards, but i told her no. They are trying to teach me to stay in the moment, and let my energies go to that, and i felt that exploring that avenue of my issues would be taking away from dealing with the hear and now and the holidays. We did talk about how she sees / hears a difference in my attitude about certain things. A good example is the 21st.

The 21st would be the day that Mike and the MIT and i would celebrate our Christmas / Yule* together. To make the day more ok for me, i have plans for that night. Plans to be with friends that are supportive of me feeling what i feel, when i feel it. There will be no pressure of having to be happy the entire time. There will be on pressure of having to feel grief that night. No matter how i feel, it will be ok. Plus, when i talked to the councelor about it, i used words like "might" have a problem, instead of "will" have a problem. i talked in maybe's and if it does. That definitly is a change for me. i have E to thank for that one. She taught me that about when the MIT started high school. That there is power in how we think, and that by expecting the worse, i am setting myself up. i talked about that with the councelor. That by saying it would be a difficult day, i would be setting myself up in 2 ways. Either i would have fun and be mad at myself for enjoying things to much, or i would be grumpy and withdrawn, and be mad at myself for not enjoying the night. The councelor thinks i am looking at the holidays in a healthy way. She was suprised to learn i have even gone grocery shopping alone.

Overall, therapy went well. i walked out feeling like i could survive all this grieving and the whole holiday season. i walked out knowing in my heart that i have friends that are supportive of me, and that i don't have to hide how i feel around them. It is like by saying it outloud it made it more real to me. Even the MIT has been more supportive of me grieving. He no longer says He hates Mike when i am upset. He says "you are thinking of MFM** aren't you?", and lets it go at that.

This post is feeling pretty jumbled. It is covering a lot of stuff i didn't expect to put in it. That is ok. This is a place for me to vent for a while. Plus, this venting is all good.

*Note : i actually had to explain what Yule was to the councelor. She thought it was some sort of party. Now that was fun.
**Note : MFM stands for Mike's initials.

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Today sucks

It all started about 11 last night.  That is when the MIT started to vomit.  He vomits quietly.  No gagging, no moaning that his stomach hurt.  Just a whiff of a smell as i walked passed His room.  i got Him up, and showered Him and changed His sheets.  Waited a bit, in the dark.  Waited to see if it would happen again.  Took about 1/2 hour, before it happened again.  That is when the vigil started.  me, sitting in the dark, with a flashlight, waiting for Him to barf again.  After a while it became bile.  It kept happening.  Finally, at 10 this morning, it stopped.  He woke hungry.  Welcome to the migraine of my MIT. 

Obviously i didn't go to clean today.  i finally was able to nap after i got the MIT off to school.  i decided i could re cooperate better if He wasn't here.  So, i did get some sleep.  About an hour or so. 

Then more bad news.  my passport didn't come in today, like it was supposed to.  i called the passport office, and guess what.  my passport hasn't finished being processed yet.  Although the woman at the office said it was guaranteed to be sent out on the 12th, it doesn't matter.  Apparently they are too busy this year.  Apparently it is "hoped" that they will be processed in 10 working days from the day it is handed in to the office.  So, no passport, means no movement on the Make-a-Wish trip.  It is at a stand still. 

The MIT has left for karate.  i am home alone.  i don't feel like decorating the tree.  i don't want to go into the basement.  i don't want to get all cheerful.  i don't want to do anything right now, except hide in my room and sleep.  i think that is exactly what i am going to do.  Crawl into bed, maybe read for a bit.  Do absolutely nothing until the MIT comes home. 

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Less rushed...i think

2 projects are done.  i am impressed and proud of getting them done.  The problem i still am having is not feeling overwhelmed by everything. 

i still feel like there isn't enough time.  i feel like i have so much to get done, and won't be able to complete it all.  i feel like i can't do it all alone.  Hell, the tree is still naked cause i don't want to decorate it by myself.  If Mike was here, He would have me break down everything and handle one task at a time.  So that is what i am coing to do. 

i am going to make myself a list of what i am doing tomorrow.  My schedule of the day basically.  Please don't feel like you have to read on.  This is for me.

- wake-up
- play on computer
- get wheelchair ready for school (pack MIT’s lunch)
- wake the MIT
- get the MIT dressed
- get the MIT’s breakfast)
- get MIT ready and off to school
- take out garbage
- take out recycling
- pack my bag (incl lunch and dinner)
- pack MIT's bag for karate 
- get gas
- leave for Toronto
- Clean L's house (Yeay!!!!!)
- get M&S from school
- watch M&S
- MIT comes home
- SSAH worker takes MIT off the bus (while i am in Toronto)
- MIT goes to karate (while i am in Toronto)
- eat packed dinner at Laura’s
- leave for Hamilton
- come home
- take ironing board to basement
- bring up tree decorations
- MIT comes home
- get MIT ready for bed
- put MIT to bed
- put on Christmas music
- decorate tree
- go to bed

Friday is : shopping (3 gifts, and groceries), Therapy (1:00), baking cookies (1st batch)
Saturday is : go to Michael's (Yule stuff), bake cookies (2nd batch)
Sunday is : bake cookies (3rd batch), wrap friend's gifts

Ok, i think i can do this for the next couple of days.  i can get a handle on what i need to do, and what i want to do.  Take it slow.  Don't push myself to much.  Don't add more pressure, as this is supposed to be a fun time.  Not a stressful time.  i can do this, without freaking out.  i can do this.

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Time Crunch

i am feeling like there isn't enough time to do everything.  Here is my "to do" list.

Decorate the tree (Soon, a bare tree is depressing)
Finish gifts the MIT is giving (before 21st)
Finish gifts i am giving (before the 21st
Buy 2 gifts (before the 26th)
Do dishes (daily thing)
Bake cookies (before the 19th)
3 doctor appointments (all before the 25th)
1 day of school (last class on the 20th)
Wrap gifts with the MIT
Wrap gifts without the MIT
Munch / Cookie Swap (19th)

Ok, so breaking it down, it doesn't look that bad.  It is do-able.  i can finish the stuff with the MIT tonight.  i can start the decorating the tree tonight.  i can work on the gifts i am making tomorrow.  i can bake Fri. night,  Sat. night, and Sun.  i can do shopping on Sat. while the nurse is here for the MIT.  i have no studying to do before school on the 20th. 

Breaking stuff down, definitly helps me feel more in control.  My big "thing" right now, is the naked tree.  It smells nice, and is big and looks good.  Well, good for a naked tree.  i just want to decorate it.  One thing at a time.  Finish off the thing with the MIT, then i can move on to getting up the decorations for the tree, and working on that tonight. 

Motto for right now......One thing at a time.  Just one thing at a time. 

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The start of me getting ready for the holidays

Tree day went ok.  i had moments when things were rough for me.  i couldn't for the life of me pick a tree.  The one i finally picked was because it had a nest in it.  To me, it meant it held life.  Yes the nest was empty, and made of moss and paper.  i don't know what kind of nest it was, but it once held life.  my Dad cleaned out the nest, and then had it put on the shaker, just to make sure no one was still living in it.  Once we got the wrapper off of it, it exploded.  branches and needles everywhere.  It is so big, moving furniture may be in order.  i have to say it is a beautiful tree.  It isn't decorated yet, but i am enjoying the smell. 

Today i planned on baking cookies for the cookie swap i am running.  So far, there are 14 people joined up (that includes me).  i am dividing the group into 2, but have decided that i am baking cookies for everyone so i can get cookies back from everyone.  i am going to be the only one that gets ALL cookie types.  Everyone else will walk away with 6 dozen.  i will walk away with 13.  Enough cookies to provide presents for people i am not that close to.  i don't know if i feel like baking, but i have decided that i will do at least one batch.  It won't be enough (13 dozen = 156 cookies), and i don't really know how many people it will take care of.  i just know it is a recipe i like, and have used in the past and was a winner the year i made them.

Today is also Mommy and MIT day.  Tonight is all about tacos.  i am also going to see if i can get Him out of the house long enough to buy some supplies for making chocolates.  Maybe i can also get Him to make some.  It isn't that hard to do, and isn't the usual "cookies in a jar" He usually gives people.  Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Still no word on Make-a-Wish.  i am still waiting for my passport.  Once that comes in, my sister will be photocopying them and faxing them off to Julie.  Then we will get the dates and start to book.  i am hoping for it to be after Christmas.  i want Christmas to be a highlight, and not a let down after the MIT gets to meet Mike Myers.  i was told that there was a possibility of spending New Years Eve in New York.  That would be really cool. 

Anyway, the MIT will be home in about 3 hours.  That should be enough time to do some baking.  Ok, time for Christmas music, and baking.  Wish me luck.

Edit : couldn't find my cookie cutter.  i need a 1 1/2 inch round, and i don't own one.  Have to wait until the MIT gets home.  Sure i could go out now, but i don't feel like it.  What to do, what to do.

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Tree Day !!!!! (not all that happy a post)

So today is tree day.  Today is the day my family goes out and kills 2 trees.  Usually Mike would be up with me, and helping me do grocery shopping, and filling of the thermos (which i can't find) and getting ready for the day.  He would also be making sure i dress warmly and put boots on my feet.  i am really missing Him this morning.  i woke thinking He was here.  i woke wondering where He was in the bed.  i woke wondering if He had started getting stuff ready.  But of course, He isn't here.  So, instead, it is all just me.

This morning i have to have a shower and get dressed, head out to Fortinos and actually get groceries for the week.  i am also going to the Miller's Bin to get chocolate to melt later this week for treats for people.  Then it is to Day/Night for some meds, and finally Tim Horton's cause i can't find Mike's thermos, and i am wanting a part of Him with us today.  OK, just found the thermos.  It was up and hidden in the cupboard above the fridge.  Yes, i am happier now.  Sure it is going to be full of tea and not coffee, but it will still be a part of Him with us. 

So, today has started off a little rough, but i am optimistic about how it will turn out. Well, a little optimistic.  On to the rest of the day.

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Blech!!

i am still sick. i am on antibiotics, in the hope of the cold not reaching my lungs and to kill the sinus infection that i have. Some days i feel better. Other days i feel like crap. i just want to feel like normal for an entire day. i feel out of control, and can't seem to get back on track with eating right and checking my blood sugars as often as i should be. i have been missing medication times, and basically, not taking care of myself. i need to get back to that again. Sounds like time for another "promises" post to myself.

All my Christmas decorations are up. Tomorrow is tree cutting day. It is a family tradition that i didn't want to ignore this year just because it won't be the same as the last 6 years. It was a family tradition for a long time. As long as i can remember. Mom would make hot chocolate and rice crispy squares. Dad would be in charge of the tools to cut the trees and load them on the vehicle. We would all climb into the car and head off to the same place, year after year. Other family, extended family, would also be there. We would trek out of the warmth of the car, and head off to find 2 perfect trees. Yes 2. Both for my Nana so she could pick the one she liked best. Later i would learn (since i never caught on) that the second tree was the one Santa put up each Christmas morning at our house. Later on, we had to change tree lots, but the tradition continued.

Once the MIT was with us, we changed things a bit. One year we got 3 trees. Soon after, Nana decided not to have a real tree, so we only got 2, one for me, and one for Mom and Dad. the first year with the MIT was fun. He was all bundled up in a warm sleeper, with a hot water bottle, inside a box like knitted baby bag. He was the warmest of the bunch. We pulled Him along in a little baby sled. Later, Dad would help me mount the tree in its stand and i would be left to decorate it as i saw fit. All fond memories.

When Mike entered the picture, things changed again. The first year He didn't join us. He was too knew to the relationship for me to feel comfortable including Him. After the first year, He would make a point of coming tree hunting with us. We would all load into Mom and Dad's van, and head out. He really seemed to enjoy Himself. He seemed to like to side with Dad and Sis as they pointed to trees at the edge of the parking area, so we would have to go trekking into the "wild". That didn't last long. He soon got into the spirit of actually hunting for the right tree, and would then mount it in the stand for me. Last year, we went to a brand new lot and it was wonderful. All proceeds from the sales of the trees went to the handicapped horse riding school. They have a bus service (that is wheelchair accessible) to get you to the trees. There was a Christmas store where you could get ornaments and decorations. There was a path with cutouts to take your picture in. There was a stand to get hotdogs, hamburgers, hot cider, hot chocolate and coffee. It is perfect, although more expensive than most places. Dad and Mike really bonded last year. More fond memories.

This year we are going to the same place. i fell in love with it last year, and want to go back. i am excited about going this year. i am taking back my traditions. Well that is how i see it. i am also going to be looking for a Yule log while trudging threw the lot. i want that tradition back in my life. L has been very encouraging about me getting back to where i used to be a very long (pre MIT) time. She doesn't know how much just seeing Her alter reminds me of what i used to do, and pushes me (quietly) to enjoy the different celebrations i have been neglecting.

Today i am doing something new. i am going with P and E to Kitchener for some holiday cheer and shopping. i have never been there for this, so it should be fun. No kids are allowed, except for E and i. i am really excited and can't wait until after 12:30 when P and E will be picking me up. i have some money from working on Thursday so i can buy some more decorations for my house. i can also find stuff to give to those last few people on my list. i am going to enjoy today.

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YEAY!!!!!!!!

It's snowing! It's snowing! It's really, really snowing!!!!!!

(and all it took was me starting to decorate for the holidays)

Quick lesson learned

When buying cute Kleenex because of the type of boxes it comes in, do not have someone say "now all you need to use them, is to get sick".  If someone does say that, a cold, full of sniffles, sinus pain, sneezing, and coughing, will appear within 48 hours.  Good thing i am going to the doctor's today.

Ok, time to head into the deep, dark, and damp basement to get the Christmas decorations, and get this season of celebration started.

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A movie, a Play Party, and December

Yesterday was a big day.  There were ups and downs and stuff i haven't really processed yet. 

i went with L, D and the girls to see Happy Feet.  It wasn't what i expected.  It was advertised as this really good cartoon for kids.  Cute and cuddly kind of movie.  In the beginning, that was what it was.  It was adorable with a the laying of the ground work of the message about how being different wasn't always a bad thing.  Then, things went weird.  There was stuff about religion blended in.  There was an environmental message in there about how we (humans) are bad and destroying the earth.  There was the overly done message about being different.  The movie left a bad taste in my mouth.  There was a review of the movie in the Boston Globe that said most of how i feel about the movie.  Of course i didn't read it until after i had seen the movie.  i would have been more prepared if i had read it before. 

After the movie, L and i went out clothes shopping and basic running around.  Clothes shopping was fun.  L found she can fit in a smaller size than she used to.  i found something to wear that is completely different than anything i have worn to a play party before.  It was really fun.  L advised me on what She liked me in, and i took Her advice.  It wasn't a "She choose it for me", which was nice.  i was having a problem with wanting to not think and be told what to do, but trying not to get back into old habits of hiding behind someone else when i should be taking responsibility for myself.  Anyways, after a few more stops, we headed back to my place to get ready for the party.

Walking into the party was hard.  Harder still, was seeing someone that looked like Mike in the back of the room.  The same old glasses, the same hair style when i first met Him, and a slight facial similarity.  That really threw me off.  Then finding people i had pulled away from (and i mean really pulled away from) being there.  People i had counted on right after Mike had died, and who let me down by being thoughtless.  People i had never told how i truly felt about them.  They each came up to me and gave me hugs.  They each were excited to see me.  At least the one i hated the most stayed in her chair.  That made me feel better.

i haven't really processed all i felt about the being in that dungeon.

This, being December usually means a lot to me.  It usually means i have decorations all over the house, lights hooked up outside, a general giddiness about the upcoming season.  i am not really feeling it this year.  i have one decoration up in the living room.  One.  No lights outside.  Some snow window clings up.  That is really it.  i haven't even brought up the entire Rubbermaid of "pre-tree" decorating stuff.  i am getting angry at myself because of it.  i want to be able to enjoy this season as much as i have in the past.  i want to be able to want to decorate my house.  Hell that isn't it, i want to decorate my house, but it is like i don't feel like i should be enjoying this season.  It is like there is a part of me that wants to wallow.  It is like i am fighting 2 different emotions.  As i sit here, i can't figure out what to go with.  Hell, i hadn't expected to write this part of how i was feeling at all.  i want to put decorations up.  i want to enjoy the holiday.  i want to be excited.  i have bought gifts.  i have enjoyed buying gifts.  i have been avoiding Christmas cartoons and music.  i figured that would just make me feel worse.  But it is tradition.  It was tradition before Mike came into our lives, why can't it still be tradition now?  Maybe that is it.  Maybe all this is about me thinking i need to feel / act a different way than i usually do, and the rest of my head pushing me to realize it is still a time of year i like.  That it is ok to enjoy stuff, even if Mike isn't here. 

Guess i have a couple of things to process.

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Panic......Attack!!!!!!

So, i called E and she said i have every right to be in the middle of a panic attack.  Great.  Now what.  i know, keep breathing.  Take deep breaths.  Relax and go with how i am feeling.  Cry if i feel like crying.  Sleep if i feel like sleeping.  Do what it is my body needs me to do. 

See, today started with last night.  Last night i went looking for someone to look after the MIT today (He is ill) so i could go to school and therapy.  Couldn't find anyone, including my Mom.  This morning, i had no choice but to go begging to my Mom for help.  i am sure she will never let me forget it. 

Next i had my first formal practicum today.  i got to do a full session on a volunteer that my teacher has been doing reflexology on for god knows how long.  i know walking in on this that the client will be comparing what i do with how V does it.  That makes me nervous.  Add to that, my already stressed start, and i am having to do that self-talk that i know what i am doing, and that i can take as long as i need.  The other student is going fast, and i am taking my time, working on reflexes that are associated with my client's problems and complaints.  i am using light pressure since she is and uncontrolled diabetic, is on blood thinners, and has heart problems.  i didn't get any feedback at the end of the session.  None even from V.  i finally asked the right questions and was told that yes i had been using a lighter pressure than the client was used to, but since it was my first time with her, and considering her health history, i did the right thing.

Move on to my therapy session.  It started 1/2 hour later than scheduled.  It includes my actual psychiatrist.  A medical professional that doesn't buy my happy go lucky attitude as i walk in the door.  She was able to get me crying in less than 5 minutes of talking to me by asking the right questions.  i am sure she will be telling my councilors how to do the exact same thing.  Great, just great. 

And now i sit here realizing that tomorrow, i am actually going to a play party.  A play party in the same dungeon that Mike and i help build.  A dungeon that Mike and i played in together.  A dungeon i have never played in unless Mike was there. 

Add next -
Problem : i need to shave, and my hands are shaking.  i can't see shaving the "dangly bits" with shaky hands.  Especially when i can't even see the "dangly bits" without a mirror, and more flexibility than i actually posses. 
Solution : i guess i wait.  i can't take meds to help me relax and then expect to be able to shave.  i just wouldn't care if i cut myself.  Then again, it might be fun to feel that again.  That rush of pain and hormone.  i haven't had that feeling in over a month.  i think the last time was back in October.

So, yeah, i am panicking.  i am stressed and worried about tomorrow night.  i shouldn't be, there is nothing that can go "wrong".  It doesn't matter to anyone i am going with, or to those that know i am going, how i will react.  There is really nothing to logically be worried about.  Yet i am, and i still need to shave.  (oh yeah, and i feel like my house is a mess, and i have stuff to hide before i have company come over tomorrow)

AAAARRRRGGGGGG (this is me running around the neighbourhood, naked, pulling my hair out)

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Disappointing people

i hate it when i disappoint people, or let them down.  i know where it stems from too.  It all comes from having people like me for what i can do, rather than for just who i am.  Realizing this doesn't help how guilty i feel.  It is just a realization.

Take today.  Today the MIT is sick.  Sick enough for me to keep Him home.  i never keep Him home.  He has to be really, really sick for me to keep Him home from school.  That is what He is today.  Today is also the day i go and clean for L and D.  i can't do both.  i can't take the MIT with me, as i don't want their family to get what He has.  i can't just send the MIT to school so i can go and do the cleaning.  So i have to choose, and end up letting someone down. 

Then comes the stress of the realization.  That by letting L and D down, they will no longer like me.  Logically i know that isn't true.  That missing one day of cleaning isn't going to ruin the friendship i have with them.  Still that little voice inside my head, that says i am not worthy of friendships, that i can only be liked for what i do rather than who i am, screams.  i have definitely got to work on that. 

This weekend is going to be fun though.  This Saturday is going to be the first play party i have been out to, since even before Mike's death.  Ok, not completely true.  i went to one in June, but didn't stay to long, and had only gone by myself.  This time i am going with L and D.  i am nervous about it.  i am nervous about how i am going to feel being around so many people, in the dungeon that Mike and i, P&E, H&S, F&B, P and H all built together.  i know i will be surrounded by people that care about me, and am going with L and D (who care and love me), so i will have lots of support.  Hmmmm, maybe i could take my reflexology stuff with me and get some feet in (while feeling submissive) at the party.  LOL, now there is an interesting idea. 

Any ways, off to care for the sick child.

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Make-A-Wish

Originally posted Nov 30, 2005 :

So, yesterday the people from Make-a-wish came and talked to the MIT. Prior to their arrival, MIT and i wrote up what His wish was, just incase He went full blown. Here is what He wished for:
I wish to go to HollyWood. I want to visit TV sets and watch a show.
I wish to meet:
Jim Carrey
Mike Myers
Robin Williams
Will Smith
Jackie Chan
Jimmy Kennedy
Daniel Radcliff
Rupert Grint
Emma Watson
David Thewlis
Michael Gambon
Robbie Coltraine
Nelly
Eminem
x-ibit
Missy Elliot
Bow Wow
the Black Eyed Peas
Ludichris

 I wish to do all this because i want to know what it is like to be an actor and a rapper and a comedian.

i think this is a great wish. Now all i have to do is fill out all the paper work. Lots of paper work.

Well, the time has almost come.  The wish is in gear and all we are now waiting for is my passport, and the dates we are going.  That is right, the MIT is getting His wish.  We are going to New York City to meet Mike Myers.  We will be staying at the Hyatt.  We will be flying to New York.  We will be taken to the air port by a limo.  We will be there for 4 nights/5 days.  It is pretty exciting. 

Here is the delema.  It is another sign that the MIT is progressive, and bound to get worse.  Originally, when we placed the wish, Mike was going to be going with us.  Mike was key in helping me come to terms about actually applying to Make-A-Wish.  Mike spun hope around the fact that it all didn't mean the MIT was going to die tomorrow.  Now, there is signs of the MIT going downhill. 

His ballance is getting worse.  He is loosing more and more words.  He stops breathing more often during His sleep.  His heart rate is dropping more and more during His sleep.  When He has a sever episode, He tends to faint and loose consciousness more often. 

With Mike gone, i tend to feel less equipped to handle these episodes.  Mike was always my backup that i could call and hear that He was either coming to look at the MIT, or that the MIT would be fine.  If the MIT got an injury, Mike was the first person i called.  Mike would come and check on the injury, i could feel more at ease.  Now i don't have that backup.  my Mom isn't able to do that for me.  She either resents my calling, or helps push my stress over the situation to  a trip to the hospital.  my Sister can't, as she doesn't have enough knowledge in the area, like Mike did. 

This whole trip is a double edge knife, hitting me right in the heart.  It is the realization that, although it may not be today/tonight/tomorrow, the MIT is going to get worse and worse.  It is the reminder that Mike is not there to go with us or to help with the medical aspect that the MIT and i need.  It is also a great opportunity for the MIT to meet one of His idols, and, if it happens before Christmas, to get hard to buy for friends autographs as their presents.  i just really wish i didn't feel so down about the trip and could just keep the upside feelings from getting buried under all the grief and worry.

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