Bunches of stuff

3 years ago today, i started my first online journal/blog. Here is what i posted:

My First Time Well it is 11:02 PM and for some reason i have decided to start leaving those that know me and those that are interested, a keyhole to my life. I don't know how exciting this will be or how many will find it, but hope that if nothing else will give me a louder voice about what it is like to be both a submissive in a lasting relationship and the mom of a special needs child. So to all that might read it, i hope you find something here....

i can't believe it has been that long. It feels like forever now. i am sure i have changed a lot since then, either through desire or circumstances. i know i am different now. i don't know if it is in a good way or not.

Last night was weird. i talked E into going to the social in our old dungeon. P ended up coming as well. There were people there that i hadn't seen in ages (and i have to say, didn't miss). It was a big crowd. There were even more people at the upstair's bar. i left a little early. A couple showed that i wanted nothing to do with. They arrived and i went into panic mode. E was great with timing when we would go up for a smoke. When we came back down, one half of the couple was sitting in one of our seats. That was about the end for me. i had to get out of there. i just couldn't do it anymore. i came home and went to bed as soon as my Sis left. i handled it the way i needed to. i avoided them. i ended up avoiding saying goodbye to everyone else. i am mad at myself about that today. i gave them the power to get me out of there. i just handed it over. i didn't get to say goodbye to people i like, because of 2 people. i need to remember this, and figure out how to take that power back.

Today is going to be a bit of an easy day. i have to go to the doctor's this morning, and then therapy this afternoon. i haven't asked my Mom for help with this. i have been dealing with it on my own. Yeah me! After therapy, my Mom is taking the MIT to karate. After that, i have no MIT until Sunday night. Yeah me!!

Tonight is the beginning of my birthday weekend. i have no plans for tonight, and i haven't made plans for tomorrow (as told). Tonight is going to be along the lines of tidying up the house to where i can handle it. With the MIT being home from school all week, things have been let go a little. At least the kitchen isn't too bad. i have kept up on the dishes. The living room and the bed rooms are the worst. They will need a bit of attention. i am not going to be pushing myself to much. i am still in that mindset that if it gets done, then great, but if not, oh well.

Tomorrow, well i have one hint. People are coming over (hence the slight need to clean). Beyond that, i have no idea what to expect. E has already been really nice and removed all the hair from all my areas that needed the attention. Damn she is good. Now i don't have to feel embarrassed when going to the pool or anything, anymore.

Sunday will be the family celebration. i know i am having sweet and sour meatballs with rice. It is the dinner i always ask for. That will be nice to look forward to. i will also get to watch the race, without commercials.

Well, i guess that is all of an update i feel like doing. i have to get the MIT dressed and ready to leave. It is almost time to go off to the doctor's. i wonder what i weigh this week.....

A Special Occasion

Happy Birthday YOU

Happy Birthday to YOU

Happy Biiiirrrthday toooo L

Happy Birthday to YOU !!!!!

Feeling better

i don't feel so lost now. This morning was bad. i wanted to just hide. i wanted to wallow in how i was feeling. Instead i took the MIT to His appointment. i am glad i did. i am not so lost in how i feel anymore. i am not wallowing. i am more in the moment than this morning. i am feeling better. This is good. Knowing that i can combat how i am feeling by leaving the house, or by talking to someone, makes me feel good.

Questions

Last night, i couldn't seem to settle. i had thoughts rushing in my head. i had to talk to Mike and did. For hours.

i guess i thought i could forget this week, and just enjoy. Instead, i have thoughts of what would things really have been like this year. Last year, Mike and i were having problems. We seemed to be working them out. Then He died. Now i am left wondering what would be now.

Where would we be today? What would we be doing this weekend? Would we still be together? Would we just be friends? Would i still be wearing His collar? Would we have broken up for good? Am i better off since He died? Is my life less stressful since He died? Is there less drama? Am i more assured? Am i taking control of things i left to Him? Am i taking more responsibility? Is life better now?

These, and other questions kept me from sleeping properly. i don't know the answers. The questions keep running in my head. i want happy thoughts. i don't want these types of questions. i want to be a happy person again. i want to feel strong again. Today i am not feeling strong. Today i am feeling small. Today i want to hide.

It isn't even 8:30 in the morning and the MIT is already bored. He has got to learn how to sleep in. Part of it is the time change, but mainly, He just doesn't know how to sleep in.

Today is Aquafit day. Yes i feel like crap, but i am determined to go. Well, as long as E is going. She got sick on the weekend. i hope she is feeling better. Today is also running around, and getting things renewed because my birthday is coming. So it is driver's liscence and plates day. Add to that grocery shopping, and getting gas. Today is going to be an expensive day.

Ok, quick post. MIT is standing here bugging me. i better go.

Blue!

Yesterday went really well. It was a really great day.

Took the MIT out for brunch before His belt testing. We went to the Golden Griddle (yes there is one in Hamilton again). He had a huge stack of pancakes, and i had the buffet. After that, we still had time to kill, so i bought myself a new belt. i haven't owned a belt in a very long time, and it is to hold up the pair of jeans i got before going to New York. The MIT got changed at the "girly" store before we headed down to the karate school. We were an hour early. i had a nap in the van while the MIT played with my iPod. It worked out really well.

During the belt testing, i noticed a few things i would like to see Him concentrate on in Physio therapy. He doesn't know how to shift His weight from one foot to the other. He is unable to twist at the hips. These are things i would like to see Him work on. Not His foot positioning while walking.

The testing went well. i got to see where He needs improvement. i got to see how much He can really do. He is great at bringing someone down to the ground. i didn't know He could do that. He is able to do kicks. That requires balancing on one foot. i didn't know He could do that. He was able to keep both sides going during the entire testing. No loss of muscle tone until the testing was done. Even the instructor said that it was a first for the MIT. i am so proud of Him. He passed His belt test, and has moved from green stripe, to blue belt. The look on His face when He saw His certificate, and the new belt was precious. i wish i had taken my camera.

i am so proud of my MIT. He has come a long way. He puts His all in karate. He worked hard, did what He was supposed to, and reaped the reward for it. i am a very happy and proud mommy right now.

New York pictures

New York

Belt test Saturday

So yesterday was therapy day. i guess it went well. i know i didn't cry or get really upset. i did surprise her though. As soon as she walked out to get me, i could see something was wrong, and asked about it. Turned out she had a migraine and was going to say nothing was wrong, but decided that telling me i was very perceptive was more important. i talked about a lot of things. i talked about getting angry at Mike. i talked about the nurse and how she irritates me. i talked about the slight satisfaction i am getting out of bothering my mother by taking back the MIT. i talked about my friends. We talked about how i can, in her office, really get the fact that people react differently than i would in the same situation. We talked about applying that when i am not in the room with her. We talked about accepting people for who they are, and embracing their different opinions and advice with the knowledge that those who are closest to me are doing it out of love and concern. Overall it was a great session, that left me with things to think about.

i have my sticker page all printed off. Today is the first day of this week. i know that today i will be adding at least 3 stickers (going out, getting dressed, showering) and am striving for the rest (drinking water, moisturizing, cleaning).

Today i also take the MIT to His belt test. He is hoping to move from the green stripe belt, to the blue belt level. i am really proud of Him. He may be slower at reaching these achievements, but He is sticking with it, enjoying it, and moving at His own pace. i am really proud of Him. i never thought He would get to this level. i catch myself thinking of what might happen if He makes it to being a black belt. i wonder if He could teach other kids/adults with special needs. That would be cool. Then, i look at what is needed to be a black belt, and can't see Him ever getting there. Either way, i have learned that for the MIT, it is the process, not the final project that is important. The process of going to karate, and doing His best, and experiencing this "normal" activity is the most important thing.

i am worried about my friends and family. i am worried about E's cat and how the surgery went. i am worried about P and how stressed out He can get. i am worried about L and D and if they are needing any help. i know they are going through a difficult time and wonder how i can help or fix it. i am worried about my Aunt that was recently (Thursday) was diagnosed with a heart problem (one of her valves isn't working properly). i am worried about Dad, since he is out of town. i am worried about my Sis, and the choices she is currently making.

Overall, i am doing really good today. Sure i am tired and my throat really hurts (no real signs of strep), but i am doing good. i am up and ready to get the day going (although i may pull the MIT in to bed for a nap). i am ok with how i am handling today, with taking the MIT to His belt test, and taking Him out for breakfast first. i am having a good day today. Not a "in the moment" thing. More like a "this is how it is going to be" thing.

The first day of March Break

i can't believe the MIT has today off of school. Some where, some one, thought that kids needed more than a week off for March Break. i know they didn't consult with parents. Every parent i have talked to about this thinks it is silly.

Speaking of the MIT, i have decided to take more control of when my Mom helps out. Take today. Today, because He is off school, normally i would be taking Him to my Mom's while i go to therapy. Instead i got His special needs worker to come over and watch Him. Tomorrow i am taking Him to His belt test. Monday i am having the special needs worker look after Him while i go to Aquafit. Tuesday i will be taking the MIT to His therapy. This coming Friday, the special needs worker will be watching Him while i go to therapy again. All days that Mom would "normally" volunteer for. i just don't have the energy to deal with the way she volunteers, so i am doing something about it.

Goals. Since tomorrow is the beginning of my week for goals, i figured i would get right back, and start up again. Ok, truth be told, i am missing putting stickers on my to do list. Either way, here is my goals for the coming week.

Shower 4 times this week
Get dressed 4 times this week (only one is allowed for scrubs)
Drink water each day (64 fluid oz)
Go out 4 times this week
Moisturize 2 times each day
Clean my house each day (a different room each day, plus vacuuming...includes dusting)

Good goals. All manageable. All pretty easy for me to achieve. i am still trying to get into the swing of it all. Still trying to take control of these things without falling back on someone else to look over my shoulder, to make sure i am doing them. i am still getting used to making sure i do what i said i was going to do, even if it is only to myself. Ok, that last part of the sentence is wrong. It should read "especially if it is for myself".

Oh yeah. i am still mad at Mike, and myself, but not as much as earlier in the week. i am sure today's appointment with my therapist will be interesting. It may come up, it may not. i tend to follow her lead sometimes, and if this isn't something she is going to push for, it may not come up. Then again, it may come out as i walk into the room, without any prompting. We shall see.

i am in enough pain today, that a beating would feel like a massage. It is all because of what the MIT calls "evil deadly yucky ice". i slipped while wheeling the MIT into the house, and landed flat on my ass again, while trying to still hold on to the wheelchair. Standing up was just wrong. After i finally got the MIT into the house, i immediately took my pain killers for the pulled hamstring, and a couple muscle relaxants. The MIT ended up covering me with a blanket, and getting me pillows. He took care of the computer while i headed into shock and fell asleep. my Sis came over and checked me all over. i didn't ache so much until after the pain killers let go of me. Since then, i find my wrist has been aching from a slightly sprained, along with the middle finger on the right hand. my left knee is popping again. my hamstring pull has been aggravated. i feel like a walking wounded.

Now that the complaining has finished, time for some smiles

E, D, and i went to aquafit and the free swim after it. It was fun. We have all signed up for a monthly pass. That means actually going at least 2 times a week, and no getting out of it.

Sis brought over more pictures from the trip to be added to the ones i already have on the computer. Once i have them all, i will be asking friends and family if they want a CD with all the pictures on it. i think i will also print them all out and do up a scrap book of our trip. i still have one of the key cards to our hotel room. i have ticket stubs. i think a scrap book will be nice. i will also be sending off a copy of the CD and a "report" about our trip to the Make-a-Wish foundation.

The MIT has started to do more and more math at school. He is doing really good at what they have set up for Him to learn. He is even starting to work on money. Maybe i will be able to let Him handle money again. We shall see. An allowance may soon be in order.

Well, it is time to get my butt in gear. Well, as quickly as it can really move. i have to take the garbage out and make the MIT His lunch to take to school, and basically get moving. Later all

Jumbled

i actually slept last night. i hadn't the night before. i basically slept from 1:00 pm until this morning. i had a few minutes up around 2:30, and then an hour awake around 4:30, and then hours up around 7:00. i was back in bed by 11:00 last night. i needed the sleep. i could still do with more sleep. my throat is killing me, along with the hamstring i pulled on Thursday. i feel like i can't get a handle on feeling good right now.

March Break is coming. It actually starts on Friday. i am actually looking forward to spending quiet time with the MIT. i like that we get along better when He doesn't have the pressure of school every day.

Saturday is going to be a me and MIT day. i am taking Him to His belt testing on Saturday. It will be nice to watch how He has progressed since the last time i watched Him. i have missed seeing that. Maybe i will get myself more involved with that again soon.

i am still struggling with my anger towards Mike. E and i had a good talk yesterday. i don't feel so stupid now. She is good to talk to about stuff like that. She was there for all the time of the relationship. She knew me before Mike was even in the picture.

i know i am craving pain still. No sign of craving sex, in any way shape or form. i haven't even played with myself in months. Sex is one of those intimate things i can't wrap my head around.

Finances suck right now. Especially with the MIT's birthday coming up. i have no idea what to get Him. At least i have until the end of the month to actually come up with something.

Ok, a jumble of thoughts today. Hmm. i am guessing it is time to get back to setting weekly goals and getting my sticker pages back on track. Haven't done those since the New York trip.

OK, goal for tomorrow is to prepare goals for the coming week (Saturday to Friday is my week).

Stewing and Birthday wishes

i am still very angry at Mike. i had held on so long, even during our relationship, that He never treated me as an extra. Coming to that realization is making me feel very angry. Well, angry and guilty and stupid. Angry because i was an extra to Him. Angry because i deserve to be treated more than an extra. Angry because i still feel like an extra. Guilty because He is dead and can't defend His actions, and make me feel better about this. Guilty because i am angry at a dead man. Stupid because i never saw it before. No that isn't true. i remember saying it to Him before. Stupid because i needed to believe Him when He told me i was wrong. Stupid because i wasn't wrong. Stupid because i am angry at a dead man.

So, i am putting that aside for a moment right now. i need something else to think about. i have been thinking about what i want for my birthday. So, here is my list

1. a flip phone, instead of the box thingy i have right now for my cell.
2. a book by Laurell K. Hamilton called Danse Macabre.
3. a good spanking, caning, whipping, cutting, pain filled time.
4. the reclining chair i want so badly for my reflexology quest.
5. to be fisted
6. a one day cleaning lady (or team) to come in and clean this house from top to bottom, so i have a starting point to continue (this would include dusting and vacuuming and washing floors, and cleaning windows).
7. all the previous seasons of 24.
8. to be given oral sex, for longer than 3 minutes (not one of Mike's favourite activities as a Top)
9. my friends all over for a good time on a Saturday night (hopefully being able to deal with number 3).
10. the excess hair on my body removed, a facial, a real pedicure and manicure, a back treatment (basically a day of being pampered)

Those are the things i want for my birthday. That is how i want to be treated for my birthday. This would be a dream birthday for me. God the idea of actually having marks on my body while i attend the "party" at my parent's place the next day is filling me. i haven't had a good "workout" since last year, and that was because i requested it. The first "workout" i got for a birthday present that i didn't ask for was during the first DSSG Beginner's workshop, that actually was held on my birthday in 2001. Also the one a few years before that, when 2 special people gave me a private party. Other than those, including the 6 birthdays i had with Mike in my life, i don't really remember any special energy put into what would happen on my birthday.

Why did i accept so much less from Mike than what i gave Him. i would plan to take Him to Bingo (a favourite of His) even though i didn't like it. i would make Him a special meal. i would put thought into His gifts. Then again, i am so mad at Him, that i can't seem to remember that kind of stuff right now. i seem to be only able to think of the bad stuff at the moment.

Just for me

i have found myself worried about what i put here the last few days. i don't want my rants of the moment to affect how friends treat me. i don't want the words that i want to write to myself make others feel like i am talking about them. i don't want the words i am typing to be interpreted as complaints about those in my life. i hope that anyone reading this does not take it personally. It is just how i feel at the moment.

i have conversations with Mike all the time, especially at night, when i am alone in the house. This weekend has been full of those talks. i talk about how i feel and why i am feeling it. This weekend i talked about feeling like the perpetual extra. i even got mad at Mike because even with Him (even though i used to keep telling myself He was the only one that never treated me like an extra) i was an extra. i was the submissive on the side. i was the one the wife didn't know about for a very long time. When Mike decided to explore His submissive side, i was the extra that He felt He could talk to.

The perpetual extra. That is how i feel. i am the one that everyone else feels they need to take care of. i am the one that really isn't ever treated like number one. i am the one that is less than others because i am not Their only. Ok, not really their only, i don't mind that, but it is more like i am not anyone's first. i deserve to be someone's first. i am not talking virgin here. i am not talking about someone new to the scene. Man this isn't going well. How do i explain it?

Ok, with Mike - He had His wife. When i met Him, He also had His submissive. i was the add on. When He and the submissive broke up, i became His submissive. There was still His wife. His relationship with her, was the important one. He always said it wasn't, but really, if i had to be very very quiet when she called, and my time with Him on weekends depended on if she needed Him, then yes, i was second. i wasn't the main concern. i wasn't the one that He concentrated on. It stayed that way after He found S. S became the one that He centered His attention on, after His wife. i always felt like the second. The add on. The one that would be there, no matter what, when He needed me. i know He loved me. i know i was special to Him. i was still an extra. Still an add on.

With my friends - Now this is harder to express. This isn't their fault. This is my fault because i am not good at asking for what i need. i tend to follow others, and i do it because i want to "fit in" (welcome to low self esteem). my friends are great. They take care of me. They worry about me. They love me. i have no doubt of any of that. This is just how i feel, not how they make me feel. i am still the add on. i am the extra to their core relationships. i am the toy that can be added or just put away for when needed another time. It isn't their fault. It is just who i have made myself.

i don't want to be JUST an extra anymore. i want to be the first. i deserve to be the first. i deserve to be the one someone thinks of before anything else. i know i am not ready for a relationship. i know that for right now, being an extra is ok for me. i also know that when i am ready, i will be looking for someone that isn't going to treat me as an extra or an add on.

But the big revelation of the weekend, was that i got mad at Mike for making me feel like an add on. For making me feel like an extra, in a relationship that i should have felt like His first. That after all these months, i am able to look at our relationship in a not so good light. i am finally able to see some of the things that didn't work. The "picture perfect" idea about Him and i is slowly vanishing. That i am able to look at Him with out rose coloured glasses. i was able to get angry at Him for treating me like shit. i was able to get mad at Him, and am still mad at Him.

Tonight is another munch night

Before i talk about tonight, i figured i would fill in what happened yesterday.

So E and i did get our health cards done. That took a lot shorter amount of time than we both thought. We then went and did Aquafit. Yes we did. i had tried to warn her about what she would see, what type of people would be there. i think i did a good job. She did come out of the "class" as feeling younger and healthier. So did i. Yes i made a couple bad jokes (name that melanoma, identify that mole, do your boobs hang lower than hers). Nothing more than i would do when i was younger and taking such a class when the MIT was a baby. There were more men there than either of us thought there would be. At least we felt like very young at the end of it all. Both of us had a reaction to the chlorine in the pool. mine was redish, itchy skin. Hers was blotchy red skin. No showering there for us. We will go to our own homes to shower off the offending chemical. i know i felt much better after i had a shower.

i didn't end up going to E's when the nurse was here. i should have, but i had a bunch of government papers to deal with. They are all done, so i don't really have to worry about it today. Speaking of today, it is going to be a pretty easy day for me. A little grocery shopping, maybe look for a new bra. Other than that, take it easy and wait for tonight.

Tonight is the Hamilton munch. i am not looking forward to it. i don't think E is either. Maybe P will be able to make it tonight. If so, it could be more fun. E and i together can only cause so much trouble. Add in P's sarcastic sense of humour and it can be much more fun. i still worry about running into certain people, and not being able to be strong if i see them. i know i am stronger than i was a few months ago.

The memories of Mike are much easier to deal with. i can feel joy when i speak of His quirks. i can laugh at some of the stuff that He would do. my thoughts don't go so much to the missing Him as much. That makes me feel guilty. Part of me thinks it is ok to miss Him less, but then i feel like i am forgetting Him. i am not ready to forget Him.

Ok, lots of thoughts that i don't really need this morning. Time for some smiles.

• The MIT is doing well in math and i am not having to hear how much He hates it.
• The MIT let Himself in after school yesterday and came to tell me He was home. (i was sleeping)
• i have loads of pictures from the trip to get printed. i don't know if i will be doing it myself, or if i will be taking the disk someplace to get them printed. i also don't know if i want to put them online in my flicker account. i will have to think on that one.
• i am feeling better today, and feel like i have more energy this morning. Could it be a side effect of the aquafit yesterday? Who knows.
• i am still struggling about being submissive to anyone. i am not ready to go looking for a relationship. i feel stuck as far as that goes. Yes i am craving to serve, and craving to feel a cane on my ass, and craving to be cut. i just don't know how to get it.

Well, i guess that is all today. i hope everyone has a good Thursday.

Tired and not feeling good

i am so tired. i could head back to bed right now, and be able to pass out for the entire day, and then be able to sleep straight through the night. my throat hurts. i am all stuffed up. Most of all, my throat hurts.

It hurts to swallow any of my meds. It hurts to swallow what i want to drink. It just plain hurts. i would love to just crawl back into bed and sleep.

Instead, i have got to go and get my health card renewed. It is that time of year again. i also have to get the MIT's renewed. i also have to finish up some paperwork for the government today. So here is my plan

go hop in the shower and go get E so we can both get our health cards
depending on time, go and get D so the three of us can go to aquafit
drop everyone off at their homes
go to Staples and price a new printer
maybe buy a new printer
come home and work on government stuff
finish government stuff
go to post government stuff
pickup diet pepsi
come home again
MIT comes home
entertain MIT until nurse gets here
crawl into bed as soon as the nurse gets here

Ok, there is my plan. Guess we will see how it goes. i just so hate being sick

Home and thinking

So we made it home in one piece. Well, we did, the wheelchair was missing a few by the end of the trip.

i could complain about the little things. i could bitch about the hotel not living up to the standards that the website proclaimed. i could bitch about some of the meals we had. i could bitch about how i didn't get a new bra because the place that i went didn't carry long enough chest straps, and they couldn't find a place to sent me. None of which is important anymore.

The best things.

Tuesday we ordered in room service. Oh my god. The breakfast was bigger than we thought. It may not have been actually worth the amount it cost, but the MIT loved it. He loved the idea of sitting in bed, eating breakfast that someone brought to us, and watching the TV. That was basically all that we did during the day. It took until the early evening before we got the MIT out of the room. That was the when the trip really started to get fun. Taking the MIT to Time Square and Him enjoying the giant Toys R Us was the greatest. He got Himself a talking Yoda, and Edge (from the WWE). i got pictures of Him in front of the large Ferris wheel. i got pictures of the store. He had fun. Sure He lost both sides, but it didn't matter. He was happy. After that, we headed to the Planet Hollywood. We had a good meal (even though 2 of us were sick). The drink i had was fabulous. The MIT had Mac and Cheese. The waitress was great. When i told her about this trip being the MIT's wish trip, she took extra special care of us. She even gave the MIT a plastic shark, and showed us there Goldmember's, and Dr. Evil's costumes were. The MIT had his picture taken with both. That was our Tuesday.

Wednesday we took it easy during the day. We just hung out in the hotel room until it was time to go down and meet Sami. Well, after we had room service again. Sami was our greeter from the Make-A-Wish foundation, and he was accompanying us to meet Mike Myers. The MIT took to him right away. Sami was a holocaust survivor. He always felt out of place because he was to young to be a "grown" survivor, and to old to be a child survivor. He and the MIT talked about his experiences, and about New York as a whole. He did want to show us more of the city, but Sis and i were just not healthy enough to do it. Plus the MIT kept up with "not wanting to do anything".

The meeting with Mike Myers went really well. We met him at the Soho Grand. We actually met him in a room that Eminem had stayed in. We were in one of the four penthouse rooms. The view was incredible, and the balcony was larger than my living room. Sami and the MIT spent a bit of alone time up there. It was really sweet. When Mike Myers showed up, he introduced himself as Mike. That was it. Mike. He shook each of our hands, and then sat down with the MIT. The MIT was so shell shocked that He couldn't actually think of any questions He could ask. Sami took over a bit and asked a number of questions, and the MIT gave me permission to talk about Him to "Mike". We spent about two hours with the Canadian. He commented on how nice it was to hear the word "sorry" pronounced as Canadians do. We talked about why he likes living in New York, when the last time he was back in Canada, how he still plays hockey, and then gossiped about Britney Spears, and a little about Vern (Mini-Me) and he told us about Danna Carvey's health problems. He filled us in on a few of his next projects, and what he is writing now. It was a great meeting. The MIT smiled for hours after. We went straight back to the hotel after that. Sis and i were just too tired and ill to do much else. i think Sami was disappointed with that, but not the MIT. He was excited about us actually ordering in a pizza.

Now, E comes from Jersey. She knows New York. She recommended a pizza place, that the concierge even knew. It was so funny. What she didn't tell us, was how big the pizza in New York really is. One of our extra larges, is one of their larges. Not knowing this, and wanting one extra large, i ordered 2 larges. We had enough pizza for dinner that night, plus breakfast the next morning, plus an extra pizza that we had to throw out. Wednesday night, i headed out on my own again. i visited the HBO store, and the American Girl Store. The HBO store was great. The American Girl Store was a disappointment. Basically a "Build-a-bear" store but with premade dolls, with different hair colours and styles, that you could dress, or dress like them.

Thursday we decided to actually do what the Make-A-Wish foundation had set up for us. We visited the Empire State Building. Now that was fun. i even went up. me, scared of heights went up, and actually looked down. After that we went shopping. We hit F. A. O. Schwarzs. The MIT actually "danced" on the piano like Tom Hanks did. We saw giant Lego figures of Darth Vader, Hagrid, and Chewbaca. We then went to the coolest Apple store. The entrance was magical. The MIT loved listening to all the different iPods. If we would have let Him, we would have stayed for hours. Instead, Sis hailed a cab and we headed back to the room. We ended up having a junk food dinner, and watching a pay-per-view movie. It was a great way to spend out last night.

Friday was leaving day. We had another great room service meal. We showered, packed, and got dressed and checked out. The time to checkout was 2 hours before the time we were to be picked up and taken to the airport. We took that 2 hours to go for lunch at McDonald's, and get souvenirs. The MIT and i took pictures of the hotel. We took pictures of each other. We spent some time together, liking each other a bit, and complaining to each other that we didn't want to go home just yet. The 2 hours passed quicker than we thought. We got into our limo and headed off to the airport. We were delayed by an hour, but that was a good thing. By the time the plane got there, the staff of the airlines had bumped us up to first class. The MIT got the royal treatment on the flight. The pilot announced that the MIT was on the plane and that it was the end of His wish, and that we were heading home. The staff on the plane gave the MIT a flight chart signed by each of them. The steward kept feeding Him heated cookies. He had a blast.

Overall, i was happy to get home. i finally had a bed to myself, and didn't have to fight anyone for covers. The MIT had a great trip, and has lots of memories. i have lots of pictures of those memories.

i am sad though, that it is over. It kind of feels like there isn't anything next. That we are now in a holding pattern, waiting for the end to come. What else is there for Him to look forward to? i know, morbid thoughts.

Coming Home

So it is Friday morning, and i am not looking forward to leaving the hotel and having to go to the airport. i want to stay here all day and do nothing. i want one day of not making the MIT leave the hotel to do stuff He eventually enjoys. i want one day where i can book a massage and relax. i want one day when the MIT and Sis go out and leave me on my own for longer than an hour.

Ok, i guess i am saying i want a vacation.

The week has been good. i have lots of pictures, and may even post some. i have lots of stuff to report about what we did and how much fun we had. i will do all that when we get home. Right now, though, i am gmoing to go and entertain the MIT and wait for room service to arrive

One more sleep

Today is the last day to get everything ready to go tomorrow. i will have no time in the morning tomorrow to really do anything. i will be getting up at like 4:30 am to make sure i am showered and dressed, and everything is packed. i will be getting the MIT up around 5 to get Him ready to go. my Mom and Dad and Sis will be getting here about 6:15 to load up the van so we can be at the airport around 9:00 am. Our flight is at 11:30.

Last night, P and E came over for a little bit. They stayed for dinner and went home to celebrate Valentine's day. They are such a cute couple. i am glad they came over when they did. It gave me a push to clean the bathroom and the living room a little bit.

i have got to get a few last minute things done today. Stuff i just haven't been motivated (and really still am not motivated) to get for the trip, and to make sure bread is in the house for when we come home on Friday. So, right after the race starts (the first Nascar race of the season), and they have driven at least 10 laps, i will be heading out of the house to get the stuff i need. Once the MIT gets home, i will have laundry and packing, while He sleeps. i will also have to be up at midnight to make sure He gets His antibiotic. i just can't find the motivation to get out of the house. At least i have clothes on now. i still haven't done much of the cleaning i wanted to get done that i had thought i wanted. i am not going to worry about it. If i get the packing done, i will be fine. Anything else will be gravy.

About the trip. Well, the MIT has finally started getting excited. He is looking forward to watching American television. He is wanting to eat McDonald's every day for lunch (it is His dream we are fulfilling). He is acting nervous about the trip a little. Mainly about the flight, but i think He is feeding off how i feel.

i am trying to get my head around the "go with the flow" and "it isn't up to me to impress the people from Make-a-Wish" and "it is ok to ask for help" and to say yes if people offer us stuff. That is hard for me. i told the therapist on Friday that these are obviously lessons i need to learn more quickly, or else it wouldn't be hitting me all at once. i am going to learn these lessons. i am even going to enjoy myself on this trip. i am going not stress out about little things. i have come to the conclusion that if all the MIT wants to do is watch TV the entire time we are in New York, then we will get lots of pictures of that, and not sweat it. my Sis and i can take turns going out and seeing the sights.

Mom just called. She is getting excited about the trip, as is my Dad. They are starting to get on my Sis's mood. Thank goodness i live here and not there. i can imagine how much pushing she is taking about getting laundry done, getting packing done, making sure she has everything. At least i can just sit here, decide when i am leaving and say no to my Mom coming over to make sure i get everything done.

So, no post tomorrow morning. Maybe i will post a few days during the week since my Sis is bringing her laptop. i will be taking lots of pictures, and may post a few here. i hope everyone has a great week.

signing off for now

2 more sleeps

Today is going to be a running-around-and-getting-last-minute-things-done day.

my Sis is treating me to a manicure and pedicure. We are also supposed to critic the place we are going. That will be fun. Especially since i have been spoiled by one of the best estiticians in the world (hi E)

i need to pickup bread and pop for when we return. The bread will go in the freezer, and the pop will stay in the fridge. There has to be certain foods available for the first night back.

i need to pickup rechargeable batteries, tampons, and a new bra for the trip. The 2 bras i have are nasty. i want one that isn't so bad.

The MIT is now on antibiotics. He has a pretty good sinus infection, and we want to clear it up fast.

i have made an appointment in New York, for a bra specialist. It is one they use on What Not to Wear. It is booked for Tuesday morning. i have been told by my Mom that i am to get at least 2. i just really want one that accentuates my boobs, and one that looks pretty, with underwear to match. i have never had a matching set. i want a matching set.

Other than that, i have 2 friends that have offered to come over. i had put an email out asking for more, but not everyone could make it on such short notice. i just want to be able to relax tonight. Maybe i will even ask if i can get caned. i have been having that itch for the last few weeks. i would love to be able to sit on the plane with a sore ass. i know it would calm me for at least a little while.

Well, that is all. There is a large amount of dishes for the nurse that never shows up, and that never listens to me. She should be here soon. Then it is off to the shower for me, getting ready to go and get my toes and fingers done.

The package and 3 days to go

Wednesday - a snowed in day, but i went down to our Make-a-Wish sponsor's apartment to pick-up out package. The MIT went with me, and i even took some pictures. The package included a Yatzee game, a large Star Wars tin with pins and a stretchy monkey in it, and the itinerary for the trip. It was so exciting to actually hold it in my hands. The itinerary also included a cheque for expenses while we were away, as we will need to take taxis for some of the planned adventures we are going to have.

Thursday - This day was spent trying to cash the cheque for the expenses. It took my Sister and i 4 hours, and lots of phone calls to get it done. There was a problem with who signed it, and the bank not having that person on the signature card. It finally got done and i was finally able to breath.

Thursday night - E and i needed a night out. We needed to get away from kids, and actually interact with grown-ups. So off we went to the Social/Mixer. It was nice. We met a new person. It was very interesting. It didn't talk and didn't "have a face" as it was wearing a latex mask, gloves, and clothes that covered its skin. It answered questions with a clip board. The night was otherwise calm. Well, i did cause a bit of trouble. i called someone by their real name even though they don't want to be called it. i got confrontational when a "Dom" called me a "subbie", and he apologized. It was fun.

Today - this morning i have a doctor's appointment. Soon. After that, time to relax. Later it will be therapy time again. i am not dreading it. i am not excited about it. i am kind of indifferent today. i have to much other stuff to think about. Laundry, packing, dishes, cleaning. Just alot of other stuff on my brain to fill that feeling spot right now. Plus, there are only 3 more sleeps before we get on a plane to New York. i am getting really excited. So is the MIT.

Anyways, off to start the day and get more ready than i am.

An apology of sorts

i realized this morning, that i did not send out loves and hugs to all the people in my life that i love and cherish and couldn't live without. So here is a little bit of that

P&E - i have known you both for 8 years (?). You have watched me grow. You have helped me grow. You have both been there to support me in everything i have done, even when it wasn't the smartest thing for me to do (remember the biter?) i know i have taken you for granted, and i hope to remedy that. i love you both. i walk around with your wisdom and words of encouragement in my head and know that no matter what i do, you will be there for me.

L&D - one i have known longer than the other, but as a pair, you are unimaginably wonderful. You have been there to listen to me, to help me cry, to bring me back up when i needed during this past (almost) year. i am glad to have gotten to know you both better, and cherish the support you have given, and hope you will continue to give. i love you both, and hope to keep you in my life for a very long time.

CB - although we have known each other for a long time, i still feel like i don't know you. i haven't put myself out to you as much as i should. i know you are there for me, and i hope in the future i can show that i am there for you. You can dress me anytime you want. We need to set up a special shopping day. You have a great fashion sense, and can always find a deal. i love you and hope to prove it more in the years to come.

D - You are my other mother. i still have the card you sent me even before meeting me. You are someone i look up to, especially now. i love you and your being in my life. You can play with my boobies any time.

H - You scared me when i first met you. Your stance, your height, your demeanour. i have learned of the fuzzy teddy bear that is inside you and love you for letting me get to know that side of you better. Your hugs are genuine, and comforting. i love you and am glad you are in my life.

Mom - i complain about you all the time. i get frustrated with you more often than not. You are a great power in my life, and i am glad i was born to you. i know i take you for granted at times, and for that i am sorry. You deserve more credit than i give you. You have helped me in raising the MIT, in keeping me sane, and financially. i love you, even when you drive me crazy.

Dad - i have always felt uneasy around you. Not knowing when i have pleased you or made you proud. When you stood up for me the other day, it was a wonderful feeling. i have always loved you and will always love you. Your passions (well at least Nascar) have become my passions. You have influenced my life in more ways than you know. You have taught me patience, dirty jokes, and how to make the best out of a really bad situation. i love you Dad.

Sis - my rock for the last year. You have been my secret support in all things. You listen to me complain, and don't try to fix it. You get blamed for things i do. You never get enough credit. You are the best sister anyone could have, and i am glad we have become more like friends as we have grown older. i love you

Mike - Even though You are not here anymore, i still carry with me parts of You. i still carry around the confidence You helped me build. i still see construction sites like i never did before. i can hear Your words in my head when i start to get down on myself. i am glad You finally felt more comfortable about Your whole self. i wish there had been more time to watch You grown to Your full potential. i will always love You and miss You.

That is all i can think of for now. i know some of the people i have written to won't ever see this. i also know i needed to say it. You are all positive people in my life and i am glad to know each and every one of you.

Valentine's day and Trapped

So it is Valentine's Day. Great. Single, with no partner. It is just another day. The MIT is getting a Valentine. Something He has earned. His own house key. He is going to be thrilled. When i let Him open it.

We are trapped in the house today. The snow at my door is higher than my knees. i know i am going to have to shovel. It is sad when a plow can't even make it threw all the snow in the survey. More snow is falling. Stores are closed. Services are cancelled. The city is shut down. It is really cool when you think about it. But to someone that has stuff to do, and a trip to plan for, it is really scary.

i feel like i have so much stuff to get done before we leave. Today does not feel like a day i should be stuck in the house, with no place to go, and nothing to get done. It feels like i should be up to my ears errands, chores and panic. At least i do not feel the panic. This is one of those days i have been telling the MIT about for years.

The big storms of my childhood. The stories of us and our neighbours going out and having show fights while the grownups try to shovel. Memories of everyone in the area helping each other out. i wish i was a kid again, and liked playing in the snow. i wish i had snow pants and could go out without worrying about feeling cold. Lots of hot chocolate would be had. OK, shovelling doesn't sound so bad anymore. Shovel, get hot chocolate, get exercise, and get to make a path from my front door to my van.

So, for today.....

• shovel walkway
• pack some clothes in luggage
• clean the bathroom
• do dishes
• vacuum the living room
• finish puzzle

OK, that sounds like a good plan. But first, the MIT gets His present!

T minus 6 days

In six days we leave. The MIT is still sick. He is off school again today. i seem to be starting to get His cold. i am not happy. i am going with the flow. If we are sick, so be it. We can still meet Mr. Myers. We can still go to NY. i just will be carrying lots of kleenex, and lots of decongestants. (mantra - just go with the flow and live in the moment)

The weather has changed here. It is now January. Lots of snow. The snow that has been sitting south or north is now here. Sure it will make driving around a little difficult, but i am one of those weird people that like the snow. Plus, most of my running around has been done. i only have to go out for a few things today. my Mom will be looking after the MIT during that time.

• take back MIT's pants
• pick up my hemmed pants
• fold and put clean laundry away
• clean the bathroom
• do dishes
• gather clothes and start packing

Not to stressful stuff. Stuff i can get done without worrying about the weather too much. Stuff that needs to be done. Stuff to keep me from going crazy. After today, there isn't much i HAVE to get done. It will all be packing, cleaning, and doing little things for me because they will make me feel better. i really want to get my eyebrows waxed before i go.

OK, time to feed the Monster.

A kink in the works

No, not that kind of kink. Try the MIT at home with a cold. i can't have Him going to school and prolonging this cold. i need Him healthy for the trip. So, home He shall stay. This means that what i planned for the day, is now screwed up. No aquafit. No major running around. No time to myself to clean. It is really hard to clean around Him. Today is officially the "go with the flow" kind of day i dread. i like order. The MIT breaks up that order.

As far as what i had to get done yesterday, i did most. i still have a few things from yesterday to do today, but it will all depend on timing. That and lots of tea, chicken noodle soup, and vitamin C's.

Stuff To Do

• pickup meds
• take back MIT pants
• get gas
• gather and put clothes and stuff into luggage

Not that big a list. i can even take the MIT out for that short amount of time. Not a big deal at all. i doubt the MIT will be able to go to school tomorrow. i will have to figure out what was scheduled for Tuesday and maybe work some of it in today. i will have to think about it.

On with my day.

Just a warning, Plus

This is a warning to those that read here and to myself. The next week will be filled with "To Do" lists, emotional stress, and panicked feeling. These will all be related to the trip the MIT, my Sis and i are taking next week. This is my preparation week. Not a pretty sight, but something i have to do.

To Do Sunday

• Shower and dress
• go to Day/night (drop of script and drug card)
• go to Value Village (take back pants for MIT
• go to Alterations (pickup pants, drop off pants)
• go to Food Basics (get pop)
• go to Mom and Dad's (dinner)
• go to Day/night (pickup script)
• come home

i am anxious and nervous and feel like i have too much stuff to do. i know i really don't, but i feel like i do. i just have to keep everything in perspective. i have lots of clean laundry to put away. i can do that in between the time to go to Mom and Dad's, and the time i am done running around. i am getting my luggage today, so i can start piling all the clean clothes i want to take with me in it. i have got to keep up on the laundry this week, so i am not stuck doing it all in one day.

Stuff i have already done is i have gotten books for me to read while away. i have gotten 4 pairs of pants hemmed (get to pick them up today). i have taken down the Christmas stuff. i have all the dishes done. i have all the laundry clean. i have my room pretty tidied.

i still have alot i want to get done. i want the MIT's room to be clean, i want all the floors to be cleaned. i want all the dishes done. i want to make sure the house is clean enough that when we return home, there isn't stuff for me to worry about, other than laundry and unpacking. That is my hope for this week. To get everything ready for the trip, and have the house nice for when we return.

OK. Time for my shower and to get moving.

One week and 3 days

i guess it is time for my weekly update.

1) Didn't go to aquafit at all
2) Only showered 2 times
3) Only drank all my water 2 times
4) Only cooked once
5) Ate after 8 each night
6) Did get dressed 4 times, but wore scrubs each time
7) Did go out 4 times
8) Did moisturize 5 times
9) Did do one foot procedure

i don't know why i fell back into my hiding place. i didn't try to fight it either. i went with the flow of wanting to just be at home and veg out. Next week will be filled with anxious energy, stress filled days, and worry. This isn't me giving power to the words, this is just me knowing that i am already feeling that way, and i still have no control over going away, and know how i am.

So, stuff to strive for this week
1) Shower 4 times this week
2) Get dressed 4 times this week
3) Drink 64 ounces of water each day
4) Go out 4 times this week
5) Moisturize 2 times each day
6) Gather together the clothes i want to take with me on the trip
7) Take my pants in to be hemmed
8) Find more red tops for the MIT
9) Gather together the clothes for the MIT for the trip
10) Gather together the other stuff for the trip
11) Wait for the "package" from Make-a-Wish
12) Go to Aquafit to relieve stress 2 times this week
13) Take Christmas stuff into the basement and out of the living room
14) Clean the house so it is nice to return home to

OK, it sounds like a lot of things, but i can do them all. i just have to keep myself busy and concentrate on what i want to do and can do, and stuff that doesn't get done means it wasn't all that important to me. i can already see a few things on the list i may not get done. No sweat though. i just have to learn to go with the flow

Feeling down

So far this week (which starts on Saturday for me), i have not reached many of my daily goals. i did not go to aquafit yesterday (i had a migraine). i did not drink my water. i ordered in when i really shouldn't have. i keep snacking after 8. i haven't left the house since i got home Sunday afternoon. i am feeling really down on myself right now.

The weekend was fun. i got to go to E's place and help P make her blush. i got to spend the night at L & D's place. Auntie L surprised me with a lovely, snugly, pink robe. i spent most of Sunday, and yesterday in it. It is like being held by a big teddy bear. It is so soft. i don't like taking it off. i have worn it to bed both nights.

On the Make-A-Wish front, i know where we are staying. i have looked at things that my sister and i can do either with the MIT or alone. i have found places i want to shop at. i have found places i want to take pictures of. i have negotiated with the MIT that He does not want to go to any plays (i had thought i had talked Him into Mama Mia, but i was wrong). He does want to see if He can be booked into any tapings of TV shows. Specifically the View (don't ask me why, i have no clue). i am feeling a bit better in control, now that i have done some research on what i want to do while there. i will also be borrowing my Nana's luggage. That way, i don't have to worry about fitting all of my stuff into my one bag, or even all of the MIT's stuff with it. i am thinking of packing an extra bag for stuff we buy while visiting.

i don't know how to get back on track yet. i will think on it today. That, or i will be playing Webkins all day.

It is Friday again

So yes, i am sure the MIT has school today. Yes i am up at the correct time. Yes the MIT is eating breakfast right now.

i survived, and actually thrived during the munch last night. i wore pants. i feel more assertive in pants. i feel more in control. Add my boots and i am down right confident. Well, outside my head. i find i pull off a more confident air, and can let myself act more of a bitch in those clothes. i confronted someone, out of spite, about the cookie swap back in December. It felt good. Really good. Listening to her spout off an excuse, thinking i would just accept it since she is a "Dom". me? i had to have the last word. That is just who i am. (she didn't answer any of my emails pertaining to the swap and said she didn't get them, and that she figured i would get a hold of her. NO thought on her getting a hold of me. She is "Dom") i also met new people. i joined their table, along with E. They were interesting people. It was nice to see new faces, and even 2 old faces. i think the two slings i had helped the situation allot.

This week i hit most of my goals. Considering i set more goals for this week over last week makes me feel good. i think i will add another goal to this week. i am just not sure which one. The hardest goals i had this week, was no eating after 8pm, and cooking Saturday and Sunday. that one i totally sucked those. For the no eating after 8, i was able to do it Saturday and Sunday night. The cooking Saturday and Sunday (and Monday) was trashed because i ordered in on Saturday (can't afford that) and then the celebratory dinner at my parent's house on Sunday. i did cook lunches every day. i think that counters the not cooking dinner those days.

Today is visiting the doctor's (to see how much i have gained) and then to therapy. i hope that today isn't going to be to stressful. i am kind of needing a "no drama" day. Likely won't happen. i will probably end up crying and wishing i could change everything. i am getting used to that.

Next week, i start aquafit with E and her mom D. We are going to go on Mondays and Wednesdays. Moving is always good, and having something to do during the day when the MIT is at school is a good idea for me. My sister is going to be giving me some money later this coming week, so i can go shopping for some things to wear to New York. (i have gained weight and the jeans L gave me, which are my favourite, don't fit anymore)

So, goals for this coming week (starting on Saturday)
1) shower 4 times (this week i managed 5 in total)
2) get dressed 4 times but wear scrubs only 1 time. (this week i managed every day this week)
3) drink 64 oz of water each day
4) cook dinner 3 times this week (either just for me, or for me and the MIT)
5) go out 4 times (other than aquafit)
6) no eating after 8:00 pm
7) moisturize my feet, hands, arms and legs 2 times each day
extras) aquafit 2 times, 2 foot procedures, find swimsuit, take the Christmas stuff down to the basement (i need it out of the living room. i really do)

i have to say, the sticker system is working for me. i like all the stickers i have and am using them wisely. And i am going to keep them all in a binder so i can keep an eye on my progress.

Ok, great. my printer just died.

6th time out of the house this week

So, i have made it out of the house each day this week so far. Either grocery shopping, or running around, or heading over to a friend's place. i even did 2 foot proceedures this week. i was able to not eat after 8, 3 nights. i have been drinking all my water. i have been showered 4 times already this week, with one more to go tomorrow. All is good, i guess.

Tonight i am headed out to the Hamilton Munch. i am nervous and scared. i don't like many of the people who go to this munch. i am especially scared of running into a couple that i had a dispute with back when Mike first died.

Tonight i am wearing Mike's calogne. i needed to smell Him again, and what better way than to smell like Him. It is calming me a bit. Not as much as i need, but enough for right now. Going to this munch always reminds me of Him. This is the one He always made it to, even if i couldn't. This is the munch that He enjoyed the most. E is going with me. i don't know if P will be there. i guess i will see. i am not looking forward to going. Not even the food. i know what Mike would order. He would have either the burger, or the fish and chips. i am just hoping to make it to the other side without completely loosing my composure.

School or not school

Today was supposed to be my first day, at home, without the MIT since the 19th of January. i set the alarm. i was up, and got the MIT up. All was right in the world. Well, not quite.

i had thought the MIT didn't get on the bus until 8:30, and not the usual 7:30, so i didn't wake Him up until 7:00. i had to rush Him to get dressed and force fed Him a peanut butter sandwich. We stood at the door, waiting for His bus. And we waited. And we waited. Finally, i called the bus company, and guess what. No school for the MIT today!

He is thrilled. me, not so much. So here we are. Home together again. me with running around to do. Him sitting comfortably on the couch. i had wanted to go look at clothes. i had wanted to just watch MY TV shows. i have got to get groceries today. i am going to have to drag Him out of the house to get groceries. This not having food for His lunches and for quick dinners for me is not right.

Wish me luck (whine)

i can always find a reason to stress

As my friends know, i am a list maker. i like to make lists to keep on track. i like to make lists when something new is about to happen. i like to make lists to help me feel in control.

Right now, i can not make a list in regards to the trip to New York. i don't have enough information yet. i don't know what time we are leaving for the airport. i don't know if the MIT needs to be in His wheelchair for the flight. i don't know what to pack in my carry-on. i don't know what to pack for the MIT's carry-on. i don't know when on the 21st the MIT meets Mike Myers. i don't know what to do while in New York on the free days we have. i don't know what time we are flying home. i don't know what to pack from my limited wardrobe. There is just to little that i do know.

i know we should be leaving on the 19th and returning on the 23rd. i know the MIT meets Mr. Myers on the 21st. That is it.

i need an itinerary. i need a schedule to follow. i need to know how much shopping to do before going. i need to know i should be shopping for. i need to know what the MIT wants to do on our free days. i need to know to know so much before i can start with lists. Lists keep me sane.

So because there is so much i don't know, i am starting to panic. i am starting to freak out. i totally freaked out last night. Crying and stressing and missing and more crying. i even binged last night.

i just really want more information!!!!!!!!!!!

The day after and some good news

So i survived the Confirmation. my Mom took center stage. She did what she always does. i was brushed to the side, and was just a member of the family. But, i kept on a much needed happy face, and even went to my parent's house for dinner. i did get sad at one point, knowing that Mike should have been there. Here is a picture of the MIT with His class and the Bishop after being confirmed.

Today i got a call from the Make-a-Wish foundation, and it is official. The MIT will be meeting Mike Myers on Wednesday February 21st. i don't know for sure what day we will be flying out, but it sounds like it will be on the Monday (19) and returning on the Friday (23). New York in February. i can't wait. Either can the MIT. He is actually excited. He is excited about the ride in a limo, and about being in a hotel room, and about meeting Mike Myers. i am more excited about being in New York. i want to take the MIT on tours. i want to take Him to see sites He has only seen on TV.

But my biggest thing about this trip? What the hell am i going to wear to meet Mike Myers. i know what the MIT is going to wear. He will be wearing His signature red shirt and green pant. Heck that is what He wore to His confirmation, why would meeting a movie/TV star and comic be any different. But what am I going to wear?

(some pictures of the cathedral)

Confirmation Day

i am so stressed out right now. i am not comfortable in any of my clothes. i can't seem to settle. i haven't wrapped the MIT's pressent. i am shaking about going to this without Mike. He would have fought tooth and nail about entering a church, but He would have come. He would be sitting next to me, watching the MIT take this leap from being a member of the church, to being an adult in the eyes of the church. He would also have kept me safe from my Mom's yelling.

That is what i am worried about. i am worried about how my Mom's stress is going to be taken out on me. i am sure she is going to find something wrong with how i am dressed. She will find something wrong with how i wrap the cross the MIT is getting. She will find fault in the tone of my voice, the way i look at her, my silence, my voice. She will find fault in anything i do, and i am in no mood to deal. If i could get away with having alcohol on my breath when she picked me up, i would definitly down a bottle of Bailey's. Instead, if they have communion, i will be taking more than a sip of the wine.

Well, time to take a deep breath, put on makeup, and try to calm down.

All in one day

Therapy went ok yesterday. Sandy asked me a bunch of questions about how the week has gone, and i vented about my Mom and the MIT's confirmation. She then asked me about how Mike would have helped me with it, if He would have been a buffer. So then there was lots of talk about how Mike was a part of the family. How He would calm me down if Mom got to agressive. How He would take care of certain things so i didn't have to go to my Mom for them. Then she said the word "How could you not miss Him?" See, this is my big issue right now. i think i should be not missing Him so much, but do. Anyways, then we got into how i still blame myself for His dying. How i don't really know if it was suicide or not. If it was His big passive-agressive side trying to find away out of the relationship. So we got into talking about Him, and His ability to accept Himself or not, and that brought up more about the BDSM side of our relationship that i had not been open about yet.

So i outted myself. i told Sandy (Jen wasn't there and i don't think i would have told if she was there) about how i am a submissive, and Mike was my Dominant (no i did not use the word Master...only baby steps) and that Mike had begon exploring more of His submissive side, and how He had started to accept that side of Himself. i explained that Mike had "another" that He played with. And all during that time, i could see Sandy counting off the reasons why it could have been suicide, or why it couldn't have been suicide, in her head.

i know that Mike's wife will never tell me what the cause of death was. She has set up road blocks so i can't find out what killed Him. i will have to wait and try to find out when death certificates and post morten reports become public so i can find out for myself.

In other news, today i am looking after E's kids this afternoon. i am going to have to figure out a way to entertain them. i am so broke right now it isn't funny. i am low on bread, on milk, on basic food items, and don't get any money until Monday. i hate being broke. i feel so out of control when i have no money.

i got an email from the AHC mailing list i am on. One of the girls (she is now 25, and i met her when she was about 11) is having more episodes that look like what the MIT has now. This is new for her. She didn't have these sorts of episodes way back when, and has progressed to having full blown episodes with eratic and trouble breathing. This is something that has been happening to the MIT since He was 4. Yes He is progressing to more difficulty breathing. Yes He has more full blown episodes than before, and yes they are scarier. Since AHC is progressive, what have i got waiting for me? What has He got waiting for Him? It scares me to think that there will be more for Him to deal with, that this could lead to His death. That is what it feels like when He has those types of episodes. Like He is going to die. There isn't anything the hospitals or doctors can do for Him during these episodes. i know what the family is going through, and i want to reach out, but how do i say that it will get worse? That the trouble breathing will increase. That the times when His body really lets Him down happens more often. How do i tell myself that worse things will be happening, and i can't do anything about it? i don't think i can go there right now. Enjoy Him while He is here. That is all i can do. Well that, and give Him more hugs and squeezes every day.

i also get to set goals for myself again for this week. Last week went pretty well. i am using a sticker chart and giving myselt stars or happy faces when i complete a task for the day.

1) Have 4 showers this week
2) Go out and get groceries on Monday with the MIT
3) Drink at least 64 oz of water each day
4) Cook dinner on Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights
5) Go out someplace (no just picking someone up) 3 times this week
6) Get dressed in real clothes 4 times this week
7) No eating after 8:00pm each night

The last one is really hard for me, but it is a healthy thing to do. Maybe after some time of me doing the water and the no eating after 8, i will be able to fit back into the jeans that L gave me, and looked so damn good on me.

Quick recap :
1) outted myself to Sandy as being a submissive and that Mike was a switch that wasn't comfortable in His own skin
2) i want to find out what Mike died from
3) complained about no money
5) i am worried about the MIT's health and future
4) goals set for this week

The end of my week

Today marks the end of my week. Tomorrow starts a new one. This week i did really well. i have gone out more than 3 times. Today's shower means i have had more than 3 showers. i have had all 64 onzes of water each day since i started that. i have gotten dressed more than 3 times this week. i am really proud of this.

Today also means going to see Sandy and Jen. i don't know what we will talk about. It all depends on how i feel at the time i guess. i think venting about my Mom might be on the agenda, but maybe not. We will see.

Having the MIT at home all week has been difficult, and i am over tired. His beeping through the night and me not getting to nap like i usually do is hard. i can't wait for His exams to be over. Then He can go to school again. Then i can do a different routine. Then again, maybe His being here is helping with a routine.

catching up on goals

So far this week, i have increased my water drinking, gotten dressed 2 times, showered once, gone out and gotten groceries. i did not cook on Saturday, or Sunday, but i did on Monday. So far, so good.

Yay me!

Finding a way outside

So, i have gotten up, put in 2 loads of laundry (one is in the dryer now, and the other is in the washer). i have had a shower (that's one). i have changed over to the new blogger format (i am thinking of making this password protected). i have put all my meds into my week case (it has seperate compartments for each day of the week, and for each time i am supposed to take my meds). i have even played with my Webkins. Now i just need to figure out how to get out the door.

i have grocery shopping to do. i have no eggs, hot chocolate, oatmeal, pop for the MIT, bread. i have to go to the store. i just can't seem to make myself. i know how to do it. i have done it many times over. i have my "tools" on how to survive it. my iPod is all charged and ready to go. i have my list of things to get. i am not hungry so i won't go off list. i should be able to do this. i guess i just have to talk myself into it more. Maybe i need to just do it.

Until then, a bit of a break-through. i started to write out a fantasy last night. i spent 1 hour on it, and already have 4 pages done. i don't know if i will post it here, because the premise points to people i know, and have talked about here. i don't know if i am ready to expose them to others in my fantasy. i am thinking i will ask them if i should post it here, but that means letting them read it. i don't know if i want evil (in a good way) minds knowing what i am thinking about.

Oh and on the rest of my goals list i posted yesterday. i didn't cook last night, unless you count leftovers. Which i am doing. I also have a new goal. i found my old Weight Watchers sport bottle thingy, and am going to have at least 2 full ones, filled with water each day. Water is good for you. i need to start drinking more water and less pop.

Ok, this is still me figuring out how to get out the door. Wish me luck

Update : i made it outside. That means that i also got dressed in real clothes (that's 1). i went and got groceries all by myself, and i even went to get smokes from the reserve. i am now totally wiped out, and ready for a nap.

After Therapy

Therapy was ok today. i walked in with an ok attitude (i had just gotten 2 interesting phone calls, and the effect was nice). Sandy took it easy on me. i only cried a little.

We talked about what Mike has left me with. Not just material stuff, but emotional stuff. i can still see myself threw His eyes. i can still see myself as beautiful. i can still see myself as a good submissive. i can still see myself as confident in some things. Yeah there are still issues, and i have had some set backs in looking at myself threw His eyes, but it made me feel better to hear it, and is making me more aware of how i look at things.

i need to set some goals for myself. i haven't had any goals since Christmas. It is time again. Especially after this past week. So, goals for this week (Friday-Friday)

1) Shower 3 times. (compared to the no times over the past 7 days)
2) Get dressed 3 times. (compared to the wearing pajamas all week)
3) Do 3 reflexology treatments
4) Cook meals on Saturday, Sunday and Monday
5) Get out of the house and get groceries, alone (compared to having others take me out for little running around sessions)

Well, i guess that is all. Here is hoping i can do it.

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Something positive?

OK, positive thoughts.

The MIT is still a light in my life and i get to spend all next week with Him again. He has the week off because He doesn't get to take exams. He and i get to spend more quality and quantity time together. He is so cuddly.

i have been taking my medications when i should. This is a big deal for me, since i would rather sleep my time away, and have actually gotten up and taken my meds as prescribed.

i have completed 2 foot procedures since the new year started. i still have alot to do, but i have cleaned up my room more, so i can take clients in there, even if the nurse and MIT are here. i don't know when people will come here, but i will work it out. i just wish i had more people that i could do procedures on. (Anyone in the Toronto/Hamilton/St. Catherine's area want to volunteer? No charge. Donations welcomed.)

i have 2 webkins (http://www.webkins.com) that keep me entertained and out of trouble.

Well, that is all i can think of. Maybe i will come up with more later.

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Broken still

i have been feeling broken since the 12th. That was the date of my last therapy session. i said things out loud, i had been protecting myself from feeling. All this week i have felt like i was split apart in many different pieces. i have hidden in my room, wearing only pajamas all week. Even going out to the store i have worn pajamas. i have been crying at the drop of a hat. i have cancelled going out to stuff. i have curled up in the dark, listening to nothing, drinking hot chocolate. i have sat on my bed, surrounded by covers and pillows and stuffed things, colouring. i have been working on puzzles and trying to piece them together. Today is therapy again, and i am not looking forward to it.

i am worried about feeling more broken and in more pieces. It makes me feel out of control (and not in the good way). i don't know if i can handle another week of feeling like this. i want all the sad to go away. i want all the hurt to go away. i want to be able to look forward to waking up again. i want to feel in control again. i want to stop crying for no reason. (ok, so there is a reason, but shouldn't i be over it by now?) i don't want to post or feel only sad things. i want to feel some joy again.

i am going to post a second entry in a minute, trying to post positive things about this past week or so. i want to post positive thoughts and maybe a fantasy or something that isn't so sad and weak.

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No School due to Weather

That is right. It is the very first day of school closures due to the weather. It isn't a snow day though, because that would imply that we actually have snow. We don't. We have ice and ice.

Ice, although dangerous, is pretty. The trees are all glittery. The sidewalks have that shimmery surface that only ice can give it. The rain is still falling, and the ice is still forming, so who knows how much this ice will do to things.

What i know, is that i am almost out of diet Pepsi, hot chocolate, and even some meds. All these things i need to leave the house to get. That means driving on icy roads with people that may not be used to driving on ice. i am not sure that is a challenge i am up to. We will see if i actually leave the house or not. At least i have tea. That will help me feel all warm and cozy, along with my pajamas, and a puzzle to complete.

i just wish there was snow.

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Feeling broken

i had therapy on Friday, and since then i have felt broken. i feel like there are so many pieces of me shattered that i can't put myself back together. i have been hiding in my room since.

Sandy got me to say out loud how much i am missing Mike. How i still want to just plain wake up and it be May again. How i think maybe i am the one passes out in a hospital bed and everyone is waiting for me to wake-up. That Mike is sitting by my side and holding my hand and the MIT is with Him, and my parents, and everyone is just waiting for me. That i am the one that is dead and living in hell. Yes i have been feeling this, and yes i can put on a happy face at times, but that is how i feel. She got me to say it out loud.

Now i feel broken. Lost in grief again. Not knowing how to come out the other side. Crying is a constant. Thinking i have upset people, that i have let people down, that i am alone in feeling all this.

i feel like saying sorry to L&D for screwing up and eating cashews. i feel like saying sorry to P&E for not helping with the move. i feel like making it up to everyone but i don't know how. i am glad the MIT isn't here with me today, or even last night. He shouldn't have to see all this again. He shouldn't have to live in a sad house again. But that is how i feel. Sad. Lost in this feeling like i can never be whole again. Lost in this feeling that it is all my fault, that if i had done something differently Mike would still be here. Lost in guilt and grief and fear.

i feel so broken, and i don't know how to put the pieces together again. i tried taking down all the Christmas stuff and stuffing it all in its boxes. That just made me feel more sad. i tried talking to Him last night, asking Him to wake me up, but here i am, alone. i don't know how to get out of feeling this way. i don't know how to feel whole again.

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Nuts!

Yesterday i did something stupid. i ate some cashews. Let me explain

On May 9th, 2006, i was diagnosed with allergies to tree nuts. i have an epi-pen incase this allergy causes trouble breathing. Tree nuts include almonds, walnuts, pecans, pistachio, brazil nuts, beechnuts, cashews, chestnuts, and macadamia nuts. i am not allergic to peanuts. Peanuts are a different nut all together. Since being diagnosed, i have eaten some types of tree nuts, like walnuts and almonds, with no reaction. That is a good thing.

So, after cleaning L&D's place, and after getting the girls, i had some cashews from a container of mixed nuts that were on the table. Within 15 mins (might have been less) my stomach was cramping, and i was vomiting. i already had benadryl in me (L&D have cats) so the itching and sneezing stuff didn't happen. Luckily, i did not get any breathing problems. i kept falling asleep. Even after L got home, i would doze off. i felt like i was outside of my body. It felt really weird. i left early, not getting any reflexology practice, and drove all the way home. Shortly after that, i was fast asleep. i slept all night long.

i love cashews. i remember eating them every Christmas time. Unfortunately, my body has now decided that cashews are not a good food for me. This morning my body is not happy with me. i missed last night's meds. i am itchy and my eyes are swollen. my face is blotchy. i look like a mess. So, no more cashews for me.

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Looking to the positive

Things feel like they are going better. i guess i am feeling better also. i have been taking my medication when i am supposed to. 6:30, 12:00, 5:00, and 9:30. i am taking all of them and not missing any. i am also taking my puffers when i am supposed to, and not over using them. my cough feels better, and my voice is coming back to normal. i even got to do 2 reflexology treatments last night.

i haven't heard anything from either the President Choice Charities people (wheelchair van) or the Make-a-Wish people (meeting Mike Myers). i hope to hear from them soon. This waiting sucks. Even with the waiting, good things seem to be happening.

The MIT is getting confirmed (Anglican style) on the 28th. This is something He really wants to do. He has been taking the confirmation classes for a bit, and is enjoying them. He has true faith. He doesn't question why bad things happen, or why God would do something like take a life. He gets mad at God at times, but still believes with His whole heart that there is God and Jesus was God's son. It is nice to see that He believes in something so fully. That isn't to say He puts down other beliefs. He understands and has interest in the Jewish faith. i have introduced Him to the Pagan faith. His next interest is Islam. He even attends a Catholic High School. It is like He wants to understand them all, and get a sense of them all, but He still believes in Christianity. He is a really cool kid that way. i really got to enjoy Him again, during the Christmas vacation time. i hope i can say the same in another week, when He is off for exams.

For me, well, today puts me back on a normally scheduled event. i get to clean today! No, not my house. i hate cleaning my house. i get to clean L&D's place today. i am also going to get to do a reflexology treatment on at least L.

So, i may be fighting it with almost everything i have, but life seems to be going forward. i still need to get on with life here at home. Yes the tree is down, but all the decorations are either still up, or sitting on my kitchen table. i need to put that stuff away. i also need to start taking care of myself in other ways. i haven't shaved in forever. my pits are hairy, and so are my legs and other areas. my feet are dry and scaly. my skin is all dry and needs looking after. i haven't put makeup on in forever. My dress feels sloppy and unkempt because i just don't seem to care. i need to start taking care of myself that way. Yes, the nasty part of my brain keeps speaking up, and reminds me that i have no one to do it for, but i do. i have myself to do it for.

i am also starting to crave again. Crave giving myself over to Another. Crave following direction. Crave pain and release. Crave being under someone's thumb. i have the desire, the craving, but that nasty part of my brain keeps speaking up about how it hasn't been long enough. That i would be pushing myself too soon. i don't know about all that, just that i am craving again.

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A punch to the gut

i just read an email from the AHC (Alternating Hemilplegia of Childhood) list. It was from a parent i had met when the MIT was first diagnosed. At the time, the daughter was an active pre-teen. She was having a few episodes, doing ok in school, was in special classes for most subjects, and had red hair and glasses. i was scared of her. i saw the way she walked, and it wasn't a "normal" walk. i heard the way she spoke and it wasn't a "normal" speach. Other than that, she was fine.

Over the years, i have read about her progress, but nothing warned me about the email i just read. She is now having the stopping breathing episodes. She is having more and more days where she can't move. She needs to be fed more often then she can feed herself. None of this was ever commented on before. The family can't find a group home for her, since she stops breathing so often. They are looking into a nursing home for her. She is now 25.

The MIT shows this behaviour now. The stopping breathing. More and more episodes where He needs constant care. If this is where He is now, and she has progressed to where He already is, how much longer? How much longer before He gets worse and worse? How much worse can He get? How much longer will He be with me?

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hmmmm.....

i have got to get into doing my foot procedures done. i have to do 70 procedures (not 70 people, and not 70 feet). i have done 5. Yes, i said 5. So, i have to get them done. i want to complete this. i want to be able to make money at this eventually. Sitting on my butt is not going to do it.

i have set it up so i can get started. i have arranged that my Sis will watch the MIT on Thursday nights so i can get at least one procedure in (maybe 3 if i am allowed to do the girls, and maybe even 4, if i get to do the boy). i am also going to be going over to E's every Wednesday so i can do at least one that night (maybe 3 if i can get the girl and boy to let me). Then there will be the occasional person on a weekend. If i can keep up this pace (limited to 2 people per week) it will take me about 32 weeks. If i can add in the other people, or even find other people, it will take me shorter.

i also have to set up a date to write my exam, and book times for my mid-term and final practical exams.

i have all my stuff now. i have the pillows. i have my pillow cases. i have my charts. i have my paperwork. i have all my towels and witch hazel. i have a space in my room to do the procedures. i have everything i need. i have everything, except the chair. i can work around the chair. i can have people lay on my bed and i can sit on a stool and do the procedure. That isn't really a big issue, but i really want that darn chair.

The chair is a portable recliner. i used one at the school. It is easy to use, and easy to set up. It is perfect. The way it is made, i have a spot to hang towels and stuff off of. i have a spot to put my bottle of witch hazel. i have full access to the person's feet without hurting my back. It is the perfect chair, and even recommended by the Ontario Institute of Reflexology. i want one!!!!!

Here is the link to a picture of it. Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it perfect?
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B00011HJLQ/ref=dp_image_0/103-2972667-1950265?ie=UTF8&n=286168&s=garden

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Back to the old routine

The MIT is back at school today. That means we have to start our old routine.

i wake-up and play on the computer from 5:30-6:00
i wake the MIT at 6:00, then He gets dressed
breakfast for the MIT from 6:30-7:00
7:00 MIT puts on coat, socks and shoes and gets ready for the bus
between 7:20-7:30 the bus gets the MIT

From that point, it is all me time. Today i am going to head back to bed for a nap, then get up for lunch. After lunch, do running around. i must be home for the MIT by 2:30. Maybe getting back into a routine will be good for me. It will give me structure. It will give me something to wake-up for each morning. i just wish i didn't have to get up at 5:30 to make sure everything runs smoothly.

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Therapy

i reclaimed something Thursday night. Something i thought was lost with Mike's death. The ability to make myself orgasm without that "yes" in my ear. i did it. Yes i still asked for permission out loud. Yes i still begged for me to be allowed. It was like i gave myself permission. Man did i feel guilty afterwards. i still do. i feel like i betrayed Him. That i let Him down.

Yesterday was a busy day. First it was my doctor's appointment. Then was the session with (what the MIT calls them) my Beths.

The doctor's went well. i lost 5 lbs. my blood pressure was normal. i got a new med to help with my asthma. She checked my chest to make sure there wasn't an infection. She said there were a few rumbles, but not to be worried. She took a peak out to the MIT and saw how big He is getting. She told me some gossip about another doctor i know. It was a really cool.

The Beths. Lets see. They have realized that right now my big block is involving Mike, and not the MIT. Yes i have issues i need to work through concerning the MIT, His disorder, His changing status, but none of that is what is really holding me back right now, or what is motivating the thoughts of suicide and anxiety. It is hard not telling them everything about the type of relationship i had with Mike. i have danced around it. i have said things like we negotiated about "rules" (yes i did the quote thing in the air when i said it), that there were consequences to not following what we had negotiated. i have said that He guided me threw allot of stuff, and helped me set goals. i have said that i feel lost since His death. i don't think i have come all out and said what our relationship was really like. i don't know if i really want them to know. Yes i think they will judge me if they knew.

So we talked about how the relationship was. They said i had a smile on my face when i talked about Him and i. Even when i talked about the arguments, and the breakups we went through. i didn't feel like i smiled. i just remembering pain. Pain in my chest. Pain in my stomach. Physical pain when describing memories. We talked about how guilty i feel for not being able to stop Him from dying. How i should have still been online with Him so i could have called 911. How i don't know how or why He died and i am sure i could have done something to make it not happen.

When i got home, all i could do was cry. Cry and weep and feel more pain. Cry over the loss of my collar around my neck. Cry for not being able to remember what His voice sounds like. Cry for not being able to smell Him on His clothes. Cry for not being able to remember what kissing Him feels like. Cry for Him not being here to hold me. Cry for not having to worry about where i sit in the house. Cry for sitting in His place on the couch and ignoring my space on the floor. Cry for missing Him so much it hurts.

i feel like i am stuck. i feel like i am lost in tears and sadness and can't see to tomorrow anymore. i am scared of the MIT going back to school and having nothing to do during the day anymore. i am scared that i have lost my power to motivate myself. i am tired. i am just so tired again. i miss feeling joy, or happiness.

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