Just for me

i have found myself worried about what i put here the last few days. i don't want my rants of the moment to affect how friends treat me. i don't want the words that i want to write to myself make others feel like i am talking about them. i don't want the words i am typing to be interpreted as complaints about those in my life. i hope that anyone reading this does not take it personally. It is just how i feel at the moment.

i have conversations with Mike all the time, especially at night, when i am alone in the house. This weekend has been full of those talks. i talk about how i feel and why i am feeling it. This weekend i talked about feeling like the perpetual extra. i even got mad at Mike because even with Him (even though i used to keep telling myself He was the only one that never treated me like an extra) i was an extra. i was the submissive on the side. i was the one the wife didn't know about for a very long time. When Mike decided to explore His submissive side, i was the extra that He felt He could talk to.

The perpetual extra. That is how i feel. i am the one that everyone else feels they need to take care of. i am the one that really isn't ever treated like number one. i am the one that is less than others because i am not Their only. Ok, not really their only, i don't mind that, but it is more like i am not anyone's first. i deserve to be someone's first. i am not talking virgin here. i am not talking about someone new to the scene. Man this isn't going well. How do i explain it?

Ok, with Mike - He had His wife. When i met Him, He also had His submissive. i was the add on. When He and the submissive broke up, i became His submissive. There was still His wife. His relationship with her, was the important one. He always said it wasn't, but really, if i had to be very very quiet when she called, and my time with Him on weekends depended on if she needed Him, then yes, i was second. i wasn't the main concern. i wasn't the one that He concentrated on. It stayed that way after He found S. S became the one that He centered His attention on, after His wife. i always felt like the second. The add on. The one that would be there, no matter what, when He needed me. i know He loved me. i know i was special to Him. i was still an extra. Still an add on.

With my friends - Now this is harder to express. This isn't their fault. This is my fault because i am not good at asking for what i need. i tend to follow others, and i do it because i want to "fit in" (welcome to low self esteem). my friends are great. They take care of me. They worry about me. They love me. i have no doubt of any of that. This is just how i feel, not how they make me feel. i am still the add on. i am the extra to their core relationships. i am the toy that can be added or just put away for when needed another time. It isn't their fault. It is just who i have made myself.

i don't want to be JUST an extra anymore. i want to be the first. i deserve to be the first. i deserve to be the one someone thinks of before anything else. i know i am not ready for a relationship. i know that for right now, being an extra is ok for me. i also know that when i am ready, i will be looking for someone that isn't going to treat me as an extra or an add on.

But the big revelation of the weekend, was that i got mad at Mike for making me feel like an add on. For making me feel like an extra, in a relationship that i should have felt like His first. That after all these months, i am able to look at our relationship in a not so good light. i am finally able to see some of the things that didn't work. The "picture perfect" idea about Him and i is slowly vanishing. That i am able to look at Him with out rose coloured glasses. i was able to get angry at Him for treating me like shit. i was able to get mad at Him, and am still mad at Him.