Questions

Last night, i couldn't seem to settle. i had thoughts rushing in my head. i had to talk to Mike and did. For hours.

i guess i thought i could forget this week, and just enjoy. Instead, i have thoughts of what would things really have been like this year. Last year, Mike and i were having problems. We seemed to be working them out. Then He died. Now i am left wondering what would be now.

Where would we be today? What would we be doing this weekend? Would we still be together? Would we just be friends? Would i still be wearing His collar? Would we have broken up for good? Am i better off since He died? Is my life less stressful since He died? Is there less drama? Am i more assured? Am i taking control of things i left to Him? Am i taking more responsibility? Is life better now?

These, and other questions kept me from sleeping properly. i don't know the answers. The questions keep running in my head. i want happy thoughts. i don't want these types of questions. i want to be a happy person again. i want to feel strong again. Today i am not feeling strong. Today i am feeling small. Today i want to hide.