Provoking Thoughts

i am going through a thought process right now. It hit me yesterday on my way to my parents. It isn't a bad thought, it is more coming to a realization thing. i am trying to figure out, why, if i have asked for something (take birthday spankings), when it is going to happen, i get this coy, make-me but compliant feeling.

i remember doing it again Saturday night. Here i was, surrounded by friends, being teased about getting my birthday spanks, and i can remember blushing and staring at the floor. It was like, yes i asked for it, but i wanted someone else to "make me" do it. It was like i couldn't just accept that yes i was going to get what i asked for. So, because i just couldn't accept it, i needed to be in the frame of mind that it wasn't up to me anymore.

Why do i do it? Why do i need the pretext that it wasn't my idea in the first place? Why can't i accept that sometimes things do work out, and i can ask for stuff, and sometimes i will get what i want?

Is it that i have grown so accustomed to being told something would happen, with no follow up? that was a problem between Mike and i. He would tell me what He had planned, and i would get my hopes up. i would fantasize about it. i would anticipate how it would feel. Then, when the time came, we would end up watching TV, or going out to do "nothing". Is it old baggage from when Dad would be away and we would be told he would be home on a certain day, and that day would come and go with him still working someplace far away? Does it really matter why?

i don't want to act that way anymore. i want to be able to accept that i am worthy of getting what i sometimes ask for. Above that, i want to be able to feel worthy when time is spent on me being happy. (That one may take a while, but i will be working on it.)

What i am also finding interesting, and something i didn't expect, is that i don't feel any guilt. Yes i had my usual talk with Mike, and asked if He had seen it all, and how He liked the marks. Yes i talked about how nice it was. At no time during the talk, did i feel like i had gone against Him. At no time did i feel like i was being disloyal. i was happy about how i enjoyed myself, and told Him how proud i was (and am) in myself in not asking questions and going with the flow. i did tell Him i missed His being there during karaoke. Now that would have been a laugh.

i don't know if any of this makes sense. It does in my head. It is something (the accepting that i can ask and can receive sometimes) that i need to figure out how to change my thinking about. i need to find it in myself to be able to accept that i am worthy of the kind of attention that i got on Saturday, everyday of my life.