Flood gates

Therapy was yesterday. So was the doctor's. The doctor's appointment went ok. i lost 5lbs, my blood pressure was a little high, my throat is much better. i told her about my being sick while i sleep. She prescribed zantac. It may help.

Therapy was like a flood gate opening. i am still processing it. Basically it comes down to me feeling like i did 6 months ago. Because of that, i am feeling like a failure. i am wanting to shut down how i feel so i can survive the next few months. i want to just pretend that i am ok because feeling what i feel is too overwhelming. Stuffing down my feelings is hard work, but i don't know if dealing with how i am feeling is any better.

i didn't realize how much i have been looking for signs that Mike would be here this weekend. He would never miss the MIT's birthday. So i have been looking at trucks that look like His. i was expecting an email card for the MIT from Him today. i expected Him to wake up beside me. He had promised to always be here, and now He isn't. i am mad at Him about that. Plus i have to live through the next few months, with all the memories, without Him.

First it was my birthday. Then it is the MIT's birthday. Next is my Mom's birthday, Maud Day Thursday, Easter, our collar anniversary, P's birthday, the bowling party, Mike's death day, Mike's birthday, Mike's funeral day, and Mike's memorial day. Too many things all mushed up into 3 months. Too many memories squished into such a short time period. i just want to pretend none of it is happening. Just ignore everything and all the feelings. i made the joke that by the end of May i may have lost a lot of weight by then. Sandy made the comment i may be skinnier than her by then.

i told her how i felt like i have failed by stuffing everything away, and that i feel like the i am back to where i was 6 months ago. She asked if this process can't be back and forth. i guess i ignored that at the time. Instead i just buried everything by the end of the session. i walked out cheerful and like nothing was bothering me. That was great until last night when i went to bed. i ended up crying myself to sleep. At least i didn't wake up vomiting again. This time i just woke up nauseous.

So now to figure out what i am going to do. Bury every emotion i can come up with, or let them out and feel overwhelmed with it. i think right now, although not the best option, is to bury them. And hey, maybe i will end up skinnier than Sandy by the end of June.