Wed, 12 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i am missing You so much. The depression is getting worse. i am pulling away from everyone and everything.

Sherry really pissed me off. She is making Your death all about her. If anyone wants to do something, or make a reminder about You, it is about her. Hardly about me, but all about her.

Helmut had wanted to do a pagan ceremony for You. A pagan goodbye. He couldn't find a way to do it before Camp. So He wanted to do it on the Friday night of Camp. i couldn't handle the thought of it. i still can't. Anyways, it became all about how it is up to me and Sherry if it should be done...in Sherry's eyes. Nothing about the rest of the Org. Nothing about how really it is up to me, but all about mainly her.

That is how it always is with her. Every decission that is made is about her. Every time she spends here is about her and her grief. It doesn't matter how i am feeling. i get to express my feelings for like a minute and then it is all about her again.

i have stopped emailing her every day. i just can't. It was such a meaningful D/s thing between You and i. i am not in that place with her. She won't define it. i am still the extra with her. She tries to pretend i am not, but i am. At least with P and E, i know i am the extra.

i want to not be the extra anymore. i want You back and i want to be Yours again. Still. With You i know my place. i am Yours. You are my Master. i am Your submissive/slave. i have a place with You. i have no place without You. i am all alone. So alone that i am pulling away from everyone. i am lost. i need You.

Wed, 5 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: Private thoughts

i am supposed to mail that box to Bev. i was supposed to do it yesterday, but didn't, and i am supposed to do it today, but can't bring myself to do it. It is like the final step to saying that this is the reality. That there is no more chance for me to wake-up. Mom really pissed me off last night. "Are you going to do it or do I have to go out of my way to do it, and be angry about it". That was what she said. Like i need that. i felt like saying "thanks for all the support Mom. Thanks for not understanding that i didn't get to have a vacation when you took TJ on a trip You wanted him to take, and now i get to suffer for it." You know i didn't though. i could never actually say anything like that to her. It just isn't in me to do. Anyways, off to get E and drive her to school early. Seems i get her kids from 7:30 - 6:00 ish. No warning about the until 6. No warning about me even having the kids this week, cause last i heard, M was supposed to get them. Oh well. Off i go.i love You Master

Sat, 1 Jul 2006

i know that normally this weekend, You would be home with Bev. It just feels like You should be here, coming to the cottage with me and Sherry. You were supposed to come with us.Bev sent the items i asked for. Nothing extra. No thoughts of what mean something to me. Then again, that isn't like her. She finally got a full time job. Man that would have helped years ago. i can't believe it took You dying to get her ass in gear. i don't know how to make it plain to Sherry that i need to know where Her and i stand. i don't want a collar from Her. i am no where close to wanting or needing that. But i don't know my place with Her. i don't know how much control She wants or how much i am willing to give over. i also can't stand, and i mean really can't stand watching Her and buffy kissing and making out on the couch when all i get is to sit alone on the floor, and get a goodbye kiss from Her every once in a while. i get that She and buffy have an established relationship. i get that i am the intruder. i get that i am the extra. i just wish She would stop saying that i wasn't. Things aren't getting any easier for me here. i still have really bad days, and even worse nights. Maybe the talking to You outloud is helping. Maybe it is just my mind cracking more and more into being more and more crazy. i need the "weird shit" as Sherry calls it, to happen. i need to know that You are still here with me. Maybe i will feel more complete once i get the altar box from Dana. i will be able to hold Your tools. i will be able to feel You more. i think i have sucked out all of You from Your bag of stones. They don't feel right anymore. God i miss You. i need You still so much. i sit here staring at the box i am sending to Bev and wonder why i should do it. i know there isn't anything really special in it, but it is filled with pieces of You. i can't picture Your face in my head anymore. i can't hear Your voice anymore. i can't feel You in the house anymore. Please don't pull away from me yet. i am not ready. Please come back to me if You have left me already. i need to feel You, hear You, dream about You, have You sleep next to me, or have You hold me.Please just wake me up!

Wed, 21 Jun 2006

i am no longer going to exchange emails with Bev. i can't anymore. She was nice on the last couple, but i can't handle even seeing that i have received one from her. Peter is going to handle them from now on. Of course she threatened me again once i asked her to only email Peter. She threatened the cops coming to take Your stuff away. i went to the munch last night. It was a good munch. On the way home, i remembered that last time i drove home from the munch, You were here waiting for me. It was our last night together, ever again. i kept talking to You last night. i kept asking You to hold me, to let me feel You against my skin. Begging You to wake me up this morning. You didn't of course. You can't. You died. i can never feel You hold me again. i can never hear Your voice again. i will never smell You again, feel You in my mouth again, feel Your hands on my skin, feel the kiss of Your toys on my skin again. None of it.Never mind. i know this is a dream. That i have a lesson to learn from all this and once i have learned the lesson, i will wake up and You will be here, and everything will be normal again. We will send Mom and TJ off to Ottawa the right way. We will spend the time Mom and Dad take TJ away the right way. You will be at the org meetings and You will be here for S/mer camp. That is what will happen once You wake me up. That is the way it will be. It has to be. i'm going to lie down now. i need to feel You holding me. Maybe if i lie down in O/our bed, i will feel You. i need to feel You. i need You hear with me, and i need You back. Please. If this is the reality i am supposed to accept, please just let me feel You holding me. Let me smell You in O/our bed. Let me hear Your voice. Anything. Please.Still waiting to wake-up

Fri, 16 Jun 2006

know You aren't here, but i still need to talk with You, so here i am again. Our private space where i get to sound off, and You talk to me later about it. Whenever You get around to reading it that is. i need You to see the picture TJ had me take of him and i the day You died. The one he called You about, but You didn't answer the phone. i should have known something was wrong when You didn't answer the phone. Anyways, here it is. He started calling me shrimp after that. He was a good inch taller than me that day. He is taller now. You would be so proud of him and how he is doing. He has been talking with Beth, and is still blaming himself for You dying. He still wants to ignore it ever happened. He still says things that include You and makes plans that include You. He started asking about if i would be watching Big Brother with the two of you again this year. He was fooling around outside and i was scared he would get hurt, and he said that it was ok, "Mike will fix me if I get hurt". i don't know what to say to him when he says stuff like that. i had to re-teach him what to do if i used the epipen. He said that he was to call You, but that he knew he couldn't cause You were dead. The night the mouse came out, he gave me a big hug while Dad set traps and waited for it to show its head. He had me walk around outside, and kept saying "ask Mike how to get rid of it. Just look up and ask Mike, He will tell you" i tried to explain that i still can't hear You. That i can't feel You. It was too hard of a concept for Him to understand.Sherry is letting me call Her Mistress now. i still feel like an extra, an added-on. Someone She must feel obligated to look after. Peter said something about Her last night. Something along the lines of "what is Her deal anyways?" i looked at Him blankly and He said "i don't get Her, there is just something". i left it at that. i don't need to deal with that. i called Sherry Mistress in the Alt channel when Kat was there. We figure there will be some sort of questioning going to happen. That is one of the reasons Sherry, buffy and i are going to Monster's Munch. i am so nervous. There are people there that don't know that the 4 of us were working together. That the dynamics were great with the 4 of us. Tomorrow is the Org meeting. i have promised Peter i will be there. i don't want to go. i want to go off and pretend that life hasn't moved on without You. i don't want to be there and not hear "Hold on a minute" or "no ifs ands or buts", or even the "nevermind". Helmut wants to hold another kind of ritual for You at camp on the Friday night. That is way to much for me to handle. Another 2 months of trying to pretend that i am ok, and then having to deal with all the emotions surounding just being at camp without You. i can't handle that. It will be hard enough this year. Bev emailed me again. She wanted information about how to get ahold of Dr. Crombie. i called Carrie to make sure it was ok. Carrie said it was fine, so i will be sending that off to Bev soon. Bev also asked what i thought would be nice for TJ to have to remember You by. i figure anything that TJ had given You as gifts would be a good idea. Bev still shows so much anger in her email to me. She made the comment that she didn't know what to send for TJ, as she didn't think the female clothing and the 2 sex toys were appropriate. i wish she understood our relationship better, that i was never a threat to her. Anyways, it is time to go and get Sherry and then head out to the munch. i wish You were going to be there. i downloaded all of the photos i have of You onto the iPod You gave me. That way i can carry images of You where ever i go. Sherry even sent the ones from the last time we all played together. i have You standing over my red ass for the last time. i miss You so much. i know You can hear me. i know that when i talk to You here i am talking to You. i know that i am blocking out feeling You and hearing You because that would make this all real. You still have the deadline i set. You have until the morning of the 18th. i love You. Please just wake me up.

Fri, 9 Jun 2006

You lied more. You lied in Your journal. You lied when You told me and Sherry what was going on. You lied about not knowing why You needed to move things so quickly. You lied with the reason Dr. Miller called You into his office. i read the report. The CT that was taken in April, was compared to the one taken in August. The one that was taken AFTER surgery, and AFTER checmo and AFTER radiation. There was no barium in your system when the August CT was taken. It was read perfectly. There were lesions on Your liver. There were lesions on Your diaphram. There were lesions on the lymphnodes in Your abdomen. There was cancer everywhere. You were diagnosed as stage 3 after those CT's. They were scheduling You for biopsies at the end of May, not another CT. They were scheduling You for more investigation. This all explains stuff like You not dieting. You knew You were loosing weight again, and why You would be loosing more without changing what You were eating. You were wanting to fit so much more into Your life right now, because You knew You would have to start fighting with Your body again. You getting so angry that i showed up at the hospital the day that CT was read. You had hoped to put it in the back of Your head and not tell me, or anyone, the results. Why did You think You would have to go through all that alone? Why did You think i wouldn't want to know and would be there no matter what? Why did You have to hide it all? i know that the cancer didn't kill You. i know You didn't kill Yourself. So what was it that gave out? What was it that quit in Your body to take You away from me so soon after we were working so well together again? Why did You leave without taking care of the damned mouse? (yes the mouse is back). Why did You leave at all? Why does Bev say that You and i weren't what we once were anymore? What was it You told her? You told me You didn't tell her about the loosing of the collar, that as far as she knew everything was normal. Is it just her assumption that because Sherry is in Your life that she thought i was no longer there with You? Was it not really You that told her stuff but Aaron and Lore that did? Did they give Bev access to Your journal and did she read it in a way that made her feel better? Why does she have such a hate on for TJ? Why did she have to send me that bloody email about how TJ was not Your blood? When are You going to wake me up and answer all these questions??????

Thu, 8 Jun 2006

This is the only place i can talk to You Master. You aren't on msn anymore. You aren't on yahoo anymore. You don't get emails anymore. This is the only place. Why did You have to say You were going to be giving me Your collar back? Why? It gave me hope. Hope i don't have anymore. Why did You have to not email me often and only tell me You loved me on MSN or yahoo? Someone told Bev i wasn't important to You anymore. What do i have to do but sit here in my knowledge and just sit back and take all it is they have to say. i learned from You not to defend it. To just ignore it. i don't want to. i want to post conversations we had on MSN where You are giving me orders, and telling me You love me and that You and i were a full couple again. i want to post the ones where You said i belonged to You still, and always would. i want to screem and screem that i was more than just a friend before You died. i want to show the things You said to me. i have to go see the doctor today. She is going to find what she remembers as an abdominal ultrasound You recently had. If she remembers right, then it means You were in more trouble with Your cancer than You made out. i wonder if You told Bev about it. You didn't tell me or Sherry. You told us everything was ok. You would like what i did in the back patio. i got a new table and chairs, and i got planters. i am going to get flowers soon. Maybe today or tomorrow. i need it to be bright and different than when we would sit out there together. i have only sat out there once since You died. Bev says i don't get to go through what is left of Your stuff once she is done with it. She says i have to move on. She called me Your fuck friend. God i know how mad that email would have made You. You would have emailed her back. i can't. She is threatening legal action. Lore and Aaron are on the same band wagon. They did things that went against Your wishes. They went behind my back and have insulted me, have "threatened" me, have said things about You and me. People have said i shouldn't engage in their war with me. i haven't. they said You wouldn't have wanted me to. i almost laugh when they say that. You were the worst to act if someone did that. You would have been all over them and emailed back and forth with them. You would have made it public and told them off. i can't. i have to live with the consiquences of doing that. You don't have to now. You aren't here to defend me anymore. Did You ever really change Your will Master? You had said You did. You had said i would be taken care of. What was it that You meant? How was i to be taken care of? Did You leave instructions to Peter and Erin on what to do with me? Did You leave me instructions on how to get on with my life? i tried to make myself come Master. i couldn't do it. i kept wanting to call You like i always would to get permission. i wanted to hear Your voice telling me i was Your slut. i wanted it to be like it was on the 16th, when we were last together. i needed to feel You inside me like that night. i needed to feel Your hand in my hair, Your fingers pinching my skin, Your beating me with the blue strap while You moved in and out of me. i can't say this anywhere else. i can't talk to You anywhere else. i can't go up to see where they put Your ashes in the ground. Bev or Chris would get all angry. Especially with Your wedding anniversary coming up on Sunday. i wonder if Bev has figured out that i was the one that always reminded You of the date, or the date of her birthday, or the date of Chris's birthday, or the date of April's birthday, or the date of Neil's birthday? i doubt it. i have to go. It is time for me to get a shower, put on my cream, wake up TJ, and get on with the day. i miss You so much Master. Please wake me up soon

Sun, 4 Jun 2006

Why won't You wake me up? Why did You leave me here to clean up Your messes again? i get that You lied to me, over and over and over. Sherry shouldn't have had to learn that. Even now i hold our last conversation on MSN a secret. i have kept so many of Your secrets. You telling Bev that You worked on the weekends You wanted to be in town here. You telling one person one thing, and another a different thing. You saying what You think someone wants to hear, and hold the real, and total truth inside. i get that You left me with the lies You told me. i have lived with them so long, they are a part of You and of what i hold on to. But You have left me to not only make decisions without clear guidelines and alienate people, but You also left me to deal with the lies You told someone else. How many other lies am i going to have to clean up for You? How many other things am i going to have to hear or fix? i am not that strong. i am not that brave. But You also left me to be an extra. That extra person in a group. That extra person in a three-some. That extra person that doesn't have anyone inlove with them. That extra person that has no one for themselves. i want to fucking wake up. Now damn it. i want to wake up. Fuck, why did You have to leave me this way. Why couldn't You just say that You didn't want me around anymore. Why won't You fucking wake me up and make this all go away. i am so tired of living this reality. i want to wake up back to normal. i need to wake up back to normal. i can't do this much longer. i am ready to give up. i can do it soon too. TJ leaves in less than i week, and i can do it. i can finally give up. i can't be an extra. i can't hold on much longer. i can't see tomorrow anymore. i can't wait much longer to wake up. i am ready. i really am ready. i am ready to wake up, or go to sleep forever. Just tell me where You are and wake me up and let this all go away. i need You and i want You and i have to wake up. i can't do this anymore. Please wake me up. Please. i just want to wake up. Please. Please Master, please wake me up. Please, please, please. i'll beg. i'll plead. i'll do anything. just please. please. please just wake me up Master. Please.

Sun, 16 Apr 2006

Dear Master

i did a little ritual last night, and some visualization. While i wait for them to come to life, i have decided to be the best submissive to You as i can be. So, i am going to go back to the rules that You set out in January. i am going to follow those i can, and accept that things are up to You. i am going to be who i am (Your submissive) and be who You have always needed me to be.

Just as a reminder, these are the rules i will be following:

Rules (January 2006)
1.Smoking.
a. Wendy is to ask for smokes at all times, either verbally or with hand signals. At His discretion, Mike will allow or not. If Mike says “no”, Wendy is to wait 1/2hr before asking again.

2.Clothes.
a. At Mike’s place, Wendy is to be naked at all times, unless Mike specifically tells her differently. b. At Wendy’s, if TJ is out, and no one else is home, Wendy is to be naked, unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
c. At home, if TJ is in bed, and no one else is there, Wendy is to be naked, unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
d. Mike will try and pick items if He is around.

3.Furniture
a. At Mike’s place, Wendy is to sit on the floor unless told otherwise. She may request to sit or lie on bed, but it is at Mike’s discretion.
b. At Wendy’s, when TJ is up and we are all together, Wendy can sit at the table, in the computer chair, or on the floor by the couch.
c. At Wendy’s, when TJ is in bed, or out, Wendy is to sit on the floor unless given permission to do otherwise. She may request to sit on furniture, but it is at Mike’s discretion.

4.Computer Time a. Between 5:30am and 11:30pm, if Mike is present, Wendy is to request permission to use the computer.

5.Bed Time
a. Sunday – Thursday 11:30pm (if Monday is a holiday, Sunday’s curfew is 1:00am), unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
b. Friday and Saturday 1:00am unless Mike specifically tells her differently.

6.Emails
a. Daily emails are to be sent the morning (before noon) of the next day and are to include:

• i. Food intake
• ii. Blood sugars (4/day)
• iii. Activities done throughout the day
• iv. Any tasks Mike has given Wendy to complete
• v. How Wendy is feeling about the day, things in general, and any play that has happened

b. Weekly emails are to be sent before 11:00pm Sunday evening and is to include: i. A “To Do” list for the upcoming week.

7.Exercise
a. One day a week, Wendy is to walk the mall after dropping Erin off at school.

8.Schedule
a. Friday

• i. If Mike goes to Kingston, he will leave after work or at a time of his choosing, and will call Wendy when he gets to Kingston.
• ii. If Mike stays in Hamilton, He will sleep at Wendy’s Friday night. After discussion with Wendy, Mike will decide what activities will take place.

b. Saturday

• i. If Mike is in Kingston, Mike will try and call Wendy.
• ii. If in Hamilton, and after TJ leaves, Mike will decide what activities will take place.

c. Sunday

• i. If Mike goes to Kingston
• 1. Mike will return at a time of his choosing.
• 2. If Mike is early, he will see Wendy for the afternoon (sometimes supper time).
• 3. If Mike is later, he will go to his apartment and call Wendy.
• 4. In the evening, Mike can do as he pleases, but will not have company over to his place.
• ii. If Mike is in Hamilton
• 1. Mike will stay at Wendy’s until the afternoon (sometimes supper time).
• 2. In the evening, Mike can do as he pleases, but will not have company over to his place.

d. Monday

• i. If Wendy has someone to watch TJ, she is to go to Mike’s place for a “play date”. Upon Wendy’s arrival, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• ii. If Wendy does not have someone to watch TJ, Mike may or may not (depending on how tired he is) come up once TJ is in bed. Mike will decide what activities will take place and if he will be staying the night.

e. Tuesday

• i. Bowling / Munch night 1. D/s will take place while out. 2. Once home, Mike will decide if any activities will take place.

f. Wednesday

• i. Wendy is free to do, as she wants. Mike is free to do, as He wants.
• ii. If real life situations arise, this will change.

g. Thursday

• i. Mike will be at Wendy’s for supper.
• ii. If TJ goes to karate, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• iii. If TJ stays home, this time will be devoted to “family time”.
• iv. Once TJ is in bed, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• v. If Mike is going to Kingston for the weekend, he will sleep over.
• vi. If Mike is not going to Kingston, Mike will decide if he will sleep over.

So, those are the rules i am going to follow. i am also not going to say the "F" word. i am also going to see You without a bra. i am also going to ask to bath You. i am also going to dress right for bowling.

i am going to email You today and ask if i can start sending You emails again, and which email to send them too. i am not going to presume that it is ok to just do it. That would be more like topping from the bottom i am comfortable with. Hopefully You will say yes.

i am going to be the best submissive i can be for You, and maybe it will prove to You how much i love You and want to be Yours.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006

Mood: blue
Topic: How i feel

Dear Master,

i don't know if You read this anymore or not, but i need to say this out loud.

i want You to want me back. i want to submit to You. i want to give myself back to You. Just like i said the other night, i would do anything to make this possible. i would even submit to Sherry and You at the same time. i would even submit to Sherry. i would even appoligize to Sherry.

i know i screwed up in the relationship, and i know You are starting to realize that also. i am sorry for how i was. i am sorry for the high expectations i put on both of us. You say we should move forward, and i want that too. i just want to do it with You.

i know You want to play with others. That is not a new thing. i never ment to stop You. You would say to me that You wanted it to be both of us that played with new submissives. You would say You didn't want that. i would say for You to go out and play on Your own with them. i still feel that way. i want You to be who You are, i have always wanted that.

The past year has been so hard on us both. i want to get pasted it. i want to accept Sherry. i want You to accept me. i want to be back at Your feet. i need to be back at Your feet.

i hate feeling this needy. i hate feeling this broken. What i hate the worst of all is not being Yours. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and i took that for granted. i just want to be back where i belong, and i want You back where You belong. i need You back where You belong.

i know that You want that also. i see it in Your eyes whenever we are together. i hear it in Your voice whenever we are talking. i know the rules have to change. i know i will not like them all. i know alot of it has to do with You spending time elsewhere, but i can live with that. i will do whatever You want me to do.

Please Master, consider taking me back. i beg You Master, please

Sun, 9 Apr 2006

it will be 5 years ago this week that i took your collar. The one you offered to me. The one you promised would be forever. You have blocked me out of your life again. Your emails are no longer open to me. Your photos are no longer open to me. I shouldn't be suprised. i am not with you anymore, so i have no right to them. Yes you say i am your lover and that is the place in your life for me, but it isn't really being a part of your life. It is being there for you to fuck. It is being there for you to top when you want. It is being there for you to talk to when you want. It is being there for you to use my login for the spec. It is being there to be sad and alone on a Saturday night and a Sunday during a race. That is all it is. It means nothing. God i can't do this anymore. i can't keep crying over you. i can't keep hurting because of you. i saw that you are finally reading the Ethical Slut. You know, that book i gave you a year ago for you to read. A book i thought would be good for you to read to help us. A year ago. And now, now that we are not together, you are finally getting down to reading it. More proof that i'm not worth anything. Not even worth the time to read a fucking book for. How many more ways will you continue to prove just how worthless i really am, and how worthless our relationship was to you?

Fri, 10 Mar 2006

i don't know how to explain to you how the special cane being used on you, after only 2 weeks of our breaking up, really hurt me. All i can do is link it to something else. Something that you might be able to relate to. i mean, how would you feel if i asked for the lock back. How would you feel if i decided to wear it "just because". How would you feel if i wanted to wear it whenever i played. How would you feel, if something that special, was used for a purpose other than what it was ment for. What we had said it was ment for. That is how i feel about the special cane. You had said it was for me. Only for me. You showed that to me, but never letting anyone else use it. You showed that to me but never using it on someone else. Then you had someone else use it. You allowed it to be used on someone else. It felt like the specialness of it didn't matter to you. That was how i felt betrayed. Not that you played, but that you used something that was just us. Something that was a representation of us. That was what hurt so much. This is why i want to split up our stuff really soon. So this never happens again. i know some of what i want. Stuff that means something special to me. i don't want everything. This isn't about what i don't want used on someone else, or stuff i don't want on you, but about stuff that i find special. Stuff that meant "us" to me.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006

i can't say i am not disappointed. Still no sex, not since the 2nd. i know You were tired and i didn't feel that good, but yeah, i did feel let down. No play on Tuesday, no play last night. Yes we played on Monday, but only because i made myself come down to Your place to see You. If i hadn't, then there would have been nothing for the week. Yes i feel like i am doing all the work again. i email every day, i ask for smokes, i ask for the bathroom, i asked to come to bed last night. Please understand that this is just how i feel. i do get how tired You were, just like You were tired on Tuesday. i do get that if we play, it is up to You. Just please understand that the build-up (talk about playing while TJ was out, and then talk about playing once TJ went to bed), and the let-down (talk about what You had wanted to do to me) sucks.

Mon, 6 Feb 2006

Thank You for tonight. Thank You for listening to my fears. Thank You for saying sorry for what You said on Friday. Thank You for letting me be playful. Thank You for pushing me. Thank You for stopping when You could see i really was distressed. i don't understand why the tying up of my hands and the thought of tickling or licking bothers me. It just does. It is this sudden onset of utter terror, panic and fear. It is an automatic fight and get away thing rushing threw my head. i just thought this was stuff You needed to know. i am also wondering what, if not anger, it was You felt last night. You pulled away a bit after i asked You to get off me, and untied my hands. i guess i am still scared that my reactions will push You away. With You not telling me what You were feeling, i felt like i did something wrong by my reacting. That was why i said sorry. Tonight wasn't a test. i really was distressed and tried hard not to react like i normally do. Thank You for the pain play. i still say i have a small ass.

Sat, 4 Feb 2006

i just don't get why we can't try it my way this time

i just don't get why it has to be your way

i just don't get how you can say i am important and worth fighting for, but you can't give me a compromise

i just don't get what the difference will be in two months, when i am already unhappy, to trying it your way

i just don't get why you can't see the hope i see by trying it my way for once

i just don't get how you could tell me that Sherry wouldn't get between you and me, but obviously she is

i just don't get how i can be worth so little to you that you don't even want to work on what it is we have

i just don't get why you think you can get it your way, without me burying who i am

i just don't get how you saying "no i don't think we should work on out issues" is you saying we should work on our issues

i just don't get how this could be my last entry to you

i just don't get how little i mean to you i just don't get why you can't do this for me after all i have done for you

i just don't get how i can say "2 months" and you hear "forever"

i just don't get why my feelings and fears aren't important enough to deal with

i just don't get how my supporting you, and you hurting me gets me punished again

i just don't get why you don't want this relationship to work

Tue, 24 Jan 2006

i am unlocking a couple of posts i have done in the last few days. One, before i knew some of what was happening, one after. By the way, i know some more lies.

Sun, 22 Jan 2006

i am suddenly very cold inside. i am past the point of caring, i think. i keep reading entries and email we have made over the last few years, and keep coming up with the same issues as never being resolved for more than a few weeks, and then things going down hill again. Issues we still have - communication (me doing all the talking about how i feel and getting nothing back from You. You keeping secrets) - me feeling insecure - play not changing - You wanting to explore Your submissive side, without consideration on to how it makes me feel, since it isn't a problem in Your head. - feeling like You don't respect me - not playing often (or at all) in private - secrets i am just so very cold inside right now. i am at the point of not caring what happens. i don't care if You still want to be with me. i don't care if You are mad at me. i don't care if You say You want me. i don't care if You say You need me. i don't care that You hurt me again. Heck, i don't even care enough to make You hurt like i am hurting. It is like i am done. It is like i have nothing else to give and i can't keep going in these circles. It is like there is no future in this because we can't get passed all the same old crap. It is like i have nothing left to give to You. i feel so calm about this right now. Maybe it really is over.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006

i don't know how to say anything to you anymore. Anytime i say something, you get defensive and close into yourself. So how do i say that i feel like i have done all the effort and have accepted you and what you need, yet you haven't helped me grow like i have helped you? So how do i say that i feel like i am being restrained and held back while i watch you out doing stuff? So how do i say that i want to do more, to try more, to be more, without you feeling like i am critisizing you? So how do i say that the reason i am so scared is because i have no confidence in being able to be me because each time i am me, i am pushed away? Yes you have accepted little Elizabeth, but that has only been in the last few months. Yes you buy stuff that you know i want to explore with, but nothing happens with them. Yes you and i play, but usually only infront of others. You wrote that you don't want to have sex, that you have no desire. Great. So i don't do anything for you anymore. Great way to build my confidence. i feel like i have to do some kind of magic, like you did, for you to even begin to try to accept me, to try to do new things, to just try to be nice to me. In the last month, you have told me my feet are like leather, you have told me you can't sleep beside me because my breath stinks, you have told me how much i disturb you with my snoring. Even tonight, i had to initiate not wanting to think. You didn't consider i might need it. i had to ask for it. Wow, how submissive of me. i have been following the rules, and i have been doing my job. You suddenly think everything is alright between us because i haven't said anything. You think everything is good because we played once. You think everything is good because i am following the rules, and you don't need to think about punishing me. Well, i am not alright. i feel like you don't desire me. i feel like i am the only one that is working on this. i feel like if i say anything, i am wrong. i feel like i am a small, insignificant thing that you keep around to boost your ego. i feel like you don't care that my confidence is the shits. i feel like you don't care if i grow as a submissive. i feel like i can only find growth from others. i feel like you would prefer i find growth with others so you don't have to bother. i feel like i don't matter. i feel like i have helped you find who you are, and you get to enjoy that, and i get to sit back and wait for nothing to happen until i complain. This isn't anything new. i have said all this over and over and over and yet it never changes. i love you. i want to be with you. i want to grow with you. i don't want to keep waisting away and crawling into myself more and more and more. And i know that once you read this, things will change for a few weeks, and then it will all be the same, because we won't talk it out, and you will crawl into yourself, and i will feel like shit, because i can't just sit back and let it all happen and be so unhappy. i've decided to make this private. Not even you will be able to see it. If you were to read it, you would get defensive and angry, and the entire cycle would happen again. i just can't deal with that. So i am burying it all again.

Mon, 9 Jan 2006

i am having a really hard time right now. i am on the brink of tears. i want to crawl-up into a ball and cry. i tried to call. You didn't answer Your cell. You haven't called me back. i feel really really bad right now. TJ is due home soon. i don't want to be a mom. i want to be tucked into bed, in Your arms, and hide. i checked my sugars. i am fine. Not as high as i have been lately, but still high. That doesn't make me feel better. Even the clonazepam isn't helping. Why haven't You called back????? Now You won't call. Now it is after 3:30, and You won't call. Damn it

Thu, 29 Dec 2005

i was going to write this last night, but it got late and i needed to go back to bed.

i just wanted to say thank You. Thank You for realizing what mood i was in on Tuesday. Thank You for treating me like a little girl and not a slave/submissive.

Just thank You, thank You, thank You. i know i will see You tonight, as it is Thursday and You will be heading out tomorrow after work. i am going to really miss You.

Please take lots of pictures of Ethan. i want to see how much he has grown.