Getting frustrated with the human race

i sit here and read other people's journals/blogs/diaries, and i am getting frustrated.  i read stuff from acquaintances.  Read how they perceive things in others and all i want to do is scream "what you hate the most in others is what you hate the most about you!". 

One example.  Someone i am acquainted to has decided that she doesn't like how someone keeps changing plans on her.  How she doesn't like how someone makes a commitment to something, and then just changes their mind, without telling her, and how it is like they are letting down society.  That they don't see how their actions affect other people.  How they are selfish in their desire to do what ever it is they want, without consulting her.  This is the pot calling the kettle black.  She does the exact same thing all the time.  Like the time she decided it would be ok to just rest her boob on someone's head, without asking and without thinking how it might make the other person (or even those around him) feel.  This is the same woman who makes commitments to be places, but then changes her mind, and doesn't even let anyone know.  This is the same woman that took it upon herself to do "what she thought was right" with some of Mike's things, but didn't think how it would affect me or my son.  Hellooooo! Maybe if she were to stop doing the exact same thing, others around her might follow by example.  But then again, that would mean she would have to look past her own nose and see how her actions affect others.  Arrrrg!

Then there is the thing i have been keeping all bottled up inside for a very long time.  See i have a friend (and i do consider her a friend, as she and i have been friends for a long time and i feel able to confide in her) that tends to only call when she needs something.  Calls on the day of a munch to see if she can get a ride.  Calls to see how i am doing to then ask if i can driver her someplace.  Calls to talk about how rough it is going to be to take her kids to the doctor or something so that i can volunteer to drive.  Calls for her son's reports to be printed yet never volunteers to pay for new ink for me.  Drives are always free for her.  i have yet to be given gas money.  Calls about how frustrated she is that someone hasn't removed stuff from her house that belongs to them, yet has stuff here since October, and has yet to pick it up, and expects me to bring it to her. 

Most of the time i feel taken advantage of.  i know i can be nice, and i know i have it in me to do stuff for people because i want them to like me, but i am getting sick of it.  i am getting sick of not putting value to my time or energy with her, and her taking advantage of the fact that i am yet able to do it consistently.  

So, in my oh so passive aggressive way, i have stopped contacting her.  i have stopped calling "just because".  i have avoided talking to her, in the hopes that she will find value in my friendship and in what i can give her, and in what she gives me.  i don't think it is working.  Instead it has become about how no one likes her, and how no one calls her, and how she is worried everyone is mad at her. 

And the attitude isn't just affecting me, but other friends of mine.  i am fighting the urge to "fix it all" by having a get-together with all involved in the hopes that everyone can reconnect and feel at ease again.  i just know it isn't my job, and i am not going to let myself get sucked in to that kind of feeling.  It is not for me fix it.  It is not all my fault.  So, i just wait.  Wait for her to call me or any of our other friends.  Wait for her to decide she is worthy of calling others and asking for help, but not counting on me/us to bail her out and let her off the hook. 

i am just getting so frustrated, and don't know how to deal with it.

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A Knew way of saying things

i did go to school and to therapy yesterday.  i also went to the doctor's to fix some paperwork issues.  It was a busy day.

At school i learned that as of next week, i can start booking volunteer clients for my reflexology course.  That means that as of Dec 1st at 12:00 pm (or there about) i can start getting real people's medical history, set up charts for them, colour and fill in foot charts, and make observations.  It is so cool.  i get to act like a real reflexologist but not charge any money.  i am not even allowed to ask for payment, but can suggest donations.  i am feeling really proud of what i have done with the course, and where i can go with it.  This is going to be an exciting time for me. 

In therapy, i learned that i was no longer saying "have to" but saying "choose to".  It is like that promise i made to myself over a week ago is working.  That by giving myself permission to let the unimportant things go, i am choosing to work more on myself.  i am choosing when and with who i go get groceries.  i am choosing when, and for how long, i sometimes need to take "me time".  i am choosing that i get up early in the morning so the MIT and i have some quiet cuddle time before the rush of the morning happens.  i am choosing to give my self and my time value (ie cleaning L & D's place for pay).  i am choosing more than thinking about having to do stuff.  It felt nice coming to that realization. 

i also found out that i have a couple labels.  i am an avoider (6/7).  That was a "well duh" moment.  i am clinically depressed.  Another "well duh" moment.  i have obsessive compulsive traits.  i have borderline personality disorder traits. At first the labels scared me, but not so much anymore.  So what.  They are just labels to tell the professionals what sorts of things i need to work on.

Back to the "choosing to" though.  i have yet to choose to let myself have enough time grieving.  i still seem to expect to be over it.  i mean, come one, it has been over six months.  i shouldn't be brought to tears over seeing Christmas stuff all over.  i shouldn't be brought to tears when i see something i should be getting Mike for Christmas.  i should be crying when i see something cool Mike would have gotten for the MIT.  i should be getting on with my life.  Then i take a look around me and see that i am.  i am going to school.  i have found something i am interested in and following the dream in that.  i am getting on with life, and i am still allowed to grieve.  i have lots of steps to go through, and lots of emotions to encounter still, but i am facing this stuff instead of just burying my head in the sand and pretending everything is ok.

There is other news, and i think i will make that a post all its own.  It deserves a full post on it, and what is going on. 

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2 more left

After today's class, i only have 2 left.  That is right, only 2 left.  Then i get to start booking volunteer clients.  i have to do a full treatment on 70 people before i get my certificate.  Well, i also have a practical test and a written test to complete, but i don't think it will take me too long.  i am going to hit up everyone, and book appointments when ever i can.  Especially when the MIT is busy with the nurse or karate or at my parents. 

What i could really use is a recliner (LaFuma).  It is a nice chair for the clients to sit in, and portable.  That way i can do clients at their own homes, or here at my house.  i have a spot in my bedroom that it would fit, where i could hold sessions quietly, and provide a relaxing atmosphere.  i have all my other supplies.  Pillow, photo copies of charts, witch hazel, towels, files.  All the things i need, except the expensive recliner.  i am really excited about this.  i am also positive that i will keep this up and not just brush my new knowledge away.  Reflexology is something i can see myself doing for as long as my hands let me.  i find great joy in doing it, and i find it relaxing myself. 

i am also pretty proud of the fact that i have stuck it through.  i have had to get myself up and dressed and to class without anyone else taking me.  i have kept up on my homework.  i have practiced the foot procedure when i could.  i have asked lots of questions, and have tried to act professional at all times during class, even when i didn't want to.  i have only missed one class because of hurting my back.  The other missed class was a cancellation by the teacher.  i have stuck it out, no matter how down or depressed i have been.  i have a lot to be proud of for this.

i am writing this because today, i do not feel motivated to go to class.  i feel like crawling back into bed and going back to sleep.  i think the desire to avoid class today is mainly because Friday also means therapy day, and i never look forward to it.  i know it is good for me, but i hate how i feel afterwards.  my family doctor asked if it was helping.  Not yet.  i don't see any differences in me yet.  i don't feel any different about all the shit that goes on in my life yet.  i am even at the point of wondering if it will ever help.  Even still, i will keep going.  i have to.  i know that i can't move forward without it.  i know that eventually it will be helpful.  Well, i think so. 

Ok, time to bug the MIT to finish getting ready.  Then onto getting myself ready for the day.  BLAHHHHH! (btw, i want it to snow)

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i need baby steps

So i did go to the munch last night.  my Sister drove me.  She was kinda freaked out about going, but did really well.  i on the other hand, had a rough time and was glad i had to be home by 10. 

i felt freezed out.  Here i was, trying to be the Org rep and all people either just walked by me without saying anything, or said hi and walked away.  i made an effort to go over to everyone (yes even those that have been going to the munch  forever) and saying hi, and asking how they had been, and, of course, hounded them about the cookie swap next month.  i even made a point of saying hello to A & L's friend LJ.  Now that was fun.  The look on her face when i actually spoke to her.  (laugh) i guess i can be evil at times.  There were only 2 new people.  One who found a group he knew.  The other had apparently been there last month and had been a little obnoxious about asking women lots of questions.  i was asked about 4 times where the name tags were.  my response was that i had actually made it to the munch and that was enough for now.  i was also (in a joking manor) told it was my fault newbees felt less welcome.  They were referring to a post i made on a mailing list.  It was difficult keeping up the "happy, glad to meet you, everything is great" persona.

At one point i actually looked to see where Mike was, so i could go up to Him and have Him hug me and tell me i was doing a good job.  That was a weird feeling.  The need to have Him there was really overwhelming.  The need to feel His hand in my hair, pulling it back, felt like such a desperate need.  i started crying at the table my Sister and i were occupying.  i ended up going out for a smoke.  The bartender came out while i was having my smoke and asked what was wrong.  He remembered Mike as being the one usually there first and that He always ordered rum and coke (white rum at that).  No one had told him about Mike.  i did the telling again. 

So i survived this giant step out into the public scene again, where i was to be social.  my Sister says i did a good job and no one could have noticed how on edge i was.  i don't like giant steps.  i need to take smaller, baby steps.  At least i went.

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Just Great

So, turns out E can't make it tonight to the munch because her Grandfather died.  i met him once.  i liked him.  He had a great sense of humour.  i know E will miss him alot.  i told her to ask P to be with her tonight.  She isn't feeling like it, because it means she is asking for help.  i hope He does offer, and i hope even more that she will take Him up on it.  She needs Him tonight.  i know she needs the support, and i know she needs to be home tonight.   i'm just feeling selfish right now. 

This is going to be the first Toronto Munch i have made it too in a long time.  In previous months, since Mike's death, i have always gone with others.  This time, it may be just me. i am getting anxious about it.  i am getting worried i can't do it.  i am feeling like i have to put on this great face and hope i can keep the persona up until it is time for me to leave.  i want P to be there for E, but i also would like someone there for me.  So now i am going to HAVE to ask for help.  i just don't know who to ask.  Maybe my Sister. 

Ok, my Sister is coming with me.  This should be fun.  Maybe now E will feel more comfortable asking P to come down and be with her and the kids.  i have posted my pic on the list for people to know what i look like.  E is going to be posting an email so that people know to come to me with questions or to drop off donations for her project.  And i am feeling more confident about going because my Sister will be with me and will protect me. 

Now to figure out what to wear, do the dishes, have the MIT come home, get the MIT ready to go out, and shower and dress before going out.  i can do this.

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Gods are laughing

Friday night the MIT and i headed out to Toronto to spend the night at L & D's place.  The MIT had sworn He wouldn't have any fun at all.  That He wouldn't talk to anyone.  That we would go and that He was going to be rude and hate everything.  Well, as soon as we walked in the door, He was giving D a hug, and L a hug, and was chattering with the girls.  i knew that would happen, but it is still nice to see.  Once the kids were in bed, L, D and i had some nice adult conversation and headed to be our selves.  Saturday was going to be busy.

Saturday my back still hurt a bit, but i survived.  We all got up pretty early.  L made the kids (all 5 of us) pancakes, and Herself some eggbeaters. 

It was about this time i heard the Gods laugh.  D noticed M was scratching at her eye.  She was rubbing it raw.  He looked and saw a black fleck in her eye.  Off she and L went to wash they eye out, but the black fleck stayed in.  The grownups had a meeting in the office (we were smoking and trying to figure out what we would all do).  Talk about cancelling our plans and having to take M to a doctor of some sort was the only answer we could come up with.  i would stay at the house with the MIT and S, and L, D, and M would head to the hospital or walk-in clinic to get the fleck out.  L & D decided to give it one more try, and they got the fleck out!  No need to change plans.  We would all be heading to the science center together!  Well, once the adults got our butts in gear. 

The MIT and i had a great time.  It took the MIT a while to get into the swing of the place, but once He figured out He would like it there, all things were good.  i got a picture of Him lifting a car.  He has a picture of His face on the Incredible Hulk's body.  i got some geodes from the gift shop.  i got some pictures of M & S doing different things.  It was a good day.  The Marvel special thingy wasn't all that great.  It seemed like repeats of stuff in other sections of the science center.  At least i am now able to say i am a mutant.  i was tested and that was the result.  hehehehe.

The MIT and i had to drive home that night.  The MIT is taking confirmation classes (Anglican, not Catholic) and my Mom wanted Him to be at her place overnight.  It felt like a let down to me, leaving so abruptly.  It would have been nice to have stayed and spent more time.  Especially once the kids were in bed.  More adult talk is needed sometimes. 

Sunday was an easy day.  It was the final race of the Nascar season.  Mike's driver won the championship.  The whole race i could picture the way it was last year.  How we sat on the couch and cuddled, and played a bit while we watched the point standings rise and fall.  i could almost hear Him cheering when His driver won.  i didn't get sad though.  i thought i would have, but i didn't.  i watched the race, cursing at Him every once in a while about how His driver was winning.  i actually enjoyed it. 

Yesterday was hell.  my Mom decided there was a lot i needed to get done.  She dragged me all over the place, and didn't listen when i said that i was done.  That i was past the point of being out around people.  Sure i got lots of stuff done, but at what expense?  i felt like i had been plowed over by a transport.  The physical manifestations of my panic attacks are getting worse.  i had little time to pull myself together before the MIT came home.  i ended up not cooking again last night.  i did pull it together enough to take the MIT with me to the reserve for smokes.  At least i could do that.  Oh, and i didn't kill my Mother.  Although the thought did cross my mind.

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OUCH!!!!

i am staying home from school and therapy today.  i have to.  i need to be better for tomorrow.  Instead of going, i am taking hot showers, borrowing my Sister's heating pad, and taking muscle relaxants.  See, i fell down the stairs while cleaning at L's place yesterday.  Plus, i then continued to clean as much as i possibly could.  i even dragged the vacuum up and down the stairs, and wet-jetted the downstairs.  Not very good for an injured back. 

Other than that, i have something to be proud of finally.  i actually asked L, since i had been cleaning Her place for 3 weeks, if She wished for me to continue.  i did this because, when i had presented Her with the idea, that we would give it 3 weeks to see if we were both happy with the arrangement.  i followed through on that and actually asked outright if she wished for me to continue.  i did not wait for Her to say anything, i did not wait until Wednesday to call and ask if She needed me the next day.  i acted like a grown-up and asked if She was happy.  She said YES!!!!!!  She also asked me if i was happy.  Of course i am.  i get money every week that i can use to keep me afloat.  i have a purpose, other than being a mom, once a week.  i need to keep doing this.  i am just glad She wants me to keep going.

For asking, i am proud of myself. 

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Needing to feel in control

i am hoping today will help center me.  i know, most people wouldn't find cleaning a way to feel centered, but for me, especially when it isn't my house, does exactly that.  It is like i leave my life for a while, and get to escape all the bombardment of stuff that just seems to keep piling up on me.  It is a way to just be someone who cleans and a way to get out of this house and enter someone else's life.  i also get to ignore my life for a while. 

i am also finding it hard to find things i am proud of this week.  i know it isn't Sunday, and that is when i actually do the review of the week, but with the week i have had, i am finding it difficult.  i feel like i can't complete anything.  Yes i start stuff, but never get it finished.  The sewing, the dishes, the laundry, homework, housework, meals, decorating.  i have yet to complete any of these things.  i have started each one but can't find a center force to keep at just one. 

OK, this is getting pretty dreary.  This week has felt dreary.  On to some good things to look forward to.  Saturday is going to the Science Center with L, D, M, S, and the MIT.  That will be fun.  Tuesday will be going to the DSSG Toronto Munch.  Next Saturday is going to Samco with L and D.  The Saturday after that is probably going to Endorphins with L and D.  i have only 4 more classes before finishing the course portion of becoming a certified reflexologist.  (evil laugh....my Mom was wrong....i was able to go to every class, and i was able to stick to it, and i was able to do it)

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Invasion

i have people coming in and out of my house.  Yes my bathroom sink is getting fixed, and yes i am happy about that, but i feel like the house is being invaded.  i have been like this since the first person arrived, and can't seem to settle.  i tried to work on a sewing problem and broke a needle (when doing a zigzag stitch, don't use the foot on the machine that only has a hole and not a slot), i am now also out of the colour of thread i was using and have only a quarter of the one project done (this of course means going out to get thread at some point).  i started to put up my winter decorations (window clings), since i find November to be a dreary month of no decorations (i don't decorate for Christmas until December 1st).  i can't get the clings to stick so that means i have to wash my windows, and i have no paper towels (again going out to get some).  i thought of doing laundry but no detergent in the house (again with the going out). 

i want to feel settled.  At least i have eaten properly, and have check my blood sugars, and even have planned what i am making myself for dinner.  i may even end up baking sometime today.  i bought the cheating dough last night.  The pre-made sugar cookie dough and the pre-made gingerbread dough.  Then again, going out to pickup the things i need may take more out of me than i plan.  i guess i will just have to wait and see.

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One of those people

i have become a type of person i hate.  i have become a complainer that doesn't fix the problem.  i hate people like that.  i hate listening to people that complain and complain about the same thing all the time, and do absolutely nothing to fix it.  i have become one of those people that i hate. 

i find myself complaining about one certain thing.  About being taken advantaged of by people i would normally call friends.  i haven't confronted these friends.  i have just let it slide.  i have also added to the "letting" them take advantage of me, by agreeing to do just one more thing.  i am not giving myself worth by letting this continue.  i am not giving myself a voice by not saying anything.  But i have a great excuse.

See, i was taught to pick my battles.  Right now my battles are to be able to wake-up and be productive every morning, to not take my frustrations out on the MIT, to go grocery shopping on my own, plus being in control of what i eat, when i eat, checking my blood sugars, and taking my medication when i should, and keeping up with the housework i should be doing, and finishing and graduating from my Reflexology course.  These battles are very important to me.  i have even been making progress on them.

 The course is going well, and i will get to start actually working on real volunteer clients, along with being done the book work on the 8th of December.  The final written test will be held in January, as will my final practicle test.  i had been all stressed out over the review class we had yesterday, but i did good.  i have some reading to do, and some memorizing to get done, but overall, i am confident. 

i have yet to go get groceries by myself.  Last night was easier because my Sister met me at the store and walked around it with me.  This weekend was good because i was with L and her girls.  Yes i felt a little overwhelmed once we were done, but nothing like i usually am if i go alone.  Small baby steps, but steps that are working.

my diabetes stuff is going...well....ok.  i have good days and bad days.  i have found that added stress makes me eat more.  i have found that if i skip a mean i eat more.  i have found that not including a fruit or veggie makes me not feel as good.  All things i already know, but am relearning, and trying to keep an eye on.  Mainly my problem is eating dinner WHEN i am supposed to, and not when i feel like it.  Eating at 4 or eating at 7 are not condusive to being able to keep on track.  This i must buckle down on.

i think i have done well with getting up every morning.  What is difficult is being productive once the MIT leaves for school.  This is when i have to fight my body's urge to go back to sleep.  Sometimes i do what my body and brain needs, and that is to hide.  Other times, i fight threw it and get stuff done.  i have to.  If i don't, i feel more out of control, which screws up my ability to be a good mom to the MIT 

These are battles i am fighting, and fighting hard.  These are all battles worth fighting.  The feeling taken advantage of, i own some of the responsibility in that.  i keep saying "yes" to things when i know i shouldn't, and i keep letting things slide when i shouldn't.  i also know that if i really want it to stop, i need to find my voice enough to say "stop", but it is not something i am really ready to do.  Instead, i am choosing to be one of those people i hate.  i will live with that. 

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The badness has moved on

i thought i had it all figured out for tomorrow.  Tomorrow i would take my make-up review class, then take the van in to be repaired.  Well, that all came to an end once the MIT decided to try to sit on the bathroom sink.

Yes, you read right.  The MIT sat on the bathroom sink and it fell.  Busted the pipe that feeds hot water to the sink, and the drainage pipe.  The sink is in one piece, but still.  Anyways, now i have to either stay home, or find someone to babysit my house, and wait for the plumber.  They can't come tonight.  They have to come tomorrow.  Tomorrow, when i am supposed to be out of the house from 9:30am until god knows when. 

i can't believe i am now needing medication just because of a stupid sink. 

6:30 am update : so my Mom is coming this morning so i can actually go to school for the review class, and if the plumber doesn't come while she is here, i have to wait to take in the van.  At least i get to go to class, and i wasn't the one that talked to Mom about it.  my Sister did, so it ended up being Mom's idea and i can't be yelled at about it like i did earlier when i called her for help.

8:30 am Update: so the super just called and said that the landlord does not want to use the plumber, but a different company, so no one is coming today, and it will get fixed tomorrow between 9am - 5pm.  This means i am back to being able to go to class, and go take the van in.  Yeah for that.  Now to just cancel everything i had planned for tomorrow.

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Promises to myself

i have decided that each week i will make promises to myself.  Kind of like giving myself permission to do things, and to grieve as i need.  Here is my list for this week

• i promise to feel what i need to feel, when i need to feel it


• i promise to only do what i am capable to do, and not push myself past that


• i promise to find pride in little achivements


• i promise to not worry over the little things, and just enjoy life


• i promise to keep eating healthy and keep taking my meds

Those are good promises

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What i find sensual

(Idea stolen from a Friend)

A confident woman in a crisp white suit
A woman in a corset
Dressing a woman in a corset
A fist in my hair, pulling my head back
Being french kissed
Massaging someone's feet
Watching
A confident man in a well fitted suit and tie
Biker boots
A bald head
Someone looking down at me
A voice whispering in my ear
Feeling uncomfortable under someone's approving gaze
Eyes
The smell of leather
The feel of skin on skin
The feel of something on my wrists
The idea of getting something pierced
Tattoos
A standing out in a summer rain storm
Being made to blush
Wearing stockings
The smell of the forest in the fall
Walking in crunchy leaves
Sweat dripping down a nose

Well, that is all i can't think of right now. Maybe i will come up with more later.

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Productivity

Yesterday was a very productive day.  i cleaned house for a special family.  i looked after 2 wonderful girls for 2 hours.  i packed and ate a nutritious lunch.  It was great.  i also learned a lesson.  On Thursdays i need to also pack a light dinner or else i will get home over hungry and eat everything i can find.  Other than that, not a problem in the world. 

i like feeling productive.  i like being able to get stuff done and do it in a way i am proud of it and see a finished product.  Here, when i clean, i just see the MIT messing it up as soon as i do it.  That feels like such a downer.  There, i don't have to see the mess start as soon as people walk in the house.  There i also know that the cleaning is appreciated.  Here, well, it doesn't really matter to the MIT.  He doesn't care if He lives in a mess.  He isn't so appreciative. 

Today is school and therapy.  School i am not looking forward to.  Not today anyways.  i want to run the whole foot procedure that we have learned to date.  Not just the warm-up and then the new techniques.  It just doesn't flow right, and i need to feel the flow to know i am doing it well.  Maybe i will ask some people if i can practice on them this weekend.  That might help. 

On top of that, we are doing a review on Monday.  Reviewing of all the book stuff.  i don't feel i have a grasp on it all.  i feel like i have been skating threw each chapter.  i don't think i have retained any of what i have read.  i guess all i can do is re-read all the chapters and try to hammer it into my head.  We'll see how it goes.

Therapy is not something i ever look forward to.  There always seems to be one more thing i need to learn, get past, work on, without looking at how i have been doing with the last set of assignments.  Again, it feels like i can't grasp it all together.  i can get one set of things (plan something good after therapy), and add another (asking for help from people), but can't put the two things together. 

All in all, i guess i am feeling like i am floundering.  Like i am trying to keep my head above water but keep getting dragged down at every turn.  At least i have little things that i am proud of this week. 

i am proud of being able to find and get the watch i wanted/needed.  i am proud of being able to eat somewhat healthy and take my meds when i am supposed to.  i am proud i am checking my blood sugars more frequently.  i am proud i lost a pound.  i am proud i cleaned my house.  i am proud i knew when i was passed my limit of dealing with things and went home without pushing myself into an anxiety attack.  i am proud of making a plan each day, and proud that i can follow most of it.  i am proud of waking up each morning.  i am proud of keeping up with the laundry.  i am proud that my kitchen isn't being run over by dishes.  i am proud i got all my garbage and recycling out yesterday.  i am proud i haven't snapped at the MIT as often lately.  i am proud of working for money at something that makes me feel good.  i am proud i haven't stopped going to therapy. 

i guess things aren't all that bad.

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A better day

i guess i needed yesterday to be a nothing, sucky day, for today to work out so nicely. 

Yesterday, i thought my doctor's appointment was at 2.  Turned out, it was at 10, and i missed it.  i did still weigh myself, but felt totally stupid.  i got the time wrong by 4 hours.  i have now booked 2 appointments.  One on the 20th, and one on the 4th.  Both are about 11:00.  No way am i going to be late for either of them.  i have written them down all over the place. 

Yesterday i also thought i was ready to get groceries on my own.  i didn't do it in the morning.  i did it when my sister came to watch the MIT.  i did get all the groceries, but came home feeling like i had been accosted by all the people in the store.  People kept bumping into me.  People were loud.  i just couldn't handle it.  i came home, shaking.  i survived i guess.  At least i had what i wanted for breakfast this morning because i did go. 

Today i have been very productive.  i even feel like i have a handle on things.  i vacuumed, i did the dishes, i put laundry away.  i tidied up my place.  i feel good about how i did today.  Tonight i am going to work on my homework for school.  School is on Friday, but i have a busy day tomorrow.  Tonight is the perfect night to work on my homework.

Well, the MIT should be home soon, so i should be going.  *grinning* This is me proud of myself again.

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Finding my limits

i made a list of stuff i wanted to get done today.  i had every intention of following that list.  i really did.  i even got a very important thing done off my list.  i went and got myself that watch. 

It is perfect.  It has 4 alarms (one for each meal/med time).  i got the strap i wanted and it was put on.  i am happy with it.  i am even wearing it now.  All the alarms are set.  i am very proud of myself for getting it.

What i didn't expect was it to take so much out of me.  Walking threw the mall was so hard.  i had my Mom drive me, and she helped me pick out my watch.  She also allowed me the freedom to look at the Christmas stuff or not.  She was great.  After that i was supposed to go and get groceries, and i just couldn't do it.  i felt totally exhausted and drained.  i was at the end of my rope, from just walking in the mall. 

i am proud that i got my watch, and proud that i knew when i was ready to go home.  i am proud i didn't push myself past the point of stress.  i am glad i didn't have to go home and collapse from feeling so out of it.  Sure i didn't get everything on my list done, but i am not snappy at the MIT.  i do not feel like my world is at an end again.  i do not feel totally out of control. 

i learned to listen to my body, heart, and head and not push myself too hard.  i learned what my limit of the day was.

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Goals

So, now that i have actually acknowledged the anger, i seem to be doing better.  i am also able to see what it is i need to do, to keep myself healthy and more in control.  Especially in control of those things i need to be in control of.  Here is my list

• i am checking my blood sugars each morning and logging it someplace.


• i am taking all my meds when it is time to (i am going to get a multiple alarm watch to help me with this) and logging it someplace.


• i am eating 3 meals each day, plus a snack, and logging it someplace.


• i am making a meals list to follow each week and logging it someplace.


• i am cooking more often, instead of ordering take-out and logging it someplace


• i am shopping for groceries once a week to get what is needed for that week.


• i am vacuuming and dusting my living room every morning once the MIT leaves.


• i am watering my plants every 2 days.


• i am keeping my table clean at all times.


• i am doing my dishes each afternoon, while waiting for the MIT to get home from school.


• i am focusing one night a week to concentrate on homework from my Reflexolgy class.


• i am asking my friends and family for help (to either go with me or just talk to me on the cell phone) with going out or with going shopping (especially when it is Christmas/Yule shopping) if i start to get anxious.


• i am participating more in the DSSG organization that i have been neglecting of late.


• i am finding something "interesting" in a group setting to do, to get me out of the house more often.


• i am going to start going to the dealing with grief support group.

i know these are all things i can do.  i also know that by doing all these things, i will feel better, and more in control.  Getting a handle on my blood sugars, will help my mood.  Making sure i make lists and stick to them will help me financially.  Keeping up with house work will help me feel less chaotic where i should be able to relax.  Focusing on my studies will help me feel like i can actually accomplish the course.  Asking people for help will help me to cope with situations i am not ready to do on my own.  Getting back to my "duties" with the DSSG group will help me feel a part of it again, and not just an "add-on" as i have been seeing myself.  Joining a group to do fun stuff (might even be a craft group or something like that) will help me develop new connections with more people.  Going to the support group will give me a safe place to cry and feel angry and deal with so much of how i am feeling, especially this time of year. 

i have a plan now.  Something i haven't had in a very long time.  Something i used to count on someone else to help me with, but know that i can do on my own.  It is a good plan, and some of which is already in place.  Fridays are taken up doing school and therapy.  Thursdays are taken up earning some extra cash cleaning, for a special family.  Tuesday nights will soon be taken up by the support group.  All great steps in the right direction.

Now to just find that watch.  It has to be cool looking, and it has to have at least 4 alarms on it.  The hunt will begin tomorrow!

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Meditation

i decided maybe i was feeling out of sorts since i haven't meditated in a very long while.  Like since before Mike died.  Since i was teaching Him how to meditate.  Since way back in April.  So, i thought, why not.  See the thing about meditation, is sometimes it can calm you, and sometimes (like today) it can help you better understand how you are feeling.  What did i feel?  Anger.  Dark and black and hurtful anger.

Angry because i am 36 and here i am having to start over yet again.  Angry because i should be having to feel so alone at being only 36.  Angry at not having Mike here anymore.  Angry that i am not feeling in control.  Angry that i have to feel so much right now.  Angry that i am feeling angry.  Angry that i have been advised to join a grief support group.  Angry that i can't figure out to do with myself.  Angry that i am the one that has to buy my pajamas.  Angry that i had Mike's name still on my Christmas lists.  Angry that He isn't here to help me.  Angry that i have to figure all this out myself. (ok, i know i don't have to do this all on my own, and that i am not alone, but sometimes it just feels that way)

i used to think anger was something i could work with.  i could use it to motivate me.  i could use it to help me feel more in control.  i could use it to gain control if i was feeling out of control.  Not right now i can't.  Right now it is overwhelming me.  It is causing doubt and pushing my control issues button.  It is enveloping me.  Well that is how i feel. 

So i am angry.  Now what?

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Feeling out of sorts

i am having a weird day.  i feel lost and can't concentrate on anything.  i see stuff around my house i should be doing, but can't find the sense to actually do it.  Plants that need watering.  Laundry that needs to be put away.  Vacuuming needing to be done.  Dusting that has been neglected for a while.  Odds and ends that are just lying around.  Then there is the paperwork that needs to be done.  i am feeling anxious but stuck.  i have the munchies but am not hungry, and have no desire to actually cook.  It is like so much around me is out of control, that i can't find my control. 

The Nascar race is about to start and i don't even feel like sitting and watching it.  i don't want to go out for a drive.  i don't want to go to the store for anything.  i have projects in my head, but no desire to even start them. 

Ok, so, how to get more in control of things.  Turn on the lights.  Get some feeling of daytime in here.  Make a list.  i am good with lists.  Figure out what is important to me to get done in the next 4 hours before the MIT comes home. 

i just want to feel in control again.  i just want some little part of my house to be clean and organized and feel like i can actually relax and not just avoid.  i have been avoiding this place too much.  i have been avoiding sleeping under my covers, in my bed for too long.  i have been avoiding cleaning for fear of what i might find.  i have been avoiding of the idea that i will be cleaning Him out of the house.   i have been avoiding how i feel so much, and i think it is catching up with me again.  i hate feeling like this.

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New assignment

i did go to therapy yesterday.  i walked in hyper and unsettled, and it never changed the entire time i was there.  i felt spastic.  i felt out of control.  i dug my finger nails into my hand.  i cried and begged for help.  i forgot that they are just there for me to help myself.

After asking over and over how i was to handle this "season" but getting the same answer, which was what did i think i should or could do, we came up with a couple of ideas

1) Never leave the house or vehicle again, except for things like appointment.  Not very practical or economical.  Yes i could use Grocery Gateway for food, or order in.  Yes i could stay in my van to actually get cash at drive thru tellers.  Yes i could only have my iPod playing when i was out of the house.  All options but like i said, not very practical or economical. 

2) Just fight my way through it.  Just block out how i have been feeling because it is weak of me to cry, and blubber, and not be able to do anything like go get groceries.  Just keep burying how i am feeling and deal with it on the other side.  Yeah, ok.  Like that is actually going to work.  Sure i could drink or self medicate myself all the way past the new year, but that would be no go for either the MIT or i.  Plus, why would i set myself up to fail like that

3) Ask for help.  Actually ask people i know that i know care for me to help me.  Ask people to go shopping with me, so that i am not doing it alone.  Ask people if i can just chat with them on the cell phone while i am shopping.  Ask people to drive me places.  Not just any people, but friends. 

So i chose option number 3.  And i hate it.  i feel so weak and vulnerable.  i feel like such a suck.  i feel like i should be "over it" and be able to do what needs to be done.  i could hear E's voice in my head while discussing this option.  "Would you think I was weak if i asked for help?"  "Would you think less of me it I was crying?".  i get that i hold myself to a higher standard than i expect for anyone else.  i get that i think i should be the one that is always there for others, and that i am strong.  i am finding i am not as strong as i think i need to be.  This is so hard for me.  i feel like i should be stronger and more able to handle it all.  Why can't i just be the one that others ask for help? 

So i asked for help.  i asked my Mom if she would be available to sometimes take me to go shopping so i wouldn't have to drive and didn't have to be alone sometimes.  i called and asked E if she would be ok with me asking her for help, and if she thought any less of me for doing so.  i talked to L and man, did i get an earful. 

She gave me a different way of looking at asking for help.  She said that maybe i would be making others happy by asking and letting them help me.  That i could be providing them a service by letting them help me.  That by asking friends for help, i was doing it for them, and not for myself. 

i'd like to say i could accept that other way of thinking, but then i am not allowing myself to help myself.  i am making it about others (which i could easily wrap my head around) and not myself, and actually avoid the idea that i am human and actually can have weak moments and actually require assistance from others.  This is something i do have to learn.  This is something i do have to embrace about myself.  It is going to be hard and i am not going to always like it, and i know i am going to learn this kicking and screaming.  i also know that it will not kill me to do this.  Heck, it might actually help me.

Ok, yes it will help me.  Crying doesn't make me weak.  Grieving 6 months after Mike's death is not to long.  Being human isn't a bad thing.  Letting myself feel things isn't a bad thing. 

(yes this is me trying to convince myself)

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A little update

So, what is new with me....

i have an under the table job.  i presented a plan to a wonderful woman that would benefit both of us (plus some others in Her life), and i am now cleaning Her house once a week for actual money.  i was (and still am) so proud of myself.  i thought about it, laid out a plan, and presented it to Her.  i even said about getting paid, and presented Her with my rate.  i didn't just plain volunteer.  i didn't say i would do it for free.  i gave value to my time, and value to my abilities, and in so doing, gave myself something else to be proud of.  i started last week, and due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, had today off.  Two big changes in my life in the last 2 months.  (this is me beaming)

Halloween worked out in a weird way.  i didn't end up spending it alone, which is good. i spent it with friends.  Friends that needed me around just as much as i needed them around.  It all worked out well.  i helped out, i got smudged, i watched kids enjoy the night, and i buried an apple for Mike.  i feel good about how i celebrated Halloween.

Yesterday i went grocery shopping, and went down the deal isle.  No deals there, just lots of Christmas stuff.  i kinda freaked out, crying in the middle of the store.  i am not looking forward to this next 2 months.  Hell, i am hardly looking forward to tomorrow.  Christmas is going to be hard.  It already is.  Just seeing the decorations bothers me.  i just want to never go to a store for the next 2 months.  There really isn't anyway to do that (although i know i can order in groceries, order in my meds, stay in my van with my iPod on to get actual cash, etc.) since life must still go on.  i just wish i had some more time. 

Since i haven't got that luxury, i have to figure out how i am going to survive all this.  i need to plan and make lists.  Lots and lots of lists.  List of who i want to give gifts to.  What kind of gifts.  Where i am getting the gifts or the supplies for the gifts (if i am making them).  How much i have to spend and budget it accordingly.  Concentrate on stuff to do, and those that are here, and not concentrate so much on who isn't here anymore.  Easier thank it sounds.  Hard to put behind me.  i just know that if i don't do it this way, i will spiral again.  MIT can't deal with that.  Hell, i can't deal with that.  i guess i should bring this up in therapy tomorrow.

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Over the last week (and a bit)

Wow, i haven't posted in about a week and a half.  It isn't because there isn't anything to post about.  Last week was a busy week.  Appointments, emotions, class.  i felt like every day was a busy day. 

i did learn a few new things this week.

• Ontario Works sucks (aka welfare) - i owe them money


• the MIT's school is just great - they broke the news about not working for credits right now is ok, and they also listened when He had to explain what He meant by His EA hit Him. 


• i have homework from seeing the social workers - last time it was telling them what i wanted from them, this time it is finding stuff to do after i see them to pull me back into reality and not mixed up with all my emotions in my head


• that reading and taking notes for 10 chapters is beyond me right now

i feel really run down and disappointed in my self today.  Not getting my homework for school done is really bothering me.  i should have been able to do it.  i had plenty of time.  i just couldn't get past the first chapter.  It wasn't just about reading, it was also about making notes and i couldn't wrap my head around it.  Sure i have some time to cram right now, but not enough to make notes and read.  Plus i still have to be attentive to the MIT.

Today after school, i get to see the social workers again.  i am going to be asking them how much longer i will be seeing them, and when i get to see the psychiatrist.  i also want to know, if once i start dealing with "stuff" with them, will i have to start over with the doc.  It just seems weird that i build a relationship with them, and then will be turned over to someone else.  It doesn't make sense to me. 

OK, time for me to get my butt into the shower and hound the MIT.  Man i don't want to go to school.  i really don't wanna go (insert whine).  my bed is calling.  Loudly.  i must fight the urge.  i must.  i must. i must.

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Ein Prosit!!

So Saturday's Oktoberfest celebration was wonderful.  A great group of friends, lots of food, lots of drinks, lots of laughs.  i even have video of most of the evening.  Oh and pictures.  Lots and lots of pictures.  i am burning everyone a copy of the video and of the pictures so they can all remember Heino-palooza  fondly.  We even had a party game.  See who could melt a chocolate truffle between their boobs first.  E and S tied.  D didn't have enough boob to really push them together.  i am more cold blooded than everyone else.  i couldn't melt the truffle between my boobs.  Plus no one to lick it off.  Oh well, no biggy.

On Sunday, i wasn't hung over (though i should have been) i just felt kind of lazy, and then i decided to concentrate on burning the movie for everyone.  First i had to figure out how to edit the movie so it would fit on CD's (i had over 3 hours worth).  That took a while.  Once that was figured out, i started burning the evidence.  i am still at it.  i have 5 sets to make, and i am now starting Part 2 for each set.  5 CD's down, 10 more to go. 

Yesterday was also cleaning day.  i did as much as i could, but there is still stuff here for P&E to take home, and a couple souvenirs for L&D, and S.  When the MIT came home, He had a blast pulling down all the streamers and balloons and then popped every one of the balloons in the house.  If He had of used a pin, i would have been quicker, but He needed to squeeze them all.  The squeaky squeeze did bother me a bit. 

Today was all about getting over being tired.  i was so busy the last couple of days, i hardly slept and i am so tired out.  Yes i have kept busy, so i haven't had time to think about how i am doing emotionally, and yes for me that is a good thing, but i also know that now i am more relaxed, the emotions could come out again.  i even had a big panic attack yesterday.  hyperventilated and everything.  Even to the point that i needed to lie down.  i survived.  Yes i got scared, and worried, and thought of calling someone because i was so scared, but i breathed and self-talked through it. 

Wednesday i have to go to welfare.  It is an almost yearly excursion, but each year i get nervous about it.  i have so much stuff to gather together.  Old bills, old bank statements.  Tenant agreements.  Lots of stuff to gather.  Even just thinking about it now is making me panic.  i hate going to welfare.  Hate it. 

OK, this post is feeling like what is inside my head.  Convoluted and jumbled and bouncing from one thing to the next.  Since the MIT is here i will be off to make tuna salad.  Enough so i don't have to worry about what i am packing for His lunch tomorrow.  Off i go. 

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Bouncing

Different emotions over the couple of days.  Ups and downs.  Panic and calm.  Crying and not crying.  my emotions seem to be all over the place.

Thursday night, E and her kids came over and we decorated the living room for Oktoberfest.  It looks really cool, but it doesn't feel finished to me.  i know it is the perfectionist in me, so i am trying to let it go. 

Yesterday (Friday) was a difficult but not that bad of a day.  i woke-up and wished Mike a happy anniversary (it would have been 7 years since we met).  Then i looked at my "to do list".  i started to feel overwhelmed, but calmed myself down and got everything i had control over, finished. 

• i got the MIT off to school


• i packed the MIT's bag for a sleep over at my Mom's


• i packed my school bag


• i packed my "need for later" bag


• i got to school on time


• i went to St. Joe's for my therapy


• i stopped at my place to check my bank account and pickup a coat (it was really cold out)


• i went to E's and got ready to go to a porn night


• i found E's son


• i drove E and i to Toronto


• we all went to see the porn show, found the lineup to large and decided on a movie and food instead


• i drove E and i home


• i actually went to be right after getting home

i didn't let the size of my list get to me.  Today, we (my friends) are having an Oktoberfest party.  i am finding it difficult not to get overwhelmed by the size of my "to do" list today.  So far, so good.  i am mainly concentrating on those things i feel i really need to get done, rather the impression my house will give off.  i am going to be concentrating on

• going out and getting some diet pepsi and stuff


• making the MIT's room tidy


• vacuuming the house


• making sure the bathroom is clean


• doing the dishes


• shower and shave!!!!

Anything else, isn't a "have to" it is just a "would like to".  So by concentrating on what i feel i need to get done (just so i feel comfortable with people in my house), i am limiting the amount of pressure i am putting on myself.  It seems to be working so far.  i still have less than 3 hours before people are coming over, but i can do a lot in 3 hours. 

So, here's to keeping things in perspective and to keeping my mind on what is happening now, and not worrying about what will happen when everyone comes over.

i am feeling mighty proud of myself right now.

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It's all normal

So i went to the doctor's today.  Yes i gained weight again.  i knew i had.  i just didn't know where it would put me on the scale.  Now i know.  Yes my blood pressure is fine.  That is good. 

The most important thing i learned at the doctor's is that she is proud of me.  See, i have been having a harder time dealing with emotional situations.  What i mean is that i haven't been able to keep the emotions all bottled up as easily as i usually do.  Plus i have been having spontanious emotional outbursts (crying for no reason) and an increase in panic attacks.  Apparently this is normal.  That isn't what she is proud of though.  She is proud i haven't said to hell with going to therapy.  That i have decided to keep going and to keep dealing.  It was nice to hear her say those words, and that i am being strong by still going.  No, i may not like going, but it is good that i am going, and that i will continue to go. 

To some this may not seem like a happy post, but it is.  It sucks that i have to go through emotional crap that i have been burying for so long, but it is good because i know that i need to go threw it all, and i am.  It is a good thing

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Pavlov's dog

i feel like one of Pavlov's dogs. Let me explain

For over 6 1/2 years, i always asked permission before having an orgasm.  When i was with Mike, we had a set of rules to accomplish this.  If Mike was away, i could call and leave a message on His phone and that was a way of asking.  i could even send Him an email and that would qualify (for us) as asking permission.  When i played with others, i was to ask them for permission. He isn't here anymore so there is no one i need or  have to ask permission from.  Yet, i still can't reach that gushing or feeling of release without hearing the "yes" or knowing that someone is giving me permission.  After all these months, i still can't get there.

Mike died back in May.  i have been getting more used to doing certain things by myself again.  i have been moving forward and growing.  Yes i have leaned on friends for other things, but i have been learning to take charge of me.  i have started going to "school" for reflexology.  i have been going out when i want.  i have been having fun with friends when i want.  i feel totally in control some days.  There is just one thing i can't take charge of.  Oragasms. 

Take last night.  i was using one of the little, special toys that we had accumilated over time, and it is one that is totally reliable in getting me to that point, and beyond.  Everything was going right.  i was there.  i was ready.  i couldn't get past it. 

i asked for permission in my head, thinking that would help.  i asked permission outloud, thinking that would help.  Nothing.  Just writhing, feeling at the point, and nothing.  i was getting so frustrated.  i tried to say "yes" to myself.  i tried to imagine Mike whispering "yes" in my ear, but nothing.  i had thoughts of calling a friend who would understand, panting and everything, to just hear that one word (couldn't justify it and couldn't humiliate myself that way, just couldn't.  i have a feeling the person i would have called, would have been flattered, joked a bit, tortured me with asking me why, then laugh and say yes).

So, nothing.  No relief.  No drooling even though the food is right infront of me.  Still waiting for the sound of the bell.  Still waiting for that permission.  i so feel like one of Pavlov's dogs.

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Killing time

So i was sitting here, thinking everything was good, and a panic attack started.  i have no idea why, but it happened.  i did my deep breathing.  i did my self talk.  None of it really helped, so i decided to distract myself.

i found my old recipe for apple crisp.  i haven't made it in years.  i have been buying apple crisp from Zarky's.  Today i decided that peeling apples might be zen like.  So out i went, hyperventilating the whole time, and bought apples and those disposable baking pans.  i bought enough apples for at least 3, maybe 4 batches.  i bought chocolate chips for cookie making.  i bought stewing beef for what i am making for dinner.

One batch is done and cooling.  Yes, i already tried it and it is better than the one i buy.  The second is in the oven.   i should have also gotten ice cream, but i didn't.  It would have gone nicely with the warm apple crisp. 

The panic sensation hasn't left, but now i have apple crisp.  i still feel like i need to jump out of my skin.  my breathing is ragged, but if i concentrate, i can calm it down.  my hands are shaking, and my leg won't stop bouncing.  i am ok.  i know i am ok.  i don't want to take meds when i can find other ways to manage.  i am hoping another batch will help.  3 batches of apple crisp.  i wonder if it freezes well.  i wonder if i should take some to my Mom's for Thanksgiving tomorrow. 

i just want the shaking and breathing things to stop.

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A full one

What a beautiful way to wake-up.  i had forgotten how i can see Her first thing in the morning from the kitchen.  The moon so full, and bright.  i saw Her last night, but She had clouds all over Her.  This morning, She is bright and full and it is so clear.  The changes in the season are apparent.  Being able to see Her and waking up cold.  i don't want to have to turn the heat on yet.  i am not ready for that yet.  Hot chocolate.  That is the answer.  Hot chocolate and the full moon.  A great way to wake-up.

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Where is the smiley?

A friend read over this place from my head and mentioned that it seemed so sad.  It is.  i feel comfortable here to express all the nasty, dark, depressive things that enter my head here.  Happy thoughts are in my head.  There have been a lot of them lately.  i think it is time i get used to expressing those here too.

MIT - man is He enjoying school.  He loves it.  He doesn't come home angry at all.  He hardly fights me in the morning. The only difficulty in the morning is about waking up and Him wanting "5 more minutes Mom".  Once that little routine is over, everything runs smoothly.  Uniforms rock.  No arguments about what He is going to wear.  No worrying about if it will fit or not.  He has 2 main outfits He likes, and one more that is for special occasions.  Mornings rock now.  After school, He is hungry (lunch is really early for Him) and gets a snack.  After that, is homework (with no arguing at all) and karate on certain days.  He is doing really well.  i am really proud of Him.

Reflexology - i am into week 4 of my reflexology course.  Only 8 more classes to go.  i am enjoying it.  Sure the definitions of certain disabilities or illnesses are really general, but i can live with that.  i am finding that i am relaxing into the foot procedure really easily.  i find my hands flowing nicely from one reflex to the next.  i have lots of volunteers to practice on, and will get to continue using them for my practicum once i have the entire foot procedure down pat.  i got to practice on Saturday.  i did my procedure on 2 8 year olds and my two friends L&D.  i even get to practice again tonight on E.  The MIT won't let me near His feet.  That is ok.  i have enough different feet available.

Life in general - yes i have bad days.  That is apparent in most of my entries.  But there are many, many good days.  Days where i can push the depression further back.  Days i can see the joy in the sun shining.  Days i can see being able to wake up tomorrow and feel ok. 

i have been baking more.  It is something i haven't done in a long time, and am finding pleasure in it.  i am cooking dinners more often.  i can't afford to order in anymore, so i am finding ways around that.

 i have great friends around me.  i have fallen back to those i have known the longest, who have seen me threw good and bad times.  They have been very supportive and help me feel like i matter to this world.  They listen and they don't mince words when i need to hear the truth.  They are also there to let me be me. 

Friday i go to St. Joe's again, and visit with the social worker.  i have to visit with her before i get to meet with the actual doctor.  Not looking forward to it.  my head and stomach hurt after the last appointment. 

i don't have class this week.  my teacher is moving this weekend, so she needs the day for packing and stuff. 

Next weekend i get to go to a live porn show L Friday, and then everyone will be here for Octoberfest on Saturday.  Now that will be fun.  Sure it would be nice to have been able to go to Kitchener for the festivities, but this way, everyone is around and we can drink when and what we want, play music that we want, and even watch movies if we want.  i am really looking forward to it.  my Mom is even taking the MIT for the entire weekend. 

Looking forward to things is new.  i am not dreading stuff as much.  That is a good thing.  Yes i am still grieving, but i am also moving forward.  i am finding stuff that interests me.  i am finding ways to open up about my issues (including those about the MIT).  i am looking at other ways to get respite.  i am doing housework when i have the energy.  i am excited about  the reflexology course.  i look forward to the MIT coming home after school.

i think the next thing i will be looking into is pottery, or sculpting.  i know there is stuff i want to make out of clay, and the feel of the clay in my hands.  i know i want to make what i paint, and not just paint things that are pre-made.  i also want to get back into sewing.  i have a great machine, but haven't used it in years.  It would be nice to make stuff that i wear.  i also want to get back into knitting.  i have at least one project, that has been promised to one special guy, that has not been touched in months.  

Ideas for Christmas gifts are coming at me.  Yes it is hard knowing that i don't need to find one for Mike.  i still come up with ideas for Him, but then realize...well, you know.  For others, i am doing really well with the ideas.  i just have to actually sit down and do them.

So, that is all for now in this more pleasant post.  There are still some nice and happy things that have happened that i want to keep to myself.  Those may or may not come to light here, but they are definitely in my head and memory and full of goodness.  Please bare with me.

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Don't Wanna

Today i get to go and to the St. Joe's phsyciatry department for an assessment.  i don't wanna go.  i want to stay home and curl up in bed and hide.  i want to keep doing what i have been doing.  i want to only let out how i feel on my terms, and not someone else's.  i don't want to open up for a perscribed amount of time.  i don't want to let the piled-up emotions to come flooding out and feel broken again.  i feel like i have rebuilt myself back up.  i have put many of the pieces back into place and i am surviving.  i know i am not all fixed.  i know there is alot more for me to put back into place.

Yes i still think of hurting myself.  i still have plans in place of when, and how.  i still want and even feel like i need to do it.  The only thing keeping me here is MIT.  i can't figure out how to do it without it hurting Him emotionally or even physically.  And i hate it.  i hate that the MIT has that much control over my life.  i hate that my whole world revolves around this person that depends on me so much.  i just hate and resent Him alot right now.  i hate that the one thing i resent the most is the only thing keeping me from following threw.

Yes, i know.   i do this with every new experience.  i know i tend to get all nervous before hand and then go through with it, and it is never as bad as i thought it would be.  i am just really worried about how i will be tonight, after the appointment.  i am worried i can't bury what ever comes out while there.  i am worried that i will implode from all the "storing" i have been doing.  i am worried they will want me in the hospital. 

i know i still have more fixing to do, that all the pieces are not back in place.  i know i have been battling this depression for over 10 years without seeing someone "professionally" (other than my family doctor).  i am still here.  Like i told the lady on the phone, i can't be anything but here. 

Venting isn't working this morning

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Things i learned

After rearranging my bedroom, i learned a few valuable lessons.

1. Never move a dresser with all the clothes and junk in it.


2. See number 1 when moving the second dresser.


3. Never move a book shelf without taking all the books off it, or the shelf will do it for you.


4. Never move your bed when it is still all together and has the books that fell off the shelves on it.


5. Bending from the legs instead of the back means less back pain, but more leg pain.


6. Be prepared to find things that have been missing for a long time.


7. Be prepared to find things left here by Mike and have crying outbursts remembering Him and His death.


8. A vacuum cleaner can not handle a blindfold.


9. Try not to break the belt of the vacuum in the middle of cleaning out under your bed.


10. Be prepared to find new places for things that used to have places when the furniture was elsewhere.

Now my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts, and most importantly, my hands hurt.  Gripping things hurt right now.  i hope it won't last long.  i still have class on Friday.  At least it is mostly done.  i have pictures to move around, as they are no longer centered above the bed and now dresser.  i have a space where i want to put a toy box for me (lil_lizzy).  i have stuff that needs to go to amity/goodwill/etc.  Other than that.  i am quite happy with the way my room turned out. 

Today is homework (2 chapters and practice the relaxation foot proceedure).  i am hoping to practice at least 2-3 times before Friday.  The chapter stuff is easy.   Right now, i am on the skeletal system.  i wish i had baked cookies yesterday.  i love doing homework while munching on cookies, and having some milk.  Old memories, but good memories. 

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A change.....

Don't ask me why, but today i decided to rearrange my bedroom.  Move the bed, move the dressers, move the end tables (aka file cabinets).  Just move everything around and clean out what i don't need and what i do need and then either get rid of it or put it in the basement.

Everything was going really well.  i cleaned out the corner that seemed to store more than it should.  i moved the tall dresser (i really need a new/old one).  i moved the end table.  i moved the bed.  While i was moving everything i was vacuuming as i went.  Then it happened.

The vacuum ate something it shouldn't have and now the belt is broken.  Sure i can still vacuum up dust, but the entire floor is needing a good going-over.  Add to that the fact that i really don't have the money to get it fixed, and i feel like i am at a standstill.  Add to that the fact that i will need to actually move furniture down into the basement, and i really don't feel like going any further.  Too bad i have to, as i don't have any room on my bed right now to fit me.

 i guess it is time to get back to work.  i need to have it all done before the MIT gets home.  At least that isn't until 8, but there is still other stuff to do.  Making tuna salad for the MIT for lunches.  Baking cookies so the MIT has a treat in His lunch.  Take the stuff to Amity, or where ever i will take it.  Move stuff into the basement.  Lots of stuff to still do.

Man this is a mundane entry.  This is what most of my hand written journal looks like.  Mundane, everyday stuff.  Nothing really exciting to write about.  Just another typical day in my life. 

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Opening Seasons

Why have all of the shows lately, all the premiers, been about grieving and being left behind?

Grey;s Anatomy : An intern (Izzy) falls in love with a patient (Paul?).  Patient needs a new heart.  Intern makes it happen (not quite legally).  Patient gets new heart and all is well.  They talk about getting married.  They talk about the future.  They make promises to each other.  Everything is good.  All is well.  Suddenly patient dies.  Out of no where.  Everything was good, and he dies.  Intern starts to grieve, knowing all the promises are finished.  What should have been is gone.  She feels alone.  Feels like she has died.  Everything was so good, and then nothing is left.  Nothing at all.  No more promises of good things.  Just pain and nothing. 

Ghost Whisperer : Friends.  Best Friends.  One is slightly weird (Melinda), the other accepting of the weirdness.  Plans for the future being formed.  Friendship blooming.  Life is all good.  The accepting one dies, suddenly. The weird one is left, wondering why.  Not wanting to accept the other's death.  Not knowing what to do.  Not having someone to bounce how she feels off of.  Not having her friend there to comfort her when she needs it the most.  Not knowing how to find closure.

My mom says it is always like that every season.   That at the end of every season, someone is dying, or about to die or has died.  That every new season, the characters have to deal with the grief.  She says that this year it is just so much more apparent to me.  That it is just they way TV is, and that i am finding more of my grief as i watch.

Today i am going to pickup Mike's altar box.  i will be getting stuff back that was His.  i will be getting stuff back that is mine.  i am driving myself.  Maybe i will call my sister and ask her to drive.  i don't know if i can do this on my own.  Really not sure.  i don't know where i will put it.  i know i want it, need it even.  So i will be going to get it.  Either alone, or with support.  i am going to get it.

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Dream Interpretation

Ok, this is getting rediculous.  i have had, at least three times a week, dreams that include rats.  Big hairy ugly rats.  Rats lying in food.  Rats running around.  Rats that have landed on me.  Rats that have run around me.  Rats that i have chased.  Rats that i have captured and thrown out the door.  Rats that i have captured and given to other people. 

These dreams have taken place in my house.  Only once did a cat come into the dream.  The rats were living above my stove.  Other times my dream takes place some where else.  i don't know where it is.  i didn't recognize it at all. 

This time there were many people around and no one else seems to notice the rats.  Only i seem to know that they were there.  Only i seemed to be able to capture them.  Once word got around, people were asking me for rats.  i couldn't keep up with the demand.  Then i saw what they were doing to the rats and i wouldn't give them away anymore.  They were flinging the rats around in those cloth gift bags i would put them into.  They would throw the rats at the wall.  One person (i don't know if it was male or female) stuck the bag to a target and was throwing stuff at it.  People were even stepping on the rats. 

i hate rats.  i hate mice.  Tame ones, in a cage, i can handle.  Wild ones, skittering around, making noise with their claws, making those weird squeeking noises just grosses me out.  When there has been a mouse in my house, i usually leave until it is dead.  These dreams, with the wild, creepy, ugly giant rats, are really starting to get to me.  i wish i knew what they were trying to tell me.  i wish i could make them stop

In other news.  Today is my second day of class.  i have finished all my homework.  i have all my supplies.  Now all i have to do is get these rats out of my brain, get the MIT to school, and shower, dress and get to class. 

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This and That

i started crying yesterday.  There was no reason.  No thought, just tears.  Uncontrollable, vomit inducing, stomach wrenching tears.  i couldn't figure it out.  Why would it have started?  It had been a good day.  i had gotten stuff done that i needed to get done.  i had talked with friends.  i had been laughing and everything had been good.  So why the tears?

It was then my Mom called.  Seems yesterday was Wednesday.  i have been good for Wednesdays for a little while.  So what if it was Wednesday?  Wednesdays hadn't been bad for a while, so why now?  Why yesterday?  It wasn't like i was thinking about Him.  It wasn't like i was going over how much i was missing Him.  Thoughts of Him didn't even cross my mind as i cried and vomitted.  Mom says i did too much.  It didn't feel that way.  It really didn't.  i still don't understand.

Tomorrow i start school.  After class, i go to Pam's to be with her and Ethan.  There is talk about lunch.  i don't know if we are going out or if Ethan is cooking.  They are busy as it is.  They are heading for vacation Saturday.  Saturday i am going to the Pagan Pride day here.  Danielle is coming with me.  i am not sure what is going to be happening Saturday night, but it is all good. 

i am so tired.  Just so tired all the time.  Tired right now even.  MIT will be home soon.  Then i get to make dinner and get the MIT ready for karate.  Actually, i am starting dinner now.  It will take a hour or so for dinner to cook.  After that, i will let it sit and wait for a while.  Maybe the MIT will eat some.  Then again, He might now.  He can be fickle.  Anyways, off to the mundane life i seem to be living. 

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Ups and downs

So i did it.  i registered for the reflexology course.  i start on Friday.  i have already read over the first 3 chapters, and plan on reading more.  It is a dry read, but i am so excited about taking it, and eventually using the skills i learn, that i am breezing right through it.  i even had a pedicure today and am getting a manicure tomorrow to celebrate.  Hellen said, on Saturday, that Mike would be proud.  That He is looking down on me and smiling.  i hope so.  i hope He is proud. 

i actually removed His spot on the bed.  His pillows had been where they have been for almost 7 years.  It was hard, admitting that He won't ever be sleeping here again.  i still wait for Him to come online and chat while He is at work.  i still wait for Him to walk in the door on Tuesdays to go bowling.  Moving the pillows was difficult, but i lived. 

i do keep asking myself if i am grieving too much.  i mean we had been going through some bad times before things began to "work" again.  i wasn't that thrilled with Him for quite a while.  We had our problems.  Maybe i should be over this feeling of dread and guilt and sadness. 

i talked to Pam today about the cravings.  The desire to have that dynamic and the pain back in my life.  How i wonder if He would be mad or disappointed in the fact that i want to give that part of me over to anyone else.  She had me play the "what would you say if i was you, and you were Ethan?" game.  i do know what Mike would say.  He would say that being a submissive is who i am, and to keep that locked up would mean i was not being true to myself.  He would tell me to not feel guilty.  He would tell me to be who i am.  So why is even the idea of letting it be someone else's voice so scary for me? 

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How long should i wait?

How long is it appropriate for one to wait after the loss of their partner to start craving again?  Is almost 4 months enough time?  Am i being disloyal to Mike and His memory for wanting and craving?

i am home alone tonight, and all my thoughts are geared to wanting and needing.  i want to feel pain.  i want to be able to serve someone.  i want to be able to follow orders.  i want to be able to please someone even if i don't get anything out of it, because seeing that someone is pleased, does give me pleasure.   i want to hear someone's voice in my ear to say i can come.  i haven't been able to do that to myself since His death.  His voice hasn't been there.  i wasn't allowed without His permission if i was doing it myself.  i can't seem to get there and give myself that permission.  i still ask, either out loud or in my head and wait for His answer.  It never comes.  So neither do i.

i am not saying i haven't played since His death.  i did, and it went ok.  i got to orgasm.  i got to feel pain.  There was also a voice there, one that He seemed to have left for me to be with, able to give me permission.  i have pulled away from that person, that voice.  She was what i needed at the time.  She was like a connection to Him.  i don't feel that way about Her anymore.  i don't even like the idea of it being Her voice anymore.  She was ok for me when i needed that "connection" to Him, but that was all She was.  Just a connection.  i guess i used Her for that.

Tonight i keep thinking that i am being disloyal, being selfish, being cold for wanting and needing even an orgasm.  The idea of someone inflicting pain on me feels like a desire to escape.  But it is still there.  i just don't want it to be because i am trying to escape or trying to forget Him. 

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i don't really have a title this time

Well, i don't qualify for funding to take the reflexology course.  So now i get to ask my Mom for the money.  This aught to be fun.  NOT!  i am not looking forward to telling her.  i am not looking forward to hearing what she has to say, or her conditions, or anything from her.  i know that what comes out of her mouth isn't meant to hurt me, but it does.  i know i should be thankful that i can even ask her.  i know i should be thankful for all the help she gives me.  It is just that it feels like it costs too much. (Update : Mom called and said she will write out the cheque to the school and i can start on Friday!  Thanks Mom!!!)

In other news, i have been referred to a psychiatrist and will be having an appointment of assessment soon.  About time for that.  The depression isn't going away.  It isn't even really getting better.  i am just much better at timing my breakdowns.  The smallest thing (hearing i don't qualify) sets me into a panic.  Having to many happy thoughts even sets me into a downward spiral.  Having someone to talk to, about all the changes, about all the loss, even talking about how it feels to have the MIT, will be nice. 

Maybe this weekend will be good.

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Jump and Fall

So i went for the assessment.  The place should be called "useless appointment before going back to where you started".  Not only is it not their job to help with financial aide, but i had to go back to my OW worker to get the forms that are to go to the people that make the decision.  Plus, i must have the forms done, and make an appointment with my worker to hand them in.  The forms must be completed in 2 weeks.  The soonest my worker can see me is October.  October is longer than 2 weeks.  If the papers are not turned over to her in person by the 21st, nothing can be done, and i would have to start the process all over again.

So i thought i had a backup plan.  my Mom said i could use the money from my Nana to take the course, plus she would cover the difference.  Today she said that if there was a chance to get the funding to start the course in January, than i would just have to wait for January.  Oh, and i could take a night school course in cooking or crafts if i wanted in the mean time.

So i took the leap, and fell flat on my face.  Well, not completely.  i have a call into the college to see if they will take $500 and allow me to take the course until funding is provided.  If the college says yes, i will go to my Nana only.  But even before i can do that, i have to make sure it won't affect my ability to get the funding.  That would blow. 

So, lets see, what else blows.  i couldn't get babysitting for even my doctor's appointment, never mind the munch that was tonight.  The doctor did call when after i cancelled.  That was nice of her.  She even said that if i need a doctor's note to say i can take the course, or as a reference, she would be happy to provide it.  my Mom said it was stupid of me to book the appointment for the time it was supposed to be.  She still doesn't understand why that might make me feel like she called me stupid.  When i told her about the hoops i had to jump threw, and she actually said "I didn't think you would get the funding".

Anyways, i feel like crap.  i am not done yet.  i am jumping threw those hoops.  Tomorrow i go to the teacher of the course to fill in the one page of the package that has to be handed to my worker in the next 2 weeks.  i will make this happen, and i will get into the course on the day i want to start.

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A change for the better??

Tomorrow i go for an assessment on if i am eligible for financial help to take the reflexology course i am really wanting to take.  i have everything i need, i think.  i printed of a lot of information from the internet, i spoke with the person teaching the course and have that information, and i called the OCR for even more information.  i have it all gathered in my file thingy, ready to go.  i am just so nervous.

This is the first "jump" i have made since Mike died.  It feels like i huge jump.  Almost a leap of faith.  i am scared they will say yes to the financial aid.  i am scared they will say no.  i do have a backup plan if they say no.  my Mom will be giving me the money to take the course.  i just don't want to be that much more indebted to her.  Plus she will feel it gives her license to make sure i go. 

i am a little nervous about keeping myself motivated, but i know i really want this. Not only do i want the basic foot reflexology course, but i will also want to take the hand reflexology, and then my masters, so i can teach it. i just have to make sure to push myself, just like i have been doing with taking my meds, and trying to eat properly.  i haven't been perfect at it, but i have been doing it.

i want to do this.  i really want to do this.  So, no matter what, i will do this.

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The first time

i used to journal other places. i can't use those anymore. They aren't safe from eyes i don't want to see. So, i have decided to start this place. i am hoping it is a place where i can talk to myself about stuff, bounce around ideas, post my views on things, and basically just put myself out there so certain people don't worry anymore.

i may "pull over" certain posts that i have recently made from the hidden journal, but i am not yet sure. It may happen, it may not. We will just see.

Until then, this is my first post.

The first day of school

So the MIT went to school this morning. It is His first day of high school. He was so excited, so eager to go. It was nice not having to fight Him about getting dressed. It was beyond pleasant to not argue about what He would be wearing. Uniforms rock. It was a good, yet early, morning. It was nice.

But now i sit here, trying to figure out what to do. No one online to talk to. No one here to spend time with. Nothing to fill my days. i am a very boring person. Yes, i could clean the house. Yes i could do the dishes. Neither of those things make me an interesting person. They are just chores to take up my time. i want something to do. i want to be someone other than the MIT's mom. That is one reason i want so bad to take the reflexology course. i want something outside of myself to do. i want to be able to offer services while the MIT is at school. i want something to do while the MIT is not here.

So, until then, i think of what i am passionate about. i try to find something to do that costs nothing. i try to fill this time with something other than napping and eating and cleaning stuff that doesn't need more cleaning and playing online games. The first day of being alone, and i am already bored.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

i know i didn't write to You all weekend in my hand journal. i am really sorry. i couldn't do it. i had to keep my head in camp, away from You or i wouldn't have been able to actually preform.
i helped out everywhere. i did the driving for groceries. i did clean-up after dinner. i did registration. i survived Sherry being there, in the cabin with me, making Bryan moan and groan. i survived hearing the pity in people's voices as they spoke to me. i survived Patrick's annual temper tantrum. At times, i did more than survived. i stayed up late with the group most nights. i got drunk one night. i sang karaoke. i think You would be proud.

Peter was proud, and told me so yesterday. So was Laura, Darren, Scott, Erin, Robyn. Everyone was proud of me. Too bad i wasn't. i felt so out of it most of the time. i felt like i was trying to be someone i am not. i just knew i had to perform. i had to do everything. i had to not breakdown and become a blubbering idiot. But the whole time i kept thinking how wrong it all was. How it shouldn't be like it is. How it should have been You watching out for me, making sure i was ok. Making sure i didn't push myself too hard. i know i pushed myself. No one else knows just how much.

i haven't had a chance to crash yet. i won't even get that chance this weekend. i am wound up so tight right now, that even a phone call from mom set me on edge. TJ talking too much sets me on edge. i know i am behind on my meds, that is probubly part of the reason. i am catching up on them. i will have a breakdown later. Don't ask me when, but i will.

You should have been there this weekend. You should have been the one helping Peter and Helmut load and unload the truck. You should have been the one doing first aide. It should have been You that hugged me at night and not some stuffed animal. It should have been You to help Helmut with the meat. It should have been You to break-up Patrick and Darren. Instead, it was me. i don't like it being just me.

i want You back. i want You to come back. i need You to come back. TJ is on His way home. i will write in my book soon. i promise.

i love You Master.

Wed, 16 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

Why the hell aren't You here. You should be here. You should be walking through the door. You should be the one making me calm down, not some drug. You should be the one sleeping here tonight, not Laura and Darren. You should be the one to get the ice tomorrow. You should be here to help load the truck. You should be here to setup the play tent. You should freakin be here.

But You are not here. Instead, i have to figure out a way to survive this weekend without You. That is so not fair.

i talked to the doctor yesterday. She wants me in the hospital. She isn't sure i can make decisions right now. She thinks i am so far gone. The worst part is she is right.

i so want to just die. i want TJ to die so i can die. i wait every morning for him not to wake up. i wait every day for a car to crash into us killing us both. i just want to die and go away and not come back and be with You. That is all i want. That is all i hope for. That is what always goes through my mind. Wishing i could just be done with this life and be done with it all.

Will You come and get me while i sleep? Will You come and bring me to You? Please? Master? Please Master, please. Just come to me and take me with You. i can't be without You anymore. i don't want to be without You anymore. Please Master. i don't know how else to beg to You. Just please.

Sat, 12 Aug 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i haven't typed to You in a long time Master. i have been keeping up in my written journal. i am just scared Aaron, Lore, or even Bev will find this place and use what i write against me.

i miss You so much. The dark thoughts are getting worse. i now am waiting for TJ to die so i can die too. Every morning He sleeps in, i am hoping He isn't waking up. i even left Him home alone when He was full blown. If He was gone, i could come to You without any guilt.

Cindy is hoping to win the lottery. She has already planned out what she is going to do with the money. Stuff like buy me a house and a car. She would pay off the credit card again. She would even set up an account i could dip into if i needed the money. All i asked for was a freezer and to have it filled with food. i can't dream all that big right now. Dreaming means hope. Dreams don't come true. The dream of You being my Master, being here for me, hearing Your voice, all died with You. All hope died with You.

i know i am holding on by a thread, and i am watching it unravel. Camp scares me. Being without You scares me. Going and getting groceries scares me. Everything, without You, scares me.

Why didn't You wake me up? Why didn't You stop me for cutting? Why can't i feel You? Why won't You come back?

i love You Master

Wed, 12 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i am missing You so much. The depression is getting worse. i am pulling away from everyone and everything.

Sherry really pissed me off. She is making Your death all about her. If anyone wants to do something, or make a reminder about You, it is about her. Hardly about me, but all about her.

Helmut had wanted to do a pagan ceremony for You. A pagan goodbye. He couldn't find a way to do it before Camp. So He wanted to do it on the Friday night of Camp. i couldn't handle the thought of it. i still can't. Anyways, it became all about how it is up to me and Sherry if it should be done...in Sherry's eyes. Nothing about the rest of the Org. Nothing about how really it is up to me, but all about mainly her.

That is how it always is with her. Every decission that is made is about her. Every time she spends here is about her and her grief. It doesn't matter how i am feeling. i get to express my feelings for like a minute and then it is all about her again.

i have stopped emailing her every day. i just can't. It was such a meaningful D/s thing between You and i. i am not in that place with her. She won't define it. i am still the extra with her. She tries to pretend i am not, but i am. At least with P and E, i know i am the extra.

i want to not be the extra anymore. i want You back and i want to be Yours again. Still. With You i know my place. i am Yours. You are my Master. i am Your submissive/slave. i have a place with You. i have no place without You. i am all alone. So alone that i am pulling away from everyone. i am lost. i need You.

Wed, 5 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: Private thoughts

i am supposed to mail that box to Bev. i was supposed to do it yesterday, but didn't, and i am supposed to do it today, but can't bring myself to do it. It is like the final step to saying that this is the reality. That there is no more chance for me to wake-up. Mom really pissed me off last night. "Are you going to do it or do I have to go out of my way to do it, and be angry about it". That was what she said. Like i need that. i felt like saying "thanks for all the support Mom. Thanks for not understanding that i didn't get to have a vacation when you took TJ on a trip You wanted him to take, and now i get to suffer for it." You know i didn't though. i could never actually say anything like that to her. It just isn't in me to do. Anyways, off to get E and drive her to school early. Seems i get her kids from 7:30 - 6:00 ish. No warning about the until 6. No warning about me even having the kids this week, cause last i heard, M was supposed to get them. Oh well. Off i go.i love You Master

Sat, 1 Jul 2006

i know that normally this weekend, You would be home with Bev. It just feels like You should be here, coming to the cottage with me and Sherry. You were supposed to come with us.Bev sent the items i asked for. Nothing extra. No thoughts of what mean something to me. Then again, that isn't like her. She finally got a full time job. Man that would have helped years ago. i can't believe it took You dying to get her ass in gear. i don't know how to make it plain to Sherry that i need to know where Her and i stand. i don't want a collar from Her. i am no where close to wanting or needing that. But i don't know my place with Her. i don't know how much control She wants or how much i am willing to give over. i also can't stand, and i mean really can't stand watching Her and buffy kissing and making out on the couch when all i get is to sit alone on the floor, and get a goodbye kiss from Her every once in a while. i get that She and buffy have an established relationship. i get that i am the intruder. i get that i am the extra. i just wish She would stop saying that i wasn't. Things aren't getting any easier for me here. i still have really bad days, and even worse nights. Maybe the talking to You outloud is helping. Maybe it is just my mind cracking more and more into being more and more crazy. i need the "weird shit" as Sherry calls it, to happen. i need to know that You are still here with me. Maybe i will feel more complete once i get the altar box from Dana. i will be able to hold Your tools. i will be able to feel You more. i think i have sucked out all of You from Your bag of stones. They don't feel right anymore. God i miss You. i need You still so much. i sit here staring at the box i am sending to Bev and wonder why i should do it. i know there isn't anything really special in it, but it is filled with pieces of You. i can't picture Your face in my head anymore. i can't hear Your voice anymore. i can't feel You in the house anymore. Please don't pull away from me yet. i am not ready. Please come back to me if You have left me already. i need to feel You, hear You, dream about You, have You sleep next to me, or have You hold me.Please just wake me up!