Happy Canada Day (day 14 of summer vacation)

Happy Canada Day everyone. Today has been pretty uneventful for me and the MIT. We watched tennis (again LOL) The MIT hates watching tennis. It has been the week for it. Wimbledon is my favourite tennis series.

i guess i am surviving summer so far. Not much sleep. i am still able to function. i am much easier to tears right now. The MIT and i go out at least once a day. We do some sort of running around. We sometimes work in a walk. i do have to admit a lot of our time is in the house. i can only handle pushing Him so far. He has found a lot of games online that He likes. Plus, for my own survival, i have actually gotten digital cable. He is really enjoying all the new and different channels. Flipping has never been so much fun for Him.

i am taking my diabetes much more seriously. i bought the book "Diabetes for Canadians for Dummies". my friend Sh suggested it. She is my inspiration right now. She has done really well since finding out she is also diabetic. i have known for much longer and haven't done too much about it. Right now i am taking my blood sugar levels before and after every meal. i am recording it in a booklet i made. i am going to be asking my doctor to refer me back to the diabetic clinic at MUMC when i see her on the 10th. i am also making changes in my diet, and the MIT's diet. i have cut back on the diet Pepsi. i am down to 4-5 cans a day. Brita water is my new best friend. i am eating a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner that includes all food groups. i am also watching my portion sizes. One problem is i am finding that between 7-9 i am hungry. i tried moving my times to eat later, but it hasn't worked yet. At least i know there is a problem, and i am going to figure out a plan to combat it.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to L&D's. The MIT wants to be blond again, and He needs a trim. i am also missing them terribly. i haven't seen them since April. Tomorrow should be a really good day. i can't wait to meet Atlas. The MIT might have a bit of a problem, but He will handle it. i wonder what the back yard looks like with the fence. Hmmmm. i can't even remember the last time the MIT or i was there. i think it was back at the end of September, before the MIT went to Australia. Wow, that sure is a long time.

Well, it is time for me to head to bed. i hope to catch a few winks between beeps. He is up to 15 apnea's already. This is going to be a long night.

feeling rejected

That is the only way to describe how i am feeling tonight. i really shouldn't be up. i should be lying down and getting what ever small amount of sleep i can out of the night, but this feeling is just eating at me.

In April, i opened myself up to be rejected. i opened up and told someone that i would like the chance to try to get back what we once had. It was a nice reaction i got. We talked about going to an event together. We talked about the fair coming up and maybe hitting that. i called the week before the event, asking if she wanted me to book us tickets. i never got an answer back. i called a week later. i called a week after that. She called when there was an emergency with her daughter. She said she would call me and let me know how it went. She never called back. i have still kept calling and leaving messages. i even left one asking if i had done something wrong. Still no call back, but a mass email to all friends was sent out. i then saw her profile on a site. i answered it. i answered it with all seriousness, as i did when i opened up to her in April. That was when she let me know she was spending time with someone else. That she didn't want to stretch herself to thin, and not be able to give all of herself to anyone.

i totally understand. i do. i get that a person only has so much energy to give around. i just wonder if she ever knew how serious i was in April, and if that would have made a difference. i just wonder why i never got calls back. i just wonder if there is something about me (yes self doubt is still and issue with me).

i still love her to pieces. That won't change. my friendship to her will never change. Nor will my desire to serve her change. Maybe one day the stars and planets will aline properly and this could actually happen.

But right now, i just feel rejected.

Father's Day, Garden, and other stuff

It has been a while since i last posted here. i have been writing in my pen and paper journal almost every day. Things are good. Things have sucked.

my back went out on the 7th, so i have been struggling with that. Oxycotton was my saviour. Add the fact that the MIT has been full blown at least an hour every day, and needing lifting or support, it has been a big struggle. i now have to get up an hour earlier every day, to stretch out my back and be able to move and help the MIT. i am now on plain alieve. That is a good improvement. The MIT has 2 more days of school, and then summer vacation is on. i have signed Him up for summer school, but won't know anything about that until around July 6. Until then, it is "entertain MIT" time. i do hope He is accepted in the summer school program. It will give me a break for at least part of the summer.

Today is Father's day, and i will be going to my parent's place for dinner. i have the presents from me and Sis. i have to wrap them up and take them with me. The MIT wants to give Dad something that isn't even out yet. i need to find a picture of it so the MIT can give Dad something.

Dad and i have been getting along well. He helped me fix my outdoor tap and hose. We are planning on building the gate together. It is going to be a daughter/daddy project. We haven't done one of those in years. i think i can even get Him to help me with the garden dilemma. He feels like i do, that my neighbours don't really know what they are doing.

my gardening is coming along. i am enjoying my herbs. i have summer savoury drying in my kitchen, and it smells great. Having chives to enjoy when ever i want is wonderful. The lemon balm is coming along nicely. The lavender isn't doing too well, but it is a perennial, so i don't expect to see very much for a while. i am waiting for the chamomile to grab hold. my neighbours and i are sharing my back yard for a veggie garden. i want to fix what they have done. i just don't have the money for it right now. i need to box in that garden and put more soil in it, so all the seeds don't keep getting washed away. i also want to till out the grass area, and lay sod. What i have now looks like shit. i want the entire back yard to be functional and good looking. i like where the veggie area is, and i want to be able to build in a flower garden near where i want the gate and stair. my biggest issue is that my eyes and head have bigger ideas than my bank account.

Camp is 2 months away. i am really looking forward to it. It is the first time "we" don't have to be the "go-to" people. i am hoping for a relaxing weekend. i know i have to start planning for that. i know i will be transporting 2 benches. i will also be transporting my own stuff. i wonder about what we are going to do about meals, and what i have to buy for that. Other than gas for the van, and food for a meal or two, i am not lacking equipment or supplies. Costs shouldn't be too bad.

i have been keeping my friends in my thoughts. K has surgery coming up on the 20th. It could be the C word. It might not. i am hoping for not. L&D are struggling with their new friend Atlas. Atlas needs training, and has a habit of getting away from them. Hopefully over the summer the MIT and i can go out there and meet this new friend. He sounds like one heck of a challenge. P is worried about K. E is worried about P and K. B is worried about K. Heck, everyone is worried about K. S, well, i have missed her, and am being a bad friend to her. i have lost track of how she is doing. Her health issues have a name, and now she is having to deal with it. She is doing better than i have. i am jealous of that. i am jealous of the fact that she is able to keep her sugars under control, but i just can't keep a handle on it. She has much more self control than i do. i am proud of her for that.

The reflexology situation sucks. i have advertised places (kijiji, school program) but i am getting no bites. Plus i have forgotten the entire procedure and need to use the book again. If you don't use it, you loose it. i tried to give E a session, but had not taken my book, and forgot so much. i need to do a "do-over" with her. i need to make the effort to go out and actually do it to E and P more often. They are in much need of it, and i need the practice. Sis has had me do sessions for her. She has one coming Monday.

i am still very happy with the scene i had with PM. i am glad we did it. It showed me that i can still "take" a lot. It showed me that i am still me deep down inside. It also showed me that i am wanted and attractive to some. i just don't know how much i want to put myself out there. People i know, i am comfortable with. Strangers, not so much.

Well, i guess that is enough venting. There are presents to wrap, cards to create. There is racing to watch, and a much needed shower to take.

i hope everyone has a good weekend.

Wow!!

i went to a play party on Saturday. It was the same one i went to 2 months ago. This time i went with someone. PM. She came to my house before the party. We had dinner together, and we talked about what would happen when we played. We talked about safe words, how we were going to communicate while we played. We went to my toy closet and we picked out a few toys for that night. We got dressed together. i took her picture in her leathers. Then we headed out.

i had been nervous before she arrived. Hell, i was nervous on the way there. This was going to be a real scene. This was going to be serious play. The last time that happened was with L, and that was in private. 2 months ago, it was not really a scene, but more a trial. This was going to be in public, with multiple toys, and with someone that wanted to play with me, and that i wanted to play with, and had wanted it for a long time.

We arrived and got settled into a spot. i went around and visited with some people. i went out for a couple smokes (with permission). Eventually it was time for the two of us to play. She had gotten possession of the cross. She came to get me.

She had me kneel in front of her, and reminded me of what we had talked about. She reminded me that we were going to have fun, and just go with the flow, and that if i had a problem, to do what we had discussed. She then had me stand up and take off what i was wearing. i threw it on the ground. Then i got the look and the "excuse Me?" She apologized for not letting me know that when she gets playing, she really gets into Dom mode. i picked it up, and i put it where she said, then she attached me to the cross. God it went well. She ramped me up and down. There was thuddy, there was stingy, there was harsh and there was soft. i got the giggles. i dropped. i orgasmed. i giggled more. i cried.

She let me cry. She held me and let me feel it. She didn't push me after that. She took me down and had me kiss her feet. We actually ended with that. It was the perfect ending. i helped her clean up and i went out for a smoke.

That was when i felt close to Mike again. i could smell His cologne. i thought it was my imagination. i smelled it again. It made me smile. i swear i could then feel His hand over my mouth and nose, just like He would do after a scene, taking my breath away. i tried to press into His hand, but it wasn't there. i could feel His other hand rub my arm, and His chest behind me, holding me up. i know it sounds weird, but that was how it felt.

It all felt so right. The evening, the play, the after stuff. It all felt like it should have. i felt at home again. i felt like me again. Not the "mommy" me. Not the closed off me. i felt like the me i was 2 years ago. The me that wasn't afraid of letting go. The me that wasn't closed off to submitting again. The me that new who and what i am.

i'm not so scared to be me again. i know He would be proud of me. i know that He would want me to feel this way again. i know that it is all ok now. i know i don't have to be single forever.

Therapy exercise 2 - What i have accomplished since Mike died

This is the second exercise Sandy wanted me to do over this week. Again, this is just beginning, and will probably grow over the next few days or so. (Not in any specific order)

• Becoming a certified reflexologist - i remember Mike not being very supportive of this idea at one point. i am proud of doing this
• Taking responsibility for taking my meds - i had turned this over to Mike. i shouldn't have. i have to have control over something before i can give it to someone else. Now i have control over it.
• Letting myself feel what and when i feel it - This was something i needed to work on way before Mike died. The fact that Mike died made the process of getting the help i needed for it quicker.
• Getting to know L&D better - Before Mike died, we weren't really big friends. After Mike's death, we were able to get together more and learn about each other more.
• Taking interest in my garden - This is becoming more of a therapy than i expected. i actually go out weeding and worry about all my plants

Therapy exercise 1 - What i miss since Mike died

So one of the things Sandy wanted me to do over the next week, was to come up with a list of all the things i miss since Mike's death. i figured i would start now, and when other stuff came up, i would edit it in later. (these are in no specific orders)

• Intimacy - The feeling of knowing what the other person was feeling and knowing that there was someone who could tell what i was feeling. The feeling of being able to just be me.
• Sex - should be self explanatory.
• Being a couple - Being a single sucks. Going to events alone. Being the only single in a group of couples sucks.
• Rules - Having a set of thing to do, ways to act, things to accomplish that i don't have to think up all on my own
• Going to events - Since Mike died, it is harder for me to go to events, especially since i go as a single person now.
• Reminders - Being able to blame Mike if i don't do what i need to do

being in pieces

So today was therapy day. Yuck. i couldn't help but cry. i didn't intend to. i don't know what i thought would happen. i knew we were going to be talking about the 17th, and how i handled it. i even brought my written journal with me to show Sandy. She wanted me to read it to her. i couldn't, and i broke down.

The rest of the hour was me trying not to cry, and not being very successful at it, and Sandy reminding me, that it was a safe place to do it, and a good time to go for it. Still, i fought it. i just didn't want to cry any more. i thought i was done with it for the month. i thought i was "over it". i was wrong. Even now tears are streaming down my face.

i am still so angry about His dying. i am still so angry about not being able to go and visit where His ashes were buried. i am still so angry about not knowing the results of the autopsy. i am still so angry with the way some people in the "community" handled His death and their needs. i am still so angry with all the lies i knew He told me. i am still so angry finding out all the truths He hid from me. i am angry He left me. i am angry i am alone to raise the MIT. i am angry i can't even listen to His explanations. i am angry about loosing a part of me when He died.

And i am sad. i am sad, sad, sad, sad. i don't like feeling sad. There isn't a "reason" around being sad. There is a "reason" around being angry. i just can't justify being sad. my brain just doesn't compute it. But sad is what i feel. So i guess i have to get used to it. i guess i have to get used to feeling sad. At least for a little while.

i made it to the other side?

So i survived last weekend. i cried a lot. i wrote a lot. That was about it.

i did what Sandy suggested. i kept my written journal with me all day. i kept writing in it. Little thoughts. Depressing thoughts. Anything that came to mind was written down. There was talking to Mike. There was talking to myself. i haven't read it since i wrote it. i don't know if i will.

What surprised me, looking back now, is how i was acting. i spent most of the day sitting on the floor. i didn't sit on the couch, or on a chair. i was either lying on my bed, lying outside, or sitting on the floor. i was sitting on the floor where i would have if He was here. i didn't even realize it at the time. It took until Sunday, after picking up the MIT, before i realized it.

This week has been hard. Still no nursing. Add in a sick kid. Add in no karate. That all totals too much time with my son LOL. i am tired. i am stressed. i am concentrating more on Him than on me. That is always a worry as far as Sandy is concerned. i know she is right. i need to spend time on me. Without the nursing, i just can't. With His being sick, i just can't. i guess that is what Sandy meant when she said she didn't think i would be able to let myself go crazy.

Today is the anniversary of Mike's funeral. Today we (P&E, D, H&D, Sis) were in Seeley's Bay (well close enough). Today we were listening to "Live Like You were Dying" by Tim Mcgraw. Today we listened to the Minister explaining that she didn't have all her notes and passages to read. Today we saw His truck again, but it had a car seat in it. Today we watched the box carrying His ashes. We didn't go to the cemetery. We did see people leaving the cemetery for a fire call. Today we were the only family of His that cried.

Today, i am enjoying the sun. Today i am enjoying the quiet of my house. Today i will be BBQ'ing steaks and burgers to put away. Today i am keeping an eye on the races. Today i am tired and stressed and ready to do as little as possible. Today i am planning for the week. Today i am just being me. It is nice to finally take time for myself.

Time for a reality check

Time for me to list all the things that make me happy. i think it is a perspective i really need right now.

• Spending mornings with the MIT watching TV series on DVD.
• Cuddles with the MIT.
• Figuring out what plants to put in my house, garden, and boxes.
• The way my family supports me.
• The way my friends support me.
• Spending time with my family (yes even if we fight a bit).
• Spending time with my friends (all of you. P&E, L&D, S, D&H, B).
• Playing with kids in the neighbourhood.
• The green in my house.
• Keeping my house somewhat clean and in order.
• Sleeping with Splotchy, My Baby Bear, Elli, Hippo, and Eeyore.
• Rocks.
• Flowers.
• Knowing that i am taking my meds every day, and when i am supposed to.
• Actually cooking (i know, this hasn't been one for a very long time).
• Sunshine (that is why i am opening my blinds every day).
• Making my bed every day.
• BBQ'ing.
• Lighting candles.
• The look on the face of the MIT when He finds out i will be letting Him stay up late to see a movie.
• The MIT hugging me and jumping up and down when He is happy.
• Looking at pictures of Mike.

So, yes, even in this time of grief, i can find things that make me happy. i have to hold on to these. It is a tool. i know that. i just have to remember it. It is hard. The grief feels so overwhelming. Remembering what makes me happy, or feel good on the inside, is hard to find sometimes. This morning, i needed to remind myself.

Still lost

Yesterday was hard. i was going to go to my Mom's for dinner, made and served by my Sis. This was to be the first Mother's Day i hadn't spent alone. The plan was great. i was even excited about it. Then it was getting time to go.

i felt it. my chest tightening. my breathing quicken. Sweat breaking out on my forehead. Feeling overly warm. The panic attack. i wasn't going to let it stop me. i needed to be able to do this. i needed to be able to leave the house. i needed to push myself past it. So out the door i go. Ready to spend dinner at the folk's place.

As i pulled up to the stop light, i see my Dad, with the MIT. i back up and head home, with them following behind me. i guess my Dad was overly frustrated with the MIT. my brain changed. i was in Mommy mode. i took charge. i took the MIT into the house and sent my Dad home. i called my sister and let her know what was going on. i got the MIT calmed down. i called my Mom and told her we were on our way.

i fixed everything. i got my act together quickly. That is the effect the MIT has on me. It is a "have to" situation (yes Sandy i can hear you groaning now). It is a time when how i feel, where my brain and heart are, have to shut off. It used to last long enough that i could just turn it all off for weeks. It isn't like that anymore.

By the time i got home, i was back in that lost, high anxiety place. i was back to thinking and feeling. Not good thoughts. Feelings are neither good or bad. i was and am back to being lost in grief.

From all i have learned from therapy, is to go with the feelings. Let myself feel them. They will pass. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like i am drowning in them. It feels like they will overcome me and send me into a spiral.

Today i have a meeting. i don't know if i will be able to function at this meeting. i don't even care if i do.

Dear Sir

It is only a week away. One week before the anniversary of Your death. i am reliving the pain and the hurt. i am reliving the grief. i keep reading our emails from back then. i keep reading the histories from our conversations leading up to that day. i keep reading the emails from friends from after that day. i keep reading emails from Bev from after that day. i don't want it to be real. i need it to be anything but real.

2 years ago we were so proud of the MIT. We were all going, as a family to the "Yes I can" awards. Our family. You, me, the MIT, my Mom and my Dad and my Sister and my Nana. The family You chose to spend Your time with. 2 years ago, Mother's Day was a celebration of Your upcoming birthday. 2 years ago, we were together, working on us, being us. 2 years ago, i was happy, i was alive, i was who i am supposed to be. i was Yours.

i am no one's. i am not submissive. i am not me. You made me feel like a person. i don't feel like that with You gone. i am a ghost, a shell. i am empty and alone. i need You so much right now. All i have of You is stuff. Not You. Just stuff. Meaningless stuff.

No arms to wrap around me. No sound of Your voice in my ear. No feel of Your body next to mine. No hand wrapped in my hair. No one to call when i need to feel myself again. No one to put me in my place. No one to calm me. No touch that sends me to my knees. No one that calls me Theirs. No one to lean against, to kneel at Their feet.

i am still Yours. In my heart i still belong to You. i still feel Your collar around my neck. i still wait for You to come in the door. i still look for You when i am with our friends. i still sit at Your feet watching TV. i still wait for You to come to me in the backyard in the middle of the night. i still want Your mark on my skin.

i haven't forgotten all the bad. i still remember that too. The lies still hurt. The finding out more lies still hurts. The knowing You couldn't or wouldn't stop hiding things from me. It is all still there, but it doesn't matter. i would take all the lies, all the hurt, all the pain of trying to work things out if You were just here.

When is it all going to be ok for me? When is May not going to suck so much? When will i be able to look at the coming day and not burst into tears from the pain of You leaving me so alone? When will it stop hurting so much?

Your slut. Your submissive.
lyxanna{TZ}

10 more days

i am now at the realization that what i am feeling is not sleep deprived, but actually depressed. Deeply depressed. Curl up in a ball, hide from the world, and loose myself depressed. i have been thinking of taking stuff to kill how i am feeling. Drinking, taking drugs, anything to stop feeling.

i am trying to do what i can to not fall so deep into the hole in front of me. i open the blinds every day to let what sun there is, in the house. i get dressed and make my bed every day. i cook every day. i keep up on dishes and laundry. Anything so i can avoid what i am feeling. Yeah, back to old patterns.

i just don't want to feel the gaping hole in my heart and head. i don't want to keep crying myself to sleep. i want to pretend that this isn't a bad month. i want to block all the hurt and pain. i just don't want to feel right now.

Beltaine and May

Tonight is Beltane. Tomorrow is May. i can't wrap my head around celebrating the coming of May, especially with it being focusing on fertility. i just can't go there.

It will be two years ago that Mike passed, on the 17th. i am missing Him a lot right now. i can tell you what happened on this night 2 years ago. i can tell you what was going on each day in May, including the day He died, and the day after He died. After that, things are a blur.

i thought i could handle May better this month. i thought May wouldn't be so hard. Instead i am sitting here, dreading the beginning of May. Crying my eyes out because He still isn't here. i just feel so lonely without Him.

Content....sort of

This weekend was great. It was relaxing, and enjoyable, and full of friends and fun.

Saturday was P's party. E finally pulled of a surprise for Him. First it was dinner at Tucker's, then going to a decorated house for cake and presents. There were 13 of us at dinner. L&D with M&S, me, Sh, K&B, and of course P&E with C&T, plus Br. Back at the house H&D, and LL did all the decorating. Other than Sh, who had plans that evening, we all headed back to the streamer and balloon filled house. P did really well on the gift front. Underwear with Jesus on the butt, a fisting pen, a whip, Reeces Peanut butter cups, books, CD's. He raked it in.

Saturday was good for me also. i actually spent time with everyone. i didn't back out. i enjoyed being around everyone again. Yes it helped that i wasn't the only single person there. That actually helped a lot. i feel weird being around people that are couples sometimes. i end up feeling lonely. Saturday i didn't. i did have a bit of an issue being surrounded by so many Doms. i almost asked if i could have a smoke. It was also comforting being around that many Doms. There was a feeling of peace inside me i miss. i easily would have curled up at K's feet, or L's. P's feet were covered by LL and E.

Sunday was also nice. i picked up the MIT and we went and spent more of His birthday money. He got a new game for His Nintendo DS, and a new CD. It was nice being with Him. Unfortunately, He is also sick. We ended up spending all day today together, and will again tomorrow. Still, with Him being sick, He is quite cuddly and easy going. Once He starts to feel better, He will be more difficult to get along with. That will be my cue to send Him back to school.

Tonight, the MIT is already in bed, and i am soon to follow. It is too cold to sit outside and read. Maybe tomorrow night will be better. Then again, i can always start a little fire in my BBQ. Hmmmm, which to do?

Weekend off

Last night, there was no beeping. Last night was quiet and comfortable. Last night was all to myself. That is right, the MIT is away this weekend.

Today will be filled with slow moving. Today will be filled with no running around to do. All i have to do is be one place, and it is a place i will enjoy. Other than that, today is a lazy, do nothing, listen to whatever i want, no MIT asking what to do. Today is all about me lounging and being me.

P made it to His birthday. i didn't know exactly how much i was dreading the 17th, until i was able to call Him and wish Him a happy birthday on the phone on the 18th. Clouds lifted, and i was calm.

The MIT is....volatile. You never know what MIT you are going to get. He is taking His punishment like a man, with little to no arguing. Giving Him a choice of what chore to do, has been the best idea. He has actually been looking forward to it. It is weird. At least my patio furniture is clean, and so is my back yard. i wonder what to give him come Monday and Tuesday.

Well, breakfast has been eaten. Meds have been taken. Time to go and have a nice bath, and read in the tub i think. Once the sun is fully up, i will be sitting on my patio, reading and enjoying the quiet. A nice spring day to relax to.

Hmmmm......

i feel like i have something to write about, but can't put my finger on what exactly. It is like a post is brewing, but hasn't reached my conscious brain to actually become a reality.

Sunday would have been Mike's and my 7th Collaring anniversary. It would have also been our 8 1/2 year anniversary.

This time of year brings up lots of anniversaries and events. 7 years since the DSSG group started our monthly play parties. P's 50th birthday is coming up, on Saturday to be exact. Exactly one month prior to Mike's birthday, although Mike was older.

i seem a little lost in my brain today. Not depressed, but lost. Lost in memories. Lost in "what-ifs". Lost in "what-nows". Lost in what happens next.

i am still making plans to do more in the "community". i am going to the mixer again this month. i have made possible plans with L to go to an event. i have made possible plans with L&D to go to the craft fair. Making plans are good. Feeling lost in my brain, in memories, not such a good thing. i know, just go with the flow, and let myself feel, what i feel, when i feel it.

So this is me just going with the flow. Not knowing what my posts are actually going to be about, and just typing out stuff. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but making plans. Feeling what i feel, as i feel it, even if it isn't very pleasant.

i need something sunny here

On Ostara, i transplanted all my house plants. i put them all in bigger pots. i separated some that lived in the same pot. i worked with the dirt and i was hoping to give them better life.

So far, all the plants are doing well. Really well. i am proud of their progress. my Christmas Cactus is growing new stuff. my ivy has new shoots all over the place. my violets are not flowering, but the greenery is doing much better. The one plant i was really worried about was my shamrock. It is a funny plant.

The shamrocks grow out of the pine cone like pods. When i transplanted it, i was worried i had killed it. It is over 17 years old. It has survived an infestation of fruit flies. It has survived my Dad and Sis not watering it. i can officially say it has survived the transplant. New growth abounds. New little 3 leaf shamrocks are growing from the dirt. It is doing really well.

Ok, that is my little bit of sunshine. A not so yucky post. i need that both here, and in my life.

Here is some of my sunshine :

MIT's anger and abuse

my options are shrinking. As the MIT gets more and more violent to himself, and speaks more and more about killing Himself, i have, what it seems to be only two options.

1. Try to keep Him as safe from Himself as possible, listen to Him, and console Him as best i can until the referral to a psychiatrist pans out
2. The next time He starts to hurt Himself and talking about wanting to die, i call 911 and get Him to the hospital for emergency evaluation and drugs.

Two options. Only two. i am trying to do the first option. i am trying to protect Him from Himself. The problem is, He is progressing to making plans. He is starting to think about what He wants to do to Himself to die. That means the depression is worse. His hurting Himself is more creative, and getting worse. He managed to scrape the skin off His knuckles by rubbing His fist on the carpet as i was trying to keep Him from hitting Himself in the head. He is also doing that more. Beating on His own temple in anger.

His anger is more also. He comes home angry every day after school. He wakes up angry every day. He gets angry at the smallest thing. His anger is getting out of control. All i can do, is talk Him threw it. Wait for Him to calm down and stay out of His way, unless He starts to hurt Himself again.

i am loosing myself in His depression. i am loosing confidence in my ability to be a Mom. i am loosing confidence in being able to make Him happy. i am questioning every decision i have ever made. i am questioning every decision i am trying to make now.

i don't know how to handle this. If He is in need of drugs, then it means a hospital stay. One long enough to make sure that the drugs do not affect His AHC. i am going to have to battle to keep Him being Him, and not some zombie that is too drugged to think. i don't know if i have that in me. i know, selfish reasoning, but it is still there.

i want to wait it out. i want to wait for the help to arrive. i want to fix it for Him. i want to make Him believe in Himself as much as i believe in Him.

Needed

i needed Tuesday night. i finally quit asking why, once i called P. He reminded me that why didn't matter. i needed that reminder. i needed to just feel, and to just go with the feelings, and let them come out. i had forgotten that. Sandy will be proud tomorrow. She will be proud i called a friend for help. She will be proud i eventually let go of the why. Heck, i am proud.

Yes i actually reached out for help. Yes i took the advice. For those, i am proud.

Other than that, today is a beautiful day. It is sunny out. It is 7 degrees outside. i am going to be cleaning up the back patio, and maybe the back garden. Man i really want a little gate on my patio so i can easily access my back yard. Oh well. That takes money i don't currently have. Heck, may never have. i have decided this year i am actually going to work on the garden part. i am actually going to put up "fencing" or a strong boarder around where i am putting the garden. i may only be able to do that, since money is so tight, but at least that will get done. i want my garden to be an oasis for me. Some place i want to spend lots of time and energy.

i am glad the sun and warmth is out. i need that too.

Why tonight?

Why am i missing Him so much tonight? Why are tears running down my face? Why tonight? There is no trigger. Nothing happened differently today. So why tonight? i feel so empty. i feel so alone. i miss Him so completely tonight. i want Him here. i want to be held by Him. i want to smell Him. i want to hear His voice. God i can't even remember what He sounded like. Why this rush of sadness? Why these tears? Why this panic that nothing will work out for me? Why this feeling that i will continue to be alone? i was His damn it. i belonged. i was owned. i was loved. i feel like nothing tonight. i feel empty and alone. i feel like no one will ever want me. i feel like i am set adrift without anyone to catch me. With Him, He would always catch me. There is no one to catch me. No one to want and desire me. No one will ever want me again. i am tainted because i was His. Not in a bad way, but He put on such a front for everyone, that He is hard to live up to. Even in my head. i want Him here so badly. i want to feel His arms around me. i don't want to sleep alone anymore. i don't want to be alone anymore. God i want Him back. i want His collar. i want His love. i want Him. i need Him. But why tonight? Why all this emotion tonight? i just don't understand. i don't know why tonight.

MIT's birthday

Well, yesterday was officially the MIT's birthday. It started out good, but went down hill from there. See, birthdays mean change. Change and the MIT don't get along. He like routine and predictability. Changing ages is a change. Having a special day, like a birthday is a change in routine. The other problem, is He just turned 16. Usually that means the prospect of a driver's license. Not for the MIT, and He knows it. So really, this birthday is more a let down for Him, than a celebration. So keeping all that in mind, you can predict some of what happened.

First was His waking up to me singing. He didn't like that. Then there was my Sis showing up singing to Him. We kept the rest of His routine normal. No point upsetting the basket anymore than it had to be. He came home in a mood though.

He was mad that everyone said "happy birthday" to Him. He was mad that His EA's wrote "happy birthday" in His communication book. He was mad it was His birthday. He was mad that things weren't normal. He didn't want dinner. He didn't eat all His lunch. He didn't want to sit in the living room. He did what He is allowed to do, when He is upset. He went to His room and watched some of His new movies and calmed down.

While He was doing that, i kept up my end of His birthday celebration. i ordered in Swiss Chalet. i made sure He knew i was doing so. i let Him take His time in calming down. i ate dinner alone after asking Him if that was ok. i made sure there was dinner for Him when He was ready.

It took until 6:30 before He emerged from His room. He came and cuddled with me and we got to talking about what was happening at that time 16 years ago. We talked about how long it took me to go into labour. We talked about when i was rushed into surgery. We talked about how He didn't want to be born and they had to pull Him out of me. He really liked hearing that. We called my parents to find out, from them, what they were doing at that time. He got to hear all about that day 16 years ago. We even looked threw His baby book together. At 7:20, we were watching Charmed, and He saw His watch and said "I am born now". It was really cute.

This morning was much better. This morning was back to His normal. No surprises. No changes. Same old, same old. He likes that much better.

i am just glad He made it to 16. Hopefully we have a few more birthdays left.

Spring is here?

Today feels like spring. It rained this morning, and is calling for more rain later, but right now it is sunny and 14. i have shovelled the last of the snow and dead leaves from my back patio. i have as many windows open that i can. There is the smell of rotting leaves and wet grass floating into my house. Some would say it is a yucky smell, but after so much snow, it smells great.

Yes i know, there is snow in the forcast, but right now it is spring.

Healing, following, living, and celebrating

Saturday was a busy day. It turned into a nice and quiet night. It was a good day.

First L&D showed up with their kids and we had a good exchange. L and i are going through a lot of the same things with our children. We both have to deal with a child that is having a difficult time liking themselves. It was nice for me to hear that someone else is dealing with the same problems. i think it was the same for her. We decided that the issue (what ever it was) 6 months ago, isn't worth ruining our friendship over, mainly because neither of us can remember what it was really about. That was a relief. i didn't want to loose them from my life. They are important to me. Both the grownups and the kids. It was also nice to hear that both the MIT and i are important to them as well, and that they understand that the MIT is getting worse and that doesn't bode well for the future.

Watching the MIT and their girls was wonderful. Watching the MIT and them interact was just as fun. He gets so animated with D. It was nice to see Him show off in front of people again. It was nice to see the MIT's nice side.

After they left, including the MIT, it was quiet time for me. i enjoyed setting up all my candles for light and heat during the 1 hour of lights out for the celebration of the earth, and conservation of resources. Once 8:00 came. i had already had the computer shut off, the microwave, can opener, toaster unplugged, and my candles lit to light and heat the house. It was nice in that hour. i actually used the time to meditate.

Overall, Saturday was a good day. It was a relief to reconnect with L&D. We are making plans to see each other again soon. The night was enjoyable also. The quiet and time to meditate is something i might do again next Saturday. It was a great day.

Today it is time to celebrate the MIT turning 16. i remember a time when it was hard to picture Him turning 3, or 6, or 13. To picture Him turning 16 was a far off goal. He has made it. He will be 16 tomorrow. Yes we are struggling with Him not being able to learn how to drive. Yes He is angry about it not happening. Yes it is something else He has to struggle with. We will survive it.

i can't wait for Him to see what i got Him. He is going to be really excited. i used all my income tax refund to buy Him a Nintendo DS, a case for it, and a game. He picked out His own cake, and is really excited about it. The family is getting together, as per usual, and having pizza. Tomorrow, on His actual birthday, we are going to have a small celebration of our own. We are ordering in Swiss Chalet, i am getting another cake, and we are going to sit around and watch whatever He wants.

MIT

i am having a really hard time with the MIT. His depression is really getting to me. i can't fix it. All i can do is wait for the referral to go through, and hope He survives until then. On top of the depression, is His decline in stability, ability to walk, and having more bad days than good. i am His mother. i should be able to fix it. Yeah, right, like i have a magic wand or something.

Yesterday He came home so angry from karate. He was mad because He was given His second stripe on His blue belt. You would think that was a good thing. Not for Him. He doesn't think He deserves it. His self loathing is really bad right now. He couldn't hear me tell Him how proud i was that He was using His words and not His fists. Even today He couldn't hear how proud i was of Him. Feeling pride means liking something about yourself. He doesn't have that right now.

We are back to watching Charmed. It is a nice time for us to sit and laugh and cuddle and connect. He hates Himself so much, He wants the character "Leo" to heal Him. Tonight He called Himself a "half demon". i don't know if watching Charmed is such a good idea anymore.

Yesterday was also the first time in over a month that He actually walked off the school bus. His communication book did say that He lost a side in the morning. That is every day for the last 2 months. Every day when His body lets Him down. Every day when He has to rely on His chair or someone helping Him. Easter weekend was difficult. He went full blown for most of it. His physical abilities are letting Him down, and are progressing downward. It is like watching His body die. The reality is, that is actually what is going to happen. He is going to die. i am going to outlive my son.

i don't know how to help Him, other than listen, make sure His surroundings are safe, and tell Him i am proud of Him, even when He doesn't want to hear it, or can't hear it. i just get to sit and wait it out with Him. Wait for some professional to help the two of us get to the other side.

What about Saturday

Well, as the title suggests, this post is about Saturday night. The night i actually went out to a play party. Yes i actually did go to the party. Yes i did have fun. Yes i did get played with. Yes i had a good time. Yes i am proud of myself for going.

my only issues was after the play. i ended up going home right after. It wasn't any body's fault. i just was looking for Mike after. i was looking for Him to put His hand around my face. To press my face into His hand and feel and smell His skin holding the breath from my lungs. Yes i dropped. i think that was part of the problem. i felt the need for Him to be there. He wasn't there.

i know it is something i need to get used to. i know it will take time. i am not giving up on me. i just know i couldn't hang around there any longer, waiting for Him to come up to me and make sure i was ok, or watch over me, or keep me from breathing, or rub my ass and enjoy how warm it was. i just couldn't stay there feeling like that. So i came home. i squeezed my face into His pillow. i wrapped my arms around Splotchy. i cried because i miss Him. And then i went to sleep.

A long Thursday

Yes it was a long day. It all started at 5:30 am and didn't stop until 11:30 pm.

First it was getting the MIT off to school. Then groceries. No big deal. Just an hour out of my life i can never get back. Then it was time to shower and get dressed professionally. Meeting at the school. Meeting with my therapist. Home to the MIT. Then He was off to a pot luck dinner at church (Maunday Thursday). Then, i did something i haven't done in a very long time.

i went to the Hamilton Mixer all by myself.

i am really proud of myself. i went at the beginning and didn't leave until after 10:00. i talked to people i hadn't met before. i talked to people i haven't seen in a long time. i enjoyed myself. i am also proud with the way i handled the arrival of the two people, that really made my life miserable after Mike died. i felt my heart beat faster, and my breathing increase, but then i just breathed deep, and continued my night. i didn't go up to them, and i didn't avoid them on purpose. i just pretended they weren't there. They left before i did. i am really proud of the fact that i didn't panic and that i didn't run out of there, letting them take away a great night.

So yeah. i am proud of myself. i am proud i did everything i had to yesterday. i am proud i handled the meeting at the school. i am proud i went to therapy after. i am proud i went out last night.

This is me smiling and glowing

38 and more

i am now 38 years old. Well, officially i turned 38 yesterday. i had a good birthday.

Sunday was the family get together. i got all the seasons of Charmed. i got money. i got a necklace. i got an Eeyore with a star, and another Eeyore mug. The mug and little stuffed Eeyore were from the MIT. my Mom said He picked it out all by Himself. The money was good. It was enough for the MIT and i to go out to dinner last night. Charmed, well, the MIT and i are back to watching it again, every chance we get.

Yesterday was the dinner with the MIT at the Mandarin. He didn't eat much. He only had a bowl of soup and 2 special drinks. One red (strawberry freeze) and one green (lemon and lime freeze). i, of course, ate from the buffet. Luckily i read everything before picking it to add to my plate. They had a dish called cashew shrimp. Nope, didn't have any. Didn't even have the either of the dishes beside it. i just couldn't take the chance.

Today is the anniversary of when Mike was diagnosed with lung cancer. It is weird how much i missed Him yesterday. i kept expecting a card, or for Him to show up with flowers. i went with how bad i was missing Him, and you know what? i am ok today. i am not depressed. i am not in a hiding mood. i am ok.

Tomorrow i take the MIT to His therapist. The doctor has made a referral to a psychiatrist. His depressing has been suppressed all these years, but it is still there, and time to make something happen.

Thursday is therapy day. It is also a meeting at the school day. i will be able to fit them both in. That isn't the problem. Actually i can't think of a problem with it. It will be nice to talk to Sandy after the meeting. A way of getting my frustrations out without turning them towards anyone, or anything. Then again, getting mad does help with the house cleaning.

Thursday night i am going to the Hamilton Mixer. i haven't been there in ages. i was scared of going because of who i might run into (L&A). i am not scared anymore. They can't hurt me more than Mike's death did. They are nothings.

Saturday i am going to Endorphins. Yes i am actually going to a party. Again, i haven't been there in ages. i just have no idea what to wear. i feel like going out and buying something new. i won't. i will wear something i like. i know i will probably get a bit of a spanking from one person. We will see how that goes. Apparently i owe her LOL. Or is it that she owes me. Either way, i will be making the most of the night.

Ok, off to get some actual sleep. The MIT had a noisy night.

Today, and tomorrow

Today it is 4 years since i started to journal/blog online. i haven't moved most of my posts from my old blog yet. i don't know if i will. i started blogging on blogger, to hide from people after Mike's death. i didn't want them to follow me. i have stopped hiding. i have shown where my blog is, if people are really interested in finding it. i am not hiding this blog. i am living it.

Today is the celebration of my upcoming birthday with my family. Today at 3:00, i will be at my parent's house, opening presents, eating cake (no chocolate), thanking my parents, my Nana, my son, and my Sis. Today i will be eating sweet and sour meatballs with rice.

Today is the last day of my alone weekend. Today i pickup the MIT and we are back to normal. Today i have caught up on all my sleep. Today i feel better than i did in the past week. Today i have figured out that the loss of Leslie doesn't change how i look at the MIT. i still see Him as a success. i still see Him as talented. i still see all His accomplishments. i will continue to see Him accomplish many things. He is growing up, and i will continue to enjoy that. i will also enjoy each moment in His life, so that when He dies, i will have happy, pleasant, and pride-filled memories.

Tomorrow is my actual birthday. The MIT and i were going to go out for dinner. That isn't going to happen. i have $40 to my name, need to buy gas, need to get some groceries and probably some smoke. The $40 has to last me until the 20th. Like that is going to happen. But it must, so no special dinner for just the MIT and i on my actual birthday. i will be turning 38.

Tomorrow the MIT is back at school, and i can get more sleep. Tomorrow life gets back to our old routine. Tomorrow my "normal" returns.

Still processing

i am still processing the death of Leslie, and why it is throwing me for such a loop. i guess the idea that i will outlive my child (forgoing car accident, death by illness or anything like that). It is hard to wrap my head around, even though i have had to continually process the idea for his entire life.

The MIT and i talked about His funeral again. We talked about how He isn't going to die until He is 200. We talked about how everyone will be made to wear a red top and green pants. There will be no balloons or flowers, He hates those. There will be rap music. He wants Mike Myers to be there, dressed like Shrek and "Fat B", combined. We talked about me crying, and being more upset about His dying than Mike's (He needed to hear that), because i have known Him longer. We talked about who else He wants to be there. We talked about His now wanting a "big box" rather than a "little box". He even knows who He wants to do the service.

The talk was done in a light manner. He kept asking how old i would be when He dies at 200 (222 for the record), and how old everyone else would be.

He is so fascinated by the idea that in heaven, He won't have AHC anymore. How it would be so much better than now. i won't let Him read the announcement or any of the other emails because of this. People keep sending their condolences and saying how much better it is for Leslie since she won't be suffering any more. i just don't see that as being the MIT.
Yes He struggles, and yes He gets frustrated, but He isn't suffering. He is living. He is thriving. He is exploring His world more. He is showing His need for Independence more.

This weekend, He is going to respite. i will have 2 nights of sleep. i need this weekend to ponder and process. i need this time to figure out how Leslie's death is really making me feel. i need this time to really look at my expectations for the MIT over the next few years. i need this time to decide if i want to start "fixing" the MIT, so He can be here longer, or if i just deal with one crisis at a time, and live each day for itself. Processing is the key to this weekend.

Another one dead

This entry deserves a space of its own, so that is why i am posting it now.

Another "kid" with AHC has died. She was the oldest living person with AHC. She was 44 years old. She had a sever seizure, that left her unconscious until she died. Her body lived 1 week after the seizure, never waking up. She was from Montreal. She was what all parents of kids with AHC had looked to as a "bright light" and a chance at a future for our kids. She is gone now.

i never met her. Either has the MIT. It still feels like someone in our family has died.

A pat on the back for me

i actually turned down meeting someone next weekend, because i have already made plans. i am proud of myself. Especially after the reaction i got when i said no.

It is one thing for someone to say that they want to play with you, meet you, spend time with you, and can see it being a more than once thing. It is another thing to then say, when turned down for another commitment, that they won't be able to even consider meeting me, until late June / early July. Hmm, lets look at this. They want to meet me on the 22nd, and they want to be able to see me again, but they won't be available until after summer has started to do that. i don't think so.

Yes i would have liked to have set up a meeting with this someone. Yes he intrigued me. No, i am not cancelling my plans. No, i am not going to drop everything to meet someone i have never met before over people i have known much longer.

Pout all you want. Try to make me feel guilty. It isn't going to work, and i am not going to let my integrity be challenged for someone i don't really know.

March Break

i am back to not getting much sleep. The MIT has been off school since Friday. i did have a break Saturday night (thanks Mom and Dad), but that is it. Yesterday i made sure i had stuff to do around the house so i could keep myself up. Dishes, laundry, easy cleaning stuff. Today has been the same. i can't remember the last time i did dishes 2 days in a row, along with laundry 2 days in a row. Everything is caught up. Hopefully i will dirty some dishes between now and tomorrow, so i can look forward to doing that.

i did get some happy news yesterday. my summer is looking up. Well, it was. Then i got to remembering. Remembering and looking through pictures. i have to keep reminding myself that remembering is ok. It isn't the end of the world. Lack of sleep and remembering sucks. i know i have pictures somewhere from 2003, and 2002. i just can't find them. i want them. i want to look at them and remember more. i just can't find them. i didn't have a digital back then. He did. i don't have a CD of His that has those memories on them. i remember having my film camera back then. i thought i had taken pictures with that camera. i can't find them. Maybe the film is lost. i can't remember that part.

i am stuck in memory mode, with the MIT home and His being bored all the time. i am broke since buying His birthday gift. i still haven't had a chance to get together with my friends to clear up the misunderstanding. i am feeling very stuck.

Being OK is actually OK

Today was therapy day. It was a good session. When Sandy asked how i was, i came right out and said that i was OK. i am getting used to being OK. i am dreading a time when i am not so OK, but i am enjoying being OK right now. Sandy is happy for me. She also understands that i am prepared for not being OK. She assured me that i do have the tools for when i am not OK. That was nice to hear.

We talked about how i didn't get depressed over being lied to by some guy. i didn't get depressed over the issues surrounding the MIT and school, or His cutting. i didn't get manic either. i didn't hurt myself. i cleaned. i danced around the house. i was OK.

We also talked about the MIT. Guess what. She agrees He is depressed, and wants me to push His seeing a psychiatrist. Duh. He has been depressed for a number of years. He hates Himself. The new acting out (cutting and hitting Himself) are just a progression of His depression. i had already decided to push His seeing someone more than just His Beth. Stuff is getting to the point that i don't think she can handle it. It was nice hearing Sandy back me up in how i have been feeling about the MIT. She also reassured me that with the tools that i have, i am doing the best for my son.

Right now it is snowing. i am enjoying watching it fall. It keeps flipping from giant, fluffy flakes, to the small, drizzly kind. i know a lot of people are sick of the snow and miss the sun. i have been getting my sun when it is out. i stand out side, basking in it. i open all my blinds and let it shine in the windows. i am also surrounding myself with flowers of the spring. Tulips on my alter. A pot of daffodil bulbs on my kitchen table. i have been keeping my green stuff healthy. All 4 plants on my file cabinet. 2 plants on my desk. 2 plants above my TV. 4 plants in my kitchen. i feel better when i am surrounded by green and colour.

i am also looking forward to the MIT's 16th birthday. i got my income tax back, and i am going to splurge and get Him a Nintendo DS. i had thought about a Wii, but i doubt He would play it as much as the DS. i am also looking forward to my birthday. The MIT has decided that we are going to the Mandarin for my birthday dinner. i know He has already gotten my gift. He did it when i was at therapy. It will be a good time.

Soon to be 38, and still counting. That is remarkable in its own right, considering how suicidal i have been.

Keeping busy

So, i am trying not to eat when i shouldn't. i am having trouble not eating once i eat a meal. After lunch has been really hard. i am craving chocolate, cake, sweets, meat, cheese, food, food, and more food. i could so go out to the store, even now, to just buy chips, or chocolate, or anything at this point. So i am trying to keep busy instead.

Shovelling has been done. Dishes have been done. Laundry is being done. Vacuuming of the MIT's room has been done. Tidying my room has been done. i am now out of things to do.

i can't go lie down, since the MIT is home. That is my other avenue to keep me from eating. Sleeping. Reading makes me want to snack. Even sitting here makes me want to chow down on something.

i got the munchies, and nothing but will power to fight it.

Still not depressed or manic

i know i have said this before, but it still amazes me. i feel....centered. Things are just copacetic.

i am taking all my meds on time. It feels good to have been doing it for a full month without forgetting. my sticker idea is working. 2 more weeks, and they say it becomes a habit. i will still be keeping up with the stickers in my day planner. It makes my planner look really nice, and pretty, and cool. i really like doing it.

i have been eating better. Well, i was until the weekend. i binged on chinese food and chocolate. It is hard to get back to eating healthier after that. The urges from the meds makes it more difficult. i am craving more food after i have actually eaten. i still struggle with making myself eat, but once food hits my mouth, i want to keep eating until i feel sick from being over full. i really hate this struggle. i have been taking my blood sugars more. They are really showing when i binge.

The drama with Sir_Tony_47 hasn't finished yet. He keeps messaging me on yahoo. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. Apparently the woman i contacted from alt, that he told me was his ex, isn't his ex, and now i have caused trouble between him and her. Ooooops :)

Well, the MIT is now off to school. Time for me to actually get some sleep.

The Conclusion of Sir_T_47

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Tomorrow and today

Tomorrow, the date i was supposed to have, well, i got scammed. The man wasn't who he said he was. i found out before meeting him. He has my address. i was stupid in the fact that i moved to fast, but smart when things he said didn't make sense anymore. i am feeling more stupid than smart. i am feeling more angry at myself than at the liar. Live and learn.

Today was a difficult day. Today the school told the MIT that He is no longer allowed to move around the caffateria and socialize unless He is in His wheel chair. i warned Him yesterday. i caught Him cutting Himself. His cutting came after a lot of Him swearing and yelling in His room.

i didn't want to shame Him. i am a cutter myself. i know that won't help Him stop. He has an appointment with His therapist, but not until the middle of March. He doesn't know what to do with large amounts of emotions. i don't know how to teach Him how to deal with them. i can only come up with plans for Him to follow (like swearing in His room, or punching His pillow) when He feels so overwhelmed.

Yesterday, i decided i needed to brighten up this place. i replaced light bulbs. i bought flowers. i set up my altar to reflect the coming seasonal change.

Isn't it pretty? The morning sun lights it up really nicely. The little leprechaun is a candle and a gift from the MIT last year. i will be burning it this year. The MIT wants me to.

i am not depressed over everything that has happened. That is a good thing. i am not manic. That is also a good thing. i seem to be pretty even keeled right now. It is a little weird. Good but weird. i am more used to being up or down. It is interesting getting used to.

Well, i guess that is all for now. Wish me luck on the weekend if the liar shows up. i do have backup, so i am not that worried. i am just hoping it is over.

The day after

Cleaning the rest of the day did help me settle. The basement got finished. i have a lot of boxes to break down and tie up and put out on garbage day. i don't know if i will be doing that tonight or not. i may need some motivation. i even cleaned out my bedroom and vacuumed and tackled my toy closet. It was totally disorganized. It looks much better today and has been dusted.

Before picture

After picture

It is a sad statement to say i had to dust off my toys. That is how long they haven't been used. One of the reasons for dusting them off, is they will probably be used this weekend.

What else. Tomorrow the MIT has His EEG. He is really worried about it. He is getting to take the whole day off school for it, even though it is in the afternoon. It is likely that He will go full blown, but the hope is He won't. The big van is being taken just in case. All i need is a full blown kid and no wheelchair. Nope, not going to take that chance. i hope He behaves in school today. i don't need another day of Him giving the lunch lady the finger. i do enjoy His 8:00pm bed times though.

How do i feel?

i am either manic, or just want a clean house, or trying to burn off my anger. i am picking number 2 & 3 right now. i am hoping it is not because i am manic. Manic sucks.

The anger is from my meeting at the MIT's school. Seems they have issues with the MIT walking around the cafeteria at lunch time. Seems they have an issue with Him actually socializing with people His own age. Seems they want to stop Him doing it. OK, i get that they are worried about His safety. i get that they don't have the staff they would like for the MIT at lunch time. i get that they have liability issues.

Still, it states in His IEP that some of the goals is for Him to be more social, more independent, use His wheelchair less, walk more, and initiate conversation with others. This is exactly what He is doing. He is socializing. He is talking to others. He is interacting with His peers. He is walking around without being told to do so. He is taking His chair with Him, because He knows He needs it. He is growing-up and now they want to shut Him down.

This is going to hurt Him. He is going to get angry (actually, i broached the subject with Him and He actually said the F word). He doesn't understand. He thinks He did something wrong. He thinks they don't trust Him. He is starting to blame His disability again. He is back to hating who He is. i don't think they really know what this is going to do to Him.

i have fought tooth and nail, and He has grown. He is maturing. He is actually socializing! He is actually making friends! This is a huge step for Him. i just can't believe they are going to take that away from Him.

So now, i am cleaning. i have vacuumed my ceiling (And to whoever invented the popcorn ceiling...i hate you). i have filed my income tax. i have done dishes. i have rearranged stuff in the basement. i have vacuumed my room. Next on my list is dusting and more moving stuff in the basement. Gods i am angry

On to the next guy

i have been talking to a guy over the last few weeks. Little email messages here and there. Last night we had a long talk, both online and on the phone. Turns out to be someone i new 5 years ago. Someone i had a crush on even when i was with Mike. We talked on the computer for 2 hours, then the phone for another 2 hours, and then on the computer for another 2 hours. It was a long night.

He had dropped of the face of the earth when his then wife and him divorced. He went threw a number of submissives since then. He has since been diagnosed with cancer. He is still fighting it. He remembered me, and when he saw my picture, he recognized me and decided to contact me. He didn't let on that he knew me. It took him talking about fireplay for me to realize i might know him. If he had contacted me the way he would have normally done, we wouldn't have ended up talking. i would have brushed him off in a hurry.

So, now, i am having him over for dinner on Saturday. No expectations. Just a hug and a kiss is all we have really talked about. i am excited. This is someone i always wanted to play with. This is someone that i noticed fall off the face of the earth. This is someone i have no concerns saying to my family (extended one) that i am seeing. This is someone i feel comfortable saying i am interested in. This one feels right.

Therapy Day

Yes it was therapy day again today. It was actually good. i had good news to talk about. i had pride in how i handled things last Friday, with the MIT. i had the news about my "date" last Friday. i had the news about how unguilty i have been feeling, and how i am not disecting the good feeling. It was all good. Sandy said i looked lighter. She had never seen me in that kind of mood before. i said it was sad that i haven't been this light before. She said it was a blessing. She said it was a good thing. She is good with the idea of me just riding how i am feeling. She is happy that i am happy. i am happy that i am happy. i don't remember being this happy in a long time. It is a nice feeling, and one i intend to ride as long as my brain and body let me.

i also hit another milestone. my blood sugars are more normal today. The doctor and i increased my one med. She increased it more than i thought, but it seems to be working. That, along with my watching what and when i eat. The only problem with this increase in med, is that it makes me feel more hungry at times when i am not normally hungry. i am back to eating by the clock, and pacing when my brain thinks i am hungry. my only other defense is to sleep. Maybe that is an option. Then again, the point is to also get in more activity, so sleeping more is counter productive.

Other than that, the MIT has been doing well. His meds have also been increased. Since then, He has actually walked off the school bus 2 times this weekend. Yeah! That is 2 times this entire month. That is a big deal. Also, He just came home from karate. He now has a stripe. He hasn't tried for a stripe in like....forever. He actually tried for, and got a stripe. i am sooooooo very proud of him.

Still Good

So i am still not feeling guilty or remorse or even that i made a bad decission. i am impressed with myself. i did not say "sorry" to Mike. i did not ask Him if it was ok. i said "thank You" to Him instead. He didn't hide my keys. He didn't make things go bump. i did feel Him when i went to bed on Sunday morning. i did feel His hand on my face. To me, that was Him saying it was ok. Maybe going out and meeting people is not such a bad idea for me anymore. i know i am not ready for a long term thing. i can't make that big of a move. i am good with what happened on the weekend. i am also good with trying to get out more.

i am still good.

What a weekend

We'll start with Friday. i had a "date" set up for Friday night. my first date since Mike died. my first time with someone other than extended family since Mike died. Those plans were nearly cancelled because of the MIT

The MIT had one of His "passed out, come too, vomit, pass out" episodes. i called the ambulance early. i got Him to the hospital quickly. He scared a bunch of the nurses and doctors. He was in and out of consciousness for over 7 hours. They ran a CT and an ECG and found nothing wrong. His white count was a little high, but they think it is because He actually was having multipule seizures. After the 7 hours, He was back to His regular self. Walked right out of the hospital after having something to eat. We do have followup with His nuerologist. We may be changing His meds. At least He got better in time to go to Rygiel this weekend. That meant my "date" could go as planned

i met the guy on Collar Me. He was supposed to be dominant. Yeah right. He is more a submissive that thinks doming means pleasing the submissive and not himsef. That was fine, especially since i really needed to be "pampered". Let's just say, oral is a good thing. Oral for 3 hours is a good thing. Especially when you are the one receiving it.

To me, it was a nice "date". i got to be pampered and road hard sexually. i needed it. i needed the sexual release. Yes i am feel stiff from muscles barely used in almost 2 years. Other than that, i am feeling much more relaxed. i never new i could orgasm that many times. i never knew i was not just a gusher but a squirter at times. i know...TMI.

i don't know if i will ever see him again. i am inclined not to. i got what i needed, and am ready to move on. i don't want to be with someone that is "that" submissive. i need someone that can hurt me and not feel guilty about it. Yes the sex was good, and well needed, and well deserved, but i don't think i want anything more from him.

Overall, i am a happy camper today. Who knows what will happen next.

Life as a nut

Things have been ok around here. T

The MIT and i are still watching Charmed. We are onto the second season. We should be finished on Thursday. i have no idea when we will be getting the third season, but i know He is looking forward to it. It is a nice family time we spend together. We don't just sit there and watch. We cuddle, we talk about what we are seeing, He uses His imagination and pretends to have magical powers. It is nice. The best time is first thing in the morning, before school, during breakfast. The idea of watching an episode prompts Him into getting dressed and ready for school quickly. No arguing or anything.

i have been doing really well with taking all my meds. i have also started charting my calories. It isn't that i am trying to loose weight, as i am maintaining without even thinking. It is more just so i can see what i am eating and when, and to see if there are healthier choices i could be making.

Well, the MIT just got home, so off i go to that life.....

Sitting and dwelling, and venting

i am sitting here, listening to the sound of the computer hum, and realize there are so many things i want to do.

• i want to start and herb garden in the spring
• i want to buy books on wicca, herbs, and oils
• i want to paint my bathroom
• i want to repot many of my plants as they outgrow their smaller pots
• i want to get a freezer, and actually be able to stock-up on food
• i want to get a Nintendo DS, a Wii, and games, for the MIT for His birthday
• i want to start making things to give people during special occassions

Then i look at my bank account. All i see are little numbers. There are so many things i want to do, but nothing to do them with. Heck, this week i have only enought for tampons (really needed) and waffles for the MIT. After that, nothing for the week after. All that with no money coming in until the 20th. Forget me getting smokes or pop, or anything else that is needed in the house over the next 11 days. At least i have enough bread and ham in the house to be able to send Him to school with lunches.

i am even starting to look around the house for stuff to sell. Yes it is that bad. If only i could get a client, a paying client, booked. Ok, a couple of paying clients. God that would be nice. When will this happen for me?

Other stuff

The MIT and i have been having a fun time watching the first and now second series of Charmed. Yes, Charmed. That weird witch show that first started airing in 1999. It brings back memories and is making more memories.

When the MIT and i watch it, we sit on the couch together, and pause at funny things, share shock at the "guest stars". It is fun to sit there with Him and watch a show we used to watch, and remember what we can about "way back then". The MIT and i have fun watching it, and we connect watching it. It is something that we do together and cuddle together, and enjoy together. We are having fun with it.

i am also remembering when Mike would sit and watch the MIT and i as we watched the show. He knew that the time and day of the show was special for me and MIT and he would sit and watch with us, or go to the bedroom and read. For someone that "turned" wiccan, He sure had a weird reaction to the show. i do remember Him asking me questions about what was real, and what wasn't, what was possible, and what wasn't.

OK, this is sounding jumbled. Time to go.

Lent

So the MIT and i have figured out what we are giving up for lent.

MIT - sushi
me - chocolate

Mixing faiths

On Saturday, i celebrated Imbolc. Also known as Candlemas. i really enjoyed it. i enjoyed setting out the candles to burn all night in my windows, leaving an offering to Bridget (sp), preparing my little altar on Imbolc eve. i really enjoyed taking down my yule wreaths and burning them, lighting the circle of candles on my altar, making goals for the coming year and empowering the candles with the goals and energy to reach them. The most fun i had was walking around in the snow without shoes on, and freezing my son's nurse with having all the doors and windows open for an hour.

Today is Pancake Tuesday. This is one of my Son's celebrations. i have decided this year to be more involved with His traditions, as well as mine. So in that spirit, we are going to pancake dinner at the church i grew up in, and He calls home. Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, and i may even join Him in that. i am actually going to give up some stuff for lent, just as He is. We are going to decide tonight what we are giving up / sacrificing for the next 40 days until Easter (Sundays don't count. Do the math)

You might be asking yourself, how can a woman, that is a solitary practioner, support her Son's need for Christianity. It is easy. It is all about faith. The fact that we both have faith is the main thing. The fact that we practice different "celebrations" and a few phylosophies is of no consiquence. He has always known that i support His, and He is starting to support mine, even if He doesn't quite understand them.

On top of all this, i have other things to "report". He is finally back at school. After 1 week of being off sick, then 2 weeks for exams, and 1 day for a snow day, He is finally back at school. i do have some work to do on the school front, as they have taken Him out of one class, and put Him into gym. Plus, gym is early in the day. This is a forcast for many days of loss of muscle tone for the rest of the school day, and little being accomplished. If gym was even moved to the end of school, the last period, i could handle that. At least then, he would be able to participate in His other classes.

One other good thing. i won a bet and got a one hour massaage. Damn it felt good. It felt nice having someone's hands on me again, even if it was because of a bet. The massage oil we used was a peppermint and eucoliptus blend. It sure drained out the sinuses. It was a nice way to spend an hour yesterday morning.

Snow Day!!!!!!

It is officially a snow day. The MIT was supposed to go to school today, but that has changed because of the weather. School was cancelled. YEAH !!!!!!

Now all i have to hope is that my doctor's appointment isn't cancelled, because i don't know how long i can deal with this pain. This damned cyst is killing me. The antibiotics are killing me. Well, not really killing me, but draining me of energy. The pain is bad when i have to move around. The antibiotics make my stomach feel really bad.

Yeah for no school, but booo if my appointment is cancelled.

Cyst sucks

Who knew that a cyst could take so much energy out of me? Who knew the antibiotic would make my stomach roll so much? Who knew that i would be looking forward to going to the doctor's tomorrow to have a whole put into my body (again) to get gunk taken out of me? i didn't know all this. Now i do.

i have accomplished some stuff, mainly because the MIT is still home, and doesn't return to school until tomorrow. His not going to school during the exam weeks is hard. We have gotten groceries, done running around, used up the last of His Christmas certificates. He has been really good at entertaining Himself. He has been really good at "mothering" me. He makes sure i take my meds on time, and that i lie down on the couch and not move to much. Well, He does until He is hungry. Then i am supposed to jump up and get moving. He is a good boy. i am glad He is my son.

i am actually looking forward to tomorrow. At least then the pressure will be gone, and i may actually be able to move around better.

Here is what happens when i can't sleep

A perfect gift

They come from you,
With little hands and feet.
A cry that says,
The battle, they beat.

Your heart drops hard
When you come to know,
They are not “perfect”.
They may not grow.

For years you fight
And fight in vain.
Perfection now has
A different name

They grow beyond
What others thought.
They gain beyond
Their “given” lot.

But still you watch,
You wait and see.
Your worry continues,
You don’t know when it will be.

The plans have been made.
The ceremony decided.
And still you wait.
And pray.

Reflecting the positive

At my therapy session yesterday, i realized i have done a lot of positive things lately. With my therapist, i used the words "grown-up". The reality is, i actually did things without putting them off longer. i did things in a timely manner, even when it wasn't comfortable for me to do.

1) i found out about gaining power of attorney for the MIT, and found out what i really need is guardian ship, and i don't need to do it until He is 18

2) i confronted friends about how i was feeling, and i was answered in return. Nothing has really be resolved yet, but that is coming.

3) my certificate came in the mail. i have celebrated it, and i will be doing "advertising" once i find out what will happen with OW, if i go into owning my own business

4) i have been taking my meds on my new schedule. It works much better with my sleeping habits and with my eating habits.

5) i am burning sage candles and sage incense again. Mike's favourite type of incense. The smell brings back many memories, and i am embracing them.

6) i handled an incident with the MIT. He hurt me again, and i didn't hurt Him back. i also didn't negotiate a reduction in His punishment, even if it was to get Him eating. i waited Him out, and He is eating again.

7) i told a friend how much i trust them. i told them i am comfortable with them, flirting with them, and don't feel guilty doing so, like i do with others.

8) i have given more of Mike's stuff away. Stuff i didn't need, and that didn't mean so much to me. It is feeling good.

Overall, i have had a pretty good couple of weeks. my weight hasn't changed. i am not trying to loose weight, but i am sure not looking to gain any either. my house is tidy. my plants aren't dying. i also have my room set up for quiet movie time tonight. The re-introduction of the med i had stopped, seems to be helping me not feel so down. i am not manic, but i seem....normal.

i am proud of how i have been lately.

What to do?

He is not eating. He is not sick. He just refuses food. Yesterday and today. Doesn't want to eat. No chocolate, no drink, no tea, no breakfast, no dinner. He is just refusing food. i don't understand. He didn't pee all day yesterday. He has peed this morning. i am worried. Time to call the doctor again.

Pain, and not the good kind

What ever relaxation i had, left this evening. Tonight, i got beat-up by my Kid, the MIT. i have a cut on my nose. i have hair missing. i have bruising from His punching me. i got afraid, and ran from Him. i am hurting, both physically and emotionally. How did i raise this nice Kid, but still He finds it OK, on some level, to take His anger about what ever, on me?

i wonder if i will get a black eye from His clawing at my face. i wonder how the bruises on my shoulder and back will last. i wonder if i am a bad mom.

The weekend

i am relaxed. i spent time away from the computer. Watching DVD's on a portable player, in bed, is fun. i feel re-energized again. No TV is good. No computer is good. Quietly reading to Didgeriedoo music is good. i must remember to keep doing this.

Feelings

i am sad. i am hurt. i am angry. i am stunned. i am confused.

Stiff and sore and thinking

As i watch the snow slowly fall, all i can think about is the pain in my legs, back and shoulders, my stuffy nose, and my sore throat. The other thing i think about is why.

i am sad and angry for my friends. They are having to deal with something they shouldn't have to. But they are doing amazing through it all. They are both being strong. They have each other's backs. They hug each other and listen to each other, and they are going to make it threw. i just know it.

Through this, i can sort of see what it was like when B had to clean out Mike's place, after His death. i can see how picking and choosing what to keep can be so hard. i can see how her anger towards me played a part in it. i can see how "getting it right" might have played into her having to pick and choose so much. Yes i would have liked to have been included, but i also see now how having someone else there, talking about what they would have wanted, would have been so hard. Only now am i starting to go though some of the stuff Mike left here. She only had a day to do it all. And it was His birthday. At least i have a lifetime.

i guess what i am saying is, by watching my friends deal with this terrible time, i have begone to forgive B. i have a better understanding as to how she would have felt if i had been there. i do not forgive her for the way she treated me, or for the words exchanged, but i do understand better, how she would have felt that day.

A Weekend

Yesterday was a productive day. i went to Walmart for some groceries (and forgot to pickup more towels), went to Chapters and got the complete series of the Golden Compass, went to Starbucks for a treat, and went to Fortinos and got more groceries. Very productive.

Then i "borrowed" the MIT's DVD player, and watched 300 in the comfort of my bedroom and bed. Now that was cool. i think i will do that more often. i actually am planning on doing that today, before the MIT gets home.

Today has also been productive. i cleaned out the top shelf of my closet. It looks full, but it actually is holding less. i also cleaned up the stuff that was under the "phone bench" that Mike had given to me. That bench is leaving today to a good home. Instead of the bench, i now own a really big box. i am going to use it to store all my reflexology towels, blankets and pillows. That way clients know they are dust free. i am worried it will become a dumping ground for all my stuff, as i enter my room, but i know all i have to do is clean it off when a client is scheduled.

i also did something i swore i would never due. i contacted S&B. Sure it was about getting some books back, but i had made a promise to myself to never bring them back into my life. They did deliver the books back yesterday afternoon. Seeing them again just solidified my opinion about them. i still feel like they used me right after Mike died. i still feel like i was a "toy" in their games with each other. i still can't believe that S was one of the people Mike felt could / would take care of me after His death. i much prefer the other people He left me with.

L&D were wonderful, and still are. They gave me a chance to grieve and to play and to let go of feeling like crying all the time. They made their home a safe harbour without memories of times spent there with Mike. i just don't understand why i haven't heard from them in such a long time. It feels like they are mad at me over something, but i have no idea what. There was no talk about getting together for Yule. There has yet to be talk about getting together now. i have left numerous messages on their voice mail, and have even emailed them via Face Book, but have yet to really hear anything. i just really wish i knew what i did to offend them so much.

P&E are and have always been a perfect match with me. We all get along. We understand each other. They were and are rocks in my grieving process. i feel so safe with them. i know that if i asked to be played with tomorrow, they wouldn't judge me for it. i know that if i need someplace to cry, their shoulders would be there. i also know that if they need help, they will get a hold of me. They will also tell me when i am being a shit. With them, i can be myself, or whatever self i need to be at the time. Care giver, lonely friend, messed up and grieving, child like, flirty, or even just a place to go to not be alone.

Then there is SH. i really need to spend more time with her getting to know her. i know she understands being left alone. She is divorced and knows what it is like to loose someone she has been with after what feels like forever. She knows and understands the difficulty in "getting back out there". She know and understands how it feels to be in the presence of couples and feeling left out.

OK, this is getting mushy. Time to watch a movie before the MIT gets home. OH, but first, pictures of the old bench, and of the new box.

Old bench

New box

Therapy again

i have been pretending that everything is alright. That i was moving forward. That life doesn't suck as much as it does. That i was "getting over" Mike's death. Yeah well, today that all came crumbling down.

i sat there crying for 20 minutes about how much i still want to wake-up. That the whole point of taking the reflexology was to prove that i could have something that was just mine. That if i finished it, i would deserve to wake up and have earned the right to my life back. To His life back. To our life back.

How i still think it is my fault He died. That i must have done something really wrong to make Him go away. That He had promised to not leave me. That He broke that promise. That i still want to die. That i don't want this life that i have, without Him in it. That waking up to this reality sucks. That i just want this to all be a dream and to wake-up, in His arms, and get back to normal. i have survived 19 months without Him, and proved that i love Him, and i deserve for everything to go back to normal.

Hell, i never retaliated when B put me down, called me names, called my son names, threatened me, screamed at me. i never retaliated against A&L when they went behind my back, called me names, told people stories, turned people against me. Yes i yelled at L and yes i was angry, but i never retaliated with any of the things they did to me, including letting them come to the memorial that was held for those that knew Him here. i haven't gone to His grave. i know that would bother B.

i have been a good girl. i haven't gone out looking to replace Him. i can't even think about that. But still, He won't wake me up. Every morning i get to realize that He is still dead. It sucks. i hated admitting it today. i hate admitting it now.

i just want Our life together back. i want Him back. i need Him back. i feel so lost without Him.

Living on a RollerCoaster

When the MIT is home, i enjoy being with Him and can concentrate on being His mom. When He is not home, i am wallowing, missing, not wanting to face the sun or the outside. This up and down sucks. He is not home yet, and i just want to crawl back into bed, wearing my cuffs and hide.

The cuffs make me feel better. Closer to who i used to be. Closer to who i am missing. i want to wear them all the time. i want to feel who i used to be more often. It isn't practicle. It isn't who i am right now. Right now i am just a lonely woman that feels lost. Right now i am a Mom. Right now i am boring with no life. Right now, i don't feel like i want a life. i enjoy being home. It is comfortable.

OK, the MIT is home now. Time to play Mom.

The benefits of the Beast

There have been hidden benefits of owning the Beast. For those that don't know, the Beast is the new van.

1) i now take the MIT to karate when my Dad is in town. This means i get to see how well the MIT is doing at karate. This is something that i haven't been able to do in the past, because my Mom would normally take Him. She is not at all comfortable with the Beast, so i get to drive. So i get to see the MIT do kicks, punches, running and other stuff He doesn't do at home. This also means i can see what His body is no longer able to do. i don't think i will ever get used to that part.

2) i can now take the MIT anywhere, no matter how much of His body isn't working. Friday was an adventure. We went to do running around and used the wheelchair the entire time. No real back pain. No lifting Him in and out of the vehicle. Yeah it took us longer than usual, but it was really cool

3) The "i'm bigger than you so get used to it" attitude. Yes i swore i would not get into this attitude, but i can't help it. i am taller than almost everything on the road (buses are taller). i am longer than almost everything on the road. i am whiter than almost anything on the road and very hard to miss being seen. So yeah, i am getting the attitude, but at least i recognize it, so i am trying to change it.

So yeah, there are benefits to having the Beast. Yeah i still have to get over the negative thoughts about having it. A little step at a time

Dear Sir

i have been thinking about You alot. i am really missing You. Your touch and Your voice aren't here anymore and i really wish they were. i really wish You were. i am wearing the "dress" cuffs You had made for me. i need them to remember who i am. i am Yours. i will always be Yours. i can't even think about being anyone else's. It is just who i am. Yours.

You would be proud of me i think. i passed my reflexology. i have the wheelchair van now. i hope that You are proud of me. Heck, i survived another Christmas without You. i survived another New Years without You calling me. i even asked the doctor for help when things were getting really dark in my heart and head. i am taking care of Splotchy more. The Eeyore pillow You got me for my birthday has a hole in it. i am scared of using it and causing it more damaged. Hippo misses You too. He doesn't have anyone to bug anymore.

i still have lots of questions about how You died, and about why You died. i still get angry when i think about You dying and leaving me. i still feel like i must have pushed You so hard that You had to die. i still wish i could just wake up and You be here again. Tonight is one of those nights. The last few weeks have been like that. The nights are the worst. Knowing i won't hear from You in the morning, or that You aren't waking up in my bed.

i miss You
Your wendy/lyx

New Year's Day Morning

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!

This is what i woke up to. Isn't it pretty. A snow day, but on a holiday. The snow isn't stopping any time soon. Today is a day to curl up with candles, warm soup, and the MIT. Sounds good.