Tue, 24 Jan 2006

i am unlocking a couple of posts i have done in the last few days. One, before i knew some of what was happening, one after. By the way, i know some more lies.

Sun, 22 Jan 2006

i am suddenly very cold inside. i am past the point of caring, i think. i keep reading entries and email we have made over the last few years, and keep coming up with the same issues as never being resolved for more than a few weeks, and then things going down hill again. Issues we still have - communication (me doing all the talking about how i feel and getting nothing back from You. You keeping secrets) - me feeling insecure - play not changing - You wanting to explore Your submissive side, without consideration on to how it makes me feel, since it isn't a problem in Your head. - feeling like You don't respect me - not playing often (or at all) in private - secrets i am just so very cold inside right now. i am at the point of not caring what happens. i don't care if You still want to be with me. i don't care if You are mad at me. i don't care if You say You want me. i don't care if You say You need me. i don't care that You hurt me again. Heck, i don't even care enough to make You hurt like i am hurting. It is like i am done. It is like i have nothing else to give and i can't keep going in these circles. It is like there is no future in this because we can't get passed all the same old crap. It is like i have nothing left to give to You. i feel so calm about this right now. Maybe it really is over.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006

i don't know how to say anything to you anymore. Anytime i say something, you get defensive and close into yourself. So how do i say that i feel like i have done all the effort and have accepted you and what you need, yet you haven't helped me grow like i have helped you? So how do i say that i feel like i am being restrained and held back while i watch you out doing stuff? So how do i say that i want to do more, to try more, to be more, without you feeling like i am critisizing you? So how do i say that the reason i am so scared is because i have no confidence in being able to be me because each time i am me, i am pushed away? Yes you have accepted little Elizabeth, but that has only been in the last few months. Yes you buy stuff that you know i want to explore with, but nothing happens with them. Yes you and i play, but usually only infront of others. You wrote that you don't want to have sex, that you have no desire. Great. So i don't do anything for you anymore. Great way to build my confidence. i feel like i have to do some kind of magic, like you did, for you to even begin to try to accept me, to try to do new things, to just try to be nice to me. In the last month, you have told me my feet are like leather, you have told me you can't sleep beside me because my breath stinks, you have told me how much i disturb you with my snoring. Even tonight, i had to initiate not wanting to think. You didn't consider i might need it. i had to ask for it. Wow, how submissive of me. i have been following the rules, and i have been doing my job. You suddenly think everything is alright between us because i haven't said anything. You think everything is good because we played once. You think everything is good because i am following the rules, and you don't need to think about punishing me. Well, i am not alright. i feel like you don't desire me. i feel like i am the only one that is working on this. i feel like if i say anything, i am wrong. i feel like i am a small, insignificant thing that you keep around to boost your ego. i feel like you don't care that my confidence is the shits. i feel like you don't care if i grow as a submissive. i feel like i can only find growth from others. i feel like you would prefer i find growth with others so you don't have to bother. i feel like i don't matter. i feel like i have helped you find who you are, and you get to enjoy that, and i get to sit back and wait for nothing to happen until i complain. This isn't anything new. i have said all this over and over and over and yet it never changes. i love you. i want to be with you. i want to grow with you. i don't want to keep waisting away and crawling into myself more and more and more. And i know that once you read this, things will change for a few weeks, and then it will all be the same, because we won't talk it out, and you will crawl into yourself, and i will feel like shit, because i can't just sit back and let it all happen and be so unhappy. i've decided to make this private. Not even you will be able to see it. If you were to read it, you would get defensive and angry, and the entire cycle would happen again. i just can't deal with that. So i am burying it all again.

Mon, 9 Jan 2006

i am having a really hard time right now. i am on the brink of tears. i want to crawl-up into a ball and cry. i tried to call. You didn't answer Your cell. You haven't called me back. i feel really really bad right now. TJ is due home soon. i don't want to be a mom. i want to be tucked into bed, in Your arms, and hide. i checked my sugars. i am fine. Not as high as i have been lately, but still high. That doesn't make me feel better. Even the clonazepam isn't helping. Why haven't You called back????? Now You won't call. Now it is after 3:30, and You won't call. Damn it