Fri, 10 Feb 2006

i can't say i am not disappointed. Still no sex, not since the 2nd. i know You were tired and i didn't feel that good, but yeah, i did feel let down. No play on Tuesday, no play last night. Yes we played on Monday, but only because i made myself come down to Your place to see You. If i hadn't, then there would have been nothing for the week. Yes i feel like i am doing all the work again. i email every day, i ask for smokes, i ask for the bathroom, i asked to come to bed last night. Please understand that this is just how i feel. i do get how tired You were, just like You were tired on Tuesday. i do get that if we play, it is up to You. Just please understand that the build-up (talk about playing while TJ was out, and then talk about playing once TJ went to bed), and the let-down (talk about what You had wanted to do to me) sucks.

Mon, 6 Feb 2006

Thank You for tonight. Thank You for listening to my fears. Thank You for saying sorry for what You said on Friday. Thank You for letting me be playful. Thank You for pushing me. Thank You for stopping when You could see i really was distressed. i don't understand why the tying up of my hands and the thought of tickling or licking bothers me. It just does. It is this sudden onset of utter terror, panic and fear. It is an automatic fight and get away thing rushing threw my head. i just thought this was stuff You needed to know. i am also wondering what, if not anger, it was You felt last night. You pulled away a bit after i asked You to get off me, and untied my hands. i guess i am still scared that my reactions will push You away. With You not telling me what You were feeling, i felt like i did something wrong by my reacting. That was why i said sorry. Tonight wasn't a test. i really was distressed and tried hard not to react like i normally do. Thank You for the pain play. i still say i have a small ass.

Sat, 4 Feb 2006

i just don't get why we can't try it my way this time

i just don't get why it has to be your way

i just don't get how you can say i am important and worth fighting for, but you can't give me a compromise

i just don't get what the difference will be in two months, when i am already unhappy, to trying it your way

i just don't get why you can't see the hope i see by trying it my way for once

i just don't get how you could tell me that Sherry wouldn't get between you and me, but obviously she is

i just don't get how i can be worth so little to you that you don't even want to work on what it is we have

i just don't get why you think you can get it your way, without me burying who i am

i just don't get how you saying "no i don't think we should work on out issues" is you saying we should work on our issues

i just don't get how this could be my last entry to you

i just don't get how little i mean to you i just don't get why you can't do this for me after all i have done for you

i just don't get how i can say "2 months" and you hear "forever"

i just don't get why my feelings and fears aren't important enough to deal with

i just don't get how my supporting you, and you hurting me gets me punished again

i just don't get why you don't want this relationship to work