Wed, 12 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i am missing You so much. The depression is getting worse. i am pulling away from everyone and everything.

Sherry really pissed me off. She is making Your death all about her. If anyone wants to do something, or make a reminder about You, it is about her. Hardly about me, but all about her.

Helmut had wanted to do a pagan ceremony for You. A pagan goodbye. He couldn't find a way to do it before Camp. So He wanted to do it on the Friday night of Camp. i couldn't handle the thought of it. i still can't. Anyways, it became all about how it is up to me and Sherry if it should be done...in Sherry's eyes. Nothing about the rest of the Org. Nothing about how really it is up to me, but all about mainly her.

That is how it always is with her. Every decission that is made is about her. Every time she spends here is about her and her grief. It doesn't matter how i am feeling. i get to express my feelings for like a minute and then it is all about her again.

i have stopped emailing her every day. i just can't. It was such a meaningful D/s thing between You and i. i am not in that place with her. She won't define it. i am still the extra with her. She tries to pretend i am not, but i am. At least with P and E, i know i am the extra.

i want to not be the extra anymore. i want You back and i want to be Yours again. Still. With You i know my place. i am Yours. You are my Master. i am Your submissive/slave. i have a place with You. i have no place without You. i am all alone. So alone that i am pulling away from everyone. i am lost. i need You.

Wed, 5 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: Private thoughts

i am supposed to mail that box to Bev. i was supposed to do it yesterday, but didn't, and i am supposed to do it today, but can't bring myself to do it. It is like the final step to saying that this is the reality. That there is no more chance for me to wake-up. Mom really pissed me off last night. "Are you going to do it or do I have to go out of my way to do it, and be angry about it". That was what she said. Like i need that. i felt like saying "thanks for all the support Mom. Thanks for not understanding that i didn't get to have a vacation when you took TJ on a trip You wanted him to take, and now i get to suffer for it." You know i didn't though. i could never actually say anything like that to her. It just isn't in me to do. Anyways, off to get E and drive her to school early. Seems i get her kids from 7:30 - 6:00 ish. No warning about the until 6. No warning about me even having the kids this week, cause last i heard, M was supposed to get them. Oh well. Off i go.i love You Master

Sat, 1 Jul 2006

i know that normally this weekend, You would be home with Bev. It just feels like You should be here, coming to the cottage with me and Sherry. You were supposed to come with us.Bev sent the items i asked for. Nothing extra. No thoughts of what mean something to me. Then again, that isn't like her. She finally got a full time job. Man that would have helped years ago. i can't believe it took You dying to get her ass in gear. i don't know how to make it plain to Sherry that i need to know where Her and i stand. i don't want a collar from Her. i am no where close to wanting or needing that. But i don't know my place with Her. i don't know how much control She wants or how much i am willing to give over. i also can't stand, and i mean really can't stand watching Her and buffy kissing and making out on the couch when all i get is to sit alone on the floor, and get a goodbye kiss from Her every once in a while. i get that She and buffy have an established relationship. i get that i am the intruder. i get that i am the extra. i just wish She would stop saying that i wasn't. Things aren't getting any easier for me here. i still have really bad days, and even worse nights. Maybe the talking to You outloud is helping. Maybe it is just my mind cracking more and more into being more and more crazy. i need the "weird shit" as Sherry calls it, to happen. i need to know that You are still here with me. Maybe i will feel more complete once i get the altar box from Dana. i will be able to hold Your tools. i will be able to feel You more. i think i have sucked out all of You from Your bag of stones. They don't feel right anymore. God i miss You. i need You still so much. i sit here staring at the box i am sending to Bev and wonder why i should do it. i know there isn't anything really special in it, but it is filled with pieces of You. i can't picture Your face in my head anymore. i can't hear Your voice anymore. i can't feel You in the house anymore. Please don't pull away from me yet. i am not ready. Please come back to me if You have left me already. i need to feel You, hear You, dream about You, have You sleep next to me, or have You hold me.Please just wake me up!