Today was my first DBT group session. I was so nervous, I was awake at 5:30, and pacing by 8:00. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to take. I was in pain and tired.
It really wasn't all that bad. The group is all women. There is homework to be done. There was a lot of talking and answering questions. I talked a lot more than I thought I would. I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself.
After group, I had a bit of time by myself. I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while. Wound management. Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again. The nurse I had today was quite nice. I will probably have a new one Thursday.
Right now, I am exhausted. I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week. This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule. Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed.
Oh yeah. My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight
Showing posts with label Summer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Summer. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Life goes on
Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday roundup
So yesterday was a good day. TJ and I spent some quality time together. I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong. I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book. I am actually happy.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Not feeling good at all
I went to bed early and sick. I woke up late and sick. Seems like I may have the flu. "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick. My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu. All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off. Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast. Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies. I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today. Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible. TJ is helping out with that as much as he can.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend
Friday was good, and not so good. Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other. Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Going to try this once a day thing.
So yes. I am going to try "writing" here once a day. I will cover family / relationships, wicca, and therapy. I will cover each of these things each day. There will be other stuff, but those are going to be the beginning of each post. So, here we go.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
A change in this journal
3 things are going to be changing in this journal.
1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.
2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.
3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.
I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.
Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.
1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.
2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.
3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.
I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.
Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
It has been a long time
It has been a very long time. Not really into updating everything since May, but here are a few things I want to record.
I am in a relationship with a man who is completely vanilla. Yes. Completely vanilla. His name is Joseph. We have been seeing each other for over a month. He lives in Toronto and I live here in Hamilton. He hasn't met the MIT yet, but that is going to happen really soon. As for now, he comes here on the weekend when the MIT is away.
I am happy. I am happy with him. I am sad on Sundays when he has to leave, but I get over it pretty quickly, because I know I will be seeing him again after a bunch of sleeps. That and he calls every day.
OK. That is really all I wanted to say today.
I am in a relationship with a man who is completely vanilla. Yes. Completely vanilla. His name is Joseph. We have been seeing each other for over a month. He lives in Toronto and I live here in Hamilton. He hasn't met the MIT yet, but that is going to happen really soon. As for now, he comes here on the weekend when the MIT is away.
I am happy. I am happy with him. I am sad on Sundays when he has to leave, but I get over it pretty quickly, because I know I will be seeing him again after a bunch of sleeps. That and he calls every day.
OK. That is really all I wanted to say today.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Hard Hitting
This weekend, the anniversary, has hit me hard. So hard I had a breakdown at therapy. Big breakdown.
I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.
Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.
Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).
Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.
I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.
Time to let sorrow bring growth.
I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.
Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.
Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).
Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.
I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.
Time to let sorrow bring growth.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Less than 2 weeks left.
We have been doing "back to school" stuff lately. We have all the supplies. We have gotten the MIT's hair cut and coloured again (this year he is a redhead with an army cut). We have gotten His teeth checked (2 cavities). Today is a doctor's visit. All the stuff for Him to be ready to return to school. i am so excited.
Soon i will be able to catch a sleep after He leaves for school. Soon i will not have to take Him to get groceries or anything, i can do it while He is at school. It is a freeing time of year. Yes i am still on call. Yes i still have to worry about Him getting hurt or having really bad days, but it is freeing.
i have been thinking very hard about L lately. God i miss Her. i can't make the first move though. i can't contact Her before She, if ever, contacts me. See, in my eyes, She pulled from me. She took me off Her friends lists (FB and FL). She stopped accepting emails from me. She couldn't even bring Herself to drop off my stuff to me. God that hurt. i still remember Her words in our final email to each other. The words hurt so much. So, no. i can't contact Her.
If She contacted me? Wow, i would be elated. i would answer Her in a moment. i would respond, and i would go see Her and wrap my arms around Her and tell Her it would be alright, and i would tell Her how proud i am of Her. i would offer Her what ever i had to give. myself, my service, my shoulder, my talents. i am already doing some of it. i am watching. i wonder if She is watching me?
P has been around a lot lately. i appreciate the attention. i know part of it is to bring me back out and around. i have been hiding this summer. Heck, i have been hiding from everyone, even M from the neighbourhood. She is still in the thralls of her relationship. She only calls or comes over when she wants something. i don't need that. i have only enough energy to give, and she is not someone i really want to give it to.
i feel like i am babbling. Like i am not staying on any topic. i had better go and settle my thoughts and myself a little. i have been really unsettled lately.
Soon i will be able to catch a sleep after He leaves for school. Soon i will not have to take Him to get groceries or anything, i can do it while He is at school. It is a freeing time of year. Yes i am still on call. Yes i still have to worry about Him getting hurt or having really bad days, but it is freeing.
i have been thinking very hard about L lately. God i miss Her. i can't make the first move though. i can't contact Her before She, if ever, contacts me. See, in my eyes, She pulled from me. She took me off Her friends lists (FB and FL). She stopped accepting emails from me. She couldn't even bring Herself to drop off my stuff to me. God that hurt. i still remember Her words in our final email to each other. The words hurt so much. So, no. i can't contact Her.
If She contacted me? Wow, i would be elated. i would answer Her in a moment. i would respond, and i would go see Her and wrap my arms around Her and tell Her it would be alright, and i would tell Her how proud i am of Her. i would offer Her what ever i had to give. myself, my service, my shoulder, my talents. i am already doing some of it. i am watching. i wonder if She is watching me?
P has been around a lot lately. i appreciate the attention. i know part of it is to bring me back out and around. i have been hiding this summer. Heck, i have been hiding from everyone, even M from the neighbourhood. She is still in the thralls of her relationship. She only calls or comes over when she wants something. i don't need that. i have only enough energy to give, and she is not someone i really want to give it to.
i feel like i am babbling. Like i am not staying on any topic. i had better go and settle my thoughts and myself a little. i have been really unsettled lately.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Summer is almost finished. Plus some introspection.
With summer vacation coming to an end, i have to say that i finally got the MIT and Dad camping. Finally. We went from the 6-8 and had a great, quiet time. Well other than the Raccoons hunting and gathering from our site. LOL. i have already booked our weekend in September. It did help throw in my face how much the MIT has lost in a year. He couldn't get up to go to the "pee tree" by Himself. One of us had to have at least 2 hands on Him at all times, and that was with Him having both sides working. He nearly fell into the fire 6 times.
i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.
So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.
On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.
i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.
i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.
i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.
So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.
On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.
i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.
i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Gods i hate writing catch-ups
But, i am going to do so again.
The MIT is back at school. Things are going ok with that. He is still having trouble with His body since the medication change. He is able to voice how He is feeling more. He is crying when He is sad. He is going outside and screaming when He wants to hit Himself, others, or things. He has had some rough times, but those are changing. It is nice to see positive changes in Him.
Something that helped, is i took Him and my Dad camping this past weekend. We went camping in a tent. We left on the Friday and came home on the Sunday. It rained Friday night, after we went to sleep, and again on Sunday while we were packing up. Other than that, the weather was great. We took the MIT fishing. He hated it. He thought it was boring. It didn't help that we didn't catch anything. At least it was an experience. A positive experience at that. He has come home much more relaxed. He has come home much more positive. i am glad we went. We all needed the time together. i need to keep building experiences with Him. i need to give Him as many positive times as i can. As many adventures as i can. He needs it. i need it. i need it for later. i need it for when the time comes.
D is sick. D is very sick. D is going to die. D has cancer. It is in the lungs, it is in the brain, it is in the lymph nodes. All that can be done is to keep D comfortable. She is surrounded by love. She will be surrounded by love and positivity. i am sad. i am angry. i feel like i don't have the right to feel so sad and angry about this. D's family, my friends, deserve that right. i am a friend. i worry about her, but i do not have to be there all the time. i am there for when they all need me, want me, need help, want help, or just an ear, lap, shoulder, or hug. Until they need me, i sit here. i sit back and wait for the call that they need my presence. i give them the space they need to process all that has happened, is happening now, and will happen too soon.
On other fronts, i am dating. Yes, i am seeing someone. i met M at a play party. i met M's wife, La. i met M's friends. i met M. He is new to doing this. i am not so new. He is younger. i am not so younger. i am enjoying seeing Him. i am enjoying the feelings of passion again. i am enjoying the feeling of opening myself up to someone again. i am enjoying one experience with Him at a time. Heck, i am even enjoying missing Him when He isn't here. i get to see Him on Saturday, with La and Their daughter. We are going to a festival together. All three of us. i wear His marks. i wear His bites. i enjoy the feeling of the pain again. The pain given by someone i like being with, longer than a party night.
With Him, i don't feel like an extra. i am one. i am His alone. He decides if He wants to share me. He decides. i offered that to Him, and He accepted. He has already exercised that right. Twice actually. It feels good. It feels nice knowing i am one. i am not a play thing to add to an established relationship. i am His, outside His circle. i am not a third. i am not a second. i am His only. La has others. La doesn't need or want others. La is happy for us. La and i talk about stuff. La is with Him, but i am His alone. It feels right. i feel right again. i feel like me again.
The MIT is back at school. Things are going ok with that. He is still having trouble with His body since the medication change. He is able to voice how He is feeling more. He is crying when He is sad. He is going outside and screaming when He wants to hit Himself, others, or things. He has had some rough times, but those are changing. It is nice to see positive changes in Him.
Something that helped, is i took Him and my Dad camping this past weekend. We went camping in a tent. We left on the Friday and came home on the Sunday. It rained Friday night, after we went to sleep, and again on Sunday while we were packing up. Other than that, the weather was great. We took the MIT fishing. He hated it. He thought it was boring. It didn't help that we didn't catch anything. At least it was an experience. A positive experience at that. He has come home much more relaxed. He has come home much more positive. i am glad we went. We all needed the time together. i need to keep building experiences with Him. i need to give Him as many positive times as i can. As many adventures as i can. He needs it. i need it. i need it for later. i need it for when the time comes.
D is sick. D is very sick. D is going to die. D has cancer. It is in the lungs, it is in the brain, it is in the lymph nodes. All that can be done is to keep D comfortable. She is surrounded by love. She will be surrounded by love and positivity. i am sad. i am angry. i feel like i don't have the right to feel so sad and angry about this. D's family, my friends, deserve that right. i am a friend. i worry about her, but i do not have to be there all the time. i am there for when they all need me, want me, need help, want help, or just an ear, lap, shoulder, or hug. Until they need me, i sit here. i sit back and wait for the call that they need my presence. i give them the space they need to process all that has happened, is happening now, and will happen too soon.
On other fronts, i am dating. Yes, i am seeing someone. i met M at a play party. i met M's wife, La. i met M's friends. i met M. He is new to doing this. i am not so new. He is younger. i am not so younger. i am enjoying seeing Him. i am enjoying the feelings of passion again. i am enjoying the feeling of opening myself up to someone again. i am enjoying one experience with Him at a time. Heck, i am even enjoying missing Him when He isn't here. i get to see Him on Saturday, with La and Their daughter. We are going to a festival together. All three of us. i wear His marks. i wear His bites. i enjoy the feeling of the pain again. The pain given by someone i like being with, longer than a party night.
With Him, i don't feel like an extra. i am one. i am His alone. He decides if He wants to share me. He decides. i offered that to Him, and He accepted. He has already exercised that right. Twice actually. It feels good. It feels nice knowing i am one. i am not a play thing to add to an established relationship. i am His, outside His circle. i am not a third. i am not a second. i am His only. La has others. La doesn't need or want others. La is happy for us. La and i talk about stuff. La is with Him, but i am His alone. It feels right. i feel right again. i feel like me again.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Home from Camp (day 63 of summer vacation)
Camp was different, and kind of weird this year. It was fun. It was interesting. i totally enjoyed myself.
Arriving first on Thursday, the only one there from my group was cool. i got to unpack my stuff, set up my cabin, and just sit back and relax. i did have moments when i thought i had to do stuff (like in the past) and had to keep telling myself i wasn't working this year. i started my fire. i sat out in the fresh air. i read my book. i listened to the quiet. It was great. Slowly more from my group showed up. L&D were first. Next came H&D. Then there was rain. i was able to keep my fire going during the entire storm. Now that felt cool.
i had made plans with J about meeting up with him at his cabin, with dinner and blankets and stuff in hand. Of course, i didn't know when he would be arriving, or what cabin he would be in. While it was raining, i saw this big guy wandering past my cabin. i called out "Jared?" and he came right over. i stood up, and His approach just bowled me over. i so dropped at that point. He grabbed my hair, kissed me, and asked me where i was. i know i was nervous. i was in "kiddy" mode. i told Him about the frog i found. It was nervous energy.
He told me that he expected me at His cabin, with food and His bed made. God i was so "there". i was in that moment. i was at peace and comfortable. i did what i was told. i packed dinner into the van, and i headed over to His cabin. i made the bed, and set out a plate of dinner and a can of cold pop for Him. And i waited. (He was helping A with her floating tent) When we were able to get a moment together (A and M were going to be staying with Him that night, because of the rain) we were right back to that space where i was on my knees, and getting my hair pulled and feeling like i belonged there. God that felt good. Eventually i left, as they were going to settle for the night. i went back to my cabin and relaxed and enjoyed the rain, and the fire, and headed off to bed.
Friday started ok. i started my fire again. i made breakfast while L&D&H set up the cooking tent and H's selling tent. i actually cooked over an open fire. i cooked eggs, bacon, pemeal bacon, and sausages. i did them in steps so that people were able to eat while they worked. J came over and asked me how long i would be. i said i would be about 1/2 hour. He said to go to A's site in one hour. i agreed (ooooops). 1 1/2 hours later, i finally left my site, took J breakfast, and waited for Him at His cabin. This was not a good start. He ended up going over to my cabin looking for me, had a bit of a confrontation with H&L and then came to find me. J and i had to talk. i was reminded that He knew my priority was the group, and needed me to communicate better, when i was available to be with Him, and do what He and i needed to do. Unfortunately, this set up a bit of a "road block" as far as H (especially) and L were concerned. (H never did get over it)
Friday was a bad day for me. i kept saying i would do things, and didn't. i felt caught in the middle as far as the "responsibilities of the group" and what everyone else wanted to do. i felt loopy. i was lost and needed centering. i never really got there. i had told J i would be right back, and didn't return, but laid down instead (that was when S&J arrived). i irritated J. i felt totally out of sorts. Things could have gone much better, but i really think i hit that cycle i sometimes do. The one where if i screw up, i continue, because i don't know how to ask for a way out, or help in getting out. (i really need to work on that). Eventually Friday night came together. J and i laid on His bed and worked on the demos. He told me what He expected of me. He and i wrote His handouts for the breath play demo. He used my back as His desk, while dictating to me. We played with the breath play so i knew what to expect. We talked about the blood letting demo, and what i was to expect. It was a nice centering, and "homey" place for me. J joined us all for dinner. P&E eventually showed up. There was laughter and i had my orders for the next day of demos.
Saturday i was up and ready to go by 6:00 am. i showered and dressed. i packed what i needed to keep at the demo sites. i was at J's cabin when i was supposed to be. i radioed L when she had wanted me to. i was great. i felt great. i was excited and anxious about the entire day. J was concentrating on what He needed to do. i was concentrating on what i needed to do. It was wonderful. L helped with the fear play. E did my after care for that while J still talked. Once He was done, He did my after care. We moved on to the breath play. (none of my group came to that) That was fun. i love breath play. He demonstrated different techniques on me. He had me floating. He made sure i was good after the demo. He made sure i got a kiss after my needing to walk away. He let me stay close when i needed, and He let me go away when i needed to, but always kept an eye on me. After the breath play, we had a bit of a break. i took a walk back to my cabin, and sat for a bit, and headed back up to the demo that i was most excited about.
Blood letting. i have never done that before. i had wanted to do it. i needed to do it. i wanted that sensation and pain. No one from the group showed again. That was ok. J was great. Sure He was concentrating on the actual demo. We didn't really connect during it. Well, at one point we really did. During the cut down was the best. It was still really great. It felt really wonderful. i have a beautiful set of stitches on my right arm. i have no bruising. i was floaty and totally on a high. We ended back at His cabin and laid down and relaxed and talked and talked. It was great after care. It was what we both needed. Eventually i left Him and headed back to my cabin to come down even more.
i am not ready to talk about after that. Things got really weird, and off center, and not great. Not with J, but with others. Maybe i will eventually be able to talk about it, but not likely here. Not yet anyways.
But, i am home. The MIT is with me. i have stitches in my arm, and love how they feel. i have a bruise on my right shoulder. i am still a little floaty. i had a good weekend.
Arriving first on Thursday, the only one there from my group was cool. i got to unpack my stuff, set up my cabin, and just sit back and relax. i did have moments when i thought i had to do stuff (like in the past) and had to keep telling myself i wasn't working this year. i started my fire. i sat out in the fresh air. i read my book. i listened to the quiet. It was great. Slowly more from my group showed up. L&D were first. Next came H&D. Then there was rain. i was able to keep my fire going during the entire storm. Now that felt cool.
i had made plans with J about meeting up with him at his cabin, with dinner and blankets and stuff in hand. Of course, i didn't know when he would be arriving, or what cabin he would be in. While it was raining, i saw this big guy wandering past my cabin. i called out "Jared?" and he came right over. i stood up, and His approach just bowled me over. i so dropped at that point. He grabbed my hair, kissed me, and asked me where i was. i know i was nervous. i was in "kiddy" mode. i told Him about the frog i found. It was nervous energy.
He told me that he expected me at His cabin, with food and His bed made. God i was so "there". i was in that moment. i was at peace and comfortable. i did what i was told. i packed dinner into the van, and i headed over to His cabin. i made the bed, and set out a plate of dinner and a can of cold pop for Him. And i waited. (He was helping A with her floating tent) When we were able to get a moment together (A and M were going to be staying with Him that night, because of the rain) we were right back to that space where i was on my knees, and getting my hair pulled and feeling like i belonged there. God that felt good. Eventually i left, as they were going to settle for the night. i went back to my cabin and relaxed and enjoyed the rain, and the fire, and headed off to bed.
Friday started ok. i started my fire again. i made breakfast while L&D&H set up the cooking tent and H's selling tent. i actually cooked over an open fire. i cooked eggs, bacon, pemeal bacon, and sausages. i did them in steps so that people were able to eat while they worked. J came over and asked me how long i would be. i said i would be about 1/2 hour. He said to go to A's site in one hour. i agreed (ooooops). 1 1/2 hours later, i finally left my site, took J breakfast, and waited for Him at His cabin. This was not a good start. He ended up going over to my cabin looking for me, had a bit of a confrontation with H&L and then came to find me. J and i had to talk. i was reminded that He knew my priority was the group, and needed me to communicate better, when i was available to be with Him, and do what He and i needed to do. Unfortunately, this set up a bit of a "road block" as far as H (especially) and L were concerned. (H never did get over it)
Friday was a bad day for me. i kept saying i would do things, and didn't. i felt caught in the middle as far as the "responsibilities of the group" and what everyone else wanted to do. i felt loopy. i was lost and needed centering. i never really got there. i had told J i would be right back, and didn't return, but laid down instead (that was when S&J arrived). i irritated J. i felt totally out of sorts. Things could have gone much better, but i really think i hit that cycle i sometimes do. The one where if i screw up, i continue, because i don't know how to ask for a way out, or help in getting out. (i really need to work on that). Eventually Friday night came together. J and i laid on His bed and worked on the demos. He told me what He expected of me. He and i wrote His handouts for the breath play demo. He used my back as His desk, while dictating to me. We played with the breath play so i knew what to expect. We talked about the blood letting demo, and what i was to expect. It was a nice centering, and "homey" place for me. J joined us all for dinner. P&E eventually showed up. There was laughter and i had my orders for the next day of demos.
Saturday i was up and ready to go by 6:00 am. i showered and dressed. i packed what i needed to keep at the demo sites. i was at J's cabin when i was supposed to be. i radioed L when she had wanted me to. i was great. i felt great. i was excited and anxious about the entire day. J was concentrating on what He needed to do. i was concentrating on what i needed to do. It was wonderful. L helped with the fear play. E did my after care for that while J still talked. Once He was done, He did my after care. We moved on to the breath play. (none of my group came to that) That was fun. i love breath play. He demonstrated different techniques on me. He had me floating. He made sure i was good after the demo. He made sure i got a kiss after my needing to walk away. He let me stay close when i needed, and He let me go away when i needed to, but always kept an eye on me. After the breath play, we had a bit of a break. i took a walk back to my cabin, and sat for a bit, and headed back up to the demo that i was most excited about.
Blood letting. i have never done that before. i had wanted to do it. i needed to do it. i wanted that sensation and pain. No one from the group showed again. That was ok. J was great. Sure He was concentrating on the actual demo. We didn't really connect during it. Well, at one point we really did. During the cut down was the best. It was still really great. It felt really wonderful. i have a beautiful set of stitches on my right arm. i have no bruising. i was floaty and totally on a high. We ended back at His cabin and laid down and relaxed and talked and talked. It was great after care. It was what we both needed. Eventually i left Him and headed back to my cabin to come down even more.
i am not ready to talk about after that. Things got really weird, and off center, and not great. Not with J, but with others. Maybe i will eventually be able to talk about it, but not likely here. Not yet anyways.
But, i am home. The MIT is with me. i have stitches in my arm, and love how they feel. i have a bruise on my right shoulder. i am still a little floaty. i had a good weekend.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Catching up yet again (Day 54 of Summer Vacation)
i don't even know when the last time i updated was. All i know is what has been happening recently.
1 - P&E - P&E went camping for over a week. i am currently babysitting 2 hamsters, and keeping an eye on Salem. The MIT went there Tuesday afternoon, to make sure Salem was doing ok. Salem probably has breast cancer. Right now, the plan is just to make sure she is comfortable. Tuesday she let me pick her up, and she went to eat while the MIT and i were there. We also picked up the hamster's balls so they could run around our house. The MIT doesn't like Fritz (female) but loves Seven (male).
2 - The MIT - On Tuesday night, after karate, the MIT came home full blown. He proceeded to have a 20 minute seizure, and then continued to seize on and off for 2 hours. i called 911, and He was taken to the hospital. There we stayed until Saturday afternoon. During that time, the MIT seized 2 more times, had an EEG that showed some spikes, and has had His med changed. He is now on Topamax. Well, starting Topamax. We are putting Him on it slowly. He is starting to show symptoms. He feels like His feet want to leave His body. He gets dizzy easily. Dad says the MIT looses His right side about an hour after taking his med. i will wait and see. i don't like that they sent us home on Saturday. i wanted Him in until Monday, just in case. At least with His getting out on Saturday, He was able to go to His grading. He now has a blue-stripe belt. He was so proud of it, He brought it home to me. i am really proud of Him.
3 - me - i am tired. i am stressed. i missed my therapy session because i forgot what time it was scheduled for. i am anxious. What if something happens while i am away? What if something goes wrong with the MIT's new meds? i do know not to live with "what if's" but i can't help it. They are in the back of my head. i am so tired. i can't seem to catch up on sleep, no matter how much time i am given. i want to cut so badly. i want to feel in control. my house isn't anywhere close to what i count as clean. i feel like there is just so much to do. i still have 2 appointments this week. One for therapy, and one with the doctor. Add to that, preparations for camp.
4 - Camp - For most people, there is only 4 sleeps until camp. For me, 2 sleeps. One on Tuesday evening, and one on Wednesday evening. i haven't gone shopping for everything, or anything, yet. i haven't started to gather stuff. Tomorrow i will be starting that. i still have a tunic and maybe a toga to make for J. i still have to learn how to roll. i want to be able to relax starting Thursday. i want to go and just "be". i am looking forward to pain. Sure it is by a hand i haven't even met yet, but at least i know i will feel pain. Yes, i am excited, but i am also worried. i am worried i won't have the money i need to buy what i need for camp. i am worried i will forget stuff. i am worried i will be so tired by Thursday, that i won't want to participate in anything to do with camp.
i guess that is all i need to catch up on. i am going to go and watch the Olympics. At least i have something to watch all night.
1 - P&E - P&E went camping for over a week. i am currently babysitting 2 hamsters, and keeping an eye on Salem. The MIT went there Tuesday afternoon, to make sure Salem was doing ok. Salem probably has breast cancer. Right now, the plan is just to make sure she is comfortable. Tuesday she let me pick her up, and she went to eat while the MIT and i were there. We also picked up the hamster's balls so they could run around our house. The MIT doesn't like Fritz (female) but loves Seven (male).
2 - The MIT - On Tuesday night, after karate, the MIT came home full blown. He proceeded to have a 20 minute seizure, and then continued to seize on and off for 2 hours. i called 911, and He was taken to the hospital. There we stayed until Saturday afternoon. During that time, the MIT seized 2 more times, had an EEG that showed some spikes, and has had His med changed. He is now on Topamax. Well, starting Topamax. We are putting Him on it slowly. He is starting to show symptoms. He feels like His feet want to leave His body. He gets dizzy easily. Dad says the MIT looses His right side about an hour after taking his med. i will wait and see. i don't like that they sent us home on Saturday. i wanted Him in until Monday, just in case. At least with His getting out on Saturday, He was able to go to His grading. He now has a blue-stripe belt. He was so proud of it, He brought it home to me. i am really proud of Him.
3 - me - i am tired. i am stressed. i missed my therapy session because i forgot what time it was scheduled for. i am anxious. What if something happens while i am away? What if something goes wrong with the MIT's new meds? i do know not to live with "what if's" but i can't help it. They are in the back of my head. i am so tired. i can't seem to catch up on sleep, no matter how much time i am given. i want to cut so badly. i want to feel in control. my house isn't anywhere close to what i count as clean. i feel like there is just so much to do. i still have 2 appointments this week. One for therapy, and one with the doctor. Add to that, preparations for camp.
4 - Camp - For most people, there is only 4 sleeps until camp. For me, 2 sleeps. One on Tuesday evening, and one on Wednesday evening. i haven't gone shopping for everything, or anything, yet. i haven't started to gather stuff. Tomorrow i will be starting that. i still have a tunic and maybe a toga to make for J. i still have to learn how to roll. i want to be able to relax starting Thursday. i want to go and just "be". i am looking forward to pain. Sure it is by a hand i haven't even met yet, but at least i know i will feel pain. Yes, i am excited, but i am also worried. i am worried i won't have the money i need to buy what i need for camp. i am worried i will forget stuff. i am worried i will be so tired by Thursday, that i won't want to participate in anything to do with camp.
i guess that is all i need to catch up on. i am going to go and watch the Olympics. At least i have something to watch all night.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Catching up a bit (day 40)
Not much has really been going on, but i do have a few good things that have happened.
The MIT is going to be testing for His new belt on August 9th. Yes, He has actually been asking to test, and is going for it. i am so proud of Him. Every time He goes to karate, He looses one side, or more. It is a struggle for Him. He is having fewer and fewer good days. He asked to be tested in the middle of His class the one day, and the beginning of the class the other. That was the only way His body was able to complete the process. i am glad He is more Himself again. He hasn't talked about hurting Himself for a while. He is taking compliments more. It is nice to see the change in Him.
i have a "date" for camp. i volunteered to help with one demo and am now helping with two. Plus, the Guy who is doing the presentations is going to be hanging out with me for most of the weekend. Things have gotten a little weird about one thing, and i have to confront it. i have to say to Him that i do not want to top that weekend. It is a weekend for me to be me. Not the me someone wants me to be, but who i am. So far we have communicated well. i guess i will see how it goes when we talk about the topping thing. At least i know i will get cut, and sutured (something i haven't had done before). That part is going to be really fun.
That guy i met from online, well, that is over. i doubt i will ever hear from him again. It is ok. i didn't really feel a connection with him. When i do get into a relationship, i want that connection. i want those sparks, i want to be bowled over. i will find it again. i am not worried.
i haven't heard from L&D since the birthday. Even before that, the MIT and i had emailed them, and never heard anything back. i have left 2 messages in two weeks, and nothing. Add to that, the fact i know L has been in town at least once since i last saw here, and i am getting pissed. For some reason, it is ok for L&D to ignore me, but not ok if i was to ignore them. i have even left a message saying that we need to talk, and nothing. my first reaction is to think i did something wrong again, but nope, i am not going there. i know in my heart i have done nothing wrong. i don't understand how one day L can say she doesn't want things to change between us, but then the next, i hear nothing from them. Not even when they are in town. Nothing. i am past feeling jealous. i am up to feeling under appreciated and angry. Add to that the fact that L has my sewing machine, and i am needing it to make myself something to wear at camp, because i don't know if She has done what She said She would do. i don't know if She has made me a few stollis or not. Even then, i also want at least one tunic. It would make packing so much easier. i just don't know what to do with them. i call, i email, i hear nothing. It is all rather frustrating.
P&E can't seem to catch a break. K's surgery went well, and they were able to breath again. That was until P had the car accident, and now Salem may have cancer. They just can't catch a break. i wish i had the power to make it so nothing bad would happen to them, for about a year. That way they could get caught up with bills, breath and enjoy each other, breath and enjoy an entire year. They deserve it. They deserve that kind of break.
i am worried about the fact that i haven't had a period since April. The doctor did an internal, and is sending me for an ultra sound. She didn't say anything about the internal. i guess i wait for the ultra sound. i am feeling a little better emotionally also. i think it is because i am letting myself cry when it comes up. i am catching up on sleep while i can. Yesterday was full of sleep. So much, that i didn't sleep all night. i woke-up at 10:30 pm, and stayed awake until 11:30 this morning. Since then, i napped from 11:30 until 2:00. i will lie down again in about 1/2 hour so i can be awake tonight.
Well that is it.
The MIT is going to be testing for His new belt on August 9th. Yes, He has actually been asking to test, and is going for it. i am so proud of Him. Every time He goes to karate, He looses one side, or more. It is a struggle for Him. He is having fewer and fewer good days. He asked to be tested in the middle of His class the one day, and the beginning of the class the other. That was the only way His body was able to complete the process. i am glad He is more Himself again. He hasn't talked about hurting Himself for a while. He is taking compliments more. It is nice to see the change in Him.
i have a "date" for camp. i volunteered to help with one demo and am now helping with two. Plus, the Guy who is doing the presentations is going to be hanging out with me for most of the weekend. Things have gotten a little weird about one thing, and i have to confront it. i have to say to Him that i do not want to top that weekend. It is a weekend for me to be me. Not the me someone wants me to be, but who i am. So far we have communicated well. i guess i will see how it goes when we talk about the topping thing. At least i know i will get cut, and sutured (something i haven't had done before). That part is going to be really fun.
That guy i met from online, well, that is over. i doubt i will ever hear from him again. It is ok. i didn't really feel a connection with him. When i do get into a relationship, i want that connection. i want those sparks, i want to be bowled over. i will find it again. i am not worried.
i haven't heard from L&D since the birthday. Even before that, the MIT and i had emailed them, and never heard anything back. i have left 2 messages in two weeks, and nothing. Add to that, the fact i know L has been in town at least once since i last saw here, and i am getting pissed. For some reason, it is ok for L&D to ignore me, but not ok if i was to ignore them. i have even left a message saying that we need to talk, and nothing. my first reaction is to think i did something wrong again, but nope, i am not going there. i know in my heart i have done nothing wrong. i don't understand how one day L can say she doesn't want things to change between us, but then the next, i hear nothing from them. Not even when they are in town. Nothing. i am past feeling jealous. i am up to feeling under appreciated and angry. Add to that the fact that L has my sewing machine, and i am needing it to make myself something to wear at camp, because i don't know if She has done what She said She would do. i don't know if She has made me a few stollis or not. Even then, i also want at least one tunic. It would make packing so much easier. i just don't know what to do with them. i call, i email, i hear nothing. It is all rather frustrating.
P&E can't seem to catch a break. K's surgery went well, and they were able to breath again. That was until P had the car accident, and now Salem may have cancer. They just can't catch a break. i wish i had the power to make it so nothing bad would happen to them, for about a year. That way they could get caught up with bills, breath and enjoy each other, breath and enjoy an entire year. They deserve it. They deserve that kind of break.
i am worried about the fact that i haven't had a period since April. The doctor did an internal, and is sending me for an ultra sound. She didn't say anything about the internal. i guess i wait for the ultra sound. i am feeling a little better emotionally also. i think it is because i am letting myself cry when it comes up. i am catching up on sleep while i can. Yesterday was full of sleep. So much, that i didn't sleep all night. i woke-up at 10:30 pm, and stayed awake until 11:30 this morning. Since then, i napped from 11:30 until 2:00. i will lie down again in about 1/2 hour so i can be awake tonight.
Well that is it.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Weekend of sleep (Day 31)
The MIT was at Rygiel last night. Finally a full night of sleep. Plus i get to sleep all day today and all night tonight. i doubt that will happen. Too much sleep can be a bad thing. i will be sleeping a whole lot.
i met someone on CollarMe last night. He came over for coffee (and for those that know my coffee making skills, he brought one from Tim Horton's for himself). It was nice to meet someone that believes relationships are built on friendships. All we did was talk. Well, he talked and i listened. i listened a lot. i don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, that he reminds me of Mike. What i do like is that i am actually open to meeting new people, and putting myself out there for others to meet. It is a nice change from just sitting back and doing nothing and wallowing in being alone.
Being a lonely submissive sucks. Well, it sure does for me. i am sure there are those out there, that enjoy their Independence, and are ok with being single. Just like there are women out there that enjoy being single. i am not one of those submissives anymore. i miss having a partner. i miss the intimacy of being with someone. i miss feeling like i can sit at their feet. i miss feeling free.
Anyways, today is about sleep and rest and doing what ever i want to do. i am really going to enjoy today.
i met someone on CollarMe last night. He came over for coffee (and for those that know my coffee making skills, he brought one from Tim Horton's for himself). It was nice to meet someone that believes relationships are built on friendships. All we did was talk. Well, he talked and i listened. i listened a lot. i don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, that he reminds me of Mike. What i do like is that i am actually open to meeting new people, and putting myself out there for others to meet. It is a nice change from just sitting back and doing nothing and wallowing in being alone.
Being a lonely submissive sucks. Well, it sure does for me. i am sure there are those out there, that enjoy their Independence, and are ok with being single. Just like there are women out there that enjoy being single. i am not one of those submissives anymore. i miss having a partner. i miss the intimacy of being with someone. i miss feeling like i can sit at their feet. i miss feeling free.
Anyways, today is about sleep and rest and doing what ever i want to do. i am really going to enjoy today.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Lost It (Day 30)
i have lost all energy. i am sleepy all the time. i have no time to really sleep. What sleep i do have is wracked with weird dreams. i have no energy to go outside, do dishes, water plants. To do anything really. i am so tired. i don't want to get out of bed, when i finally do get some sleep. i don't want to eat. i don't want to cook. i don't want to look after my plants. i actually looked at my plants wilting, and just didn't give a damn. Doing anything with the MIT isn't even a thought. i don't want to take Him anywhere. i don't care if He or i go outside. i just don't care about anything any more. i have given up.
i am hoping it is just the sleeplessness. i am hoping it isn't full blown, drowning depression. Actually i know it is the depression. i have those thoughts again. Ones where i am done, and waiting to just be able to die. To kill myself without guilt of leaving the MIT. i still have a plan. i have picked out the clothes i want on my body when i die. i have written the note to go with my death. i have the entire plan. i am just waiting for the right time.
It is sick that the dream i had of the MIT's death actually filled me with hope. Hope that it was all ending soon. Hope that i could just die. How sick am i to find hope in my Son's death? Not even hope for Him, to be able to not have to deal with His disorder. Just hope and calm for me to finally get what i want. So much for no guilt. At least not right now anyways.
Yeah, i have hit that point again. i wonder how far into the summer it was last year. Maybe i will go back and look. i am thinking it is longer than last year. i am thinking i have been able to keep it at bay more easily. It doesn't really matter i guess. The fact that i am back in that place is the important part. Next is how to deal with it.
Getting more sleep isn't an option. i get to sleep on set days. Even then the days aren't really set. Stuff can get in the way.
Tuesday nights from 4:30-6:30pm 7-10pm
Wednesday nights from 5-10pm
Thursday nights from 6-8:30pm
Friday nights from 4-8pm
Saturdays from 10-3pm 4:30-Sunday at 8:00pm
Those are the times set in stone that i have the opportunity to sleep. Then there are times i am so over tired, i can't get to sleep. Then there are the times i have to do running around during those times because the MIT isn't able to do some stuff with me. Then there are times i need to just do something. Something like going outside and reading, or being around kids other than the MIT. Something that makes me feel like i am actually part of the world other than that of the MIT's. The debate is always there. Sleep or pleasure. Too bad i can't get both at the same time.
This weekend is slightly different. This weekend i have from Friday at 9pm-Sunday at 5pm. That is right, it is Rygiel weekend. A weekend of the MIT being away for two nights in a row, and the opportunity for me to sleep for 44 hours. Of course that doesn't include times to be awake for food, or pee breaks, driving time, or shower time. This time it feels to overwhelming. The idea of that much time alone feels like too much. At least when it is a shorter amount of time, i am not worried about following my plan. (Ok, back to feeling demented again. i want to die, but am scared i actually will do the deed. How weird.)
Well, time to find something to watch so i can stay awake, when all i want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. Not worrying about if the MIT wakes up or not. Not worrying what anyone would think if i let it happen. Just a long blissful sleep.
i am hoping it is just the sleeplessness. i am hoping it isn't full blown, drowning depression. Actually i know it is the depression. i have those thoughts again. Ones where i am done, and waiting to just be able to die. To kill myself without guilt of leaving the MIT. i still have a plan. i have picked out the clothes i want on my body when i die. i have written the note to go with my death. i have the entire plan. i am just waiting for the right time.
It is sick that the dream i had of the MIT's death actually filled me with hope. Hope that it was all ending soon. Hope that i could just die. How sick am i to find hope in my Son's death? Not even hope for Him, to be able to not have to deal with His disorder. Just hope and calm for me to finally get what i want. So much for no guilt. At least not right now anyways.
Yeah, i have hit that point again. i wonder how far into the summer it was last year. Maybe i will go back and look. i am thinking it is longer than last year. i am thinking i have been able to keep it at bay more easily. It doesn't really matter i guess. The fact that i am back in that place is the important part. Next is how to deal with it.
Getting more sleep isn't an option. i get to sleep on set days. Even then the days aren't really set. Stuff can get in the way.
Tuesday nights from 4:30-6:30pm 7-10pm
Wednesday nights from 5-10pm
Thursday nights from 6-8:30pm
Friday nights from 4-8pm
Saturdays from 10-3pm 4:30-Sunday at 8:00pm
Those are the times set in stone that i have the opportunity to sleep. Then there are times i am so over tired, i can't get to sleep. Then there are the times i have to do running around during those times because the MIT isn't able to do some stuff with me. Then there are times i need to just do something. Something like going outside and reading, or being around kids other than the MIT. Something that makes me feel like i am actually part of the world other than that of the MIT's. The debate is always there. Sleep or pleasure. Too bad i can't get both at the same time.
This weekend is slightly different. This weekend i have from Friday at 9pm-Sunday at 5pm. That is right, it is Rygiel weekend. A weekend of the MIT being away for two nights in a row, and the opportunity for me to sleep for 44 hours. Of course that doesn't include times to be awake for food, or pee breaks, driving time, or shower time. This time it feels to overwhelming. The idea of that much time alone feels like too much. At least when it is a shorter amount of time, i am not worried about following my plan. (Ok, back to feeling demented again. i want to die, but am scared i actually will do the deed. How weird.)
Well, time to find something to watch so i can stay awake, when all i want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. Not worrying about if the MIT wakes up or not. Not worrying what anyone would think if i let it happen. Just a long blissful sleep.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Relief (Day 27)
Everything went well yesterday. The MIT even went into a pool. It was a great party. Food was wonderful. Company couldn't be better, except for a few missing in parenting action. A very nice day.
Just a bad dream on Saturday.
Just a bad dream on Saturday.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Nightmare, or Dream? (Day 26)
i couldn't write this yesterday. That is when it happened. i needed a full night's sleep to process it. i was napping. i know i was napping. It was the only way i could have seen this. i dreamed about the MIT's death. i dreamed that it happened today. (dream in italics)
my Mom and Dad called. They had called 911 and were waiting for the ambulance. The MIT was doing that passed out, non-responsive thing. i was driving over there and then called them on my cell to find out when the ambulance got there and were leaving. i made my way to the hospital. Mom and Dad met me at the waiting room. i was not allowed to go into the emergency area. Something happened in the ambulance. He stopped breathing. i fought to be let in. They wouldn't let me in to see Him. i reminded them that i would not get in the way. That i just needed to be on the other side of the curtain. That i needed to be with my son, and that being in the waiting area was making me worse. They let me passed the locked door. They let my parents come with me. My Sis showed then, and they let her in too. After waiting what felt like forever, they let me in to see Him. He was on a respirator. He had wires to the heart monitor. He had IV's. He was not fighting the respirator. He was so pale.
i went out for a smoke. i left Mom and Sis with Him. i needed to make calls. Today was the party for M&S. We were supposed to go there today. i called P and E, telling them we couldn't make it. i explained the MIT was in the hospital. i asked them to let L and D know what was going on (i did not explain about the MIT's stopping breathing and being on the respirator) and to give M&S our love. i told them they could call me on the cell if they needed to talk to me.
Dad and i went back in, and were met by Mom and Sis. The MIT was getting worse. His blood pressure was dropping. His heart was having trouble keeping up. They were moving Him to ICU. They were going to get an emergency EEG done. They didn't know what was going on in His head. i wasn't allowed to go with Him. i didn't care. i went into the area, and stayed there. i was not going to miss saying hello when the MIT woke.
We were taken to ICU. It was about 2:00 pm by now. They wanted me out of the room while the hooked Him up to everything. They tried to distract me by asking me questions. i wasn't able to answer. my concentration was on the MIT. Mom and Dad answered the questions for me. i just wasn't going to leave Him alone. Not with nurses and doctors and people that didn't know Him. He needed me there. i needed to be there. i wouldn't go for a smoke. i wouldn't go for food. The staff were worried about me. my family was worried about me.
At 5:00pm, the MIT died. i wasn't there. They moved me out of the room. They set to work on Him. They shocked Him. They pumped more meds into Him. They never did get the EEG. They did all they could. He wasn't there anymore.
Even in the dream i was in a cloud. i called P and E and told them. They told L and D. i don't know who else they told. They wanted to know where i would be. Would i be at home alone? Would i be at my parent's house? They wanted to see me when they got back. i told them i was fine. i know my voice sounded hollow. i told them i wanted to go home and be alone, but my parents were taking me to their place. my Doctor called. She wanted me in the hospital under observation. my parents said no. They said what happened next was totally up to me.
The next day i was taken home. i answered phone messages. i wasn't really in my head. i felt lost. i picked out the MIT's clothes. Red shirt. Green pants. Tony Stewart cap. i told Mom and Dad that He was to be buried with His green pillow and Papa blankie. i called Karate. i told them what happened. They wanted Him to get a black belt. i said He could be buried with it. Everyone wanted the details. When. Where. i couldn't give them any. i didn't know myself. i allowed Mom and Dad to handle that. i kept saying "no silk pillow, just His green pillow". People started to show up here. They wanted to be here. i wanted to be alone. i wanted everyone out of my house. i wanted to be here. i wanted to be in His bed. They wanted to be with me and make sure i was ok.
i woke up before the funeral. i woke up thinking He was dying. i woke up grieving for something that hadn't happened. i woke up crying. i called my Mom and asked how He was. i needed to make sure that He was fine. i needed to know that they would call me if something went wrong. Mom kept saying i could go over and check on Him. i couldn't do that. Not in the state i was in. i would have freaked Him out. i couldn't stop crying. i was sure it would happen. i am still leery about it happening. i won't feel better until He is here, and we are getting ready to go to the party.
For now, everything is normal. Mom and Dad have Him. i am getting ready for the drive and party. i know in my head that none of this will happen today. my heart is not quite sure.
my Mom and Dad called. They had called 911 and were waiting for the ambulance. The MIT was doing that passed out, non-responsive thing. i was driving over there and then called them on my cell to find out when the ambulance got there and were leaving. i made my way to the hospital. Mom and Dad met me at the waiting room. i was not allowed to go into the emergency area. Something happened in the ambulance. He stopped breathing. i fought to be let in. They wouldn't let me in to see Him. i reminded them that i would not get in the way. That i just needed to be on the other side of the curtain. That i needed to be with my son, and that being in the waiting area was making me worse. They let me passed the locked door. They let my parents come with me. My Sis showed then, and they let her in too. After waiting what felt like forever, they let me in to see Him. He was on a respirator. He had wires to the heart monitor. He had IV's. He was not fighting the respirator. He was so pale.
i went out for a smoke. i left Mom and Sis with Him. i needed to make calls. Today was the party for M&S. We were supposed to go there today. i called P and E, telling them we couldn't make it. i explained the MIT was in the hospital. i asked them to let L and D know what was going on (i did not explain about the MIT's stopping breathing and being on the respirator) and to give M&S our love. i told them they could call me on the cell if they needed to talk to me.
Dad and i went back in, and were met by Mom and Sis. The MIT was getting worse. His blood pressure was dropping. His heart was having trouble keeping up. They were moving Him to ICU. They were going to get an emergency EEG done. They didn't know what was going on in His head. i wasn't allowed to go with Him. i didn't care. i went into the area, and stayed there. i was not going to miss saying hello when the MIT woke.
We were taken to ICU. It was about 2:00 pm by now. They wanted me out of the room while the hooked Him up to everything. They tried to distract me by asking me questions. i wasn't able to answer. my concentration was on the MIT. Mom and Dad answered the questions for me. i just wasn't going to leave Him alone. Not with nurses and doctors and people that didn't know Him. He needed me there. i needed to be there. i wouldn't go for a smoke. i wouldn't go for food. The staff were worried about me. my family was worried about me.
At 5:00pm, the MIT died. i wasn't there. They moved me out of the room. They set to work on Him. They shocked Him. They pumped more meds into Him. They never did get the EEG. They did all they could. He wasn't there anymore.
Even in the dream i was in a cloud. i called P and E and told them. They told L and D. i don't know who else they told. They wanted to know where i would be. Would i be at home alone? Would i be at my parent's house? They wanted to see me when they got back. i told them i was fine. i know my voice sounded hollow. i told them i wanted to go home and be alone, but my parents were taking me to their place. my Doctor called. She wanted me in the hospital under observation. my parents said no. They said what happened next was totally up to me.
The next day i was taken home. i answered phone messages. i wasn't really in my head. i felt lost. i picked out the MIT's clothes. Red shirt. Green pants. Tony Stewart cap. i told Mom and Dad that He was to be buried with His green pillow and Papa blankie. i called Karate. i told them what happened. They wanted Him to get a black belt. i said He could be buried with it. Everyone wanted the details. When. Where. i couldn't give them any. i didn't know myself. i allowed Mom and Dad to handle that. i kept saying "no silk pillow, just His green pillow". People started to show up here. They wanted to be here. i wanted to be alone. i wanted everyone out of my house. i wanted to be here. i wanted to be in His bed. They wanted to be with me and make sure i was ok.
i woke up before the funeral. i woke up thinking He was dying. i woke up grieving for something that hadn't happened. i woke up crying. i called my Mom and asked how He was. i needed to make sure that He was fine. i needed to know that they would call me if something went wrong. Mom kept saying i could go over and check on Him. i couldn't do that. Not in the state i was in. i would have freaked Him out. i couldn't stop crying. i was sure it would happen. i am still leery about it happening. i won't feel better until He is here, and we are getting ready to go to the party.
For now, everything is normal. Mom and Dad have Him. i am getting ready for the drive and party. i know in my head that none of this will happen today. my heart is not quite sure.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Just another day (day 23)
Today is just another day. Things are good. Things are moving slowly around here. We aren't in any hurry to do anything. We wake-up when we want. We eat when we are hungry. We get dressed slowly. It is a nice, slow, summer.
i am really enjoying the new thermostat. i can see exactly what the temp is in the house. i have used less a/c this year, than any prior year. This will surely help my hydro bill. It will also help my gas bill in the winter. That is a good thing.
The MIT is still hurting. i don't know why His hip has been hurting so much. i will have to ask the doctor today about it again. i am going to ask her to refer Him to a specialist. He needs to be able to walk without pain.
Today i will also be asking the doctor to refer me to the diabetic clinic at MUMC. i need their help. i am doing my best, and have made some really good changes, but i am still not able to handle my cravings. i need backup with that. i am currently eating the same breakfast every morning. variety at that meal is not an issue. The same thing is easy, and i feel comfortable with it. It is healthy and good for me, and i actually eat breakfast now. Lunches are my most difficult. i don't really know what to reach for. Dinners are ok, as long as i eat it late. If i eat it too soon, i start craving more and more food as the night goes on. That along with the no sleep seems to work really well.
Over the last week, the MIT has had a really rough time with His body. His right side was gone (off and on) from Thursday until Thursday, and then His body changed sides. His left side has been gone (on and off) since then. His balance is sucking. He falls even when both sides work really well. His physical milestones are just leaving Him. At least His social skills, and His cognitive abilities are growing. That sucks in its own way. He is more aware of how much His body is letting Him down.
Well, that is all for today. i have realized i write more in my written journal than here, and i get lost in what i actually post here verses what i write in there. i have been writing so much, i will soon need a new journal.
i am really enjoying the new thermostat. i can see exactly what the temp is in the house. i have used less a/c this year, than any prior year. This will surely help my hydro bill. It will also help my gas bill in the winter. That is a good thing.
The MIT is still hurting. i don't know why His hip has been hurting so much. i will have to ask the doctor today about it again. i am going to ask her to refer Him to a specialist. He needs to be able to walk without pain.
Today i will also be asking the doctor to refer me to the diabetic clinic at MUMC. i need their help. i am doing my best, and have made some really good changes, but i am still not able to handle my cravings. i need backup with that. i am currently eating the same breakfast every morning. variety at that meal is not an issue. The same thing is easy, and i feel comfortable with it. It is healthy and good for me, and i actually eat breakfast now. Lunches are my most difficult. i don't really know what to reach for. Dinners are ok, as long as i eat it late. If i eat it too soon, i start craving more and more food as the night goes on. That along with the no sleep seems to work really well.
Over the last week, the MIT has had a really rough time with His body. His right side was gone (off and on) from Thursday until Thursday, and then His body changed sides. His left side has been gone (on and off) since then. His balance is sucking. He falls even when both sides work really well. His physical milestones are just leaving Him. At least His social skills, and His cognitive abilities are growing. That sucks in its own way. He is more aware of how much His body is letting Him down.
Well, that is all for today. i have realized i write more in my written journal than here, and i get lost in what i actually post here verses what i write in there. i have been writing so much, i will soon need a new journal.