i can always find a reason to stress

As my friends know, i am a list maker. i like to make lists to keep on track. i like to make lists when something new is about to happen. i like to make lists to help me feel in control.

Right now, i can not make a list in regards to the trip to New York. i don't have enough information yet. i don't know what time we are leaving for the airport. i don't know if the MIT needs to be in His wheelchair for the flight. i don't know what to pack in my carry-on. i don't know what to pack for the MIT's carry-on. i don't know when on the 21st the MIT meets Mike Myers. i don't know what to do while in New York on the free days we have. i don't know what time we are flying home. i don't know what to pack from my limited wardrobe. There is just to little that i do know.

i know we should be leaving on the 19th and returning on the 23rd. i know the MIT meets Mr. Myers on the 21st. That is it.

i need an itinerary. i need a schedule to follow. i need to know how much shopping to do before going. i need to know i should be shopping for. i need to know what the MIT wants to do on our free days. i need to know to know so much before i can start with lists. Lists keep me sane.

So because there is so much i don't know, i am starting to panic. i am starting to freak out. i totally freaked out last night. Crying and stressing and missing and more crying. i even binged last night.

i just really want more information!!!!!!!!!!!

The day after and some good news

So i survived the Confirmation. my Mom took center stage. She did what she always does. i was brushed to the side, and was just a member of the family. But, i kept on a much needed happy face, and even went to my parent's house for dinner. i did get sad at one point, knowing that Mike should have been there. Here is a picture of the MIT with His class and the Bishop after being confirmed.

Today i got a call from the Make-a-Wish foundation, and it is official. The MIT will be meeting Mike Myers on Wednesday February 21st. i don't know for sure what day we will be flying out, but it sounds like it will be on the Monday (19) and returning on the Friday (23). New York in February. i can't wait. Either can the MIT. He is actually excited. He is excited about the ride in a limo, and about being in a hotel room, and about meeting Mike Myers. i am more excited about being in New York. i want to take the MIT on tours. i want to take Him to see sites He has only seen on TV.

But my biggest thing about this trip? What the hell am i going to wear to meet Mike Myers. i know what the MIT is going to wear. He will be wearing His signature red shirt and green pant. Heck that is what He wore to His confirmation, why would meeting a movie/TV star and comic be any different. But what am I going to wear?

(some pictures of the cathedral)

Confirmation Day

i am so stressed out right now. i am not comfortable in any of my clothes. i can't seem to settle. i haven't wrapped the MIT's pressent. i am shaking about going to this without Mike. He would have fought tooth and nail about entering a church, but He would have come. He would be sitting next to me, watching the MIT take this leap from being a member of the church, to being an adult in the eyes of the church. He would also have kept me safe from my Mom's yelling.

That is what i am worried about. i am worried about how my Mom's stress is going to be taken out on me. i am sure she is going to find something wrong with how i am dressed. She will find something wrong with how i wrap the cross the MIT is getting. She will find fault in the tone of my voice, the way i look at her, my silence, my voice. She will find fault in anything i do, and i am in no mood to deal. If i could get away with having alcohol on my breath when she picked me up, i would definitly down a bottle of Bailey's. Instead, if they have communion, i will be taking more than a sip of the wine.

Well, time to take a deep breath, put on makeup, and try to calm down.

All in one day

Therapy went ok yesterday. Sandy asked me a bunch of questions about how the week has gone, and i vented about my Mom and the MIT's confirmation. She then asked me about how Mike would have helped me with it, if He would have been a buffer. So then there was lots of talk about how Mike was a part of the family. How He would calm me down if Mom got to agressive. How He would take care of certain things so i didn't have to go to my Mom for them. Then she said the word "How could you not miss Him?" See, this is my big issue right now. i think i should be not missing Him so much, but do. Anyways, then we got into how i still blame myself for His dying. How i don't really know if it was suicide or not. If it was His big passive-agressive side trying to find away out of the relationship. So we got into talking about Him, and His ability to accept Himself or not, and that brought up more about the BDSM side of our relationship that i had not been open about yet.

So i outted myself. i told Sandy (Jen wasn't there and i don't think i would have told if she was there) about how i am a submissive, and Mike was my Dominant (no i did not use the word Master...only baby steps) and that Mike had begon exploring more of His submissive side, and how He had started to accept that side of Himself. i explained that Mike had "another" that He played with. And all during that time, i could see Sandy counting off the reasons why it could have been suicide, or why it couldn't have been suicide, in her head.

i know that Mike's wife will never tell me what the cause of death was. She has set up road blocks so i can't find out what killed Him. i will have to wait and try to find out when death certificates and post morten reports become public so i can find out for myself.

In other news, today i am looking after E's kids this afternoon. i am going to have to figure out a way to entertain them. i am so broke right now it isn't funny. i am low on bread, on milk, on basic food items, and don't get any money until Monday. i hate being broke. i feel so out of control when i have no money.

i got an email from the AHC mailing list i am on. One of the girls (she is now 25, and i met her when she was about 11) is having more episodes that look like what the MIT has now. This is new for her. She didn't have these sorts of episodes way back when, and has progressed to having full blown episodes with eratic and trouble breathing. This is something that has been happening to the MIT since He was 4. Yes He is progressing to more difficulty breathing. Yes He has more full blown episodes than before, and yes they are scarier. Since AHC is progressive, what have i got waiting for me? What has He got waiting for Him? It scares me to think that there will be more for Him to deal with, that this could lead to His death. That is what it feels like when He has those types of episodes. Like He is going to die. There isn't anything the hospitals or doctors can do for Him during these episodes. i know what the family is going through, and i want to reach out, but how do i say that it will get worse? That the trouble breathing will increase. That the times when His body really lets Him down happens more often. How do i tell myself that worse things will be happening, and i can't do anything about it? i don't think i can go there right now. Enjoy Him while He is here. That is all i can do. Well that, and give Him more hugs and squeezes every day.

i also get to set goals for myself again for this week. Last week went pretty well. i am using a sticker chart and giving myselt stars or happy faces when i complete a task for the day.

1) Have 4 showers this week
2) Go out and get groceries on Monday with the MIT
3) Drink at least 64 oz of water each day
4) Cook dinner on Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights
5) Go out someplace (no just picking someone up) 3 times this week
6) Get dressed in real clothes 4 times this week
7) No eating after 8:00pm each night

The last one is really hard for me, but it is a healthy thing to do. Maybe after some time of me doing the water and the no eating after 8, i will be able to fit back into the jeans that L gave me, and looked so damn good on me.

Quick recap :
1) outted myself to Sandy as being a submissive and that Mike was a switch that wasn't comfortable in His own skin
2) i want to find out what Mike died from
3) complained about no money
5) i am worried about the MIT's health and future
4) goals set for this week

The end of my week

Today marks the end of my week. Tomorrow starts a new one. This week i did really well. i have gone out more than 3 times. Today's shower means i have had more than 3 showers. i have had all 64 onzes of water each day since i started that. i have gotten dressed more than 3 times this week. i am really proud of this.

Today also means going to see Sandy and Jen. i don't know what we will talk about. It all depends on how i feel at the time i guess. i think venting about my Mom might be on the agenda, but maybe not. We will see.

Having the MIT at home all week has been difficult, and i am over tired. His beeping through the night and me not getting to nap like i usually do is hard. i can't wait for His exams to be over. Then He can go to school again. Then i can do a different routine. Then again, maybe His being here is helping with a routine.

catching up on goals

So far this week, i have increased my water drinking, gotten dressed 2 times, showered once, gone out and gotten groceries. i did not cook on Saturday, or Sunday, but i did on Monday. So far, so good.

Yay me!

Finding a way outside

So, i have gotten up, put in 2 loads of laundry (one is in the dryer now, and the other is in the washer). i have had a shower (that's one). i have changed over to the new blogger format (i am thinking of making this password protected). i have put all my meds into my week case (it has seperate compartments for each day of the week, and for each time i am supposed to take my meds). i have even played with my Webkins. Now i just need to figure out how to get out the door.

i have grocery shopping to do. i have no eggs, hot chocolate, oatmeal, pop for the MIT, bread. i have to go to the store. i just can't seem to make myself. i know how to do it. i have done it many times over. i have my "tools" on how to survive it. my iPod is all charged and ready to go. i have my list of things to get. i am not hungry so i won't go off list. i should be able to do this. i guess i just have to talk myself into it more. Maybe i need to just do it.

Until then, a bit of a break-through. i started to write out a fantasy last night. i spent 1 hour on it, and already have 4 pages done. i don't know if i will post it here, because the premise points to people i know, and have talked about here. i don't know if i am ready to expose them to others in my fantasy. i am thinking i will ask them if i should post it here, but that means letting them read it. i don't know if i want evil (in a good way) minds knowing what i am thinking about.

Oh and on the rest of my goals list i posted yesterday. i didn't cook last night, unless you count leftovers. Which i am doing. I also have a new goal. i found my old Weight Watchers sport bottle thingy, and am going to have at least 2 full ones, filled with water each day. Water is good for you. i need to start drinking more water and less pop.

Ok, this is still me figuring out how to get out the door. Wish me luck

Update : i made it outside. That means that i also got dressed in real clothes (that's 1). i went and got groceries all by myself, and i even went to get smokes from the reserve. i am now totally wiped out, and ready for a nap.

After Therapy

Therapy was ok today. i walked in with an ok attitude (i had just gotten 2 interesting phone calls, and the effect was nice). Sandy took it easy on me. i only cried a little.

We talked about what Mike has left me with. Not just material stuff, but emotional stuff. i can still see myself threw His eyes. i can still see myself as beautiful. i can still see myself as a good submissive. i can still see myself as confident in some things. Yeah there are still issues, and i have had some set backs in looking at myself threw His eyes, but it made me feel better to hear it, and is making me more aware of how i look at things.

i need to set some goals for myself. i haven't had any goals since Christmas. It is time again. Especially after this past week. So, goals for this week (Friday-Friday)

1) Shower 3 times. (compared to the no times over the past 7 days)
2) Get dressed 3 times. (compared to the wearing pajamas all week)
3) Do 3 reflexology treatments
4) Cook meals on Saturday, Sunday and Monday
5) Get out of the house and get groceries, alone (compared to having others take me out for little running around sessions)

Well, i guess that is all. Here is hoping i can do it.

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Something positive?

OK, positive thoughts.

The MIT is still a light in my life and i get to spend all next week with Him again. He has the week off because He doesn't get to take exams. He and i get to spend more quality and quantity time together. He is so cuddly.

i have been taking my medications when i should. This is a big deal for me, since i would rather sleep my time away, and have actually gotten up and taken my meds as prescribed.

i have completed 2 foot procedures since the new year started. i still have alot to do, but i have cleaned up my room more, so i can take clients in there, even if the nurse and MIT are here. i don't know when people will come here, but i will work it out. i just wish i had more people that i could do procedures on. (Anyone in the Toronto/Hamilton/St. Catherine's area want to volunteer? No charge. Donations welcomed.)

i have 2 webkins (http://www.webkins.com) that keep me entertained and out of trouble.

Well, that is all i can think of. Maybe i will come up with more later.

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Broken still

i have been feeling broken since the 12th. That was the date of my last therapy session. i said things out loud, i had been protecting myself from feeling. All this week i have felt like i was split apart in many different pieces. i have hidden in my room, wearing only pajamas all week. Even going out to the store i have worn pajamas. i have been crying at the drop of a hat. i have cancelled going out to stuff. i have curled up in the dark, listening to nothing, drinking hot chocolate. i have sat on my bed, surrounded by covers and pillows and stuffed things, colouring. i have been working on puzzles and trying to piece them together. Today is therapy again, and i am not looking forward to it.

i am worried about feeling more broken and in more pieces. It makes me feel out of control (and not in the good way). i don't know if i can handle another week of feeling like this. i want all the sad to go away. i want all the hurt to go away. i want to be able to look forward to waking up again. i want to feel in control again. i want to stop crying for no reason. (ok, so there is a reason, but shouldn't i be over it by now?) i don't want to post or feel only sad things. i want to feel some joy again.

i am going to post a second entry in a minute, trying to post positive things about this past week or so. i want to post positive thoughts and maybe a fantasy or something that isn't so sad and weak.

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No School due to Weather

That is right. It is the very first day of school closures due to the weather. It isn't a snow day though, because that would imply that we actually have snow. We don't. We have ice and ice.

Ice, although dangerous, is pretty. The trees are all glittery. The sidewalks have that shimmery surface that only ice can give it. The rain is still falling, and the ice is still forming, so who knows how much this ice will do to things.

What i know, is that i am almost out of diet Pepsi, hot chocolate, and even some meds. All these things i need to leave the house to get. That means driving on icy roads with people that may not be used to driving on ice. i am not sure that is a challenge i am up to. We will see if i actually leave the house or not. At least i have tea. That will help me feel all warm and cozy, along with my pajamas, and a puzzle to complete.

i just wish there was snow.

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Feeling broken

i had therapy on Friday, and since then i have felt broken. i feel like there are so many pieces of me shattered that i can't put myself back together. i have been hiding in my room since.

Sandy got me to say out loud how much i am missing Mike. How i still want to just plain wake up and it be May again. How i think maybe i am the one passes out in a hospital bed and everyone is waiting for me to wake-up. That Mike is sitting by my side and holding my hand and the MIT is with Him, and my parents, and everyone is just waiting for me. That i am the one that is dead and living in hell. Yes i have been feeling this, and yes i can put on a happy face at times, but that is how i feel. She got me to say it out loud.

Now i feel broken. Lost in grief again. Not knowing how to come out the other side. Crying is a constant. Thinking i have upset people, that i have let people down, that i am alone in feeling all this.

i feel like saying sorry to L&D for screwing up and eating cashews. i feel like saying sorry to P&E for not helping with the move. i feel like making it up to everyone but i don't know how. i am glad the MIT isn't here with me today, or even last night. He shouldn't have to see all this again. He shouldn't have to live in a sad house again. But that is how i feel. Sad. Lost in this feeling like i can never be whole again. Lost in this feeling that it is all my fault, that if i had done something differently Mike would still be here. Lost in guilt and grief and fear.

i feel so broken, and i don't know how to put the pieces together again. i tried taking down all the Christmas stuff and stuffing it all in its boxes. That just made me feel more sad. i tried talking to Him last night, asking Him to wake me up, but here i am, alone. i don't know how to get out of feeling this way. i don't know how to feel whole again.

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Nuts!

Yesterday i did something stupid. i ate some cashews. Let me explain

On May 9th, 2006, i was diagnosed with allergies to tree nuts. i have an epi-pen incase this allergy causes trouble breathing. Tree nuts include almonds, walnuts, pecans, pistachio, brazil nuts, beechnuts, cashews, chestnuts, and macadamia nuts. i am not allergic to peanuts. Peanuts are a different nut all together. Since being diagnosed, i have eaten some types of tree nuts, like walnuts and almonds, with no reaction. That is a good thing.

So, after cleaning L&D's place, and after getting the girls, i had some cashews from a container of mixed nuts that were on the table. Within 15 mins (might have been less) my stomach was cramping, and i was vomiting. i already had benadryl in me (L&D have cats) so the itching and sneezing stuff didn't happen. Luckily, i did not get any breathing problems. i kept falling asleep. Even after L got home, i would doze off. i felt like i was outside of my body. It felt really weird. i left early, not getting any reflexology practice, and drove all the way home. Shortly after that, i was fast asleep. i slept all night long.

i love cashews. i remember eating them every Christmas time. Unfortunately, my body has now decided that cashews are not a good food for me. This morning my body is not happy with me. i missed last night's meds. i am itchy and my eyes are swollen. my face is blotchy. i look like a mess. So, no more cashews for me.

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Looking to the positive

Things feel like they are going better. i guess i am feeling better also. i have been taking my medication when i am supposed to. 6:30, 12:00, 5:00, and 9:30. i am taking all of them and not missing any. i am also taking my puffers when i am supposed to, and not over using them. my cough feels better, and my voice is coming back to normal. i even got to do 2 reflexology treatments last night.

i haven't heard anything from either the President Choice Charities people (wheelchair van) or the Make-a-Wish people (meeting Mike Myers). i hope to hear from them soon. This waiting sucks. Even with the waiting, good things seem to be happening.

The MIT is getting confirmed (Anglican style) on the 28th. This is something He really wants to do. He has been taking the confirmation classes for a bit, and is enjoying them. He has true faith. He doesn't question why bad things happen, or why God would do something like take a life. He gets mad at God at times, but still believes with His whole heart that there is God and Jesus was God's son. It is nice to see that He believes in something so fully. That isn't to say He puts down other beliefs. He understands and has interest in the Jewish faith. i have introduced Him to the Pagan faith. His next interest is Islam. He even attends a Catholic High School. It is like He wants to understand them all, and get a sense of them all, but He still believes in Christianity. He is a really cool kid that way. i really got to enjoy Him again, during the Christmas vacation time. i hope i can say the same in another week, when He is off for exams.

For me, well, today puts me back on a normally scheduled event. i get to clean today! No, not my house. i hate cleaning my house. i get to clean L&D's place today. i am also going to get to do a reflexology treatment on at least L.

So, i may be fighting it with almost everything i have, but life seems to be going forward. i still need to get on with life here at home. Yes the tree is down, but all the decorations are either still up, or sitting on my kitchen table. i need to put that stuff away. i also need to start taking care of myself in other ways. i haven't shaved in forever. my pits are hairy, and so are my legs and other areas. my feet are dry and scaly. my skin is all dry and needs looking after. i haven't put makeup on in forever. My dress feels sloppy and unkempt because i just don't seem to care. i need to start taking care of myself that way. Yes, the nasty part of my brain keeps speaking up, and reminds me that i have no one to do it for, but i do. i have myself to do it for.

i am also starting to crave again. Crave giving myself over to Another. Crave following direction. Crave pain and release. Crave being under someone's thumb. i have the desire, the craving, but that nasty part of my brain keeps speaking up about how it hasn't been long enough. That i would be pushing myself too soon. i don't know about all that, just that i am craving again.

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A punch to the gut

i just read an email from the AHC (Alternating Hemilplegia of Childhood) list. It was from a parent i had met when the MIT was first diagnosed. At the time, the daughter was an active pre-teen. She was having a few episodes, doing ok in school, was in special classes for most subjects, and had red hair and glasses. i was scared of her. i saw the way she walked, and it wasn't a "normal" walk. i heard the way she spoke and it wasn't a "normal" speach. Other than that, she was fine.

Over the years, i have read about her progress, but nothing warned me about the email i just read. She is now having the stopping breathing episodes. She is having more and more days where she can't move. She needs to be fed more often then she can feed herself. None of this was ever commented on before. The family can't find a group home for her, since she stops breathing so often. They are looking into a nursing home for her. She is now 25.

The MIT shows this behaviour now. The stopping breathing. More and more episodes where He needs constant care. If this is where He is now, and she has progressed to where He already is, how much longer? How much longer before He gets worse and worse? How much worse can He get? How much longer will He be with me?

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hmmmm.....

i have got to get into doing my foot procedures done. i have to do 70 procedures (not 70 people, and not 70 feet). i have done 5. Yes, i said 5. So, i have to get them done. i want to complete this. i want to be able to make money at this eventually. Sitting on my butt is not going to do it.

i have set it up so i can get started. i have arranged that my Sis will watch the MIT on Thursday nights so i can get at least one procedure in (maybe 3 if i am allowed to do the girls, and maybe even 4, if i get to do the boy). i am also going to be going over to E's every Wednesday so i can do at least one that night (maybe 3 if i can get the girl and boy to let me). Then there will be the occasional person on a weekend. If i can keep up this pace (limited to 2 people per week) it will take me about 32 weeks. If i can add in the other people, or even find other people, it will take me shorter.

i also have to set up a date to write my exam, and book times for my mid-term and final practical exams.

i have all my stuff now. i have the pillows. i have my pillow cases. i have my charts. i have my paperwork. i have all my towels and witch hazel. i have a space in my room to do the procedures. i have everything i need. i have everything, except the chair. i can work around the chair. i can have people lay on my bed and i can sit on a stool and do the procedure. That isn't really a big issue, but i really want that darn chair.

The chair is a portable recliner. i used one at the school. It is easy to use, and easy to set up. It is perfect. The way it is made, i have a spot to hang towels and stuff off of. i have a spot to put my bottle of witch hazel. i have full access to the person's feet without hurting my back. It is the perfect chair, and even recommended by the Ontario Institute of Reflexology. i want one!!!!!

Here is the link to a picture of it. Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it perfect?
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B00011HJLQ/ref=dp_image_0/103-2972667-1950265?ie=UTF8&n=286168&s=garden

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Back to the old routine

The MIT is back at school today. That means we have to start our old routine.

i wake-up and play on the computer from 5:30-6:00
i wake the MIT at 6:00, then He gets dressed
breakfast for the MIT from 6:30-7:00
7:00 MIT puts on coat, socks and shoes and gets ready for the bus
between 7:20-7:30 the bus gets the MIT

From that point, it is all me time. Today i am going to head back to bed for a nap, then get up for lunch. After lunch, do running around. i must be home for the MIT by 2:30. Maybe getting back into a routine will be good for me. It will give me structure. It will give me something to wake-up for each morning. i just wish i didn't have to get up at 5:30 to make sure everything runs smoothly.

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Therapy

i reclaimed something Thursday night. Something i thought was lost with Mike's death. The ability to make myself orgasm without that "yes" in my ear. i did it. Yes i still asked for permission out loud. Yes i still begged for me to be allowed. It was like i gave myself permission. Man did i feel guilty afterwards. i still do. i feel like i betrayed Him. That i let Him down.

Yesterday was a busy day. First it was my doctor's appointment. Then was the session with (what the MIT calls them) my Beths.

The doctor's went well. i lost 5 lbs. my blood pressure was normal. i got a new med to help with my asthma. She checked my chest to make sure there wasn't an infection. She said there were a few rumbles, but not to be worried. She took a peak out to the MIT and saw how big He is getting. She told me some gossip about another doctor i know. It was a really cool.

The Beths. Lets see. They have realized that right now my big block is involving Mike, and not the MIT. Yes i have issues i need to work through concerning the MIT, His disorder, His changing status, but none of that is what is really holding me back right now, or what is motivating the thoughts of suicide and anxiety. It is hard not telling them everything about the type of relationship i had with Mike. i have danced around it. i have said things like we negotiated about "rules" (yes i did the quote thing in the air when i said it), that there were consequences to not following what we had negotiated. i have said that He guided me threw allot of stuff, and helped me set goals. i have said that i feel lost since His death. i don't think i have come all out and said what our relationship was really like. i don't know if i really want them to know. Yes i think they will judge me if they knew.

So we talked about how the relationship was. They said i had a smile on my face when i talked about Him and i. Even when i talked about the arguments, and the breakups we went through. i didn't feel like i smiled. i just remembering pain. Pain in my chest. Pain in my stomach. Physical pain when describing memories. We talked about how guilty i feel for not being able to stop Him from dying. How i should have still been online with Him so i could have called 911. How i don't know how or why He died and i am sure i could have done something to make it not happen.

When i got home, all i could do was cry. Cry and weep and feel more pain. Cry over the loss of my collar around my neck. Cry for not being able to remember what His voice sounds like. Cry for not being able to smell Him on His clothes. Cry for not being able to remember what kissing Him feels like. Cry for Him not being here to hold me. Cry for not having to worry about where i sit in the house. Cry for sitting in His place on the couch and ignoring my space on the floor. Cry for missing Him so much it hurts.

i feel like i am stuck. i feel like i am lost in tears and sadness and can't see to tomorrow anymore. i am scared of the MIT going back to school and having nothing to do during the day anymore. i am scared that i have lost my power to motivate myself. i am tired. i am just so tired again. i miss feeling joy, or happiness.

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