Thursday, January 31, 2008

Cyst sucks

Who knew that a cyst could take so much energy out of me? Who knew the antibiotic would make my stomach roll so much? Who knew that i would be looking forward to going to the doctor's tomorrow to have a whole put into my body (again) to get gunk taken out of me? i didn't know all this. Now i do.

i have accomplished some stuff, mainly because the MIT is still home, and doesn't return to school until tomorrow. His not going to school during the exam weeks is hard. We have gotten groceries, done running around, used up the last of His Christmas certificates. He has been really good at entertaining Himself. He has been really good at "mothering" me. He makes sure i take my meds on time, and that i lie down on the couch and not move to much. Well, He does until He is hungry. Then i am supposed to jump up and get moving. He is a good boy. i am glad He is my son.

i am actually looking forward to tomorrow. At least then the pressure will be gone, and i may actually be able to move around better.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Here is what happens when i can't sleep

A perfect gift

They come from you,
With little hands and feet.
A cry that says,
The battle, they beat.

Your heart drops hard
When you come to know,
They are not “perfect”.
They may not grow.

For years you fight
And fight in vain.
Perfection now has
A different name

They grow beyond
What others thought.
They gain beyond
Their “given” lot.

But still you watch,
You wait and see.
Your worry continues,
You don’t know when it will be.

The plans have been made.
The ceremony decided.
And still you wait.
And pray.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Reflecting the positive

At my therapy session yesterday, i realized i have done a lot of positive things lately. With my therapist, i used the words "grown-up". The reality is, i actually did things without putting them off longer. i did things in a timely manner, even when it wasn't comfortable for me to do.

1) i found out about gaining power of attorney for the MIT, and found out what i really need is guardian ship, and i don't need to do it until He is 18

2) i confronted friends about how i was feeling, and i was answered in return. Nothing has really be resolved yet, but that is coming.

3) my certificate came in the mail. i have celebrated it, and i will be doing "advertising" once i find out what will happen with OW, if i go into owning my own business

4) i have been taking my meds on my new schedule. It works much better with my sleeping habits and with my eating habits.

5) i am burning sage candles and sage incense again. Mike's favourite type of incense. The smell brings back many memories, and i am embracing them.

6) i handled an incident with the MIT. He hurt me again, and i didn't hurt Him back. i also didn't negotiate a reduction in His punishment, even if it was to get Him eating. i waited Him out, and He is eating again.

7) i told a friend how much i trust them. i told them i am comfortable with them, flirting with them, and don't feel guilty doing so, like i do with others.

8) i have given more of Mike's stuff away. Stuff i didn't need, and that didn't mean so much to me. It is feeling good.

Overall, i have had a pretty good couple of weeks. my weight hasn't changed. i am not trying to loose weight, but i am sure not looking to gain any either. my house is tidy. my plants aren't dying. i also have my room set up for quiet movie time tonight. The re-introduction of the med i had stopped, seems to be helping me not feel so down. i am not manic, but i seem....normal.

i am proud of how i have been lately.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

What to do?

He is not eating. He is not sick. He just refuses food. Yesterday and today. Doesn't want to eat. No chocolate, no drink, no tea, no breakfast, no dinner. He is just refusing food. i don't understand. He didn't pee all day yesterday. He has peed this morning. i am worried. Time to call the doctor again.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Pain, and not the good kind

What ever relaxation i had, left this evening. Tonight, i got beat-up by my Kid, the MIT. i have a cut on my nose. i have hair missing. i have bruising from His punching me. i got afraid, and ran from Him. i am hurting, both physically and emotionally. How did i raise this nice Kid, but still He finds it OK, on some level, to take His anger about what ever, on me?

i wonder if i will get a black eye from His clawing at my face. i wonder how the bruises on my shoulder and back will last. i wonder if i am a bad mom.

The weekend

i am relaxed. i spent time away from the computer. Watching DVD's on a portable player, in bed, is fun. i feel re-energized again. No TV is good. No computer is good. Quietly reading to Didgeriedoo music is good. i must remember to keep doing this.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


i am sad. i am hurt. i am angry. i am stunned. i am confused.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Stiff and sore and thinking

As i watch the snow slowly fall, all i can think about is the pain in my legs, back and shoulders, my stuffy nose, and my sore throat. The other thing i think about is why.

i am sad and angry for my friends. They are having to deal with something they shouldn't have to. But they are doing amazing through it all. They are both being strong. They have each other's backs. They hug each other and listen to each other, and they are going to make it threw. i just know it.

Through this, i can sort of see what it was like when B had to clean out Mike's place, after His death. i can see how picking and choosing what to keep can be so hard. i can see how her anger towards me played a part in it. i can see how "getting it right" might have played into her having to pick and choose so much. Yes i would have liked to have been included, but i also see now how having someone else there, talking about what they would have wanted, would have been so hard. Only now am i starting to go though some of the stuff Mike left here. She only had a day to do it all. And it was His birthday. At least i have a lifetime.

i guess what i am saying is, by watching my friends deal with this terrible time, i have begone to forgive B. i have a better understanding as to how she would have felt if i had been there. i do not forgive her for the way she treated me, or for the words exchanged, but i do understand better, how she would have felt that day.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

A Weekend

Yesterday was a productive day. i went to Walmart for some groceries (and forgot to pickup more towels), went to Chapters and got the complete series of the Golden Compass, went to Starbucks for a treat, and went to Fortinos and got more groceries. Very productive.
Then i "borrowed" the MIT's DVD player, and watched 300 in the comfort of my bedroom and bed. Now that was cool. i think i will do that more often. i actually am planning on doing that today, before the MIT gets home.

Today has also been productive. i cleaned out the top shelf of my closet. It looks full, but it actually is holding less. i also cleaned up the stuff that was under the "phone bench" that Mike had given to me. That bench is leaving today to a good home. Instead of the bench, i now own a really big box. i am going to use it to store all my reflexology towels, blankets and pillows. That way clients know they are dust free. i am worried it will become a dumping ground for all my stuff, as i enter my room, but i know all i have to do is clean it off when a client is scheduled.
i also did something i swore i would never due. i contacted S&B. Sure it was about getting some books back, but i had made a promise to myself to never bring them back into my life. They did deliver the books back yesterday afternoon. Seeing them again just solidified my opinion about them. i still feel like they used me right after Mike died. i still feel like i was a "toy" in their games with each other. i still can't believe that S was one of the people Mike felt could / would take care of me after His death. i much prefer the other people He left me with.

L&D were wonderful, and still are. They gave me a chance to grieve and to play and to let go of feeling like crying all the time. They made their home a safe harbour without memories of times spent there with Mike. i just don't understand why i haven't heard from them in such a long time. It feels like they are mad at me over something, but i have no idea what. There was no talk about getting together for Yule. There has yet to be talk about getting together now. i have left numerous messages on their voice mail, and have even emailed them via Face Book, but have yet to really hear anything. i just really wish i knew what i did to offend them so much.

P&E are and have always been a perfect match with me. We all get along. We understand each other. They were and are rocks in my grieving process. i feel so safe with them. i know that if i asked to be played with tomorrow, they wouldn't judge me for it. i know that if i need someplace to cry, their shoulders would be there. i also know that if they need help, they will get a hold of me. They will also tell me when i am being a shit. With them, i can be myself, or whatever self i need to be at the time. Care giver, lonely friend, messed up and grieving, child like, flirty, or even just a place to go to not be alone.
Then there is SH. i really need to spend more time with her getting to know her. i know she understands being left alone. She is divorced and knows what it is like to loose someone she has been with after what feels like forever. She knows and understands the difficulty in "getting back out there". She know and understands how it feels to be in the presence of couples and feeling left out.

OK, this is getting mushy. Time to watch a movie before the MIT gets home. OH, but first, pictures of the old bench, and of the new box.

Old bench
New box

Friday, January 11, 2008

Therapy again

i have been pretending that everything is alright. That i was moving forward. That life doesn't suck as much as it does. That i was "getting over" Mike's death. Yeah well, today that all came crumbling down.

i sat there crying for 20 minutes about how much i still want to wake-up. That the whole point of taking the reflexology was to prove that i could have something that was just mine. That if i finished it, i would deserve to wake up and have earned the right to my life back. To His life back. To our life back.

How i still think it is my fault He died. That i must have done something really wrong to make Him go away. That He had promised to not leave me. That He broke that promise. That i still want to die. That i don't want this life that i have, without Him in it. That waking up to this reality sucks. That i just want this to all be a dream and to wake-up, in His arms, and get back to normal. i have survived 19 months without Him, and proved that i love Him, and i deserve for everything to go back to normal.

Hell, i never retaliated when B put me down, called me names, called my son names, threatened me, screamed at me. i never retaliated against A&L when they went behind my back, called me names, told people stories, turned people against me. Yes i yelled at L and yes i was angry, but i never retaliated with any of the things they did to me, including letting them come to the memorial that was held for those that knew Him here. i haven't gone to His grave. i know that would bother B.

i have been a good girl. i haven't gone out looking to replace Him. i can't even think about that. But still, He won't wake me up. Every morning i get to realize that He is still dead. It sucks. i hated admitting it today. i hate admitting it now.

i just want Our life together back. i want Him back. i need Him back. i feel so lost without Him.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Living on a RollerCoaster

When the MIT is home, i enjoy being with Him and can concentrate on being His mom. When He is not home, i am wallowing, missing, not wanting to face the sun or the outside. This up and down sucks. He is not home yet, and i just want to crawl back into bed, wearing my cuffs and hide.

The cuffs make me feel better. Closer to who i used to be. Closer to who i am missing. i want to wear them all the time. i want to feel who i used to be more often. It isn't practicle. It isn't who i am right now. Right now i am just a lonely woman that feels lost. Right now i am a Mom. Right now i am boring with no life. Right now, i don't feel like i want a life. i enjoy being home. It is comfortable.

OK, the MIT is home now. Time to play Mom.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The benefits of the Beast

There have been hidden benefits of owning the Beast. For those that don't know, the Beast is the new van.

1) i now take the MIT to karate when my Dad is in town. This means i get to see how well the MIT is doing at karate. This is something that i haven't been able to do in the past, because my Mom would normally take Him. She is not at all comfortable with the Beast, so i get to drive. So i get to see the MIT do kicks, punches, running and other stuff He doesn't do at home. This also means i can see what His body is no longer able to do. i don't think i will ever get used to that part.

2) i can now take the MIT anywhere, no matter how much of His body isn't working. Friday was an adventure. We went to do running around and used the wheelchair the entire time. No real back pain. No lifting Him in and out of the vehicle. Yeah it took us longer than usual, but it was really cool

3) The "i'm bigger than you so get used to it" attitude. Yes i swore i would not get into this attitude, but i can't help it. i am taller than almost everything on the road (buses are taller). i am longer than almost everything on the road. i am whiter than almost anything on the road and very hard to miss being seen. So yeah, i am getting the attitude, but at least i recognize it, so i am trying to change it.

So yeah, there are benefits to having the Beast. Yeah i still have to get over the negative thoughts about having it. A little step at a time

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Dear Sir

i have been thinking about You alot. i am really missing You. Your touch and Your voice aren't here anymore and i really wish they were. i really wish You were. i am wearing the "dress" cuffs You had made for me. i need them to remember who i am. i am Yours. i will always be Yours. i can't even think about being anyone else's. It is just who i am. Yours.

You would be proud of me i think. i passed my reflexology. i have the wheelchair van now. i hope that You are proud of me. Heck, i survived another Christmas without You. i survived another New Years without You calling me. i even asked the doctor for help when things were getting really dark in my heart and head. i am taking care of Splotchy more. The Eeyore pillow You got me for my birthday has a hole in it. i am scared of using it and causing it more damaged. Hippo misses You too. He doesn't have anyone to bug anymore.

i still have lots of questions about how You died, and about why You died. i still get angry when i think about You dying and leaving me. i still feel like i must have pushed You so hard that You had to die. i still wish i could just wake up and You be here again. Tonight is one of those nights. The last few weeks have been like that. The nights are the worst. Knowing i won't hear from You in the morning, or that You aren't waking up in my bed.

i miss You
Your wendy/lyx

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

New Year's Day Morning

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!

This is what i woke up to. Isn't it pretty. A snow day, but on a holiday. The snow isn't stopping any time soon. Today is a day to curl up with candles, warm soup, and the MIT. Sounds good.