Don't Wanna

Today i get to go and to the St. Joe's phsyciatry department for an assessment.  i don't wanna go.  i want to stay home and curl up in bed and hide.  i want to keep doing what i have been doing.  i want to only let out how i feel on my terms, and not someone else's.  i don't want to open up for a perscribed amount of time.  i don't want to let the piled-up emotions to come flooding out and feel broken again.  i feel like i have rebuilt myself back up.  i have put many of the pieces back into place and i am surviving.  i know i am not all fixed.  i know there is alot more for me to put back into place.

Yes i still think of hurting myself.  i still have plans in place of when, and how.  i still want and even feel like i need to do it.  The only thing keeping me here is MIT.  i can't figure out how to do it without it hurting Him emotionally or even physically.  And i hate it.  i hate that the MIT has that much control over my life.  i hate that my whole world revolves around this person that depends on me so much.  i just hate and resent Him alot right now.  i hate that the one thing i resent the most is the only thing keeping me from following threw.

Yes, i know.   i do this with every new experience.  i know i tend to get all nervous before hand and then go through with it, and it is never as bad as i thought it would be.  i am just really worried about how i will be tonight, after the appointment.  i am worried i can't bury what ever comes out while there.  i am worried that i will implode from all the "storing" i have been doing.  i am worried they will want me in the hospital. 

i know i still have more fixing to do, that all the pieces are not back in place.  i know i have been battling this depression for over 10 years without seeing someone "professionally" (other than my family doctor).  i am still here.  Like i told the lady on the phone, i can't be anything but here. 

Venting isn't working this morning

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Things i learned

After rearranging my bedroom, i learned a few valuable lessons.

1. Never move a dresser with all the clothes and junk in it.


2. See number 1 when moving the second dresser.


3. Never move a book shelf without taking all the books off it, or the shelf will do it for you.


4. Never move your bed when it is still all together and has the books that fell off the shelves on it.


5. Bending from the legs instead of the back means less back pain, but more leg pain.


6. Be prepared to find things that have been missing for a long time.


7. Be prepared to find things left here by Mike and have crying outbursts remembering Him and His death.


8. A vacuum cleaner can not handle a blindfold.


9. Try not to break the belt of the vacuum in the middle of cleaning out under your bed.


10. Be prepared to find new places for things that used to have places when the furniture was elsewhere.

Now my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts, and most importantly, my hands hurt.  Gripping things hurt right now.  i hope it won't last long.  i still have class on Friday.  At least it is mostly done.  i have pictures to move around, as they are no longer centered above the bed and now dresser.  i have a space where i want to put a toy box for me (lil_lizzy).  i have stuff that needs to go to amity/goodwill/etc.  Other than that.  i am quite happy with the way my room turned out. 

Today is homework (2 chapters and practice the relaxation foot proceedure).  i am hoping to practice at least 2-3 times before Friday.  The chapter stuff is easy.   Right now, i am on the skeletal system.  i wish i had baked cookies yesterday.  i love doing homework while munching on cookies, and having some milk.  Old memories, but good memories. 

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A change.....

Don't ask me why, but today i decided to rearrange my bedroom.  Move the bed, move the dressers, move the end tables (aka file cabinets).  Just move everything around and clean out what i don't need and what i do need and then either get rid of it or put it in the basement.

Everything was going really well.  i cleaned out the corner that seemed to store more than it should.  i moved the tall dresser (i really need a new/old one).  i moved the end table.  i moved the bed.  While i was moving everything i was vacuuming as i went.  Then it happened.

The vacuum ate something it shouldn't have and now the belt is broken.  Sure i can still vacuum up dust, but the entire floor is needing a good going-over.  Add to that the fact that i really don't have the money to get it fixed, and i feel like i am at a standstill.  Add to that the fact that i will need to actually move furniture down into the basement, and i really don't feel like going any further.  Too bad i have to, as i don't have any room on my bed right now to fit me.

 i guess it is time to get back to work.  i need to have it all done before the MIT gets home.  At least that isn't until 8, but there is still other stuff to do.  Making tuna salad for the MIT for lunches.  Baking cookies so the MIT has a treat in His lunch.  Take the stuff to Amity, or where ever i will take it.  Move stuff into the basement.  Lots of stuff to still do.

Man this is a mundane entry.  This is what most of my hand written journal looks like.  Mundane, everyday stuff.  Nothing really exciting to write about.  Just another typical day in my life. 

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Opening Seasons

Why have all of the shows lately, all the premiers, been about grieving and being left behind?

Grey;s Anatomy : An intern (Izzy) falls in love with a patient (Paul?).  Patient needs a new heart.  Intern makes it happen (not quite legally).  Patient gets new heart and all is well.  They talk about getting married.  They talk about the future.  They make promises to each other.  Everything is good.  All is well.  Suddenly patient dies.  Out of no where.  Everything was good, and he dies.  Intern starts to grieve, knowing all the promises are finished.  What should have been is gone.  She feels alone.  Feels like she has died.  Everything was so good, and then nothing is left.  Nothing at all.  No more promises of good things.  Just pain and nothing. 

Ghost Whisperer : Friends.  Best Friends.  One is slightly weird (Melinda), the other accepting of the weirdness.  Plans for the future being formed.  Friendship blooming.  Life is all good.  The accepting one dies, suddenly. The weird one is left, wondering why.  Not wanting to accept the other's death.  Not knowing what to do.  Not having someone to bounce how she feels off of.  Not having her friend there to comfort her when she needs it the most.  Not knowing how to find closure.

My mom says it is always like that every season.   That at the end of every season, someone is dying, or about to die or has died.  That every new season, the characters have to deal with the grief.  She says that this year it is just so much more apparent to me.  That it is just they way TV is, and that i am finding more of my grief as i watch.

Today i am going to pickup Mike's altar box.  i will be getting stuff back that was His.  i will be getting stuff back that is mine.  i am driving myself.  Maybe i will call my sister and ask her to drive.  i don't know if i can do this on my own.  Really not sure.  i don't know where i will put it.  i know i want it, need it even.  So i will be going to get it.  Either alone, or with support.  i am going to get it.

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Dream Interpretation

Ok, this is getting rediculous.  i have had, at least three times a week, dreams that include rats.  Big hairy ugly rats.  Rats lying in food.  Rats running around.  Rats that have landed on me.  Rats that have run around me.  Rats that i have chased.  Rats that i have captured and thrown out the door.  Rats that i have captured and given to other people. 

These dreams have taken place in my house.  Only once did a cat come into the dream.  The rats were living above my stove.  Other times my dream takes place some where else.  i don't know where it is.  i didn't recognize it at all. 

This time there were many people around and no one else seems to notice the rats.  Only i seem to know that they were there.  Only i seemed to be able to capture them.  Once word got around, people were asking me for rats.  i couldn't keep up with the demand.  Then i saw what they were doing to the rats and i wouldn't give them away anymore.  They were flinging the rats around in those cloth gift bags i would put them into.  They would throw the rats at the wall.  One person (i don't know if it was male or female) stuck the bag to a target and was throwing stuff at it.  People were even stepping on the rats. 

i hate rats.  i hate mice.  Tame ones, in a cage, i can handle.  Wild ones, skittering around, making noise with their claws, making those weird squeeking noises just grosses me out.  When there has been a mouse in my house, i usually leave until it is dead.  These dreams, with the wild, creepy, ugly giant rats, are really starting to get to me.  i wish i knew what they were trying to tell me.  i wish i could make them stop

In other news.  Today is my second day of class.  i have finished all my homework.  i have all my supplies.  Now all i have to do is get these rats out of my brain, get the MIT to school, and shower, dress and get to class. 

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This and That

i started crying yesterday.  There was no reason.  No thought, just tears.  Uncontrollable, vomit inducing, stomach wrenching tears.  i couldn't figure it out.  Why would it have started?  It had been a good day.  i had gotten stuff done that i needed to get done.  i had talked with friends.  i had been laughing and everything had been good.  So why the tears?

It was then my Mom called.  Seems yesterday was Wednesday.  i have been good for Wednesdays for a little while.  So what if it was Wednesday?  Wednesdays hadn't been bad for a while, so why now?  Why yesterday?  It wasn't like i was thinking about Him.  It wasn't like i was going over how much i was missing Him.  Thoughts of Him didn't even cross my mind as i cried and vomitted.  Mom says i did too much.  It didn't feel that way.  It really didn't.  i still don't understand.

Tomorrow i start school.  After class, i go to Pam's to be with her and Ethan.  There is talk about lunch.  i don't know if we are going out or if Ethan is cooking.  They are busy as it is.  They are heading for vacation Saturday.  Saturday i am going to the Pagan Pride day here.  Danielle is coming with me.  i am not sure what is going to be happening Saturday night, but it is all good. 

i am so tired.  Just so tired all the time.  Tired right now even.  MIT will be home soon.  Then i get to make dinner and get the MIT ready for karate.  Actually, i am starting dinner now.  It will take a hour or so for dinner to cook.  After that, i will let it sit and wait for a while.  Maybe the MIT will eat some.  Then again, He might now.  He can be fickle.  Anyways, off to the mundane life i seem to be living. 

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Ups and downs

So i did it.  i registered for the reflexology course.  i start on Friday.  i have already read over the first 3 chapters, and plan on reading more.  It is a dry read, but i am so excited about taking it, and eventually using the skills i learn, that i am breezing right through it.  i even had a pedicure today and am getting a manicure tomorrow to celebrate.  Hellen said, on Saturday, that Mike would be proud.  That He is looking down on me and smiling.  i hope so.  i hope He is proud. 

i actually removed His spot on the bed.  His pillows had been where they have been for almost 7 years.  It was hard, admitting that He won't ever be sleeping here again.  i still wait for Him to come online and chat while He is at work.  i still wait for Him to walk in the door on Tuesdays to go bowling.  Moving the pillows was difficult, but i lived. 

i do keep asking myself if i am grieving too much.  i mean we had been going through some bad times before things began to "work" again.  i wasn't that thrilled with Him for quite a while.  We had our problems.  Maybe i should be over this feeling of dread and guilt and sadness. 

i talked to Pam today about the cravings.  The desire to have that dynamic and the pain back in my life.  How i wonder if He would be mad or disappointed in the fact that i want to give that part of me over to anyone else.  She had me play the "what would you say if i was you, and you were Ethan?" game.  i do know what Mike would say.  He would say that being a submissive is who i am, and to keep that locked up would mean i was not being true to myself.  He would tell me to not feel guilty.  He would tell me to be who i am.  So why is even the idea of letting it be someone else's voice so scary for me? 

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How long should i wait?

How long is it appropriate for one to wait after the loss of their partner to start craving again?  Is almost 4 months enough time?  Am i being disloyal to Mike and His memory for wanting and craving?

i am home alone tonight, and all my thoughts are geared to wanting and needing.  i want to feel pain.  i want to be able to serve someone.  i want to be able to follow orders.  i want to be able to please someone even if i don't get anything out of it, because seeing that someone is pleased, does give me pleasure.   i want to hear someone's voice in my ear to say i can come.  i haven't been able to do that to myself since His death.  His voice hasn't been there.  i wasn't allowed without His permission if i was doing it myself.  i can't seem to get there and give myself that permission.  i still ask, either out loud or in my head and wait for His answer.  It never comes.  So neither do i.

i am not saying i haven't played since His death.  i did, and it went ok.  i got to orgasm.  i got to feel pain.  There was also a voice there, one that He seemed to have left for me to be with, able to give me permission.  i have pulled away from that person, that voice.  She was what i needed at the time.  She was like a connection to Him.  i don't feel that way about Her anymore.  i don't even like the idea of it being Her voice anymore.  She was ok for me when i needed that "connection" to Him, but that was all She was.  Just a connection.  i guess i used Her for that.

Tonight i keep thinking that i am being disloyal, being selfish, being cold for wanting and needing even an orgasm.  The idea of someone inflicting pain on me feels like a desire to escape.  But it is still there.  i just don't want it to be because i am trying to escape or trying to forget Him. 

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i don't really have a title this time

Well, i don't qualify for funding to take the reflexology course.  So now i get to ask my Mom for the money.  This aught to be fun.  NOT!  i am not looking forward to telling her.  i am not looking forward to hearing what she has to say, or her conditions, or anything from her.  i know that what comes out of her mouth isn't meant to hurt me, but it does.  i know i should be thankful that i can even ask her.  i know i should be thankful for all the help she gives me.  It is just that it feels like it costs too much. (Update : Mom called and said she will write out the cheque to the school and i can start on Friday!  Thanks Mom!!!)

In other news, i have been referred to a psychiatrist and will be having an appointment of assessment soon.  About time for that.  The depression isn't going away.  It isn't even really getting better.  i am just much better at timing my breakdowns.  The smallest thing (hearing i don't qualify) sets me into a panic.  Having to many happy thoughts even sets me into a downward spiral.  Having someone to talk to, about all the changes, about all the loss, even talking about how it feels to have the MIT, will be nice. 

Maybe this weekend will be good.

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Jump and Fall

So i went for the assessment.  The place should be called "useless appointment before going back to where you started".  Not only is it not their job to help with financial aide, but i had to go back to my OW worker to get the forms that are to go to the people that make the decision.  Plus, i must have the forms done, and make an appointment with my worker to hand them in.  The forms must be completed in 2 weeks.  The soonest my worker can see me is October.  October is longer than 2 weeks.  If the papers are not turned over to her in person by the 21st, nothing can be done, and i would have to start the process all over again.

So i thought i had a backup plan.  my Mom said i could use the money from my Nana to take the course, plus she would cover the difference.  Today she said that if there was a chance to get the funding to start the course in January, than i would just have to wait for January.  Oh, and i could take a night school course in cooking or crafts if i wanted in the mean time.

So i took the leap, and fell flat on my face.  Well, not completely.  i have a call into the college to see if they will take $500 and allow me to take the course until funding is provided.  If the college says yes, i will go to my Nana only.  But even before i can do that, i have to make sure it won't affect my ability to get the funding.  That would blow. 

So, lets see, what else blows.  i couldn't get babysitting for even my doctor's appointment, never mind the munch that was tonight.  The doctor did call when after i cancelled.  That was nice of her.  She even said that if i need a doctor's note to say i can take the course, or as a reference, she would be happy to provide it.  my Mom said it was stupid of me to book the appointment for the time it was supposed to be.  She still doesn't understand why that might make me feel like she called me stupid.  When i told her about the hoops i had to jump threw, and she actually said "I didn't think you would get the funding".

Anyways, i feel like crap.  i am not done yet.  i am jumping threw those hoops.  Tomorrow i go to the teacher of the course to fill in the one page of the package that has to be handed to my worker in the next 2 weeks.  i will make this happen, and i will get into the course on the day i want to start.

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A change for the better??

Tomorrow i go for an assessment on if i am eligible for financial help to take the reflexology course i am really wanting to take.  i have everything i need, i think.  i printed of a lot of information from the internet, i spoke with the person teaching the course and have that information, and i called the OCR for even more information.  i have it all gathered in my file thingy, ready to go.  i am just so nervous.

This is the first "jump" i have made since Mike died.  It feels like i huge jump.  Almost a leap of faith.  i am scared they will say yes to the financial aid.  i am scared they will say no.  i do have a backup plan if they say no.  my Mom will be giving me the money to take the course.  i just don't want to be that much more indebted to her.  Plus she will feel it gives her license to make sure i go. 

i am a little nervous about keeping myself motivated, but i know i really want this. Not only do i want the basic foot reflexology course, but i will also want to take the hand reflexology, and then my masters, so i can teach it. i just have to make sure to push myself, just like i have been doing with taking my meds, and trying to eat properly.  i haven't been perfect at it, but i have been doing it.

i want to do this.  i really want to do this.  So, no matter what, i will do this.

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The first time

i used to journal other places. i can't use those anymore. They aren't safe from eyes i don't want to see. So, i have decided to start this place. i am hoping it is a place where i can talk to myself about stuff, bounce around ideas, post my views on things, and basically just put myself out there so certain people don't worry anymore.

i may "pull over" certain posts that i have recently made from the hidden journal, but i am not yet sure. It may happen, it may not. We will just see.

Until then, this is my first post.

The first day of school

So the MIT went to school this morning. It is His first day of high school. He was so excited, so eager to go. It was nice not having to fight Him about getting dressed. It was beyond pleasant to not argue about what He would be wearing. Uniforms rock. It was a good, yet early, morning. It was nice.

But now i sit here, trying to figure out what to do. No one online to talk to. No one here to spend time with. Nothing to fill my days. i am a very boring person. Yes, i could clean the house. Yes i could do the dishes. Neither of those things make me an interesting person. They are just chores to take up my time. i want something to do. i want to be someone other than the MIT's mom. That is one reason i want so bad to take the reflexology course. i want something outside of myself to do. i want to be able to offer services while the MIT is at school. i want something to do while the MIT is not here.

So, until then, i think of what i am passionate about. i try to find something to do that costs nothing. i try to fill this time with something other than napping and eating and cleaning stuff that doesn't need more cleaning and playing online games. The first day of being alone, and i am already bored.