Today i get to go and to the St. Joe's phsyciatry department for an assessment. i don't wanna go. i want to stay home and curl up in bed and hide. i want to keep doing what i have been doing. i want to only let out how i feel on my terms, and not someone else's. i don't want to open up for a perscribed amount of time. i don't want to let the piled-up emotions to come flooding out and feel broken again. i feel like i have rebuilt myself back up. i have put many of the pieces back into place and i am surviving. i know i am not all fixed. i know there is alot more for me to put back into place.
Yes i still think of hurting myself. i still have plans in place of when, and how. i still want and even feel like i need to do it. The only thing keeping me here is MIT. i can't figure out how to do it without it hurting Him emotionally or even physically. And i hate it. i hate that the MIT has that much control over my life. i hate that my whole world revolves around this person that depends on me so much. i just hate and resent Him alot right now. i hate that the one thing i resent the most is the only thing keeping me from following threw.
Yes, i know. i do this with every new experience. i know i tend to get all nervous before hand and then go through with it, and it is never as bad as i thought it would be. i am just really worried about how i will be tonight, after the appointment. i am worried i can't bury what ever comes out while there. i am worried that i will implode from all the "storing" i have been doing. i am worried they will want me in the hospital.
i know i still have more fixing to do, that all the pieces are not back in place. i know i have been battling this depression for over 10 years without seeing someone "professionally" (other than my family doctor). i am still here. Like i told the lady on the phone, i can't be anything but here.
Venting isn't working this morning
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