Away and hiding (medically hiding)

So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.

First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"

Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.

i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.

i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.

So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.

While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.

my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.

i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.

Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.

Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).

Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.

And again

i am so relaxed and rejuvenated. i am at peace. i am enjoying the quiet and the dark, in my own home.

Yes, again i took myself camping. i was there for two nights this time. Godds it was great. Birds fluttering over birdseed. Squirrels chasing each other over nuggets of biscuits. Even raccoons coming right up to me at 8pm, not scared of me at all (i was scared of those spooky guys though). Again, i did nothing. No reading. No colouring. No going for long walks. i did go for a short walk and collected pine cones, but that was it.

i talked to the animals. i talked to My Baby Bear. Most of all, i sat, listened, and enjoyed the fire and being alone.

i have found the thing to do when the MIT is at Rygiel and i have no other plans.

i have also figured out what i am getting everyone on my gift list this year. i haven't gone out and gotten any of the stuff, but at least i know what it is i am getting and what it will cost me. That is a big worry out of my life. Holidays can be so stressful. i also know my schedule (most of it) for December. i know when Tree Day, Trifle day, Yule, Christmas, Last Day of School, and appointments are. i also know when some birthdays are and have figured out what those people get. i even know when i might be going camping again.

Shopping will be a breeze this year. Knowing when and how i am going to relax is calming.

i am actually excited this year.

Camping photos:

Something for ME

i took myself camping this past Saturday. It was for one night, and i want to do it again. No MIT. No Dad. Just me. And, i want to do it for more than one night. i so want to do it this coming weekend.

i struggled a lot on Friday. i had wanted to go. i kept telling myself how easy it would be, and that yes it was time to go. i just couldn't muster up the desire enough to get myself moving. Saturday i still struggled. Yes i wanted to go, but i didn't want to move from the house. i didn't have the drive to go. With my Sis's help, i got moving, but even then, it wasn't like i had the gumption to actually leave and do it. It wasn't until i was actually driving there (well, even then i had second thoughts) that i got comfortable with the idea of leaving my house to do it.

i really am glad i went. i slept in the van. i had the propane stove for tea. i brought easy food (lunch meats and buns) so i didn't have a lot of dishes. i took wood (always take more than you think you will need, because you will always need more). i was all set. i didn't even read. i just sat in my chair, and stared at the fire. Oh, and i talked to my Baby Bear, so people stayed clear of me. LOL.

Sure there are things i forgot. There are even things i have thought of taking for next time. With camping there is always evolving. By changing the trip from one night to two, food concessions will have to be made. Maybe a better book to read, and some colouring supplies to be brought. Other than that, i think i have it pretty well planned out. i could even decide what a person is getting for Yule, and start working on it (knitting, crafty, whatever).

i want to do it this weekend. Yes it will be colder, but i have solutions to that. Burning a tea light inside the van to warm it up works great. Staying 2 nights would be my dream. A friend even gave me an idea about a tarp over the van and out and across as a "shelter" to stay out of any rain or such. The MIT is gone this weekend, so yeah, i want to do it this weekend. But...

i have a million responsibilities. Going to the movies with E. Getting the MIT ready and dropped off at Rygiel. L wants me and E to go walking downtown TO. i have a doctor's appointment this week, a therapy appointment this week, and the van gets an oil change this week. All on different days. All needing my time.

i am going to fit in as much as i can, but i am going to go camping this weekend. Rain or no rain. i need this type of me time. (then again a fire pit for my backyard would be cheaper in the long run)

Summer is almost finished. Plus some introspection.

With summer vacation coming to an end, i have to say that i finally got the MIT and Dad camping. Finally. We went from the 6-8 and had a great, quiet time. Well other than the Raccoons hunting and gathering from our site. LOL. i have already booked our weekend in September. It did help throw in my face how much the MIT has lost in a year. He couldn't get up to go to the "pee tree" by Himself. One of us had to have at least 2 hands on Him at all times, and that was with Him having both sides working. He nearly fell into the fire 6 times.

i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.

So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.

On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.

i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.

i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.

Home from Camp (day 63 of summer vacation)

Camp was different, and kind of weird this year. It was fun. It was interesting. i totally enjoyed myself.

Arriving first on Thursday, the only one there from my group was cool. i got to unpack my stuff, set up my cabin, and just sit back and relax. i did have moments when i thought i had to do stuff (like in the past) and had to keep telling myself i wasn't working this year. i started my fire. i sat out in the fresh air. i read my book. i listened to the quiet. It was great. Slowly more from my group showed up. L&D were first. Next came H&D. Then there was rain. i was able to keep my fire going during the entire storm. Now that felt cool.

i had made plans with J about meeting up with him at his cabin, with dinner and blankets and stuff in hand. Of course, i didn't know when he would be arriving, or what cabin he would be in. While it was raining, i saw this big guy wandering past my cabin. i called out "Jared?" and he came right over. i stood up, and His approach just bowled me over. i so dropped at that point. He grabbed my hair, kissed me, and asked me where i was. i know i was nervous. i was in "kiddy" mode. i told Him about the frog i found. It was nervous energy.

He told me that he expected me at His cabin, with food and His bed made. God i was so "there". i was in that moment. i was at peace and comfortable. i did what i was told. i packed dinner into the van, and i headed over to His cabin. i made the bed, and set out a plate of dinner and a can of cold pop for Him. And i waited. (He was helping A with her floating tent) When we were able to get a moment together (A and M were going to be staying with Him that night, because of the rain) we were right back to that space where i was on my knees, and getting my hair pulled and feeling like i belonged there. God that felt good. Eventually i left, as they were going to settle for the night. i went back to my cabin and relaxed and enjoyed the rain, and the fire, and headed off to bed.

Friday started ok. i started my fire again. i made breakfast while L&D&H set up the cooking tent and H's selling tent. i actually cooked over an open fire. i cooked eggs, bacon, pemeal bacon, and sausages. i did them in steps so that people were able to eat while they worked. J came over and asked me how long i would be. i said i would be about 1/2 hour. He said to go to A's site in one hour. i agreed (ooooops). 1 1/2 hours later, i finally left my site, took J breakfast, and waited for Him at His cabin. This was not a good start. He ended up going over to my cabin looking for me, had a bit of a confrontation with H&L and then came to find me. J and i had to talk. i was reminded that He knew my priority was the group, and needed me to communicate better, when i was available to be with Him, and do what He and i needed to do. Unfortunately, this set up a bit of a "road block" as far as H (especially) and L were concerned. (H never did get over it)

Friday was a bad day for me. i kept saying i would do things, and didn't. i felt caught in the middle as far as the "responsibilities of the group" and what everyone else wanted to do. i felt loopy. i was lost and needed centering. i never really got there. i had told J i would be right back, and didn't return, but laid down instead (that was when S&J arrived). i irritated J. i felt totally out of sorts. Things could have gone much better, but i really think i hit that cycle i sometimes do. The one where if i screw up, i continue, because i don't know how to ask for a way out, or help in getting out. (i really need to work on that). Eventually Friday night came together. J and i laid on His bed and worked on the demos. He told me what He expected of me. He and i wrote His handouts for the breath play demo. He used my back as His desk, while dictating to me. We played with the breath play so i knew what to expect. We talked about the blood letting demo, and what i was to expect. It was a nice centering, and "homey" place for me. J joined us all for dinner. P&E eventually showed up. There was laughter and i had my orders for the next day of demos.

Saturday i was up and ready to go by 6:00 am. i showered and dressed. i packed what i needed to keep at the demo sites. i was at J's cabin when i was supposed to be. i radioed L when she had wanted me to. i was great. i felt great. i was excited and anxious about the entire day. J was concentrating on what He needed to do. i was concentrating on what i needed to do. It was wonderful. L helped with the fear play. E did my after care for that while J still talked. Once He was done, He did my after care. We moved on to the breath play. (none of my group came to that) That was fun. i love breath play. He demonstrated different techniques on me. He had me floating. He made sure i was good after the demo. He made sure i got a kiss after my needing to walk away. He let me stay close when i needed, and He let me go away when i needed to, but always kept an eye on me. After the breath play, we had a bit of a break. i took a walk back to my cabin, and sat for a bit, and headed back up to the demo that i was most excited about.

Blood letting. i have never done that before. i had wanted to do it. i needed to do it. i wanted that sensation and pain. No one from the group showed again. That was ok. J was great. Sure He was concentrating on the actual demo. We didn't really connect during it. Well, at one point we really did. During the cut down was the best. It was still really great. It felt really wonderful. i have a beautiful set of stitches on my right arm. i have no bruising. i was floaty and totally on a high. We ended back at His cabin and laid down and relaxed and talked and talked. It was great after care. It was what we both needed. Eventually i left Him and headed back to my cabin to come down even more.

i am not ready to talk about after that. Things got really weird, and off center, and not great. Not with J, but with others. Maybe i will eventually be able to talk about it, but not likely here. Not yet anyways.

But, i am home. The MIT is with me. i have stitches in my arm, and love how they feel. i have a bruise on my right shoulder. i am still a little floaty. i had a good weekend.

Day 22 of October "vacation"

6 more sleeps. 6 more sleeps until the MIT comes home. 6 more sleeps until my baby is here, under my roof. 6 more sleeps until my Mom and Dad are back, and i don't have all the responsibilities. 6 more sleeps and life is sort of back to normal. That is all that is left, and i want it to be shorter. i want them all home. i have wanted them all home since last week. i have been missing them to bits. i have walked into the MIT's room and laid in His bed, and wished He was here. Yes, it is official. i am missing Him to bits, and it feels really good.

Last week was rough. i couldn't leave the house. i would have a shower. i would get dressed. i would have a list of things to get done. Then i would start to hyperventilate. my chest would get tight. i would start to shake. i just couldn't leave the house. i was feeling so much. Missing the MIT, my Mom and my Dad. Missing Mike, and talking to Him. Feeling sad, and hurt, and missing, and crying. i just couldn't leave.

It got all better, when i was able to IM with my Dad. Finally i had actual contact with them. They had been traveling across Australia. They had been staying in hotels. They didn't leave me which hotels they were in, or even which town they were in. That was the worst. Finally on Saturday, they were back in Sydney. They weren't out and about. They were back at Kay's. Everything was better then. i could call them if there was a problem. i knew where they were. They weren't in some hotel room, with no way for me to call and check on them. Everything was better then.

So, i am better now, and waiting for them all to return home to me. i can't wait to hug them, to cuddle with my MIT, to actually touch them.

Day 11 of October "vacation"

So, i haven't written in a few days. OK, almost a week. Not much to really tell.

My Sis has been doing better. What i mean is i haven't caught her in any lies since the last set. She has also agreed to come to therapy with me tomorrow. That is a good sign. Right?

What have i been doing? Not much. i haven't travelled anywhere. i haven't gone on any adventures. i have walked in two different woods, looking for acorns and willows. i found a cool stick, and may make something out of it. i did finish another ceramic project just for Halloween. i like it. It is my "Spooky bowl". Pictures will be at the end of this entry. i got a post card from the MIT. It tells me that He isn't missing me. i love Him, but sometimes it would be nice to just hear (or read) that He misses me a little.

Today i had a massage (1/2 hour). my reflexology teacher is a massage therapist. She worked on the area of my back that seems to be spasming. It hurt while she was working on it, but i regained some of my range of motion. Yesterday, when i did 2 reflexology session, i had to take a muscle relaxant so i could do the procedures. She also gave me some stretches to do, to help keep and expand my range of motion.

The other exciting thing that happened today, is that my dryer broke. Stopped dead. Won't run at all. It is 10 years old. i emailed Mom and Dad, and i am going with my Nana to get a new one. We are doing that tomorrow morning.

This coming week, i have stuff i want to do. i want to go to St. Jacob's village and wander around. i need it to be good weather, and not rain. i also want to go for a walk on the beach. That would be something nice to do. Tonight, i am just going to watch my favourite shows and then head off to bed early.

Spooky Bowl

Day 5 of October "vacation"

So, it is Friday and i have therapy today. i have so much to talk about. Way too much to talk about. There has been drama with my Sis again. There is also my adventures for the last few weeks.

my Sis. Well, she was given an ultimatum by my parents. One more secret, one more lie, and she would no longer be living in their house. She was supposed to be keeping a detailed account of what she spent and where it went. Well, guess what. There was one more, and i had to find it. She actually thought she could "fix" things while my parents were away. She has been driving without insurance since the 15th of Sept. This ultimatum was given at the end of Sept. It should have come out back then. She kept it secret. She was sure she could "fix it before they got back". She also got a "pay as you go" credit card from Much. Another secret. Another one of those "it would be gone before they got back" situations. So i found out. The i searched her room. She gave me reason. She told another lie. She deserved no privacy. Good thing i did it. Turns out, she had a roach in her room. In my parent's house. Plus i found one of her journals. Yes, i read it. She lied to ME. To MY face. She had continued to carry and sell stuff after she promised me she would stop. The promise she made back in June. The stuff she was doing was in July.

i confronted her first. She came out with the same old stuff. i wanted her out of the house right then. i wanted her to figure out she was fucked. i called my parents. i didn't know what else to do. They are letting her stay in the house until they get home. Then she is out of the house. my punishment is different. i am done. i am finished with her. i can't trust her for anything anymore. i no longer trust her with the MIT. She no longer gets to see the MIT. That is the end of that. No more looking after Him. No more talking to Him. No more anything to do with Him. my contact with her is now limited to me going to the house and checking the mail. No more talking to her. No more after that. i am done.

As for my adventures, well, i went to St. Catherine's to get the selenite candle holder i had put on one side at Pagan Pride. i then decided to take the back roads home. i got lost a bit, but found i recognized stuff in the area, and made it home ok. i also went to ceramics class, and finished 2 projects. One is here. He is Green Man. i painted Him all by myself. i did it differently than anyone thought i should, and He turned out great. i am proud of Him. He is now hanging in my living room, where the picture of the MIT and Mike Myers was hanging. He looks good where He is. i'll hang the picture in a different place.

Speaking of the MIT, my Dad sent me a few pictures from Australia. They look like they are having a lot of fun. They walked through a shark tank in a glass tunnel with the fish swimming right around them at the Aquarium. At Wildlife World, they saw Koalas and the MIT touched a lizard.

This weekend, i am going to do something. i am not sure what yet. Sis wants us to have dinner together. i am not sure. Yes it was my idea first, but now i am so mad at her. i just don't know if i can have dinner with her, and not get emotionally hurt again. i will have to think about that. i may go to St. Jacob's village. i may go to the Cambridge outlet mall. i may just stay home and watch movies, and make myself food, just for me. i am not sure yet. i am still moseying.

Here are the pictures from Australia

Day 2 of October "vacation"

So they called last night. They had made it. They were at Kay's place, and had settled in a little bit. i had expected them to call around 8:00pm, but they didn't call for an hour. Mom let me know that the MIT had a rough go of it on the first flight. He had gone full blown and had seized a number of times. i hated hearing that. i didn't need to know that. i wish i was there to make Him feel better. i wish i was there to hold Him and do "magic". Hell, i just wish i was there to snuggle with Him and make sure He really is ok. At least they made it ok. At least they are there and get to have fun now. i just wish she had let me hear His voice. Oh well.

Yesterday i did exactly what i said i would. i read all day. i relaxed in the house and outside, wearing my sarong. i only answered the phone if it was long distance or family. i ended up reading the entire Deathly Hallows book. It was really good. i cried at spots where Harry reminded me of me. Pushing away his grief to do what he had to do. i cried at Hagrid's reaction to carrying Harry to the school. It was a great book. i am sad it is the last of the series.

Today is an easy day. i am going to go with the whole moseying idea from camp. Today is a visit to the doctor's. Today is going to Chapters and Michaels and other places to just wander. Today is getting groceries finally. Today i also have a reflexology session lined up. Someone new, and here at my place. i have decided to move where i do the sessions, since the wheelchair is away in the MIT's room.

Well, that is that. i don't know if i will be posting every day or not. i'm just going to go with the flow of things. Until next time.....

Update : well, my client for tonight cancelled. i didn't go get groceries. i did get 4 new books. i think that is what i am going to do tonight. Read and relax, and go to bed early and sleep in late tomorrow. i wish it was sunny out.

First day off

The MIT, my Mom and my Dad left yesterday. Right now they are flying over the ocean. They have passed Hawaii.

Today i plan on doing nothing. No driving. No cooking. No cleaning. No talking on the phone. All i am going to do is read, sit on my back patio, listen to music, maybe watch some TV. Other than that, nothing. Even computer stuff is being put on hold (once i am done posting). i have the last Harry Potter book to read. i have stayed away from spoilers as much as possible. i am going to enjoy reading it. i am not even planning on getting that dressed. i have a sarong on. i am loving it. Oh, and it fits better than when it was bought for me last year.

Tomorrow will be other stuff. Going to the doctor's. Going to Chapters. Going to Michael's. Getting groceries. Basically running around. Wednesday will be getting back to doing my ceramics class. i have 3 projects on the go, and one to start. Thursday may be chili cooking day. That or stew day. i haven't decided yet. i will decide tomorrow when i am getting groceries for the week.

Other stuff i am going to be doing differently this month is walking more, taking the bus more, eating healthier, sleeping in, taking drives to enjoy the outside. Stuff like that. Stuff where i don't have to worry about what time i get home, or if i am on call for the MIT.

Well, time to go and read and relax.